The Bachelor 5/26 - The “After the Rose” That Wouldn’t End
Due to Eny’s slight TV disaster last night (just sound, no picture) and my desire to find out whether Fantasia or Diana took the title, you guys were thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to doing without a recap of the “After the Rose” show. In fact, I wasn’t even going to watch The Bachelor last night, but when I saw Chris in an edited blurb at the beginning of the show say to Tara, “You and Jesse had sex,” I got up, ran to the bedroom and hit record on the VCR. Now this I’ve got to see! Granted, I would be seeing it a few hours later because first I had to watch American Idol where both Diana and Fantasia looked and sounded great and Kelly Clarkson and Ruben sounded great but looked a little heavier than before. Those American Idols must get killer buffets! Anyway, on to the show!
In front of a small live studio audience, HostChris welcomes Jesse’s final pick, Jessica, to the show. Greeted with a kiss on the cheek, she sits down in a big comfy chair and prepares to be bored for the next hour. Chris says, “So… Jessica. How are you liking this media whirlwind and being on the cover of every magazine and the tip of everyone’s tongue?” She replies, “Eh, it’s okay.” Not receiving the answer he was looking for, he prods further, “How has your life changed?” Jessica replies, “It really hasn’t. I mean, now I have this meathead for a ‘boyfriend', but other than that it’s all just the same.” Unable to find anything interesting or memorable to say to Jessica, Chris says, “Well, let’s welcome our Bachelor, Jesse Palmer to the show!”
From the sidestage, Jesse jogs up to the stage where he shakes Chris’ hand and hugs Jessica and plants a little kiss on her lips. Jessica looks less than thrilled to receive the affection. The couple sits down and Jessica remembers that her contract says that she has to appear to actually like the guy that gave her the final rose or she is going to be sued for many millions of dollars. With that in mind, she feigns a smile and loops her arm through Jesse’s, albeit uncomfortably.
Chris claps his hands together and says, “Alright! Jesse, how are you and Jessica doing? Still in love?” Jesse says, “We’re doing great! And hell yeah we’re in love!” Jessica stares blankly at Chris with a “yeah right” grin on her face. Chris continues, “So what’s the best part of having the show end?” Jessica says, “Being able to be honest with my friends and family about how I really feel about Jesse.” My guess is there’s a lot of “He’s such a meathead – I don’t know what I ever saw in him” conversations going on. Jesse picks up the slack after Jessica’s uninteresting answer and says, “Yeah, Jessica got to meet all of my teammates - ” [sidenote: doesn’t he mean former teammates? I mean, I realize he hasn’t been officially cut from the Giants, but how can he seriously say ‘teammates’ with a straight face. This fourth stringer really is delusional.] Continuing, Jesse says, “Everybody, all my teammates, got to see and meet Jessica and they all thought she was really hot. They asked me how many times I bagged her. It was unbelievable.” Jessica grimaces.
Bored with this couple, Chris says, “Okay, enough about you two. Let’s do something more interesting. You get off of my stage and I’m bringing in Tara. We’re going to get to the bottom of this inappropriate behavior she talked about when Jesse dumped her.” The clearly unhappy couple get up and wander off – Jesse to stage right. Jessica to stage left. In comes Tara dressed in a cute Burberry halter top and slacks. She looks great. Chris says, “Thank God you’re here! We were dying up here!” Tara looks at Chris with indifference. The couple was dull. Tara is bored and here only out of contractual obligation. Chris begins to sweat. “So Tara, let’s take a look at your time on The Bachelor. They turn towards the TV where we see Tara not enjoying her time with Jesse, Tara not accepting Jesse’s advances, Tara trying to convince herself that she actually likes the meathead on their Canadian trip, Tara sick, vomiting and bitching out Jesse about his inappropriate behavior on their final intimate date. Good times.
After the “This Is Your Life” blip ends, Tara turns her cold stare from the TV to Chris. He dives right in by saying, “So, all of America thinks you had sex with Jesse. How was that?” Tara says, “Inappropriate.” Chris nods. Realizing that she just admitted to sleeping with the meathead, Tara says, “However, what I meant by inappropriate was that if he wasn’t going to choose me in the end, that he shouldn’t have said he was falling in love with me and shouldn’t have said and done some other things.” Chris says, “Like having sex with you?” Tara says, “It was inappropriate.”
Seeing that this interview was going nowhere, Chris says, “Well, let’s see what you do when faced with Jesse – the man that DUMPED you on national television after having sex with you then picking another woman. Come on out, Jesse!” From the side stage, Jesse jogs up to the stage where he hugs Tara and says, “Man. You look hot!” Tara says, “I know,” and sits back down. Chris begins, “So Tara, ask him about that inappropriate behavior of having sex with you then picking another woman.” Tara turns to Jesse and says, “Inappropriate.” Jesse says, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I got mines.” Chris says, “Jesse, are you still in looooooooove with Tara?” Realizing that he is in deep enough sh** with Jessica already from his “inappropriate” actions on the show, Jesse says, “I will always think Tara is great in bed. I’ll never think anything but good things about her in bed.” Tara smiles though her eyes say, “Inappropriate” loud and clear.
Chris rolls his eyes realizing this is the longest hour of his life. He tells Jesse that he really is not adding anything of value to the show and asks him to once again leave the stage. Pulling the last trick out of his hat, Chris welcomes Trish to the show. Tara puts on her venomous smile while Trish and her legs head up to the stage and plops down next to her. Chris, knowing that the show has just begun, sits back and smiles and says, “Ladies?”
Trish raises her eyebrows to the tippy top of her forehead and says to Tara, “Why are you such a bitch?” Tara maintains her cold stare and evil grin and says, “Because you’re a slutty gold digger and I don’t like you.” Chris rubs his hands together. This is getting good. “Trish says, “Well, why are you so prim and proper in front of everybody else, but so evil when no one else is around?” Tara retorts, “I am prim and proper. I have no idea what you mean by evil.” Chris interrupts, “Oh, I know what Trish means. Let’s look at these video clips of your and Trish’s time on the show.”
We see a montage of footage with Tara saying, “Trish has beady little eyes and a long and skinny nose. She’s a rat. She’s slutty and immoral and a nasty gold digger. I hate her. I hate her legs. I hate her hair. She’s ugly… yeah, that’s it! Ugly! And I hope I never see her again as long as I live.” Following this little piece of heaven is the now infamous rose ceremony where Tara walks up to Trish after being selected for final four and says, “Trish, you know you don’t deserve to be here.” Trish’s montage shows her saying, “Tara is an insecure little girl who has led a very sheltered life. She may be pretty on the outside but inside she’s just ugly. She’s a backstabbing bitch and I can’t stand her face.”
When the footage comes to an end, Trish looks at Tara and says, “Well, I was pretty dead on in my evaluation of you, now wasn’t I?” Tara scowls. Trish continues, “And, I may be a big slut, but at least I didn’t take it to the next level with that meathead on national television.” Tara turns her icy stare to Trish and looks her straight in the eye and says, “What do you mean by that?!” Trish says, “Uh… you remember the whole ‘did inappropriate things on our last date’ drama at the final dumping, right?” Tara spits back, “Yessssssssssss, but what do you mean?” Trish raises her eyebrows so high that they disappear into her hairline and continues to stare and smile at Tara while saying nothing. Tara says, “What sister, you ain’t got nothin’ to say? Bring it!” Trish stays glued in her chair, not blinking… not moving a muscle. Under her breath, Trish whispers, “You’re the slut. I just play one on TV.” Tara says, “You know what Trish? I’m done. Good luck to you.” She rips off her mic and heads offstage. Trish mutters to Chris under her breath, “Dude, she is a bitch. Chris nods in agreement. Cameramen and producers follow her down the hall yelling, “Tara! Tara! We’ll sue if you don’t get your ass back on stage!” Tara stops, her shoulders lower, her head drops and defeated she walks back to the stage and sits down.
Chris trying to keep the momentum going brings back out Jesse and Jessica. Jessica runs out and hugs Tara affectionately. Hell, she even greets Trish with more enthusiasm and excitement than that with which she greeted Jesse. Wanting to sit right between Tara and Trish, Jessica realizes that despite her obvious disdain for the meathead, that she must wander back over to him and pretend to still be interested. She walks back to him with a pout on her face, sits down and takes him by the hand.
Chris says, “Jessica, you moving to New York?” She shakes her head no while stammering something about law schools and being single. Chris then turns his attention to Jesse and asks, “So Jesse, you glad you gave Jessica the $1,000 plane ticket that she’ll never use as opposed to the $70,000 diamond ring?” Jesse says, “I think it was the right thing to do,” while Jessica nods emphatically, confirming that she wants no part of being Mrs. Palmer. Out of things to say, Chris says, “Well, let’s all watch some footage of Jesse being a complete moron with no manners. Wanna?” The three ladies and Jesse turn towards the TV where we see Jesse at every single meal talking with his mouth completely full of food. Neanderthal. Further, we see Jenny telling Jesse to quit kissing all the girls. He says, “But why? Bob kissed like twelve of them!” Jenny says, “Yeah, and you see where that got him!” Lastly, we see Jesse right before the final rose ceremony, staring at the diamond ring, doing his best impression of Gollum, with all the “My preshhhhhhhhhhhhhhusssssssssss sses” he could manage.
The footage ends and everyone stares sadly at poor Jessica who is stuck with this meathead for at least the next three months. Trish says, “Well. I think things ended as they should have. Good luck to you. I’m really happy it isn’t me with that loser. I mean, I have an image to maintain and can’t have him with food falling out of his mouth while eating at fancy restaurants.” Tara pats Jessica on the shoulder. Her eyes say to Jessica, “I’m SOOOO sorry,” while her mouth says, “I wish you guys the best.”
Finished with what is obviously another failed reality TV relationship, Chris scoots the 4 offstage and welcomes Jen, previous Bachelor winner and former future Mrs. Firestone, to the stage. She says she still loves Andrew, but was tired of touting the virtues of Firestone Wine and Firestone Tires. Apparently, Andrew had chosen Jen as more of a PR person than a fiancé. Chris asked Jen about her headline making news that she was dating Bill from The Apprentice. She says, “We went to dinner a couple of times. We were never dating and I was never his girlfriend.” Upon hearing that, Chris realizes that Jen has nothing exciting to add since the rumors weren’t true. Jesse and Jessica are pushed back out on stage where they greet Jen with hugs. Chris says, “As a surprise to the happy couple, we are sending you two back to the secluded island where you spent your first overnight date!” Jesse says, “Cool!” while Jessica gets a disappointed look on her face, rolls her eyes and says grimly, “Gee. Thanks.”
The music starts and all of the former Bachelor contestants and meathead Jesse wave goodbye to the studio audience. And so ends another season of The Bachelor! Those of you in the betting pool for how long Jesse and Jessica are going to last – from the looks of this couple, this relationship was over before it began.
You have something to say? Feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org!
Last edited by sher; 05-27-2004 at 11:56 AM.
Thank you, great read from top to bottom.
Very good recap!!
I too did not think that Jessica looked happy or comfortable.
School Of Champions
I should have just read yor recap and not wasted the hour watching it.
Sorry, but for once I found the show more interesting than the recap. Way too cynical for me.
Thanks for the recap. I missed bits and pieces to check on AI. And, as usual, the recap was far more entertaining than the show itself.
The bloopers were the best part. Why don't they show more of them during the show itself?? It certainly would make the "stars" seem more human and realistic.
I also noticed how un-in-love Jessica seemed. I don't think the pressure of being on stage could have gotten to her now. Time will tell.
J/J for the win!
That was hilarious! I'm glad I watched Idol instead. Thanks for the great recap!
Seeing that this interview was going nowhere, Chris says, “Well, let’s see what you do when faced with Jesse – the man that DUMPED you on national television after having sex with you then picking another woman.
Chris rolls his eyes realizing this is the longest hour of his life. He tells Jesse that he really is not adding anything of value to the show and asks him to once again leave the stage.
Wanting to sit right between Tara and Trish, Jessica realizes that despite her obvious disdain for the meathead, that she must wander back over to him and pretend to still be interested. She walks back to him with a pout on her face, sits down and takes him by the hand.
Hilarious "read between the lines" recap! The next season has to be better. This one was a big loser.
Cy Young 2010
Thanks Sher! I only caught bits and pieces of ATFR. I was okay with it though because I knew there would be a great recap.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.