I almost feel guilty that eny had to recap the first two hours of this nonsense, but not guilty enough to be very happy that the last hour of the show – the After the Final Rose episode was so lame that I am left with hardly anything to say. What a waste of three hours of my life that I can never have back. How about we just smack Jen upside the head, plant a big juicy kiss on Jerry and call it a night? No? You want to hear what happened in detail? Seriously… there’s not much to tell. But since you asked, here goes nothing. (And when I say nothing, I mean nothing.)
The show begins with Chris sitting in front of a live studio audience. Before we get to see the actual final rose ceremony with Jen and Jerry, though, we are forced to wait juuuuust a little bit longer while Chris welcomes John Paul to the stage. The audience seems to love him and continues to applaud for awhile. We call this pity applause. Finally, after they quiet down, Chris asks JP a few times, “So, you have some questions for Jen? You want to ask Jen some questions? You ready to get some answers?” YES DAMMIT! SHEESH! Jen comes out and joins JP. They hug, yada yada. And just like in season’s past, the dumpee asks the dumper, “Why didn’t you want me?” Jen gives the same speech we have been hearing about how JP has all of the qualities she is looking for in a husband and how he is such a great guy with a great home and a great family. JP looks at her with a “Yeah? So? If that’s the case, wtf is your problem?” Jen says, “I just wasn’t feeling it.” Apparently, missing from the perfect guy with the perfect job and the perfect home and the perfect family was the perfect amount of passion. She felt about as much for this guy as she did for her new best friend, Wendell, as was evidenced each and every time she passionlessly kissed him during the previous two excruciatingly long hours prior to this after the rose show. JP takes it well and wishes her the best. However, we know in the back of his effeminate little brain he is thinking, “You’re going to be an old maid, woman.”
Chris scoots JP from the stage and sends boring and fickle Jen away with him. Finally, Jerry the Hot enters and is warmly greeted by the studio audience, which is filled with screaming desperate women. Hey, he’s hot. I can’t fault you for trying. Jerry sits down and Chris talks about a love song Jerry had written and had recorded by his best friend. The music starts up and we hear the song, “Beauty Queen and the Lucky Boy” or some such title. It’s a cute song. Quite country. You can tell by the song that Jerry is head over heels for his honey, Jen. Poor guy. While the song plays in the background, we see footage of Jerry’s and Jen’s “romance” on this season of The Bachelorette.
Finally, we get to see that missing ending from the final episode… Jerry’s proposal. [Cue dream sequence music] We are taken back to that final day of Jen waiting in a big candle and rose filled room with streamers of diamonds strung from the ceiling. Jen is wearing that awful white dress that does nothing for her figure. Jerry walks in and says she looks like an angel. I think, “Yeah, an angel in an awful white dress. She should have picked that killer black dress she tried on first.” Anyway, he is smitten, gives her the speech about how he’s totally head over heels for her and and and… then Jerry starts to bend down on one knee, when Jen screeches “WAIT!!” Jerry looks confused and Jen says, “Oh, sorry. Continue.” Fortunately, Jerry doesn’t continue, realizing that if her yelling stop was an involuntary reaction, that he should probably hold off on the proposal. After she ruins the moment, she says, “Were you about to do what I think you were about to do?” He says, “If you thought I was going to get down on one knee and offer you a ring, then yeah.” Jerry continues and tells her that he doesn’t want to leave without her.” Jen pipes in, “I don’t want to leave without you either!!” Jerry says she’s the girl for him, but Jen tells him to hold off on the proposal, because she doesn’t want to make another mistake like the first one (Sorry Andrew. She’s talking about you). She wants him to hold on to the ring and offer it to her when they are both sure. Jerry says that he’s sure now, but whatever, dude, if that’s what she wants. He puts the ring back in his pocket, then Jen unconvincingly tries to convince him how much she wants to be with him by saying she is 100% committed to this relationship. I call BS. Of course, by now, we all know it’s BS.
After it ends, Jen joins them onstage. She and Jerry greet with a big hug and then the two sit. Uncomfortably. And really far apart. Chris waits a moment then says, “Hey Jen. We’re all waiting for an answer here.” She looks at Jerry way at the other end of the couch, prompting him to say, “Yeah, what am I supposed to do with this?” as he takes the ring out of his coat pocket. Jen looks pleadingly at Jerry then says, “I was 100% committed to this relationship, but, as you and I decided, we’ll be better off as friends.” The audience is shocked. Almost as shocked as Jerry who OBVIOUSLY had no part in the better-off-as-friends decision. Jerry recomposes himself quickly and takes the high road, saying he isn’t mad or angry or upset with Jen at all because she allowed him to be open to the prospect of love and giving his heart away again. From the back, I believe I hear the faint sounds of John Paul dancing a happy jig, singing something about Old Maid Jen. Maybe it’s just me.
After that, Chris lets the audience ask questions of the not-a-couple. Jen is bombarded with the requisite, “What’s your problem, lady? If having your pick from 25 eligible guys can’t make you happy, then what can?” Jen hems and haws and gives no answer. The next lady asks what, admittedly, I have been wondering, “So Jen, were you guys just bad in bed together?” Jerry says, “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” as any hot guy would with his manhood in question. Jen looks disgusted and says, “I don’t want to answer that. I can’t believe people ask things like that.” I can, Jen. Inquiring minds want to know. I want to know.
However, I guess we’ll never know. Maybe we should ask her boss/boyfriend if she’s good in bed. I bet he knows.
Thank God it’s over. What an awful season. You agree? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Adios!