As if this season of The Bachelor has not been torturous enough with all the boring dates and boring guys and the boring bachelorette who clearly isn’t into any of them long term – let’s add insult to injury and bring back all the boring bachelors for one last boring night of droning on about what they really thought before Jen dumped them. The show begins as always with recaps of Jen’s journey through the sea of men until she whittled them down to the remaining 2 – the one she picks and John Paul. (Kidding! That’s not a spoiler… just a guess. I mean, wouldn’t you pick the hot one?)
Chris reintroduces the original bachelors (minus Jerry and JP) and I have to say that I barely remember any of them. The few I do remember include the enormous body builder guy that gave Jen the teddy bear. I remember gay Fabrice and Stalker Stu. I remember the drunk hick hairdresser that got cut in the first episode, and ski instructor, Ben, that bears resemblance to a young Greg Brady. I remember that annoying virgin warrior lover marathoner, Josh, who annoyed me even more than Frenchie. And Josh is sitting next to that honey and co-virgin, Jason, whose body is not a carnival ride. And there’s Keith. And he is HOTTT! And there’s Jen’s new best friend Wendell, and of course, the loveable Ryan, who got the boot last week. Chris tells us that the one thing these guys have in common is that Jen rejected all of them. Ouch. The truth hurts.
Chris begins with the requisite video montage of the guys in the house. After we re-see all of the footage, it ends with Wendell saying that the bachelor pad was an emotional place – like living with a bunch of guys with PMS, fighting for dates and which shirt to wear and knocking each other’s egos down a peg or two. The first guy addressed is David. Now see… if I didn’t explain who David was, you’d be as clueless as me. David is the dude that fainted at the first rose ceremony, then managed to not get a rose. When asked what happened, David tosses out his practiced response: “Well, someone had to take the fall.” He gets laughs and applause and that’s the last we see of him.
Chris then welcomes Stu to the hot seat and proceeds to tell Stu that he is quite the stalker. Stu tries to talk his way out of it, the way any good lawyer would, so Chris whips out the evidence and the video starts – showing Stu to be even more stalkery than I had thought. We are reminded of Stu on the first night saying that he was in love with Jen and that Jen was in love with him. And getting intense over not being selected for one on one dates. And the other guys bagging on him. When the footage ends, Stu tries to explain that he was intense because he was in an odd situation where he might have to fall in love and get married within a couple of weeks of knowing someone. Chris asks how the show has affected his real life. My guess is that his law practice is dwindling – but he says that he has gotten far more attention than deserved, becoming the butt of jokes from the likes of Kelly Ripa and Howard Stern. Chris turns his attention to Fabrice, saying, “Fabrice, you were his roommate. What did you think of him?” As Frenchie begins to insult Stu, Stu turns it and says, “Well, what would you know. I caught you trying to crawl into my bed.” Ouch! The gay card officially has been played. And the crowd goes wild! Chris laughs and says, “Yes, more on that later.” Stu gets up and heads back to his seat, still envisioned by us all as Stalker Stu.
With that, Chris explains that this season was an emotionally draining one for all of the men. The camera pans to poor dumpee, Ryan, and Chris welcomes him to the hot seat. He is such a cutie. The crowd begins yelling and applauding loudly for Ryan, clearly a fan fave. Chris points to the big screen and we see Ryan’s journey through Jensville, up to his limo ride away from the bachelor pad, pissed that he told Jen he wanted to grow old with her, and bidding her good riddance if she dumped him because she didn’t like his family. Ryan tells Chris that he knew he was getting dumped at the last rose ceremony because Jen wouldn’t make eye contact. Chris asks a bit more about the family date and we are shown “never before seen footage” of Jen saying that the family date definitely changed her feelings for Ryan when his family focused on their Thailand trip and ignored her. Ryan says that it was a 2 way street and Jen didn’t seem interested in getting to know his family either. Ryan admitted that his mother is very upset by how everything played out on TV and feels that Jen was classless in the way she handled things. The crowd apparently agrees and breaks out in applause and cheers.
Chris then talks to Wendell – from his chair with the other guys on stage. He asks Wendell when he knew things were falling apart with his relationship with Jen. Wendell answered, “When she said I reminded her of her brother. Twice.” Yeah, I’d think that would be a clear indication.
Next in the hot seat is Fabrice, known for his ability to piss of the other men by saying the most inappropriate or mean things. Chris tells Fabrice that he was very blunt, a fact to which Fabrice concedes. Chris adds, “But there is being blunt then there’s being a jackass.” Kudos to Chris for pointing that out. We see footage of Frenchie’s journey with Jen, from his groping Jen awkwardly on their solo date, to his telling Jen “I don’t want to marry you” at his final rose ceremony. Chris asks him why he didn’t just wait for Jen to refuse him the rose rather than ditch the ceremony instead of getting ditched. He says he just wanted to leave.
The entire time that Fabrice is in the hot seat, Warrior lover virgin Josh is rolling his eyes and showing his annoyance. Chris turns his attention to Josh and Jason, the other virgin, and asks Fabrice why he was so weirded out by them being virgins. Fabrice says he thinks it’s not natural. We see footage of all the guys talking about the virgins, as well as Jen saying that a guy should be experienced by this age. Chris says that once the guys found out there were two virgins in the house, they began acting as if they were living with serial killers. I have to admit, Chris had some good lines tonight. This was the least boring I believe he has ever been. The footage ends with Jason saying, “My body is not a carnival ride.” Chris asks Jason, “What happens when you find out your body IS a carnival ride and you’ve been missing out?” Everyone laughs and the guys take it in stride.
Finally, Chris asks the question we have all been wanting him to ask, “Fabrice, ARE. YOU. GAY?!!” I’m not sure Frenchie ever said no straight out, but he did dance around the subject saying that people need to get a life and that the rumor got started when some guy asked him to take his shirt off for some pictures and he did it. Fabrice – if after you took your shirt off, you continued to get undressed and then made out with the photographer… you might want to re-evaluate your sexuality. I’m just saying. Stalker Stu then adds fuel to the fire when he says that Fabrice would sneak peaks at the guys in the shower. WHAT??! Fabrice laughs uncomfortably but then says, “Noooo” unconvincingly when asked if the shower looks were true. So Chris isn’t convinced. The guys aren’t convinced. The photographer isn’t convinced. I’m not convinced. Fabrice – you might as well be gay because we all believe that you are anyway.
Unlike in past “Men Tell All” episodes, the bachelorette didn’t show up. Instead, Jen filmed a little segment which was played for everyone. Jen thanks Mark (remember the guy that gave her the angel pendant that he and his dead mom wore?) for the pendant, but said that he should give it to the woman he is going to marry, so she sent it back. She tells Ryan she is sorry for the way she acted at his parents’ house and hopes that they will forgive her and that her apology will make things right. She tells him that she thinks he is wonderful and hopes he finds a wonderful woman. She then says, “Stu, I’ve received all of your emails and letters and phone messages… juuuuuuuust kidding.” She assured Stu that she didn’t think he was a stalker and she was never scared of him. That she thinks he’s great. Jen finishes the video by addressing Fabrice, using her best French accent, and saying, “Fabrice – I don’t want to marry you either.”
After Jen’s video ends, Chris shows us footage of all the various times the guys ragged on Andrew Firestone – calling him little Andy Firestone and how he’s a loser for losing the glorious Jen. After a couple of minutes, the footage ends and Chris welcomes his surprise guest – Little Andrew Firestone. Andrew comes to the stage, sits in the hot seat and says, "Well, this isn’t awkward at all, is it?” When Chris asked how he felt about being ragged on, Andrew said that he knew it would happen because that’s what guys do – but that it could have been a lot worse. Chris said, “Worse? They toasted to ‘Little Andy Firestone.’” Andrew continued that the most difficult part of the show to watch was the scene between Fabrice and Jen, where Fabrice was forcing his tongue down her throat and Jen was pleading with her eyes to the camera for it to stop. Andrew said that his instinct was to come grab the guy by the scruff of the neck and drag him off of her. He also adds that he wished that Jen had kept Ryan and Ben around longer, as he thought they seemed like good guys. When questioned if he was still in love with Jen, he said that he regrets that they broke up, as one regrets any meaningful relationship ending, but that no, he was not pining for her. Two years have passed and they have both moved on with their lives. Chris asks if Andrew received the engagement ring back. He kind of smirked and looked down then said, “Uh, no.” And I’m sure that’s $25,000 he’ll never get back. Better start selling some wine, Andrew!
The show ends with footage of Jen and the remaining two bachelors. Tune in next week when Jen takes the guys home to meet her family. We learn that both men will propose. To one, Jen says no… to the other? We’ll all have to watch and see.
For questions, comments, any reason whatsoever why Jen would ever pick John Paul, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Adios!