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Thread: The Bachelor 5/12 Episode - Psycho, Thy Name Is Trish

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    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    The Bachelor 5/12 Episode - Psycho, Thy Name Is Trish

    Previously on The Bachelor, Jessica’s mom threatened castration to Jesse if her daughter dropped out of law school, Tara’s dad reinforced the stereotype of people from Oklahoma, Mandy and her family force fed Jesse the virtues of pageantry, and Trish found herself kicked to the curb. This week, will we find out if Tara is the cold fish we believe her to be? Will Jessica realize that Jesse is a meathead and head back to law school? Does Mandy win the swimsuit or talent portion of the competition? And just how far is Trish willing to go? Let’s find out! Off we go!

    O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command.

    What the hell does that mean?

    Anyway, the streets of Quebec City, Canada are covered with snow. It is a gray day and very cold. Jesse hops in a horse drawn carriage, greets the driver in French and heads downtown to pick up Tara. She is bundled up with a fur hat on, looking every bit the snow bunny. Jesse leans in to greet her with a kiss, but gets the side smooch with partial lip instead. The temperature in icy Quebec City just dropped several degrees. Despite his cold initial kiss, Jesse cuddles up to Tara and says, “Isn’t this romantic?”

    The carriage drops Tara and Jesse off at an outdoor ice rink. Tara, feeling sure that a Canada boy like Jesse is an accomplished ice skater (because we all know that everyone in Canada is just a spin away from Olympic gold in hockey or ice skating), asks Jesse not to laugh when she falls down. Jesse retorts, “No, don’t laugh at me when I fall down!” They both step on the ice and start walking with those awkward, off balance baby steps instead of smoothly gliding along. Several steps and many near falls later, the pair walk up to an ice castle set up on the side of the rink. They sit down by a fire (yes, I said there was a fire in the ice castle) and sip champagne. This time Tara cuddles up to Jesse and says, “Isn’t this romantic?” It sounds like these two are really striving to convince themselves of some sort of “chemistry” or “connection” that simply doesn’t appear to exist.

    Later that evening, Jesse meets Tara coming down the stairs at their hotel. She is wearing a long black dress with a fur stole. First a fur hat, now a fur stole... PETA members everywhere opened their laptops and whipped out a letter to ABC. Let me add insult to injury – maybe her dad shot the animals with all his guns and had the furs made for her. Just wanted to add anti-NRA members to the mix.

    The couple exchanges the obligatory, “You look great” and they head to dinner. During their meal, Jesse abruptly says, “I just want to let you know where I am on things. I’m really crazy about you. I miss you when you’re not around. I’m really falling for you.” Tara coos “Ooh! Me too!” This is not the response Jesse wanted, but when he leans in for the kiss, she actually smooches him back. Out of his pocket, Jesse brings out the “DoMeBaby” card and hands it to Tara. She reads, “Wanna come back to my place and get busy or are you such a cold fish that you would rather just hang out alone in your individual room?” Tara looks at Jesse and says, “Probably not.” Followed quickly by “Of course let’s take the fantasy suite! The more time I get to spend with you alone, the better!” Huh? Where did that come from? When did this happen? I think I completely missed the part where Tara and Jesse fell for each other because what I have been watching looked more like 2 first cousins meeting for a meal after not seeing each other for the last 15 years.

    Tara and Jesse head back to their candlelit, rose strewn, strawberries and champagne fantasy suite where Jesse lays it out there, “Tara, you have to tell me how you feel about me. I am a needy man and have to have my ego stroked every chance I get. I’m going into groupie withdrawal, so you’ve got to help me out here.” Tara says, “Can you not tell how I feel?” Jesse drops his head and whispers, “Nope.” Tara says, “Well, then I’ll start to tell you. That’s what I’ll do! I’ll tell you how I feel.” However, she never actually says how she feels. Jesse says, “Ok. Do that now.” Tara says she’s falling for him, they run into the bedroom and a creepy camera that is probably hidden in some vase or lamp shows them from the neck down unzipping a dress, taking off a tie, but the bed is never touched. Cold fish, I tell you!

    The next date looks much warmer all the way around. Jesse is standing on a beach in the Bahamas wearing orange and khaki swim shorts and a navy blue button down. I guess the stylists didn’t get to make the trip. In the water lands a small plane carrying Jessica. She hops out as soon as it hits the dock and greets Jesse with hugs and kisses. Yes, it’s much warmer here.

    The day is spent with Jesse and Jessica playing in the surf, kissing in the water, touching, hugging, laughing. While lounging in the sand, Jessica admits that she sent off for applications to law schools up north. Jesse is blown away and asks her where she found the time. Jessica says, “Well, while you’re out parading around on all these fantasy dates, I’m just sitting back in LA bored outta my mind. So I did it then.”

    After a few hours of beach scene, the couple splits then meet up for dinner. Jessica looks very tropical in her white pants, scarf shirt and a flower behind her ear. Obligatory “You look great” and it’s off to their seaside table for dinner. The view is amazing, the conversation seems to be light and easy, the food is great. With everything going so well, it’s time for meathead to open his mouth and jack things up. After Jessica has proclaimed that she is falling for him, he says, “I’m going to be perfectly honest with you…” Uh oh. That’s never good. “… I’m falling in love with you.” Oh wait! That wasn’t so bad after all! “BUT – I’m also falling in love with someone else.” Oh good plan, dumbass. Tell her that right before you ask her to spend the night with you. Well done. Seriously, I’m shocked no one has snatched you up before! You are truly a prize.

    Jessica’s eyes well up with tears and meathead says, “Oh, I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.” (Seriously… quite a catch, this one.) Jessica somehow manages to convince herself that she does not care that Jesse is falling for two women. She says, “I’m in paradise. I’m having a great time. I’m not going to let this spoil anything for me.” Impressive. I guess they edited out the part where you throw your mai tai on him and punch him in his big ole’ blockhead. Jesse feels like this is the perfect opportunity to hand her the “GonnaGetMeSome” card. Jessica opens it, reads it and they head back together to share the fantasy suite. Candles, strewn rose petals, strawberries, pineapple, champagne. Been here, done that.

    Jesse and Jessica hop right in bed together (fully dressed, mind you) and the cameraman is pleased with his perfect placement of the creepy camera in the coconut on the dresser. They do a lot of kissing and snuggling and Jesse thinks, “What other woman?”

    The third date with Mandy is in the fantasy location of Washington, DC. Oh yes, when I think of fantasy locations for the perfect date, I, too, think of Tahiti, Italy, France, and of course, Washington, DC. Mandy and Jesse meet on a park bench by the Washington Monument and head for the presidential yacht. This is the SECOND water date for Mandy – even though she has made it clear that she doesn’t like the water.

    The conversation on the boat goes something like this:

    J: How ya’ been?
    M: Good. You?
    J: Good. Isn’t this amazing?
    M: Yes. Do you think it might rain?
    J: Doesn’t look like rain. Maybe I’ll go ask the captain.
    M: Yes, why don’t you do that. Maybe I’ll take more valium so I can be a bit more mellow when you come back.
    J: Good plan. This is amazing.

    The boat ride thankfully ends and the couple heads back to the hotel to get ready for their amazing dinner. Mandy walks up to greet Jesse wearing what I feel sure is the same dress Tara wore on her dinner date a couple of days ago. Granted, Miss Politically Correct Pageant Princess skips the fur and goes for the silk stole instead. PETA is pleased. I see nude promo shots for PETA in Mandy’s future.

    Jesse has been dreading this dinner meal, knowing he has to try and talk to Mandy for a few more hours. He has already made the decision to skip giving Mandy the fantasy suite card.

    The conversation at dinner goes something like this:

    J: How ya’ been?
    M: Good. You?
    J: Good. Isn’t this amazing?
    M: Yes. Do you think the food will be good?
    J: I’m sure it will be amazing. Maybe I’ll go ask the chef.
    M: Yes, why don’t you do that. Maybe I’ll take more valium so I can be a bit more mellow when you come back.
    J: Good plan. This is amazing.

    However, before Jesse can get up and before Mandy can call her doctor to refill her prescription, at the door we see the silhouette of a woman. And it is a silhouette that Jesse recognizes straight away.

    See, here’s the thing. Remember Trish? You know, she was the abrasive gold digging, married man and lesbian sleeping with tart that all the women hated at the house? Oh good. Well, although Jesse did not offer Trish a rose at the last ceremony, she has decided that he made an awful mistake, which he surely regrets, so she has flown out to Washington, DC, romance capital of the world, and checked herself into the same hotel as Jesse and Mandy! Now, I’m sure ABC did not set this up. I mean, didn’t we all know exactly when and where these fantasy dates were taking place? And can’t we all afford to just upend our lives and follow around the football player until he realizes that he at least needs to taste the goods before throwing them out? Back to the silhouette…

    So, standing at the door is the silhouette of this long legged lady. She opens the door and steps into the room where Mandy and Jesse have been enjoying their amazing food and amazing conversation. Jesse looks shocked according to Mandy, though I don’t see it. I wonder how many times they had to film this scene in order to get all the right camera angles to almost see up the slit in the middle of Trish’s dress.

    Trish walks up to the table and says to Jesse, “Excuse me, can I borrow you for a minute?” Jesse jumps on the opportunity to get away from Mandy and actually have a conversation. He can barely contain his glee! As he runs towards the door with Trish, he turns back and yells over his shoulder, “Is this okay with you, Mandy?” Yeah, whatever. She’s been bored, too, meathead.

    In an ugly kitchen area, Trish takes Jesse and says, “I don’t think we were finished.” Jesse looks at her and tells her that he doesn’t look back - just ahead. Trish dismisses this useless information that ABC producers fed to him, raises her eyebrows waaaaaay up on her forehead and says, “Uh… Jesse. You can’t possibly believe you have a future with these girls, can you? I mean, Jessica is TWENTY ONE. She has no clue who she is. Tara is a spoiled brat who spits venom when you’re not around - and Mandy? Well, Mandy’s very sweet. Maybe she’ll find her a nice man some day and they can raise a bunch of Little Miss Texas’s.”

    Jesse says, “Trish, we undeniably are hot together. Seriously hot. I mean, I SO want you right now. But… I am obligated to go back in that room and suffer through this meal with Mandy.” Trish then takes her room key out of her bra and says, “You spent the day with Mandy, now spend the night with me.” Jesse looks at the card and tries to figure out a way to make that happen. He says goodbye to Trish with an added, “We don’t have a future together.”

    Back in her room, Trish sits in a chair by the bed, sips a glass of red wine and waits….

    Jesse rejoins Mandy at the table. She is all smiles, not letting Trish’s interruption get to her. In fact, Mandy is actually thankful for Trish’s appearance at dinner because she and Jesse finally have something to discuss. All worked up from his close encounter with Trish, Jesse decides that he is definitely asking Mandy up to his room. I mean, a warm body is better than nobody, right? He hands her the “YouWantAPieceOfThis” card and she says, “Well, that’s nice.” She then adds, “I want you to ask me if you want me to spend the night with you.” All hot and bothered, Jesse says a bit too loudly, “ I would LOVE for you to spend the night with me.” So they’re off.

    The fantasy suite is actually the nicest of the three. Still candlelit, rose strewn and alcohol filled, but it’s just much prettier, more romantic and nicer than the others. In the bathroom is a huge Jacuzzi tub filled with bubbles. It sits in front of a big round window that looks out onto the Washington Monument. It really is amazing. They kiss, they drink. That’s all we get to see. No creepy camera this time.

    In her room, directly below Mandy’s and Jesse’s fantasy suite, sits a broken Trish. Apparently, this is the first time that she did not get what she wants. Granted, her tears and broken heart make for entertaining TV, no matter how contrived the scene was.

    All back together at the bachelor pad(sans Trish), the women are not allowed to talk. Jesse is in the deliberation room and for the first time all season we get to see the Beggin Ho’s Videos. After a lot of “Pick Me! Pick Me!” Jesse heads downstairs and easily chooses Tara and Jessica.

    Jesse walks a sad but smiling Mandy out to the limo and she rides away telling the camera, “I’ll find love. Someday. Somehow. Somewhere.” Yes, Mandy – out there somewhere is someone looking for a room he can fill with pageant trophies and memorabilia. There you will find your man.

    Tune in next week when the two blondes meet Jesse’s parents and the bachelor decides which woman he wants to do more.

    Feel free to email me with questions, comments and trash talk about the show at sher@fansofrealitytv.com.
    Last edited by sher; 05-13-2004 at 03:05 PM.

  2. #2
    Janelle & Kaysar ROCK! CouchPotato's Avatar
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    That was hilarious! You really made my day! Thanks for the great recap - it was definitely better than the actual show.

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    FORT Fan Trainwreck's Avatar
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    Great job! Once again the recap is much more entertaining than the show itself.
    Bring it!

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    Thanks!

    As always, your recaps are more fun than the actual show!

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    Premium Member Pansygirl's Avatar
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    Thank you, great job!
    Smile it makes people wonder what you are up to.

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    FORT Junkie gardenia36's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    Tara and Jesse head back to their candlelit, rose strewn, strawberries and champagne fantasy suite where Jesse lays it out there, “Tara, you have to tell me how you feel about me. I am a needy man and have to have my ego stroked every chance I get. I’m going into groupie withdrawal, so you’ve got to help me out here.” Tara says, “Can you not tell how I feel?” Jesse drops his head and whispers, “Nope.” Tara says, “Well, then I’ll start to tell you. That’s what I’ll do! I’ll tell you how I feel.” However, she never actually says how she feels. Jesse says, “Ok. Do that now.”
    Hysterical recap. This is just what I was thinking too. Is this guy too thick-skulled to pick up on non-verbal clues? Not that Tara was sending him any, but still... does the guy possess no intuition at all? He seems to need constant reinforcement. He and Trish really would make a good pair, being that they're both as insecure as they are.

    Oh and Mandy J. did seem bored! She really seemed OK when she didn't get the rose and I don't think it's because she was just holding herself together. She must have already known on some level at that point that she was not into the dullard.

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    FORT Addict IMAddicted's Avatar
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    J: How ya’ been?
    M: Good. You?
    J: Good. Isn’t this amazing?
    M: Yes. Do you think it might rain?
    J: Doesn’t look like rain. Maybe I’ll go ask the captain.
    M: Yes, why don’t you do that. Maybe I’ll take more valium so I can be a bit more mellow when you come back.
    J: Good plan. This is amazing.


    How painful was that!

    Although why why why did they keep making this poor girl go on boats????

  8. #8
    Mixing Old Fashioneds PhoneGrrrl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    Jesse looks shocked according to Mandy, though I don’t see it. I wonder how many times they had to film this scene in order to get all the right camera angles to almost see up the slit in the middle of Trish’s dress.
    When Trish came in to the banquet room, it was so set up! It looked to me like they must have shot it several times and just had to go with the best one--where Mandy and Jesse weren't laughing too much. Looked like a SNL skit gone bad to me.

  9. #9
    FORT Fan CalGirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sher
    All worked up from his close encounter with Trish, Jesse decides that he is definitely asking Mandy up to his room. I mean, a warm body is better than nobody, right?
    Great post!! This bit was so WRONG. First he says he's not attracted to Mandy (because she doesn't like his whistling?), then he has some wine, gets a whiff of the trash, and wants some Makeout Mandy. It just gave me the willies that she was being so used.

  10. #10
    Crystal Allen
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    Mandy

    Also, it was totally hysterical how Mandy has told us she is afraid of water, yet all her dates take place on boats. Poor thing. And why does she always have to refer to pageants? She's mentioned pageants like other girls have mentioned connections and journeys. Is it just me or did Tara's date last week 'crash and burn'? Can't they come up with original verbiage for 'date is sucking.'

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