This week, you get recaps from both eny and sher. We had to combine the effort as neither of us could stand watching for a full two hours. Eny gets the first meet the parents hour and I will take you through the final, amazing moments. Yeah… don’t get your hopes up. Off we go!
Last week on the bachelor: The producers yank Jesse’s chain by sending him to the romance capital of the world ,Washington DC, then unleashing a former contestant who can still ‘smell the money’ (I stole that from Survivor , but it fits here too). Even though I did not actually see the stake go through her heart, we are assured Trish has finally left the building.
It’s the final show, and to say we are waiting with baited breath for the results would be lying. He has narrowed it down to Lawyer Barbie and Contractor Barbie. Don’t we all feel liberated?
The show opens with Jesse in his “hometown” of Indianapolis, Indiana. Despite the fact that he is Canadian and grew up in Ottawa, suddenly this is his “hometown”. Ok whatever, I’m not even going to ask . With Pamela Anderson taking her US citizenship as well this week, I want to ask the citizens of America (meekly) to keep working on Celine Dion.
Jesse tells us he could be engaged to one of these women soon, and he needs his family’s help to make the decision . Also taking co-dependant roles this week are Nick and Jenny, his college chums. Jenny, if you will recall, was our imbedded spy at the Bachelorette mansion. Jesse tells us in his previous relationships, Nick has picked up on things that Jesse was blind to. Jesse blind to things that everyone else in the planet clued into ten seconds in? Quelle surprise. * cough TRISH cough* Jessica, for her part, tells us falling in love is the “best thing ever,” and that having her heart on the line is “scary”.
Jesse and Jessie meet Jenny and Nick at a downtown bar. Jesse and Nick do the male bonding thing where they punch each others arms, and Jesse tells him if he doesn’t help he’s gonna punch him in the face, too . Nick wants no part of it, reasoning that if Jesse then screws it up, he’ll hear the whining forever. As I suspect he was in college, he’s just here for the beer.
Meanwhile Jenny and Jessica hug and talk girlie talk. But wait, Jessica sounds like she’s reading from the same deposition she wrote for the Bach producers: I’m head over heals , I’m scared.
Jessica thinks she is talking to one of his football buds, as she reveals to Nick she is there to win the “the game.” She then corrects herself and says “his heart,” but Nick kind of chuckles. Have another beer, Nick . Jenny tells Jessica to pile the bull on even higher, as that is all that Jesse understands . Jenny now seems like the older sister who takes care of and fusses over Jesse. I’m glad they didn’t eat because I would have died if she had cut his meat for him, too.
It’s then off to Ma and Pa’s (Bill and Susan) and bros Billy and Christian. Jessica brings flowers. Ma has watched the last Bachelor and declared she watched Meredith and Ian fall in love. She’s wondering if her baby has done the same. For some reason Dad wants to speak French to her. Thank goodness they never met up with Trish and her “French things.” They grill Jessica about school and ask if she’s ready to commit. She does an excellent job under cross examination. Dad gives the now prophetic “pro sports is fickle” talk to dissuade any kind of NFL hanger-on types. (Julie would have failed this test badly.) Jessica counters with ‘I don’t do football, and don’t care if he’s a janitor’ talk. Yay, touchdown on that one! Mom & Dad nod approval. The bros declare her “not ugly”. I think she’ll be an excellent attorney. Jessica reads her “I lost my heart” deposition to mom, who was convinced already. Dad pulls out “ye olde cliché” book as he announces “be true to yourself.” They hug and J&J leave with a thanks for everything. Mom declares her to be the total package. Dad says she’s immature.
Score at halftime 7 from mom, 6 from dad, as she fumbled the extra point for being a rookie.
Next visitor to Indy is Tara. Wisely getting Nick out of the bar, they all meet at the Zoo. I don’t know why this amuses me so much, but it does. I must be bored. Jesse gives a lame - this games not over yet - statement. Tara is freaked that she’s so emotional about all of this. She didn’t have Mandy J’s pageant trainers obviously. Jesse and Tara banter back and forth about being apprehensive. Tara tells him to “follow his heart.” She has the same “ye olde cliché” book as Dad does. Jenny repeats the “If I could build a wife for Jesse it would be Tara,” but then says that Jessica will make him so happy.
Nick avoids any questions again, but as there is no beer, he turns his attention to the animals. Jenny and Tara have an “I like you. No, I like YOU better” conversation. Jenny seems more upset at having to dump one of these girls than Jesse does. Nick asks Tara if she would leave
daddy’sher business to come after Jesse, and about her engagement. Tara says her former fiancée was seeing other people during the engagement, and we’ve heard it worked both ways , but she doesn’t volunteer that tidbit. She tells Nick instead that she’s ready to get married. Nick doesn’t seem to be buying it. Jesse doesn’t even mention Nick and Jenny, as he then tells us his parents will help him decide. I think Nick and Jenny need some new friends, as I get the impression they’ve cleaned up a few Jesse messes before.
Finally Bill and Sue and the bros get to meet Tara. Instead of flowers, she’s brought wine . They get into the wine and also put Tara on the grill right away. Dad seems charmed by her contractor wiles, as she notes they ‘sort of’ are in the same business. I must have missed just what Dad was doing post football, but I remember I’m not asking any questions about how the heck they ended up in Indianapolis. Since Dad is so charmed by Tara, Mom is oddly hostile, going so far as to say to Jesse that Tara doesn’t seem to like boys in general. Huh? Maybe because Tara is more of a man than your wussy baby. Jesse tells them the story of Tara’s Dad coming after him with a gun, which gets a few chuckles from Bill, but Susan isn’t having any part of it. She adds she doesn’t see the same contact between them. On the other hand Bill raves about Tara. We then get a strange snippet of conversation about Tara having told Jesse she promises things will be so much better when the cameras are gone, but he notes it’s a leap of faith. I’m getting that sick Gwen Gioia kind of feeling where he is basing his choice on what’s not said. Tara herself thinks the visit has gone well, saying she loves his family and that she has the best feeling in the world .
Tara’s visit - score from Dad 7, but Mom has only allowed a 3 point field goal.
Home visits Jessica 13 - Tara 10 . Jesse 0 . What a simpleton this guy is .
And now, for something completely different – or really, really similar. Let’s find out!
After a couple of boring meet the folks dates, of course the next natural progression of things for this love triangle is to head to Tacori to pick out engagement rings. Gone are the days of Harry Winston. Apparently Tacori has stepped up its sponsorship and wants to sell a few $35,000 rings of its own.
Loitering on the sidewalk in front of Tacori is Jesse. From around the corner to meet him comes Tara with a big smile on her face. They greet with a kiss and I still wonder when these two fell for each other. I watched every episode and never remember the moment when they formed feelings for each other. Anyway… the couple walks into the store and directly to the back where the Tacori robot takes out a ring, hands it to Tara and says, “This is a solitaire.” Duh. The robot then proceeds to line up all the rings in a perfectly formed arc in front of Jesse and Tara and begins to point and eyeball the ring farthest to his right. The couple pick up his clue and take the ring out of its box. The robot says, “This is a ring made up of all diamonds. It has an eternity band. It has a total weight of 3 and a half carats.” Out of all the rings, this is obviously the most expensive so the guy is really pushing it. Maybe they are overstocked.
Tara sits in front of the rings shaking. She has a smile plastered on her face and you can tell she is trying to convince herself that two months and five dates is plenty of time to get to know someone, so sure – why shouldn’t she be looking at engagement rings already!?
Jesse sits to Tara’s left. All color has drained from his face and in front of him he can see his future with Tara: High Maintenance. Cold Fish. Never Wrong. He snaps out of it and says, “An eternity band. Wow. That’s symbolic.” Noooooooo, really Jesse? Since Jesse had an opinion about that ring, of course Tara chooses it. The Tacori robot grins, obviously pleased with himself. Tara and Jesse kiss goodbye and in the limo on the way back to her hotel, Tara tries to convince herself that she loves Jesse. “I am crazy about him. I am. Really. He should give me a ring and we will last forever. Because we’re uh… meant to uh…. be… uh… together.”
In a limo headed towards Tacori is the second stringer, Jessica. She says, “Going to look at rings is exciting, but at the same time it’s bittersweet. Jesse is doing the same thing with another woman.” Let me translate that for you: “Going to look at engagement rings is a dumbass move. It’s exciting to put a big $35,000 ring on my finger and pretend that Jesse isn’t sleeping with another woman.” The limo pulls up, out jumps Jessica and greets Jesse with a kiss. Together they head into Tacori and directly to the back where the Tacori robot takes out a ring, hands it to
TaraJessica and says, “This is a solitaire.” Duh. The robot then proceeds to line up all the rings in a perfectly formed arc in front of Jesse and TaraJessica and begins to point and eyeball the ring farthest to his right. The couple pick up his clue and take the ring out of its box. The robot says, “This is a ring made up of all diamonds. It has an eternity band. It has a total weight of 3 and a half carats.” Yes, you have read this somewhere before…about 2 paragraphs up, I believe. I figured I wouldn’t take the time to be creative in describing each of the women’s ring shopping experiences when the producers of the show didn’t take the time to make it different or interesting to watch. The shopping trips to Tacori were so similar that the women were absolutely interchangeable. Seriously, the three of them should have gone together and saved the Tacori robot the trouble of repeating itself. Jessica picks out the same ring as Tara. The Tacori robot grins, obviously pleased with himself.
After Jessica is sent back to her hotel, Jesse turns around and heads back into Tacori. They make it look like this did not happen until the next day, but you know that camera crew and all those production people are not heading back to the store the next day, so they change Jesse’s shirt and send him back in. The producer of the show cuts Tacori a $35,000 check and Jesse walks out with the ring, still not knowing which woman he wants to give it to. Meathead.
Later that evening, Tara knocks on Jesse’s door with cheesecake in hand. They greet each other formally with the show’s standard on-the-cheek-near-the-lips kiss. In the kitchen, Jesse grills up a couple of steaks, hands Tara a HUGE glass of red wine and claims to have cleaned and chopped all the veggies and salad makings himself. Yeah, whatever. They head to the table to eat and Tara tells Jesse she is falling for him. I still don’t buy it. After their less than interesting meal, they move to the fireplace where they eat cheesecake, strawberries and whipped cream while downing enough alcohol for four people. Tara has found the key to getting comfortable in front of the camera while kissing a man with whom she has no chemistry: Get drunk.
Jesse is really quiet while in front of the fireplace. Tara believes he is seriously thinking about their future. I think he is a meathead. “You’re really quiet tonight, Jesse” says Tara. “It’s sort of unsettling.” Instead of saying, “Well yeah. I’m completely uncomfortable being around you because we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about and the only reason you’re here is because Jenny liked you,” Jesse instead leans over and kisses her. Tara asks if the kissing will fix everything and Jesse nods, closes his eyes and pretends to like her.
Later the couple moves from the fireplace to the bed, where Jesse asks Tara about her previous engagement. She says it was a mistake. After he asked her to marry him, she thought about it for a full hour before she said yes. Pouring salt into the wound, Jesse says “I only intend to be engaged ONCE. It’s serious stuff. I mean, being engaged is like the step right before you get married. And when you marry someone, it’s like saying you want to be with that person forever.” Ugh. Please let this season end as I am sick of this meathead’s moronic monologues. The cold fish then leans over to Jesse and says loudly in his ear, “If you offer me a ring tomorrow, I would say yes. See, I’ve said yes in the past to a man I didn’t want to marry, so I could do the same for you.” This pleases meathead and the couple coldly kisses.
The next evening, Jessica knocks on the door holding some form of dessert. Jesse cooks. They eat. At the dinner table, Jesse says, “I don’t have any idea what I’m doing tomorrow. I don’t know who I’m going to pick.” Oh good move, dumbass. Why don’t you just give her a repeat of the “I love you, but I also love someone else” speech. Jessica looks offended and says, “I don’t think I like that.” Meathead says, “Ugh. We have on too many clothes. Let’s go to the hot tub.” In the hot tub, surrounded by several bottles of champagne, Jessica tells Jesse that she has completely fallen for him and that she wishes he could reciprocate his feelings – or at least give her a hint. She looks up at him all doe eyed and bats her eyelashes coyly. He lowers his gaze from her eyes to her breasts and says to them, “I’m sorry. I can’t.” Jessica is obviously hurt by this and Jesse gets off on that. He confesses that he is sorry that he can’t tell Jessica how he feels, but really, really likes that she is upset about it because it shows him how much she likes him. As long as that ego gets stroked, everything is juuuuuuuuust fine. After a few moments of Jessica pouting and Jesse gloating, he points over to an area to the right of the hot tub. Jessica says, “Is that where it’s going to happen? Is that where we will stand?” He tells her that the area is on a pedestal down the stairs. She gets a little giddy, the couple drinks, makes out a bit then and she heads back to the hotel.
The next morning, an already awake Jesse fakes a yawn for the camera and gets out of bed. Placed throughout his room are pictures of him and Tara and him and Jessica. Oddly, he stops to look at the pictures, pretending that he is thinking about something other than his morning wood and an egg mcmuffin. It’s 10:25am and Jessica is still in bed. She stares at the clock and tries to decide how she is going to wear her hair. In Tara’s room, she is up, brushing her teeth and preparing for her morning workout. Throughout all of these hours of images throughout this long day are voiceovers of Jesse saying, “I think I know who I am going to pick.” Jessica’s voiceovers say “But there’s another woman. Another woman. ANOTHER WOMAN.” Tara’s say, “I’m not feeling well. Can I have a moment? I’m sorry. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go.” Suck it up, baby. You’re going.
Night has come and in the deliberation room, Jesse picks up and ponders over each of the women’s pictures. He looks at the ring and says, “It is soooo obvious who I want to be with. But about this ring thing… I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it. I remember BachelorBob did the right hand ring thing, and you see how well that went, so that’s out.”
Jessica and Tara are both led to their respective limos. I like Tara’s white dress better than Jessica’s blush one, but I have to say, Tara gets into the limo like a man in pants – she just spreads those legs and plops in without a hint of grace. Granted, her plop into the backseat is soon followed by hyperventilating, hysteria and vomiting. It’s GREAT! I’ve haven’t liked this girl since the show began, so it is just good TV to watch her turn a pale shade of green. Her entire limo ride is filled with her holding back tears, putting her head between her knees and saying, “I’m sorry” over and over. Awesome.
The first limousine pulls up to the mansion. HostChris walks up to the door, opens it and OUT STEPS JESSICA!!! I am yelling at the television! I cannot BELIEVE meathead chose that cold fish over Jessica! She has a sweet smile on her face and her attempt at curling her hair has gone terribly wrong, but I feel bad for her all the same. Chris walks her up the front steps and down by the pool to Jesse. Jesse takes Jessica’s hands in his and says, “I think you’re really hot. You’ve really fed my ego great over the past two months. That was cool and made me happy.” Jessica starts nodding furiously, trying to get Jesse to get to the good part. He continues, “I think you’re great. BUT… ” Here it comes. He said “BUT.” “…I don’t want to wake up tomorrow without you beside me!” HUH??! Not only has Jesse just announced to millions of viewers and Jessica’s parents that they will be getting busy later that night, but also ABC actually changed it up a bit and made the first girl out of the limo the winner!!! Granted, I bet there was not that much forethought on ABC’s part. I bet I am giving undue credit. Most likely, Tara was supposed to arrive first, but all that stopping on the side of the road to puke made her arrival a bit later than anticipated.
Jessica and Jesse continue to kiss and out of his pocket Jesse takes what looks like what waiters put the dinner bill in and says, “I’m not ready to ask you to marry me, but this is a one way ticket to New York. I want you to follow your dreams… I just want you to do it with me.” She grabs the restaurant bill and kisses Jesse. From the sidelines, Chris is waving feverishly. Jesse pushes Jessica back and says, “Uh honey? You need to go upstairs. I still have to give Tara the boot.” Jessica says, “WHAT??!” as she clearly knows that the first girl out of the limo is supposed to be the loser. She reluctantly goes up the stairs but perches herself in a window overlooking the spot where Jesse will talk to Tara.
Back at the limo, Tara is whining, “I don’t want to get out of this car. I’m sorry. I’m going to be sick. I’m sorry.” She runs to the wall and pukes. Awesome. Chris finally is able to get to Tara. He hands her a tic tac and takes her by the arm. She says she’s sorry a few dozen more times and asks for many moments to regain her composure. Finally, she has re-established her cold fish demeanor and walks over to Jesse where she tells him to shut up while she dominates the conversation. She takes his hands and says, “I want to be with you. I’ve fallen in love with you. I’m sorry Jessica is going to be hurt.” All the while Jesse is trying to interrupt her with a teeny bit of information she might like to know before continuing. She continues to drone on about how great it is going to be to get engaged to the man of her dreams and she would say yes to his proposal whether today, tomorrow or ten years from now. Uh Tara? Hold that thought. Jesse finally says, “Wow. That’s the first time I’ve seen that side of you. Had you shown it to me a little sooner I might not be telling you that I’m in love with Jessica.”
Tara’s face instantly changes from feigned love to real anger. She says, “Oh really? Well, let me tell you something, you blockhead. You were completely inappropriate with me on our last date if you were going to choose another woman over me.” He says he is sorry she feels this way. I’m thinking with a cold fish like Tara, the most inappropriate thing he might have done is kiss her with tongue. Whatever Tara. Get off my TV.
Jesse leads Tara to the limo where she says “See ya” and slams the door. Jessica runs out of the house and jumps in Jesse’s arms. He hands her the final rose and they live happily ever after… just like all the other bachelor couples before them.
You wanna talk to me? Write me at email@example.com. If you’re looking for eny, she’s at firstname.lastname@example.org.