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Thread: Episode 1 (3/28): All the Hos Down in Hoville

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    Episode 1 (3/28): All the Hos Down in Hoville

    Episode 1 (3/28): All the Hos Down in Hoville

    Welcome to the latest and perhaps last version of The Bachelor, the show with an abysmal record of mostly creating matches that last no longer than your average sixth grade romance. Before we get on with this highly entertaining farce, I would like to say thank you and acknowledge eny and sher for consistently writing great recaps of the various versions of The Bachelor/Bachelorette no matter how bad the material they were given to work with. The two of them have decided to retire from the show while on the top of their games although there are rumors of a guest appearance. The recaps (or at least mine) will be the poorer for their absence. This season will be covered by a pool of writers of which I am but the first.

    This season’s bachelor is none other than twenty-nine year old Charlie O’Connell, younger brother of actor Jerry O’Connell. Let’s just say that he’s no bass fisherman. Charlie says all the right things about being ready to settle down if he finds love. The fact that he has a stalled acting career and seems to be the definition of a Good Time Charlie makes me more than a wee bit skeptical about his motives however.

    Let’s Get This Ho Started

    Charlie didn’t want any gowns, limos, or rules and apparently the producers have decided to indulge him. A woman can receive a rose at just about any time or be sent home at any time. If a woman doesn’t get a rose on a one on one date, she is gone immediately (I guess there are a few rules). Chris Harrison promises us that this season set in Lower Manhattan will be the most surprising yet. About the only thing that would make it truly surprising would be if Charlie falls head over heels in love.

    The 25 women competing for Charlie’s affections attention are:

    Anitra, 29, make up artist from Manhattan Beach, CA
    Brenda, 26, sales coordinator from New York, NY
    Carrie, 27, computer specialist from Minneapolis, MN
    Danushka, 30, bitch fashion model from Los Angeles, CA
    Debby, 25, flight attendant from Thornhill, Ontario, Canada
    Emilie, 27, technology sales from Chicago, IL
    Geitan, 30, realtor from Newport Beach, CA
    Gina Marie, 28, bartender from Fort Lauderdale, FL
    Heather, 24, contractor from Orlando, FL
    Jenny, 23, marketing coordinator from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
    Kara, 26, nanny from Woodland Hills, CA
    Katie, 25, resort accountant from Tempe, AZ
    Kerry, 32, director of mergers and acquisitions from Chicago, IL
    Kimberly, 25, swimsuit model from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
    Kindle, 23, professional basketball cheerleader from Rockwall, TX
    Krisily, 25, salon coordinator from Warwick, RI
    Kristen, 30, teacher from Boston, MA
    Kristina, 27, writer from Brooklyn, NY
    Kristine, 23, bikini model from Fairfax Station, VA
    Kyshawn, 30, bartender from Nashville, TN
    Megan, 23, retail marketing from Tallahassee, FL
    Sarah B., 24, labor and delivery nurse from McKinney, TX
    Sarah W., 24, fashion design from Los Angeles, CA
    Siomara, 25, loan officer from Chicago, IL
    Valerie, 28, executive assistant from Wayne, NJ

    Charlie said he wanted a lot more reality so the powers that be have decided to surprise the girls at 8:30 in the morning, wake them up, and give each five minutes to get ready and get to the ballroom at the Roosevelt Hotel where they are staying. The ballroom doors will lock if they don’t get there in time. If they really wanted to surprise them they should have woken them up at six a.m. The girls react with the expected panic. Anitra squeals that there is no way she can get ready in five minutes. Someone else decides to over share and tells us that she didn’t shower the day before as she apparently rushes to take a spit bath. The drama level is already high.

    We segue to Chris who tells us that Charlie grew up playing on the streets of New York, went to school in New York, and that he lives part time in the loft that Chris is approaching. Charlie, whose voice perpetually sounds like he drank too much the night before or ate a pack of cigarettes, grabs Chris by the shoulders and says he’s excited as they head to the hotel.

    Meanwhile, the girls continue to rush to get ready. We learn such important details as that one decided she didn’t have time to put on underwear. Kerry seems the most relaxed about the whole thing. She says that this is the natural her. If the bachelor doesn’t like her so be it. One girl gets into the elevator without shoes while Megan decides to run down nine flights of stairs with one other woman. Kristine emerges in the hallway wearing a pink bikini and carrying a black strappy dress. She puts the dress on over the bikini in the hallway. Danushka wins the early high maintenance award by announcing that she doesn’t run for men. She may not run, but Charlie will if he has even half a brain.

    Holy First Impression Batman

    Charlie says he’s a real guy looking for a real girl. Girls are much better without makeup and ready to go with jeans and a t-shirt. I think Charlie truly believes he thinks this. His actions say otherwise. Danushka appears annoyed and says this better be worth it as she squeezes her pencil thin self through the ballroom doors right before they close.

    Jenny tells us that she was kind of annoyed because some of the girls looked like they had an hour to get ready, and she felt like an underdog once they reached the ballroom. Chris tells Charlie not to throw up as he leaves Charlie outside the ballroom and goes in to greet the women. The women appear to already be drinking champagne and other assorted beverages. Chris says that they all look great. Chris then lectures the women to expect the unexpected this time. He decides it is time to let the women know who the bachelor is.

    He shows them a video of Charlie. Charlie announces that he is honest, nice, and likes to laugh and is looking to fall in love. Notice he doesn’t mention that he’s intelligent. Charlie says that he thinks he is a good catch and then gives a vacant laugh. We get to see him hanging out with his more famous brother in the Hollywood Hills. Jerry says that he thinks Charlie has a lot to give and that it is time to cut the cord. Charlie is portrayed as a real estate investor and champion fencer who also acts. In the summer, he likes to hang out at some property he owns in Montauk, Long Island.

    We also see Charlie with his mother and father. His dad announces that his mother doesn’t like “those floozies.” I’m not sure if he’s talking about Charlie’s usual taste in women, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Mom asks if he’s going to have to make out with the floozies. Charlie admits that he’s dated a lot of girls and thinks it’s time to settle down.

    Once Charlie enters the room, the women immediately start to swoon over him. Sarah B. says that he owned the room and I was weak in the knees. Gina Marie is immediately taken by him.

    Chris announces that this time first impressions are going to be important. There is going to be a round of rapid dating. Charlie comforts the stunned women by saying he’s never done it before either. Charlie will have two roses to hand out during his sessions with the women. They’ll each have two minutes to spend with him.

    Valerie lets us know that she is not happy about this new development. Carrie says that she went into panic mode and tried to brainstorm an approach.

    Hornamental Enhancements

    As the speed dating begins, it is raining outside. Charlie is given a clock to time each two minute date. He seems to be inordinately proud of the fact that he figures out how to work the clock. Before the women start sprinting through the room where Charlie is waiting, he asks Chris to wish him, them, us luck. Charlie thinks this will be a great way to meet the women and see who has charisma.

    The first to sit down with Charlie is Anitra who looks like she’s wearing a white wash cloth with straps. She says that she’d give him a hug but she hasn’t taken a shower. Charlie tries to comfort her by saying that’s okay; he didn’t take one yesterday and giving her a hug. He asks her if she has any tattoos. She says yes. She’d show him but she’d have to hike her dress all the way up. As she leaves, Charlie makes sure to check out her butt.

    Carrie and Charlie also hug after she announces that friends don’t shake hands, friends hug. Carrie’s brainstorming has led her to bring him a flower. Jenny has decided to bring two glasses of champagne with her. She gives a toast to new friends and new adventures following which they both chug the champagne. Again, they talk about the lack of a shower. After she leaves, Charlie says that he likes Jenny but doesn’t see how he could possibly give out a rose this early.

    Kristen the first grade teacher connects with Charlie because his mother was also a teacher. Brenda and Charlie discuss motorcycles. Brenda rides a Yamaha and Charlie appears impressed. When Kristina’s time is done, she says that she walked away thinking she was probably not unforgettable. Kimberly makes quite the first impression choosing to sit on Charlie’s lap while wearing a bikini top under an open shirt. I expected him to start stuffing dollar bills into the waist band of her jeans.

    Krisily tells Charlie that she is a Harley riding bartender/dancer. When he asks her about her bad points, she says she can be a little bitchy. Talk about truth in advertising. As she is leaving, Charlie notices a tattoo at the base of her spine. She calls it her getting away tattoo and Charlie is clearly intrigued. He thinks getting a tattoo is a good sign in a girl because she is willing to make mistakes. Mistakes including dating Charlie?

    Kyshawn arrives wearing her pajama bottoms and slippers. Charlie and Kyshawn play some sort of a game where one of the questions is “snotty nose or bad breath?” Charlie uses the opportunity to lean close and ask her to smell his breath. She gives him a minty fresh thumbs up.

    We don’t learn too much about Siomara except that she is Spanish. We also learn that Charlie speaks bad Spanglish. Charlie and Emilie thumb wrestle. Part way through their battle, Charlie tells Emilie that if she wins, he’ll give her a rose. She loses her concentration and he pins her thumb.

    Debby and Charlie do the samba, or at least he asks her to samba. Unfortunately, we are treated to Charlie shaking his booty. Sarah W. tells Charlie that she is a little nervous. She says that she loves extreme sports and then shows him her rollerblading scar which is conveniently located low on her hip. She also shows off a spider bite below her shoulder. Apparently Charlie likes tough girls, or at least ones who show a lot of skin and look like they cut their bangs with the thirty year old nail scissors my mother still has, because he hands Sarah his first rose. Charlie explains his decision by saying that she was nice and seemed with it. He tells Sarah not to let the other women give her too much grief about getting the first rose.

    When Sarah gets back to the ballroom, all the other women want to know why she got the rose. She gives a little smile, shrugs, and says I showed him my scar. Danushka confirms her role as chief bitch by making snide comments to the camera. She says that there is only one rose left and the ladies will do anything to get it.

    Honing Their Skills

    Charlie then confirms he isn’t the most articulate fellow by telling the camera that the girls want roses, and I’m the rose keeper. More like the ho keeper. I’m not even sure most of them remember this is supposed to be about developing a relationship with him.

    Kristine is the next speed dater. Let’s just say that her approach is a little, well, different. She strips off her black dress to reveal the pink bikini underneath and removes a sheet of paper from her bikini top. Oh joy. She has written a poem to the bachelor whose identity was unknown to her at the time she wrote it. The poem is frankly ‘horrible. Even the sucktastic Survivor poet is a Nobel Laureate in comparison. Charlie confesses that the poem made him uncomfortable, but there was no way he was getting off the couch. As Kristine leaves, Charlie grabs a flower from an arrangement on a table behind the couch and gives it to her to thank her for the poem. In exchange, she gives him her bikini top. I’m not sure what she hopes he’ll do with it. Frankly, I don’t want to know.

    The speed dates keep getting stranger and stranger. In walks Geitan clucking like a chicken. Really. She tells Charlie that she learned how to imitate a chicken on a farm in Northern Alberta. She also decides to sit on his lap. The two of them end up seeing who can do the best monkey impression. Geitan is the clear winner. She may not win Charlie’s heart, but she sure impressed his inner, and not very buried, child.

    Katie asks Charlie if they should just kiss to see if there is any chemistry between them. A highly awkward kiss follows. As Charlie says, he just wasn’t feeling it. Gina Marie shows up and tells Charlie that she’s a retired NFL cheerleader. Charlie challenges her to a kick contest. I must say Charlie can kick his leg higher than the average guy.

    Valerie and Charlie bond over Jersey. She shows off her “downtown” tattoo and a belly button ring as well. Sarah B., the labor and delivery nurse is next. She and Charlie do a little simulated birth coaching which is just plain weird. Charlie really likes Sarah but thought the parting hug she gave him was pretty wimpy so he’s not sure about her.

    Kara, the single mother, tells Charlie she is a “good girl” full of Southern values. However, when asked what the worst thing she’s ever done is, Kara says, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Charlie is clearly intrigued. He jokes to the camera that if they go on an over night date it just might have to be to Vegas.

    Kerry says she’s an adventure girl. She grew up on a farm. The two of them have such an easy rapport that Charlie decides to give her the last rose. As she’s leaving he tells Kerry that hopefully the other girls won’t be too mean to her. Megan is disappointed that he has no more roses to distribute. The two of them discuss their tans. It seems to go relatively well.

    Kindle shares that she is a dancer with the Dallas Mavericks. Charlie wants to know how she feels about older men. She says the experience is fun. The two of them part with a cheer and a kick. Last and certainly least pleasant is Danushka. She decides to tell Charlie that she’s not wearing a bra or underpants. Charlie has fun rooting through the big hand bag she brought with her.

    After the speed dating, Charlie is looking a little dazed and shares that today was extremely weird. Charlie thinks there is a good shot that maybe he will fall in love. Way to be committal Charlie.

    Foreshadowing lets us know that Danushka will be exiting soon by showing her saying that she’ll be getting a rose at the rose ceremony.

    Chris brings Charlie pictures of each of the 25 girls with their names on them. He then tells Charlie that there is one more piece of business for the day. Charlie has to go into the ballroom and immediately eliminate five of the women. Chris leaves Charlie to make his decisions. Charlie pours over the pictures and says this is going to make it real for both him and the women.

    Homeward Bound

    In the ballroom, Chris tells Sarah W. and Kerry that they are safe through the first rose ceremony. He then lets the women in on the surprise elimination. For the first time on the Bachelor, it will be a bad thing to hear your name called. Charlie proves that he may not be the smartest or the most mature guy on the planet, but he is sweet. He repeats that he feels awful about having to do this. It isn’t nice and he’s a nice guy. Chris tells Charlie and the women that Charlie will call out five names. If you hear your name, you have to leave immediately. Charlie steels his courage and eliminates Kristina, Heather, Brenda, Debbie, and Katie. As Brenda observes, Charlie apparently doesn’t like brunettes as all five have dark hair.

    Charlie says that the reality is that feelings are going to get hurt. The remaining ladies will be moving into a New York brownstone. Sarah W. says the early elimination made her realize the contest is on.

    There is no Honor Among Hos

    As the women move into their new home, Carrie says she was blown away and then she saw the bedrooms. Each bedroom looks like a camp cabin full of bunk beds. Geitan offers that she doesn’t know how they are going to survive in the cramped quarters having to share bathrooms. Anitra thinks the living arrangements are a recipe for disaster. You’d think they had just been dropped on a beach with no fire or water. Wait, that’s another show.

    The next morning Chris arrives at the brownstone to tell the women that there will be three group dates before the first rose ceremony. It’s up to the ladies to decide who goes on each date. There are no rules. Charlie will call to invite them. Charlie will have two roses to hand out on each date. Let the skanky ho games begin.

    Gina Marie is determined to get on a date. Carrie who appears to be one of the only sane ones, describes the girls as vultures waiting by the phone for Charlie to call. The vultures’ vigilance is finally rewarded when the phone rings. The first date is a trip to a local pub to play pool. Charlie wants to see which girls can have a laugh kicking it and drinking a beer. Five women are to join him on the date. Geitan helps designate five women right away. Kindle isn’t going to be left home though. She gets ready and sneaks down by the front door. As soon as Charlie arrives, she goes outside and greets him. By the time the five who thought they were going get downstairs, Kindle is already seated in the van. Carrie ends up getting left behind. She is clearly pissed and confesses that if Kindle comes back with a rose, she’ll feel like Kindle will have taken it from her. Kindle, Megan, Kristen, Anitra, and Emilie end up going on the first group date.

    Hope Floats

    When Carrie goes back upstairs, the others are shocked after she explains Kindle’s sneaky tactics. The remaining women realize they are going to have to step it up a notch or get left behind.

    The pub is better described by Charlie as a dive bar. He explains that he routinely hangs out at dives and he wants to know which of the women would be comfortable there. I’m thinking most of them. I would have paid money to see Danushka on this date though.

    Most of the women are pathetic at pool. Megan shows some skillz. Kindle continues to outmaneuver the rest of the hos by managing to get Charlie to herself away from the others. Charlie challenges her to a dance off. The best way I can think of to describe Charlie’s dancing is think Will Ferrell in his old Saturday Night Live cheerleader skits. Kindle’s professionho dance moves make quite the impression on Charlie. He tells her that he’ll be right back and goes into the room where the other ladies are sitting around a table having a few drinks. He not very smoothly fetches a rose. Charlie tells us he decided to give Kindle a rose because she’s fun. Kindle shows just how charming she can be and just what her motives are by confessing afterwards that her work is done. She got her alone time and she got a rose. Nothing is quite as touching as a young woman looking for love.

    Anitra also gets some alone time with Charlie. He gives her a little grief about wearing a wash cloth the morning before to the ballroom. Charlie kind of likes the fact that Anitra is a little shy. I’m sure that’s why he likes Kindle too. Anitra says that underneath she’s a rebel. Charlie thinks that her nose ring proves her point. Kristen and some of the other women turn Charlie off a bit by outright asking for a rose during their alone time. In the end, he decides to give the second rose to Anitra because she wasn’t overly pushy.

    Horsing Around

    Carrie has decided to get into the competitive spirit. Siomara is making sure she has the phone next to her before the next group date. Her vigilance pays off as she answers the phone when Charlie calls. He tells her that he is going out for a night on the town and that he is inviting eight women to join him. The rest is up to the hos. They have ten minutes to get ready. A free for all ensues as eleven women get ready for the eight spots. Krisily and Siomara come up with a plan to take charge. The two try to make sure that the women who got roses during the speed dating go out on the town so as to increase the odds of receiving one of the two roses at stake.

    When Charlie shows up, they pull off their plan. No one questions that Siomara is in charge of choosing who goes on the date. Gina Marie is upset because she was initially told she was going. Charlie demonstrates his strong suit is not math by telling us that this group date is eight girls and two roses and hopefully three times the fun. Psst, its three additional women not three times as many, Charlie.

    At the anonymous club, Charlie and the ladies are tearing up the dance floor. After a song ends, Charlie says this is better than pool and wants everyone to go get a shot. Siomara confesses to Charlie that she took charge and told the other girls that she was supposed to pick who was going on the date. Charlie seems to be impressed by her initiative. Kyshawn decides to confront the minority issue with Charlie and notes to him that she’s the only chocolate girl there. Charlie says that he took a black girl to his prom and that it is not an issue for him if it isn’t for her.

    Sarah B. the labor and delivery nurse has decided to wear her hair like Pippi Longstockings. During their alone time, they discover that they have a lot in common. Charlie and Krisily discuss the fact that they are both dyslexic. Except that for Charlie its letters and for Krisily it’s numbers. We also learn that Krisily used to weigh over 200 pounds. She asks him what he’s looking for and he says someone to have fun with. The two share a pretty chaste kiss.

    As Charlie confides, a lot of the girls are easy on the eyes but not so easy on the ears. He then gets some alone time with Kristine, the poem writing swimsuit model. This time Kristine claims to also be a private investigator for the government half time. Charlie gives a confessional in which he says bikini and FBI! I detect a girl that’s crazy. He tells her that she can definitely kiss him on the cheek. She then gives him a big hug. The look on his face is priceless. I was surprised he didn’t stand up, bolt and scream “run away.”

    Meanwhile, back at the brownstone, the remaining women have convinced a still stewing Gina Marie that it would be a good idea for her to just go join the date. How exactly she knows where to go is a mystery to me. I’m thinking the producers may have helped her a little. Jenny thinks it would be hilarious to see the looks on the faces of the women already on the date as they wonder what the crazy bleep is doing here.

    Even Horngals Get the Blues

    Charlie has now decided to do body shots on national television. Perhaps the previous eight shots he has done have colored his judgment? One of the women claims to have never heard of a body shot. If the term is not foreign to me, I find it hard to believe she doesn’t know it. Charlie describes Krisily as cool and down to earth. Apparently in Charlie’s world that means willing to lie down across a bar, expose your stomach, let a guy pour half a shaker of salt on your stomach and then lick it off. I associate down to earth more with Birkenstocks. Charlie gives Krisily a rose and claims it has nothing to do with the body shot. Right.

    Sarah B. decides to show off her booty dance which mostly consists of gyrating and rubbing her buttocks up against Charlie. Really not something I needed to see. Geitan, in the meantime, is starting to have doubts about why she is there. She doesn’t like the bar setting and she’s not having fun.

    Sarah W. who already has a rose has managed to steal Charlie away. She claims to be shy. Her claim is belied a bit by the fact that she and Charlie end up making out while she has her hand on his knee/thigh. When Charlie comes up for air, he says that they should leave something for later. She must be a good kisser because he proclaims that he was wrong. Not only is she pretty, she’s a knockout.

    Gina Marie’s taxi has mysteriously arrived at the club. She walks in and announces it is her time. Charlie appears one shot away from passing out. Gina Marie’s arrival has exactly the opposite effect of what the women back at the brownstone intended. Charlie is impressed and applauds her for coming.

    In case you weren’t already sure about how drunk Charlie is, he decides to compare himself to Hugh Hefner and gloat about the fact that Hugh could only handle seven girls at a time but he is juggling nine.

    Geitan decides she’s had enough. She announces that she prefers to remove herself from the show while she still has her dignity. This just doesn’t suit her personality. She doesn’t want to be a party pooper, but she is just not comfortable. Charlie, even in his inebriated state, is enough of a gentleman to walk her out. Afterwards, he says that he felt bad and that it was not the right time to hand out another rose. He decides to call it an evening. Sarah B. is sure that she would have gotten the second rose if Geitan hadn’t left.

    Honesty is the Best Policy

    The next morning, the women who weren’t on the night club date, and especially Kindle are confused. Geitan’s stuff is still at the brownstone, but as they learn, she is gone; at least for the moment. The six who have yet to go on a group date learn that they will be playing volleyball and going rock climbing with Charlie. Obviously, this was supposed to be a date for seven but Gina Marie’s party crashing changed the numbers. As Krisily describes it, these are the six who couldn’t fight hard enough. Because Kerry is one of the six, Charlie has two roses to give to five women.

    The date takes place at the Chelsea Pier. Charlie explains that he is looking for a little spunk and humor. Danushka with her usual sunny disposition tells us that if she wanted big boobs she would have bought them too.

    After the volleyball game, Charlie tells the girls that he likes to fish and golf in his spare time. He fenced when he was younger. He thinks his mother got him started because he liked to sword fight, and he wanted to be a ninja. He has enough self awareness to admit that he’s no rocket scientist.

    Charlie and Jenny spend a little alone time together. Charlie is clearly impressed. The two of them chat about how they like to spend their weekends. At the end, Charlie decides to give a rose to Jenny because their conversation was the easiest going so far. Charlie is interested to see who else can loosen up.

    Kara the nanny and Charlie scale the wall together. Kara decides it is time to share her secret with Charlie. Kara is a single mother with a nine year old daughter. The two of them are really close. Charlie is impressed that Kara was up front with him.

    Charlie then says that he’s had his eye on Kimberly. She was the one he didn’t mind sitting on his lap. Charlie wanted her to be safe so he gives her the last rose. At the end of the date, Charlie and the girls share a group hug. Afterwards, Danushka says it is time to come out of the corner and blindside the other girls. She tells the “bitches” to watch out.

    The Hot Seat

    Charlie and Chris walk into the rose ceremony together. Charlie is dressed much more casually than past bachelors in a pair of jeans and an untucked dark brown shirt and looks fairly sheepish. On one side of the room the women who already have roses are seated or standing. On the other side are those who will be eliminated if they don’t receive a rose at the ceremony. Charlie thinks this arrangement sucks. There are five remaining roses to hand out. Chris makes it clear that even those who already have roses can speak out. He then drops a bombshell and lets everyone know that Geitan has decided to return. I’m thinking that “decided” might not be correct. More like forced to return at gunpoint.

    If Mike Fleiss was hoping for the changes and Geitan’s return to result in drama, his expectations were exceeded. It might not have been the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, but it was certainly the most catty. When Geitan tries to explain her decision to leave and then return, the claws all come out. Sarah B., Geitan, and Krisily all get into it. Danushka says she thinks Geitan left because she knew she wasn’t going to get a rose. The trash talking continues with even Kerry joining in. Finally, Kyshawn tries to get things back on track by reminding everyone that this is supposed to be about Charlie.

    Next Charlie gets put on the spot and tries to explain how he decided who to give roses to. Essentially, he says that he was overwhelmed and gave out roses for different reasons at different times. Danushka decides to ask Charlie if she would have gotten a rose at the club if she’d done a body shot. At that point, Charlie lets Danushka have it a bit. He tells her he thought she was perpetrating a fraud by acting like a big shot with sunglasses and a purse. Danushka and Krisily then take one another on with Danushka explaining to Krisily that doing the body shot doesn’t make her a bitch, it makes her a slut. Kristine then gives a scary speech about connections and her heart which causes most of the other women to roll their eyes.

    Charlie is probably afraid for his safety at this point and decides to announce the names of the five who are staying. Charlie offers roses to Sarah B., Kara, Carrie, Gina Marie (who he calls Gina Maria), and Megan. Megan has clearly seen previous version of the show as she tells him that she would love to accept this rose.

    There are lots of tears from the girls who are leaving. The scariest is Kristine the secret agent/swimsuit model who seems to believe she had true feelings for Charlie. She says that she wants to tell him she loves him. Geitan gives Charlie a parting handshake and says that some of the girls are so nasty I’d be scared to sit on the toilet seat. Danushka stays bitchy to the end and gives Charlie sarcastic thanks for the advice about not wearing sunglasses. Charlie caps off the highly entertaining but not very high class show by saying he definitely wants to fall in love.

    Onward Ho

    Next week, Charlie goes on his first romantic one on one date and the stakes are higher than ever. At the end of the date, he has to offer a rose or the woman is gone. One woman considers going blonde to suit Charlie’s taste, Charlie sends someone home before the rose ceremony, and group date turns trashy.

    Want to discuss the fact that this recap is longer than the relationship that results from the show is likely to be? E-mail mariner@fansofrealitytv.com

  2. #2
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    Charlie is given a clock to time each two minute date. He seems to be inordinately proud of the fact that he figures out how to work the clock.

    Anitra thinks the living arrangements are a recipe for disaster. You’d think they had just been dropped on a beach with no fire or water. Wait, that’s another show.

    As Charlie confides, a lot of the girls are easy on the eyes but not so easy on the ears.
    I really enjoyed reading your recap, Mariner. I haven't yet decided if I'm watching this time around, so it was great getting your take on it--I'm sure I got more enjoyment of the the last 10 minutes I spent reading that I would have from watching the show for 2 hours. (But you made it sound interesting enough, that I might eventually tune in.)

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    I loved this recap, great job Mariner!

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    Actually, I think this show is fun. Charlie is a character and the girls are a scream. He obviously prefers blondes (whether he is a gentlemen is unknown at this point - but there is some doubt). I was a lot more entertained than with the exceedingly booooring Jen show.

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    Thanks Mariner for a great recap....I fell asleep and missed the entire show.
    Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day---Harry S. Truman

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariner
    Holy First Impression Batman

    Charlie says he’s a real guy looking for a real girl. Girls are much better without makeup and ready to go with jeans and a t-shirt. I think Charlie truly believes he thinks this. His actions say otherwise.

    Hornamental Enhancements
    Excellent recap, Mariner! I loved it.

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    The recap is so much better than the show. Much much better.

    They must have used a pole to dredge most of these women from the wayyyyy down at the bottom of the barrel. This is the sluttiest collection of women ever. The producers must have culled this bunch from 1-800-Escort.

    Charlie is the oldest, most decrepit looking 29 year old I've ever seen. Those clothes...that HAIR. Gawd. I ended up liking him; he's funny, quick with a quip. But it doesnt make up for just out of bed, throw on whatever was on the floor grooming.

    Geitan...no way is she 30. 40, maybe...she slipped and referred to how she might have enjoyed herself 'twenty'...oops, 'ten', years ago....

    And the Pippi Longstockings one...somebody who hates her must have told her that was a cute look on her.

    Why is this show in NYC? it feels all wrong, cramped and boring. The room they cram the girls into with those bunk beds...I would have turned and LEFT.

    This is gonna be a long long episode of Elimidate. I miss the rules, the lovely SPACIOUS mansion, the limos, the gowns.

    Thanks for the recap, Mariner. You recapped the whole show without a single whine.

  8. #8
    FORT Fan InsideOut's Avatar
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    Great job! A 2-hour show succinctly packed into a nice, informative recap with lots of humor to boot!

    I went into the show thinking this Charlie guy was a complete putz, and ended up really enjoying the show anyway. He's a hoot! I agree with Onewally ... Charlie looks much older than his stated age of 29. He's packed a lot of hard living in those 29 years, I'll bet. He appears to be a trust fund baby who has been living off his parents and brother his whole life, and is probably a professional party playin' kind of guy who has never held down a real job. Professional real estate developer? Is that what he claims he is? Doesn't that go right along with pharmacy sales, the other catch-all job they give all the unemployed contestants? Charlie probably mowed the lawn on his daddy's summer home once, if you want to call THAT real estate developing.


    I also agree with Onewally about Sarah's hair -- lose those pigtails, girl! They're completely lame, and so is the pony tail. Geez, you're on national TV, brush your hair into a decent style for God's sake!

    Once again agreeing with Onewally -- Geitan is MUCH older than 30. She might be a sun worshipper from Newport Beach, but even the sun couldn't do that much damage in 30 years.

    These girls are nuts! This is going to be a complete ho fest. In past seasons, ABC has been very tame in their selection compared to this one. I think ABC hired someone who was fired from the FOX network to find these girls. My only regret is that Charlie sent all the nastiest, weirdest ones home already. The model with the D name should have stayed on just so we could all hate her longer. And what was with Geitan's comment about not wanting to sit on the same toilet seats as the rest of these girls? Can you really catch an STD that way?

  9. #9
    Time to Come Back, Boys Arielflies's Avatar
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    Very well done, Mariner!

    You captured the party-time spirit and made simple Charlie likeable. I just wonder if he can make any clear-headed decisions regarding choosing the floozies. I'd lift a shot glass of beer from the dive in your honor, but I'd fear catching something from its unwashed, salt-encrusted rim.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mariner
    Episode 1 (3/28): All the Hos Down in Hoville

    Let’s Get This Ho Started

    Holy First Impression Batman

    Hornamental Enhancements

    Honing Their Skills

    Homeward Bound

    There is no Honor Among Hos

    Hope Floats

    Horsing Around

    Even Horngals Get the Blues

    Honesty is the Best Policy

    The Hot Seat

    Onward Ho
    Great work - how many words start with "HO"? And how many of them will you be able to use this season?

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