The Bachelor 4/21 recap- “The Spy , The Skank and The Sucker”
Well folks, it’s been quite the week at the FORT for Trish talk. Gold digging ho’s everywhere, have dragged themselves from their daytime coffins to weigh in with me about my anti Trash stance. I’d tell you the joke that the Gators have running about her , but hey I’m sure I’d even get banned. The words Trollop Trish , Trampy Trish and Trish the Tart seem to be everywhere, and that’s just the T's.
The episode begins with the usual re-tread of the previous shows. I know we have a short attention span , but are we done yet? The more they rehash, the less new stuff we see.
Trish and JennySpy start the show by having a little chat over coffee. Jenny tells Trash that true love begins with friendship. Trash rolls her eyes and says pul-EEZ-e. Friends are boring , I just want sex and money.
A date box arrives for Suzie. Since it appears to be a movie date , Suzie re- enacts a scene from Scream by ..well .. screaming like she’s been stuck by the masked one himself. Jesse wants to get to know her better, since it’s revealed that Suzie got the date by being the most compatible via those mysterious tests given by Fleiss and crew.
Cut to a Trash confessional where she styles herself elegant ,sophisticated and professional , while she brands Suzie a “blabbering idiot”. Hold that professional thought Trash, while we go over the speculation on our site that she is a plant from Fleiss’s cousin Heidi’s House-O-Fun.
Back to the Suzie date. It’s the home movies one, where they get to see each others cute baby pics. They discuss some more how compatible they are , and have a generally nice quiet date.
While they do the cutesy coo, the girls back at the house play a drinking game similar to truth or dare.They “I never” through their sexual past. The best anyone can muster is the fact they had sex in college. Then Trish takes over, and confesses to being ridden more times than that other Florida attraction - Space Mountain . Mandy and Jessica B feel ill at the confessions. JennyS picks her jaw up off of the floor. I’m just glad no one asked her the obvious questions about vegetables or farm animals, because then even I would have tossed dinner. This even beats out some of the P-Ho antics from last summer. I think I’ve voted Trash to be the sluttiest reality contestant ever. That’s saying something for someone who lived through Temptation Island. Her mom must be so proud.
On cue, the second date box arrives and it’s for Trash and poor MandyJ. The girls roll their eyes in unison. Mandy checks with the producers to find out if Trash did indeed pass the mandatory HIV screening pre show, before she thinks of swapping spit with Jesse. I’m sure she’s wondering what else Trash has shared with Jesse. I don’t know if she even knows about the “french things” Trash can do. JennySpy sputters in a shocked voice she can’t imagine Jesse ending up with the Trash. She now switches her tactics from trying to find a match for Jesse , to finding any match for Jesse other than Ms Space Mountain. Suzie returns from her date with little fan fare.
The next morning, Suzie who has been rooming with JennyS, tells about how nice her date was. I have flash back to Sandra Bullock in Ms Congeniality as Suzie tells our spy how honest she is. Jenny is probably wishing she was heavily armed like the character in that movie, as she tells us she doesn’t know how much longer she can keep up the act. If Trash shows up floating in the pool , it might not be just spygirl who is suspect though.
Jesse tells us he’s expecting trouble on his Mandy/Trish date. It’s the first inkling this guy has any clue at all. He goes on to say he’s going to try and figure out why Jenny doesn’t like her. I guess I was wrong in my inkling. Mandy is a trooper, as she allows it will be ‘interesting’. Since we’ve heard so much from Trash already , thank goodness we don’t have to listen in on her thoughts.
They go to a bar. I figure Trash is in her element. They play darts and Mandy is careful to not deliberately aim at Trish. For her part the Trash shows herself to be lacking in any kind of skills that don’t involve playing hump the party girl. She bleats in frustration “can’t we go shopping , I’m a pro at that” She’s already told Jesse earlier that ALL first dates involve making out. Jesse tries to play the “I’m not that kind of guy” card , but has forgotten we’ve been privy to his multiple times at the first down line with multiple girls. ( not to mention his stranger in my bed story) Jesse allows he’s seen ‘some negative’ things about the Trash, but also some positive ones. Can you enlighten us Jess?
The three all get a massage at a spa, while Mandy discusses her charity work. Trash doesn’t understand this concept at all. Especially the part about childrens charities. Ewww. Jesse grabs Mandy for a quickie in the sauna , except that unlike Trash it’s just a kiss. I can see the water boiling around Trish as she waits in the pool. She had thought she had the platinum card all sewn up, and Jesse agrees its good for her to fume a bit. Another flash of a clue.
While they were on this awkward date, another date box had arrived for Tara. I don’t even think we are shown Mandy and Trash returning before Tara leaves for her one on one. What is this Survivor ? I’m almost feeling sorry for Jesse if they are subjecting him to endurance dating.
Tara and Jesse leave for the Park Plaza hotel where Fleiss and crew have bizarrely set up a dressing room in the lobby. There is a choice of a few pretty dresses for Tara , and a few ugly ones. Tara picks one that looks like it was designed by Hilde from Trading Spaces. I think I even see the where the fringe has been attached by glue gun. Oh well at least she’s covered.
While they dance away the night , yet another Date box arrives for Katie, the two Jessica’s , Julie, Karen and our spy. They will be “building something permanent”. Jess H seems ticked off she might have to work instead of getting some quality bikini time. Trash starts telling more skank stories by telling us all about having sex three days before coming here, as she “had to fit it all in”. Fit what in where Trish ? I’m sure she has fit just about everything, just about everywhere you could think of. She tops it off by detailing some kind of lesbian threeway. Does this ever end ? Put a straightjacket on this one - she’s making it up for attention now. Narcissistic Personality Disorder Check it out Trish.
The girls bring Suzie up to snuff on the Trash Tales , but she doesn’t seem that shocked. She figures Jesse will figure it out. Sorry Suzie , he doesn’t seem to be able to clue in even with an embedded spy. You have mistaken him for someone with a brain.
Back with Tara and Jesse at the hotel , Jesse steals a kiss. She had previously told him not to bother as she hadn’t confirmed Trash’s HIV status with the producers. Her logic wins out that ABC wouldn’t actually put her in danger , so she relaxes a bit. Tara’s date ends quietly too. Unless someone does Jesse in the backseat of the limo , it all kind of pales in comparison to the Tramp Tales.
The next date extravaganza starts with the girls boarding a funky black bus to ‘help’ with a Habitat for Humanity project. We are shown various scenes of the girls painting but generally not doing too much. I’m insulted by how they trivialize a really wonderful program, but then Fleiss and Co probably care about charity as much as Trish does. While there , Jenny gives Jesse the scoop on Trish and answers all other questions about any of the other girls with “they are wonderful, don’t pick the skank” She emphasises Trish’s true feelings about kids as “dirty little nuisances”, then tops it off with the ”If you marry her , I can’t be your friend". If Jesse hasn’t caught a clue by now, I don’t even think a nailgun in the head will help. I think he has forgotten why Jenny was even planted at the house.
The girls head off to a handy hot tub, presumably not a feature at the HFH house. He talks to Jess B alone in the “I like you” no “I like YOU” manner. Jesse sticks his tongue down her throat. The words “connection” and “spark” are used, reassuring us that Mr Cheesy Dialogue man is still on the bachelor set.
He then takes some time with JessH . While they converse, she plays rub the Jesse . She doesn’t play it as well as Trash, so he says he’s weirded out and bolts the room. They all drink and eat in the hot tub for a while then return home.
It’s time for the rose ceremony , and Jesse claims to be blind and unprepared to give out the six flowers. Let’s see.Take away the spy, minus Florida’s second best theme park ride ,and it shouldn’t really be too difficult to get rid of two Jesse. (10-6-2=2 you can even do that one on your fingers ) We haven’t seen Katie or Julie the whole show , so It’s my guess it’s not too difficult at all.
Jesse sits down to “confront” Trish with what he has learned. She starts babbling about how she wouldn’t be here if she didn’t see something permanent. It totally flies over his head she’s talking about his wallet and not him. Nice “confrontation” Jesse, no wonder he plays quarterback and not on the offensive line. I’m wondering if there are any stats as to how many times he’s thrown towards his own end zone instead of away from it. He sits down with JennySpy who repeats the everyone else is golden, Trish is a skank story, just in case he hasn’t gotten it the last bunch of times she’s told it. They hug. Chris bangs the glass for what’s billed as a "tension filled rose ceremony." We don’t even get a tour through the bachelorette shrine!
Jesse tells the ladies it’s now about his feelings , and not about first impressions.
MandyJ, Squealing Suzie, Timid Tara, Cali Jessie, and Collagen Karen are given roses before Chris does the last Rose bit. Chris now eyes Jesse suspiciously , and repeats his last Rose speech. Being graduates of the reality TV school of foreshadowing, we all know now that Trash will get the last Rose. Jesse doesn’t disappoint. Eyes worldwide all roll in unison.
After the lights cut
- Jenny wonders why she wasted a couple weeks of her life
- Julie wonders how it can be the cheerleader doesn’t end up with the quarterback
- Jessica H ponders legal action for excessive cruelty in editing
- In a true television what the F is he doing here moment , Bill from the Apprentice tells us he likes hot girls and that if he can’t find a girl at the bachelor he’s in deep trouble. Ever the master of effective time management, he then simply opts to date bachelor Andrews final choice Jen.
Jenny returns, is revealed as a spy, and everyone is happy except for Trish who is faced with backpedalling her thong off.
E-mail your Trish encounters or cash bribes to firstname.lastname@example.org , but please no defenceless veggie stories
Last edited by eny; 04-22-2004 at 09:21 PM.
Great diagnosing the Narcissistic Personality Disorder!!! The only cure for that is probably coming in #2 on The Bachelor.
Thanks for the entertaining recap!
Thank you for the colorful recap Very funny.... lots of funny thoughts.....on a lot of lip smacking fun :rolleyes
Jessie speaking: Well I couldnt possibly expect to listen to what Jenny has to say about Trish. She has always had a crush on me and totally wants me so she is obviously jeolous of how good looking Trish is and how much I am attracted to her. You know how petty girls can be, even one who is a good friend of mine.
Last edited by cannonballler; 04-22-2004 at 04:13 PM.
Reason: need to add a word
trouble, trouble, trouble
CLONK! Sound of me falling off of my chair while laughing! Or the sound of jaws dropping around America every time Trash talks. Or the sound of a large frying pan hitting Jesse's skull while Jenny yells, "She's a tramp you Bozo!" Thanks eny for the hysterical and oh so fast recap.
I'm sick of butt cracks..
I really enjoy these recaps every Thursday too. Thanks eny for the great entertainment. I like your sense of humor.
As always, I am never disappointed with your recap.
Just too, too funny. Your recaps are Fabulous.
eny, That was the most fun reading that I've had anywhere during this B5 series...I don't cry for the spy, I wanna Spank the Skank, and the Sucker...well you know what rhymes with that. Thanks.
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