Last week on the Bachelor
-Since Jesse can’t seem to stand up to Trish , Tara does
-Chris puts his job on the line by forgetting to announce the last Rose
Well it’s 'meet my folks' week for our bachelor but sans lie detector. First up is Jessica in So Cal and predictably since it is California, they meet on the beach. Jessica immediately apologizes for it being overcast. Yeah and you thought Trish was a control freak. Jesse gets bonus points for bringing Jessica’s dog a toy. Unlike that other wacky chick from Average Joe though, Jessica’s dog is just a dog and doesn’t require a trip to Rodeo Drive for beach wear . This is a good sign. They discuss the fact that they are both serious for the future and exclaim how much they’ve missed each other.
We meet Mom Mary-Lynn, brothers Kyle and Tyler and Dad Dan. Jessica is worried they may be overprotective.
Understatement Jess ..
Mom starts into the “what about law school” lecture when Jessica walks in the door. Jess blows her off by saying she’s quit and going to start at the dance club next week. Mom doesn’t think this is funny at all , but I’m laughing my head off. Chalk up one for Jessica. They start chatting and mom drops the L bomb again . So are you changing law schools ? Between gritted teeth Jessica says maybe. Mom and Dad exchange comments about her taking time off from law school to do “this thing” . Yes Mom & Dad , I think Jesse gets the fact that Jessica is in law school and that you are an unwelcome distraction . So much for the power draw of the NFL. In lieu of his usual 4 page questionnaire, Dan hands Jesse a piece of paper that asks if he will respect his daughter and don’t just say it , do it. Jesse takes the paper like it's a citation for failing to stoop and scoop.
Mom tells us “no ring” till law school is over and again grills her about the transfer. Jessica rolls her eyes and threatens to run off and never speak to her again. I’m convinced that the much mentioned law school is mom’s idea, not Jessica’s . I wouldn’t doubt that Mary-Lynn herself is an attorney used to wearing down a defendant, but before he leaves she almost smiles. I think Jesse may have won over the jury, but has gotten himself a preview of a mother-in-law from hell.
Next up, Jesse walks into the middle of Mandy Jaye’s parents very bitter divorce. Her Dad has opted out of pretending to like being even in the same TOWN as her mother, for the sake of a cheesy TV show. Yup this is really reality TV as we observe Mandy Jaye tearfully talking on the phone with her dad , who has refused to come. Mandy grabs herself a glass of champagne and shakily explains to Jesse about her hostile parent situation. Weirdly Jesse thinks this is positive as it has finally cracked MJ’s pageant persona. She ends the talk by saying she doesn’t ever want to get divorced. This cheers Jesse up even more.
They take the family golf cart up to meet mom Julie , step dad Danny and brother Brian. Mandy immediately shows him the most horrible aspect of her past . The family pageant shrine . Oh the horrors, as Jesse lives through the fact that Mandy’s family has apparently pushed this pageant stuff on Mandy as hard as Jessica’s parents pushed the law school stuff. I’m expecting a break in all this pageant talk when Danny takes Jesse out supposedly to see the motorcycles. Nope - I think I saw one in the corner of the garage as Danny just rants about none of the pageant judges knowing anything, and wanting to jerk them by the scuff of the neck for not makin her Miss Texas. Jesse has a look on his face like he’s stepped into some kind of alternate pageant hell dimension.
Meanwhile inside, Mom exclaims Jesse and her will make some “good lookin” kids. She then says it’s a good thing he has a good job he likes , and that Mandy’s pageant days are excellent training to be an NFL wife. What the? I think Julie, who is in her own little world, would justify the pageant grind to be excellent training for anything. No wonder Jesse’s real Dad is scared to be in the same town with these people. It’s Stepford all over . A bewildered Jesse declares he still knows nothing about Mandy
We next visit Tara’s Oklahoma farm. She warns Jesse that dad is an “outgoing guy” who will probably give Jesse a “hard time”. She also warns he will search out any bad stuff about him on the internet. Jesse is relieved, as he reasons the internet probably only holds bad football stats, his gator awards, and no incarcerations or outstanding warrants.
Tara’s dad drives up and swings out of the truck, rifle in hand. Oh we can relax, as it’s apparently only Tara’s gun. He takes out a whole assortment of ammo and makes Tara do some target practice, as he has apparently done many times before. She’s a crack shot , and Jesse looks on with a mixture of panic and lust as he declares her to be like “Charlies Angels”. Jesse’s lecherous dream is broken by daddy breaking out the M16 and shooting off a spray of bullets while laughing manically. I’m hoping Jesse had the foresight to wear some Depends , as Daddy isn’t going to let up till Jesse has the crap scared out of him.
Football hero gets shot down in house number two. This time almost literally. Jesse redeems himself a bit by shooting a target successfully. I have no doubt if he had missed, that daddy would have pulled the old wanna see Canuck boy dance bit by shooting another round of M16 fire at his feet. They finish off this warm fuzzy visit with Papa declaring love is something just "made up for the movies" , and that all guys are "dirtbags". This leads me to the question - where is the Mrs anyway? Either she’s in a freezer somewhere, or Papa doesn’t let her out of the house much. I’m sure Jesse doesn’t want to ask either Tara or crazy Craig. I think this takes the prize for the most dramatic family visit ever.
Last up is a visit to what I’m expecting to be Trish’s trailer park. I’m convinced of that when she meets Jesse at a fancy hotel before dinner. I thought she’s going to pre warn him , something about humble beginnings and such. Instead Jesse really confronts Trish this time. Why do all the women hate your guts Trish ? Trish replies warily she has no idea. Jesse says he doesn’t like to “be played” . Trish reacts to this by storming out of the room. Gigs up chica , and it ain’t pretty. Trish composes herself by deep breathing and/or snorting crack - I’m not sure. She returns to Jesse who tells her lamely - yeah it doesn’t matter if everyone else hates my wifes guts , as long as she loves me. Trish whines about never being able to redeem herself, but we all know the gig is up.
To say that I’m shocked that they pull up to a lovely home in a nice neighbourhood is an understatement. I’m even more puzzled to meet Mother Barbara and Dad Tom , who seem too delightful to have bred a hell spawn. We also meet sister Susan who seems like blondeTrish.. Tom gushes he knew within a week that he was going to marry Barbara. What the hell is going on here? Has Trish drugged these charming people and rented this house for show?
Finally this mystery is solved when Trish tells us she keeps “quite a bit” from her parents. She tells us that Susan is her partner in crime , and is the only one who knows the “real” skanky gold digging ho Trish. Oh my. I have thoughts of these good people need the smelling salts when this show airs. Poor blondeTrish arches her eyebrows in the identical way to realTrish while listening to description of poor sissy having to spend weeks in hell with a bunch of jealous bitches. The whole world has always been “just jealous” of Trish for “about ten years”. It’s apparently her burden that upon meeting her, every woman becomes a bitch and is automatically jealous. Forgive me if I don’t wipe a tear away. I revise Trish’s mental health heath condition to “megalomanic” .Her sister the enabler , and her parents totally clueless to Trishworld. Jesse declares he sees a sweet side to Trish by naively assuming her parents know what Trish is up to, or even who she is.
Back at the Bach house, each declares how much they missed Jesse when they arrive for the Rose ceremony. They all make a last ditch effort to stay, even Trash as she declares she “adores him”. Jesse chuckles and grabs the last bit of spit before it’s off to the ceremony. Jesse & Trish walk back in to see the other three giggling and laughing . They shut up as soon as Trash hits the room and they all eye dagger her. Jesse lamely says he always feels like he’s in the middle of a joke. Tara tells him he is , and then gives Trash an obvious stare.
We have dispensed this season with the Chris talks , the bachelorette shrine and even the begging vids. I feel a wistful pang of nostalgia, as more time seems to have been dumped from the show for Trash talk.
At the ceremony Jessica, Tara and a semi hysterical Mandy were given the Roses. This week at least Chris remembered to give the last rose warning. Phew , I thought they were starting to write him out altogether. Much as Chris has played perfect non moving, non emoting host, I’d miss him.
Trish has no reaction except for slightly queasy look . I think she’s done some pharmaceuticals /and or few rounds of tequila pre ceremony. Jesse escorts her out the door while the other three high five each other and declare No ho’s for our Jesse..Outside, Jesse gives her the old “it’s not you it’s me” speech while Trash reciprocates with a “hope you are happy” spat through gritted teeth.
Jesse returns to the Barbie triplets, and smiles as he doles out the champagne . Ah yes life is good. I’m sure I hear the old bow-chica-bow-bow soundtrack wind up in the background.
Meanwhile in the limo, Trash is upset at hearing the soundtrack wind up . She wails it’s unfair and declares this “sucks”. The soundtrack and her own words inspire her to cook up a plan not to miss out on the action. Most of all Trish is upset she didn’t get to play sack the quarterback, or is that play in the sack with the quarterback?
Tune in next week to see
-the producers indulge Trash’s megalomania and stalker dreams
-Jesse wish he were on a date with grrrl with a gun Tara instead of Mandy, as he searches madly for a bodyguard
Threats and cash bribes to email@example.com .If it’s threats, just remember I’m pretty good crack shot myself