Last week on the Bachelor Trish furthers her endeavor to become the most despised bachelorette ever, Jesse is a meathead who disregards his best friend’s pleas to dump Trish and almost every girl in the house gets liplocked with the bachelor. Tonight we will find out the answers to: Can Trish possibly make the women hate her more? Will Jenny be forgiven for giving up the goods to Jesse? and Can Jesse break the record for making out with more bachelorettes than in any other season?! Off we go!
It is morning in the women’s mansion. All the freshly scrubbed bachelorettes head into the living room for an early meeting with Chris. He tells the ladies that three of them will be receiving one on one dates with Jesse, while the remaining three will be going on the kissofdeath final group date. “Do you want to know who will be deciding which of you gets the solo dates?” “Yes!” say the women in unison. Chris tells them that Jesse’s best friend will be coming to the house and will the one to decide. All the women laugh. I don’t know why.
Out in the driveway, Jenny sits in the limo. She is fighting back tears, repeating to the camera like a crazy person, “I don’t know if they’ll forgive me. I don’t know if I would forgive me. I don’t know if they’ll forgive me. Would I forgive me?” She is freaking me out. Finally after much ado, Jenny steps out of the car and heads towards the house. Chris asks, “Are you ready to meet Jesse’s best friend?” “Yes!” say the women in unison. The front door opens and in steps Jenny. Each woman gasps and covers her mouth with her hand – except Trish. She looks like she is about to vomit. After a few stunned moments, Mandy states the obvious, “That game of ‘I Never’ just took on a whole new life.” Trish immediately looked like the victim of a botched eyebrow lift. Through her mind runs memories of revelations of married men, lesbian affairs, cheating, gold digging… Jenny quietly says to everyone, “I’m sorry.” Chris asks Jenny, “Do you know who you want to have the three solo dates?” Jenny says yes. Chris nods and thinks to himself, “Well, now that I’ve led her into the lion’s den, I’m outta here. That’s good TV!” leaving Jenny behind to fend for herself.
All the women gather around her. They all have tears in their eyes – except for Trish. I guess during the eyebrow lift they jacked up her tear ducts. Granted, her vomitous look has returned. Jenny rambled on about how much she loves Jesse, but she didn’t know she would fall in love with all of the women while in the house. Ugh. Too much estrogen in this room for me. All the women say they still love her and they all cry together. Except Trish. She and her really high eyebrows and crinkled forehead sits on the couch and pouts. She tells the camera, “All I could think was ‘Oh crap.’” My guess is she thought a LOT more than that.
Jenny leaves and the first date box arrives. Inside of it is a letterman’s jacket and a note from Jesse to Jessica. She gets the first date. Jesse arrives that evening in a red early model Mustang. Jessica is wearing her jacket. They drive right onto the field of the Rose Bowl, where Jesse parks, pulls out a picnic basic and the couple plants themselves down on the grass and enjoys their meal. After eating, Jesse pulls Jessica to her feet and teaches her how to throw a football. They sit back down and start kissing. I note that Jessica has no lips. Seriously, doesn’t that feel like kissing teeth when the lips are so thin? They are kissing when Jessica hears a whistle. Onto the field enters a marching band. The couple starts laughing as the band forms a heart formation around them on the field. They kiss some more then head home. I have to admit, I always thought Jessica was a dingy blonde until this date. She showed that she is smart, confident and driven. Impressive.
While Jessica was enjoying her date, the second date box arrived. The next lucky lady that Jenny chose for Jesse is Mandy. In her box is a captain’s hat and a message from Jesse that they will be hitting the open sea. Mandy is excited about the date, but not too pleased with the idea of being on a boat. The next day, Jesse arrives wearing a horizontal striped shirt. I hate it. He looks like a meathead. The couple gets on a little boat, which leads them to a yacht. Now, I don’t even need to tell you the rest of the story. Rent Titanic. Seriously, king of the world, outstretched arms and kissing on the bow. Retched.
The yacht drops them off for a meal under a tent at some big house that sits oceanfront. Jesse admits that he worries a bit about Mandy’s pageant past. I think, “Huh? Wasn’t Karen the pageant girl?” Apparently, Mandy has won her share of pageants and Jesse is concerned that she knows how to say and do the right things in order to win. Mandy says that she is there for the right reasons, they kiss some more and head home.
While Mandy was on her date, the third date box arrived. Everyone gathers around. Trish’s eyebrows are moving ever closer to her hairline. Karen opens the box and finds that she, Suzie and Trish will be on the group date, leaving Jenny’s favorite Tara with the final one on one. She plops down in a chair and proceeds to cry. She says she is SO disappointed because now she knows she won’t really have an opportunity to make out with – I mean, get to know Jesse. You can see in Trish’s wide open eyes that she is angry to have to share the date.
The next day, Jesse arrives and picks up the three ladies. They head to some place that has a lot of dirt and one elephant. I think this group got gypped. The group heads towards a colorful tent set up in the dirt and sit on some pillows. As soon as hit butt hits the seat, Jesse says, “I think we need to talk about Jenny. Her intentions were honorable.” Wide eyed Trish asks Jesse for a moment to do damage control. They leave Suzie and Karen in the tent doing their best impressions of Trish. Karen, now wide eyed to imitate Trish says, “Um. About that married man. Really. It was nothing.” Suzie says, “I’m a gold digger – a hooker, only smarter,” reminding us all of the shirt Trish was wearing when Jenny revealed she was a spy.
Somewhere out there, Trish and Jesse find a lush green area to talk. With her eyebrows now at the crown of her head, Trish jumps in with, “You might have heard some things that you have questions about.” Jesse has a “No Sh**” look on his face and asks her about the married man, if she slept with him, if she had ever considered the feelings of his wife and children. On the offense jumps Trish with, “This is the part where I get really pissed off.” She truly believes that she is having to fix the mess caused by the other women! The OTHER women! Trish, this is your mess… you are the one that went all over-self disclosure to a house full of women all vying for the same man. Your bad. Somewhere in there, though Trish gave no answers to Jesse’s questions, he forgave her and they start kissing. During the kiss, Jesse says, “Thanks for being so honest.” Yes, as if we did not all know before, Jesse is determined to have sex with this woman no matter what anyone says.
They head back to meet the others, where Jesse asks Karen for some alone time. He admits that he does not know anything about her, but this doesn’t stop him from making out with her. They kiss for awhile and head back. I guess Jesse then asks Karen and Trish to leave, because suddenly he is alone in the tent with Suzie. Within seconds and with no conversation, Jesse has Suzie on her back and is making out with her. So, essentially Suzie is making out with Jesse, Trish and Karen today, right? All the spit has been swapped and the group heads home. After Jesse drops off the women and leaves, Trish opens the front door and follows him out. The women in the house are livid and shocked and try to peak through the cracks of the door to see what she is up to. Outside she leans into Jesse and quietly asks him, “So everything is ok? We’re good?” He says yes, kisses her again and leaves. Trish heads back inside and brushes by the 5 gawking ladies, eyebrows now back in the middle of her forehead – still a little high, but better. Karen says, “Did you go out there and make out with him?” Trish says, “Just had to tie up some lose ends.” Wait… did she say tie up? Yeah, she is a shoo in for a rose.
The next evening, Jesse picks up Tara for their date. He is driving her favorite car and greets her with a gift of her favorite flowers. She says, “So what are we doing?” Jesse responds, “We’re going back to my place. I’ve got something to show you.” Wow. Bold statement for a man that hasn’t even gotten a real kiss from this one. So Jesse – what have you got to show her?
As they pull up to the mansion, I half expect him to whip it out as soon as they enter the place. Instead he keeps all his appendages in their locked and upright position – well, maybe not upright yet – and covers Tara’s eyes. When she is finally able to open her eyes, she sees that the room has been absolutely covered in her favorite flowers. From ceiling to floor and wall to wall are pink roses. They head to a table set up in the middle of the room, where the couple is served Tara’s favorite meal. She thinks it’s perfect. Jesse thinks it’s possibly a waste. Tara is the one girl that really has not shown genuine interest in him. And no amount of alcohol seems to loosen her up. After their meal, they head to sit on the floor, on a blanket of rose petals, in front of the fire to have dessert. Jesse asks Tara what the most important trait in a man is. She says trust, then offers up the same question to him. In true meathead fashion, Jesse says, “Yeah. Trust here, too.” Then he adds, “And I don’t like skeptics. Never liked a skeptic.” Tara says, “Uh oh… I’ve been skeptical this entire time.” Jesse says, “I know,” and goes in for the kiss. His mouth meets a wall of face as she does not pucker up at all. She’s not kissing back, which doesn’t stop him from trying to kiss her again. She drops her head and says, “I’m sorry. I’m just not comfortable.” She tries to explain that it’s the situation. She uses the old, “It’s not you. It’s me” line. Jesse asks if she is always going to be a frigid biatch or if it’s just because of the cameras. I note he does not ask, “Is it me? Are you not into me?” because I believe the answer to that question would be, “Yes it’s you. I’m not into you at all. In fact, you sicken me.” She gathers her things and he takes her home. There’s no joy in Bachelorville. Mighty Jesse has struck out.
While Tara was on her date, back at the house the women fire questions at Trish. Sitting around the kitchen island, the women all note that since Jenny revealed herself, Trish has been doing a lot of backpedaling. Karen says, “Would you pull a Anna Nicole? You know, lots of money, old guy, bad ticker?” Trish says in a very self righteous manner, with her eyebrows as high as humanly possible, “Of course not!!” Karen adds, “Not even for twenty MILLION dollars?” Trish retorts, “No way! I’m in this for love!!” Karen then asks, “Would you ever date a poor man? Marry him? Have his children?” Trish sits quietly, prompting Karen to add, “Yes or No. Honestly.” Trish says, “No” and looks utterly defeated. Then angry. Really really angry. All the women leave her alone with her thoughts of married men and lots of money and head out to the pool.
The four women (sans Tara and Trish) tap the keg, pop the cork on a few bottles of wine and champagne and proceed to marathon drink, ending with a good old fashioned chicken fight as marathon drinking always does. In the kitchen, through the window, we see Trish – angry and alone.
And – now is the time for the rose ceremony. Jesse deliberates, comes downstairs and offers roses to Tara, Jessica, TRISH and Mandy! Now the eyebrows of every one of the ladies pops up high on their foreheads – except Trish’s. She looks relaxed for the first time.
As everyone is saying their good-byes, Karen walks up to Jesse and says, “You’ve got three really wonderful girls there and one that is in it for the wrong reasons.” Jesse looks like she just punched him in the stomach and ponders on camera, “Did I just make a horrible mistake?” Well, Jesse – that depends on what your ultimate goal is. If you are looking for a hot roll in the sack, then you didn’t screw up at all.
While Jesse is preoccupied with Karen’s last words, Tara takes the opportunity to tap Trish on the shoulder. Trish turns around and Tara says, “Trish. Listen. Stop blaming Jenny for everything. You know you don’t deserve that rose.” Trish’s eyebrows are back up and she has the same punched-in-the-stomach look that Jesse has. She turns to the camera, cackles a laugh and says, “I’ll get you, my pretty….”
Tune in next week for the hometown dates! Maybe Jesse will get a piece of Trish and can finally ditch her… though it wouldn’t be the same without her.
For questions or comments or just to bag on the bachelors and his biatches, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org