Welcome to finale. It’s been an interesting ride. The most raunchy tabloid press and the cloudiest ending ever in sight. Fasten your seat belts kiddies, this is going to be bumpy ride.
The show opens at the second busiest tourist attraction in Cleveland besides the Rock & Roll hall of the Fame. The Schefft house on the reality TV tour . Actually we aren’t quite there yet. Jen meets JP at a bar so they both can get a little liquored up before facing Jen’s parents for the meet who she’s dragged home this time. We’ll hear lots in the show about “last time”. I hope Andy’s not watching, as not all of it is flattering. Jen says she loved JP’s family , meaning they didn’t ignore her and talk about Thailand. JP gushes on and on about how perfect Ms. Jen is. He brings her some earrings, which leads Jen to tell us JP will treat her like a princess. Nothing cheers our girl like some tasteful bling. Jen carries on about not fitting into an established lifestyle, but leaves out the Like Andrew part. We all knew what she was thinking. JP then says he’ll sell everything so they can be together. Oh good, Jobless and Homeless. Well it worked for Ian … just not for long.
JP asks about meeting the parents and she tells him they won’t be nervous – they’ve done this before. Nice zinger Jen.
They go to the by now famous house for dinner, and JP presents mom with a large burgundy vase instead of flowers. Interesting choice, as not everyone enjoys random tsatskes on first meeting. Jen’s mom is a trooper though, and says tells us it’s more permanent than flowers. Yes JP , but you don’t have to put flowers out for a garage sale in the spring. They sit and chat about JP’s company, which he seems to have financed from money from his first car. Got to give the boy props for planning. It seems he’s been a mini mogul since high school, flipping properties etc. No wonder he’s a dull, boring 25 yr old. He’s the re-incarnation of the Donald. They buy into his story he’s ready for marriage and a family. When he takes Dad aside for some man to man time , Dad can only manage a “We trust Jen’s judgment” when asked for dad’s blessing on a possible marriage. Dad has been through this before you see. Still he brands JP a gentleman and sincere, and he seems to have impressed him. JP repeats the same story over and over to the mom and the bro. When he leaves, Dad tells her he liked JP very much as he seemed in control but not controlling ( like someone else we know) . Yes Andrew Firestone I’m looking at you.
She meets Jerry at another bar for some liquid courage before meeting the parents. Poor Jen . This really has been hard on ya. She asks Jerry some really tough questions like "what is it you do for a living?". After squirming around and trying to evade her, and after six weeks she gets an answer. He’s a gallery director, with plans in the future to open his own. Jerry – was that so hard ? Get some Ritalin. It will rock your world. They go back and forth over more vague ideas about their future. Not once did anyone mention marriage, family , or even a dog. Not looking too promising, and they are both obviously hoping simple chemistry will hold this together. They go to see the parents and they have to stop on the way for flowers. Polar opposite to JP, he hadn’t even thought to get a bouquet for mom. Jerry meets the parents and they sit down for a chat. He is evasive and covers his eyes a lot. He tells them his job in LA has kept him busy for a few years. Oh burn Jerry. You were in NYC til 02 anyway. I guess you figure Mom & Dad can’t Google either.
Jerry seems to warm up a bit, and he answers a few more questions. Not well, but at least he’s answering. Dad isn’t loving him at all, while Mom says she likes both of them. He asks what they think Jen needs for a positive relationship. Dad says she’s happiest when the guy respects her, dominates her without being domineering (We are looking at you again Andrew), who is in charge, and makes her laugh, and is attracted to her. Hey, none of the traits that Jerry has, except for that last one.
There are more questions with evasive answers, and Jerry ends up on the couch bonding with Mom over the baby pictures. Finally, he says he’s willing to move to Chicago to pursue the relationship, and Mom says Jen needs to know how he feels. She tells him he reminds her of Jen “the first time”. Mom and Jerry hold hands and giggle. Jen walks him outside and gives him another least romantic kiss ever, and he tells her to go "clean up the mess" .Whatever that means. Maybe he thinks Mom is hot for him.
Back inside Jen, wants the dirt. JP or Jerry.
Mom liked her new best friend Jerry better. Dad likes JP better. Bro just wants the camera crews out of the house. Jen says she’s going crazy, she’s changing her mind every five minutes, and her family was no help.
Back in NYC Jen is journaling to try and make some sense of it all. Not like our dear Byron whose Journal entries made us cry. More like ok what the hell do I do now? Jen sends in her girlfriends to do more dirty work. Having already gone undercover for Jen in the first episode, Abby and Michelle are up for some more bachelor grilling. Gotta love true blue girlfriends.
They first scope out JP. He lays it on pretty thick. Jen’s perfect. She’s everything I want. I love her . Rainbows and angels fly around her head. The girls point out there is a 50/50 chance of some dumpage. Are you going to freak out? He tells them he’ll definitely be upset. They brand him the perfect guy.
They then meet with Jerry. So Jerry, "Is it love"? they ask. Squirm, squirm. “Uh I haven’t told her anything like that, so I can’t say that stuff to you”. “All these questions can be answered in time” says Jerry. A & M give him points for not being a stalker anyway.
The girlfriends give the report to Jen – JP’s head over heels, Jerry’s cute but wouldn’t answer any damn questions. Jen then amazingly tells us she loves hearing what they have to say, but she’s not listening anyway. Thanks for nothing.
All through the show they have been promoing the big breakdown. I guess that’s next.
They are right , as they show Jen waking up crying, telling us she’s a wreck and she needs more time. The girlfriends are supposed to take her ring shopping, and dress shopping to cheer her up. Not even a limo is making this girl smile. C’mon Jen you are shopping in Manhattan, in a limo, on ABC’s dime. You could crack a tiny one just for the vibe. Most of us would kill for the shopping trip. They enter the store and Jen has been freaking out since she left the loft. She tries on some really ugly dresses, and settles on one that makes her look really chunky. Man is she spaced out, and the girls take note . Abby and Michelle tell her to just let them pick the dress and ring, and tell her to concentrate on the guy. I think Jen wants it the other way around. She’s still freaking. They next go to find a ring and they pull up at Harry Winston. Fleiss and Harry must have kissed and made up. We meet a nice Harry Winston rep with the biggest rocks on her hand I have ever seen not on a rapper or Liz Taylor. She helps Jen pick out a nice ring that looks nothing like the "Andrew" ring. Immediately Jen freaks out again - right in the store. Abby and Michelle try and calm her down before they call the security guys or something. They get her in the limo where she continues. She wishes she had never done this, she doesn’t want to send the wrong guy home. She keeps it up, while the girls look on. What fun. This is the happiest show ever. Not.
Back in the Bachelorette pad, Jen prepares for her last dates with her not so positive attitude. “I have to be smart. I want to be smart. Last time I took a leap of faith I got %$#&.” Oh my, we are cursing. I’d kill for a little Fabrice levity right about now.
Jen gets a pizza and waits for Jerry. She tells us she wants some closure. Jerry arrives and they seem a bit glad to see each other. Then Jen tells him she’s glad this will soon be over. Jerry asks if it’s "almost over or almost beginning". Whoops Jen. Big no no, being so negative. Jerry talks his way around the old “In love” question again. Could these two be any more dysfunctional? They talk to each other in a monosyllabic, monotone kind of way. She tells him she knows "where he is", and that she can’t say any more. How unromantic. She gives a few more rounds of the "I’m scared" talk, and boots him out with a dry kiss. I kiss the dog with more feeling.
JP’s turn for a big romantic night . I hope he fares better than Jerry. CSPAN is more entertaining. She tells us she knows JP would be a great husband . JP tells Jen he has fallen in love, and now there is excitement at the ending of the show. Maybe it’s just that she’s realized this is indeed the last lame date in her contract. Now she tells him she’s scared they aren’t in the real world, because she got fooled the last time. She tells him she has no questions about him, he tells her he’s fallen in love yet again. He feels with time the Chicago thing will be no concern. It’s apparently an unwritten rule, that Jen’s not relocating this time. JP is rewarded with better kisses and a stint in the hot tub for this info. There is some talk of a fairy tale ending. Yeah, heard that before.
The day finally comes, and Jen finally isn’t in a total panic. Either she’s made up her mind,or she has a plane ticket out of town. She talks about Jerry telling us there is chemistry and a connection, but no substance. Obviously he didn’t share his mom talk or it’s been Fleissinated. We see Jerry going ring shopping in a limo. They pull up at Harry Winstons . They have cleared away the doormen out of respect for the fact that a few short years ago it was Jerry opening limo doors for the important blatant corporate sponsorships. Good thing they didn’t do the bachelor in NYC then, or this déjŕ vu would have been really embarrassing. The bling ring lady helps Jerry pick out a three stone ring.
He leaves, then it’s JP’s turn in the limo. Jen tells us again there is nothing she questions about John Paul, and that she feels close to him. He enters Winstons and picks out the same big rock that Jen did. 50,500 is the price tag, but ABC is picking it up. Chances are the ring will back by the end of the day anyway.
They show them all getting ready and entering their limos. Jen gets there first and it’s a much fancier set than Jen’s first time. Sparkly crystals hang from the ceiling , but a lot less flowers. They must be horrendously expensive in the city.
Oh here is the first promo for the next Bachelor, Cheeseball Charlie. He’s going to be in NYC for a six week bimbo party come March. Oddly they haven’t renamed it Goodtime Charlie. Like we’re expecting any more than Bob part 2 from this.Good luck with that.
Back to the show , and JP’s out first. Uh-oh, it looks like he’s toast, except maybe they tricked us like they did with Jesse. They meet and he tells her how great she looks. JP gives his by now familiar Jen is the perfect woman speech. He pulls out the ring and she recognizes it. She tells him he’s incredible and has every quality she’s looking for BUT something is not there. There’s just no chemistry baby . She walks him to the door -Good luck, have a nice life. In the limo he’s a bit teary but not devastated. He tells the limocam she let the best guy go, and she’ll be 32 and sorry she gave him up. Huh ? I guess when you are 25 that’s practically dead.
Jen walks back in and stands by the podium waiting. Suddenly without warning, the shows over. Wow what’s up with that? Did Jerry take the limo to the airport instead? I guess we’ll find out After the Final Rose. Sher will be continuing the longest show ever.
After 8 seasons of most dramatic rose ceremonies, Sher and I are hanging up our laptops . It was just that bad. I guess Fleiss just overextended himself on the suckage with Real Gilligan, The Will , and now this. Our writing team will be tag teaming for Charlie , as no one person has a stomach that strong. Tums and other assorted pharmaceuticals to email@example.com