Usually when I have to watch the Women/Men tell all shows, I need some serious caffeine as the shows have the identical effect of being made to count sheep. If I had taped them end to end, I’d have a cure for insomnia . Dead boring, but suddenly 7 seasons in, we have a live one. The first thing I notice is that Chris introduces himself . Ok this many seasons in and then you intro yourself ? It’s like the joke that your dumb brother-in-law finally gets 20 minutes after you tell it, and starts laughing hysterically. Huh?
We are intro’d to 19 bachelorettes on the stage . Let’s see 19+3 finalists = 22 + the spy =23.
Chris brings Trish onstage first = 24. Jessica H has definitely disappeared to land of ABC litigation. Either that or they thought the spectre of a former contestant sitting onstage with her mouth duct taped shut might be upsetting to sensitive viewers.
As I said , Chris brings out Trish first. She has departed from her usual streetwalker wardrobe , and dressed herself in a couch cover from the 60's. We get a glimpse of more of her limo ride rant , as she pronounces that “It doesn’t take much to make her happy” , and that she notices “The small minor things” others miss. The bull*** meter goes ding- ding-ding, as we all conclude that at that time Trish finally realized she was ON TV, and was trying to make some kind of pitch to ever go out in public again. We then hear the familiar megalomanic whine of how everyone saw her as the competition from day one, and decided the only thing important was to “beat her down”. Jesse couldn’t possibly have have cut her on his own , it was all those beotches fault. She ends her denialrant by saying she never trash talked anyone , as she always takes the “high road”.
Chris can’t take it any more, and interrupts with a “what would you like to explain”? She gushes she really does “like children” and the women break out in gales of laughter and interject - Ya if they aren’t messy ,smelly or dirty - right Trish? Trish first adopts the deer in the headlights look she wears for the rest of the show. It’s obvious she should have sought out JesseH , kicked back with a couple of brewskys and not bothered to show up . It’s going to be a long night of Trashing the Trish.
Chris asks why she doesn’t have any female friends . Duh Chris ,she replies . Beotches are always jealous of me , it’s my burden in life. She then tells how she could marry a rich old Florida geezer anytime so she’s obviously not a gold-digger . Even though she does have the T-shirt. Her reasoning is that the other bachelorette beotches just don’t get the joke. Um I don’t get it either , but whatever. Trish tells everyone that the others in the house are simply young, and that by the time they are her advanced age (28) , that they will have put in their skank time. Her house mates disagree, and chime in how most people don’t put in that much serious sleaze in their entire lifetimes. We get the “deer face” to that answer. This chick has no clue whatsoever.
Jean Marie , the girl with the manvoice , pipes in how Trish should be who she is and not cave. This wakes Trish out of her trance, and she blinks and sputters out of context that maybe gold-digger is a little harsh . Great, she can’t even remember conversations 10 minutes ago now. The meds must be kicking in. Suzie finally says what we’ve all been thinking - Don’t blame everything on everyone else , you are the reason you are where you are. She then says they didn’t throw her in front of the bus, she stepped in front herself with her own big mouth. I’m glad Bachelorette house wasn’t on a bus route. Looks like the girls were doing some planning.
Chris breaks in at this point . He’s uneasy, as he’s never had to actually do anything at a reunion show before. After the break, we get Karens re-enactment of a Trish date complete with the tongue stuck in the ear. Hysterical , this girl should do improv. They all discuss Trish’s shiny white arse in the thong , and ponder the JessB question “why DO you need your butt cheeks tanned for a date?”. Karen , Celeste and shalalala deShaun , pile on more opinions. The meds are working well ,as Trish suddenly declares it’s” part of who WE are”. Uh we the people, or we the sleazebags? Suzie mouths off some more about Trish’s two faced ways, and how she just goes whining to Jesse about all the beotches tormenting her.
Chris makes Trish face up to her “High Road” lie by replaying her blithering idiot speech about Suzie. Trish mumbles something about all the Giants "black tie" affairs she will be forced to attend .Poor Suzie just doesn’t measure up since she likes keggers so much. I’m even at a loss for this disjointed outburst, and I think everyone agrees with Suzie’s final “who’s the blithering idiot now” comment . Fun fun fun , has anyone even remembered the Bachelor? Usually these shows are all about everyone fawning over the main character , but I’m wondering if Chris or even the women remember who the Bachelor du Jour is.
Whew , Chris takes a break to steady his nerves, then pulls Jenny the spy onstage. Someone must have told her they’d be filming from the waist up , as she wears a party halter , and her grungiest jeans. Another -bad clothes happen to good people - moment at the Bachelor. They give a replay of Jenny’s now obvious lies to the others. They show previously unbroadcast moments of her freaking out to producers and on the phone to hubby. She says her main concern was to not hurt anyone . Well maybe Trish. When Chris questions her on just how she does feel about the Trish question, she gives a statement similar to the ones scripted by the whitehouse staff familiar with explaining the whereabouts of Dick Cheney for the past 2 years. Bull explaining nothing. Jenny really does take the “high road” , as it would have been easy to just tell the truth . ( She is a two-faced low class skank , and she could really care who ends up with Jesse as long as it’s not Trish). She says she only lied about being married and knowing Jesse, but everything else was her . This upsets Jean Marie , who has apparently been designated by the others to complain about everything . She jabbers on about Jenny’s hidden agenda. Duh - Jean -Marie just what did you think my agenda was ? she asks her. Man voice carries on about sneaking around and reporting back to Jesse. Apparently the word spy really is lost on her. Chris replays Jennys reports to Jesse. I don’t see anything on JM, so I haven’t a clue what her problem was. The funniest report was on Julie , that her 24/7 manic cheerleader routine would make Jesse insane. Julie was bubbly and said - hey don’t worry, be happy . She did look slightly nauseated, probably because she was suppressing a cheer. Trish wakes up and whines to Jenny about getting her ho stories mixed up in her Jesse reports. Jenny shrugs .
While Jenny is still onstage , Chris intro’s Jesse. The girls have a confused look til they remember he is supposedly the reason they were there. They were having just wayyy too much fun tearing apart Trish and Jenny. Jesse gives them all a lecture for being so mean to Jenny. Jenny waves and bolts , leaving Jesse for his turn at the firing squad. Suzie calls him out about the date where he made out with her , Karen and Trish in the space of about an hour. She asks why he then had the nerve to give only Trish a rose, because you knew she was a slut . He looks like he badly wants to tell Suzie to shut up, but turns his attention to Karen and apologises for not having more time together. He then says he wanted to make up his own mind about Trish even though everyone within a ten mile radius had tried to clue him in to what a tramp she was.
Other Mandy speaks and reminds him of his own sleazy stranger in the bed confession. Hey it’s NYC , and I was out with the guys explains Jesse. He then tells them they have to accept his negatives. This sends Julie the cheerleader into fits, and she asks how he could have dumped the “good girls” and kept Trish. Jesse looks at her and says you did listen to what I just said right? At the mention of her name again Trish wakes up and says yeah it’s all about fit. Jesse rolls his eyes and says this whole thing has an unbelievable ending. I know at that point that Trish gets shut down when she returns as the “stalker” because he can’t even look at her. Besides , he says unbelievable not just plain stupid.
Chris has been listening to the NFL draft and chuckles “good luck with your day job”, and then tells us to tune in next hour for the most awaited episode ever. Nope Chris, I think this was the best episode ever.
Bribes and Football tickets to firstname.lastname@example.org