This week on The Bachelor, Jesse is perfecting his presentation of the standard bachelor lines like “It’s really getting hard,” and “I’m confused,” and “I feel like we have a great connection.” Trish is quickly taking on this season’s role of being the most hated housemate – pissing off all the other women by saying what she thinks, being money grubbing and having a better butt. Our spy is flitting from group to group trying to decide who is good for Jesse, who is here for the wrong reasons, and how to get rid of the gold-digger. Busy little bees. So here is how it all goes down….
It is morning at the bachelorette mansion and HostChris joins the ladies in the living room. Arms extended a la Vanna White, Chris says, “So what do you think of the place?” Most of the women ooh and aww – “Swimming pools and tennis courts and so many bathrooms!” In the midst of all the oohing, I believe I faintly hear a voice saying, “Eh…I’ve seen better.”
Chris continues to tell the women that there will be two group dates, but then adds, “Remember that first impression rose?” Fifteen of the women’s expressions quickly change from giddy to grumpy when Chris goes on to tell them that not only did that rose signify which woman made the most lasting impression on Jesse, but the rose further meant that Trish would be receiving the first solo date as well. Trish’s expression changes from boredom to a sly “in your face” grin. Chris sends soccer Mandy outside to retrieve the first date box.
Mandy hauls back this big white box with a Tiffany blue ribbon wrapped around it. She sits the box down in the middle of all the women who gather tightly around. The box is filled with earmuffs and handwarmers. Suzie snags the card and reads that Celeste, MandyJ, Tara, JessicaB, Julie, Katie and Karen will be catching a plane to a “winter wonderland.” The ladies all clap and seem happy. Trish still looks smug.
The seven first datees stand around in their new cold weather accessories when Jesse picks them up. He tells the camera that he is excited about the trip as he has never been sledding and “tubbing.” He says “tubbing” and I say “huh?” Is “tubbing” an affectionate term for hot tubbing? Does he “tubb” so much that he has given the task a nickname? After they get off the plane in Tahoe, I see a hillside with sleds and inner tubes. OHHHH. He meant tubing! Learn to read better. If there is only one “b”, the “u” is long like ewwww. Tewwwbing. Got it? Anyway, they sled and tube and have a grand time.
After lots of overt affection between Jesse and snowbunny JessicaB, and several trips down the hill, Jesse asks Katie if he can have a moment alone with her. Let me remind you, Katie is the girl he did not mean to pick. She stayed anyway. The two walk away from the others and take a seat on a log. Jesse tells Katie that he admires how she handled herself when he told her he had said the wrong name, and ultimately, he was glad she stayed. “Me too,” she coos. She is actually quite a cutie. Back in the pack, MandyJ says that she does not like that Jesse spent the first alone time with Katie because she really was not meant to be there. Well MandyJ, I like ya, but time to retract the claws and quit meowing. Katie is there, so time to deal with it. The two rejoin the other girls and they head in to go “tubbing.”
Typical Bachelor scene – hot tub, champagne, teeny girls in teeny bikinis. But wait… what is this? A bachelor that looks damn good in a swimsuit! Sorry Bob, but ewww. You know, like tewwwb. Next to get a little alone time is Julie. She is the 23 year old NFL cheerleader that thinks she has sooooooo much in common with Jesse. Before he can finish saying hello, she has stepped in and cheered:
I want four kids though I’m very immature!
2 football boys for him and two cheerleaders for her!
I’m the girl for you
Cuz I scream and yell and jump!
Plus your boys will really like me
Cuz my girls all like to … “
And Jesse still finds her attractive. I, however, see the stalker in the making.
Julie and Jesse return to the pool where after a bit, MandyJ asks Jesse if she can see him alone. Knowing the secret to not getting the axe early on (remaining invisible by not being assertive), Mandy is smart to take him aside. They head over to a hot tub with bubbles in it. Ick. Me no likey the bubbles in a hot tub. Jesse talks about himself and wanting a wife and a family and Mandy agrees, which to Jesse means she’s smart. In mid sentence, Jesse kind of stalls. He later admits that while he was looking at her, he just kind of fell into her. In a good way. According to Jesse, she is not only smart, but also drop dead gorgeous. Despite her moliness (not in a spy kind of way), I have to agree. She’s a very pretty and sweet girl.
Meanwhile, back at the house… Trish and the other seven girls are laying out by the pool. Everything seems to be going swimmingly until Trish decides to go change into a thong bikini so her ass can look sunkissed for her upcoming date. The thong sends JessicaH into a soapbox discussion on how ugly butts are. Everyone else just rolls their eyes while Trish further ensures her place as the most hated bachelorette ever.
Later that evening, the girls have all gathered in the kitchen. The topic of discussion is “What Men Expect” and is seemingly chaired by Amber who thinks men expect them to have kids, work full time, clean up, look pretty be a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Oh, wait. That’s Usher. Sorry. Interrupting Amber as she runs on about how oppressed women are is Trish who says, “Honey, here’s what you do. Marry rich, hire a nanny, order out, get a trainer.” Life lessons to live by, huh? Trish continues on about how she’s never had to settle. She has dated great guys with lots of money, good connections, lots of pretty shiny things, and that is never gonna end. To further endear her to us, she states how she doesn’t like dirty kids with lollipop faces and sticky fingers. In fact – she’s not sure she’s having kids at all. The others roll their eyes in unison.
The next morning, Trish’s date box arrives. It’s black velvet with a bow. In the past, when the solo date box has arrived, the girl has always read the invitation card out loud for all the others to hear. Not this solo girl. She tells the others it’s private, but says, “It looks like we’re going to the opera!” Out of the box she pulls long white gloves, a red dress in the same vein as Pretty Woman and opera binocs. Also included is a note saying that Trish will be getting glammed up with the help of stylist, Cristophe. According to Trish, he is one of the most famous and best stylists in Hollywood. Oh the wealth of useful information today’s gold-diggers have to offer.
Many of the girls are sitting poolside discussing Trish while she is inside telling everyone how great she is. JessicaH feels it is necessary to add to her tirade yesterday about the ugliness of butts by ranting about how much she hates people that think they are better than others. They are never going to get over this thong thing, are they? Inside, Cristophe has arrived. He tells Trish how great her hair is. She says she knows. He goes into the kitchen and finds some of the others sitting around. They immediately start telling him how Trish loooooooves blue frosted eyeshadow and funky white streaks of hair. Cristophe isn’t biting. After the makeover is complete, Trish yells down to the other girls, “I am f**king fabulous!” I must say, the others don’t agree.
Jesse shows up with diamonds to don this prima donna with. He is struck by her beauty. Trish is struck from behind. Ok, not really – but I’m sure that comes later. They head to the Orpheum Theatre for a private performance. In their balcony seats, apparently the programs are printed in another language. I think opera, naturally Italian comes to mind. Trish thinks it’s French, so it must be a Canadian thing. When Jesse asks her to read the program, she said she’s not the one that speaks other languages – but there are other things she can do in French. My guess is this isn’t Jesse’s first time hearing such a thing as he plays it cool. Without looking at Trish, he says, “What might that be.” My guess is ménage à trois, but she says she’s a great kisser instead. Jesse looks disappointed, but plays it off. After the opera, the two have dinner at a table set up on stage, where rose petals fall from the ceiling to cover the table.
During dinner, Jesse brings up kids. Trish basically drops her fork. She admits that she isn’t even sure she wants kids, which stumps the quarterback. He says, “Kids are very important to me.” She tries to clean up her mess, but doesn’t change her tune. When Jesse says he doesn’t need kids right away, she sighs with relief and continues to eat. In confessional, JennyS had said, “I don’t think Jesse knows the real Trish.” I’m not sure I agree. I think the bitchy Trish in the house is pretty much the same bitchy Trish all the time. In the limo on the way home, she sticks her body between his legs and her tongue in his mouth. My guess is this isn’t her first time in a limo. It’s very romantic. Ha!
Meanwhile – again – back at the house the final date box arrives. It contains outdoorsy stuff like pinecones. Kristin, MandyC, JessicaH, Jenny, Amber, Jean Marie and Suzie seem excited. Anne Catherine seems to be able to contain her excitement. In fact, she looks bored. The mole says she has been anxiously awaiting that date box because she needs to see Jesse to tell him what is really going on. And since Trish has labeled herself a “gold-digging money grubbing whore,” Jesse might as well know that, too.
Jesse picks up the women and they head to the park where they play a game of football. The girls seem to be excited about it, except Anne Catherine who doesn’t do football. After the game, everyone heads inside to an awaiting dinner table. Barely before everyone can get their butt in a chair, Kristin says, “Jesse, when we all found out you were going to be the bachelor, a friend of mine printed out an interview of yours. One of the questions specifically asked you about marriage, and you said you wouldn’t marry till you were 30. What changed?” Jesse said that his attitude has changed drastically since that time – I mean, really. Bagging every babe you see has got to get old after awhile, right? He continues that he got tired of waking up every morning to a stranger’s face. The parents of the bachelorettes just all had mini-heart attacks across the nation. A couple of the girls looked grossed out. A couple appeared to know what he meant. Gimme a break. Seriously. How many of these girls can be as virtuous as they seem? Makes me appreciate Trish a little more – money grubbing and all. In confessional, Kristin says that any man who lives that kind of lifestyle is clearly not the man for her. Buhbye Jesse.
After dinner, Jesse pulls his spy aside and it is revealed to be Jenny S. Yes, I know you are all shocked and dismayed. I expected her to chide Jesse about his manwhoring comment, but she doesn’t. He thanks her for all she is doing and says how much she needs him because he has NO idea who he is going to pick. She asks, “Well, who are you leaning towards choosing?” He says he had a great time with Trish. Jenny interrupts and says she is kind of high maintenance. HUH? Out of everything she could have told Jesse about Trish, that’s the thing she picked? High maintenance isn’t enough to fend off a man that is eager to… well, you know. Do French things.
The night of the rose ceremony arrives. Jesse has to get rid of six of the women. Tara confides to JennyS that she doesn’t like this game but Jenny convinces her to stick it out and let Jesse know what she’s really like. After all, Jenny did tell Jesse that Tara was her pick for him. Taking Jenny’s advice, Tara takes Jesse aside and questions him about his manwhoring. Jesse says that was mis-said – that what he meant by that was that he was tired of waking up with prostitutes. No! That he was tired of waking up to groupies and fans. NO! That he was tired of waking up with the woman he was in a relationship with - a very serious relationship – when he ultimately knew that she wasn’t the girl for him. He wants to be in love. This seemed to satisfy Tara who went back and reported to the others that Jesse was in it for the right reasons.
Jesse heads to the deliberation room then returns to offer the first rose to Katie. She says, “You mean ME, right?” Everyone laughs and she accepts his rose. The other roses go to spyJenny, Tara, JessicaB, Trish, MandyJ, Karen, Suzie, Jessica (a.k.a. Jessie) and obnoxious cheerleader, Julie. Kristin had declined to accept a rose earlier in private.
Jean Marie, in her deep husky voice asks the camera why Jesse didn’t want her? Well, Jean Marie, my guess is because you remind him of his teammates. My advice to you – stop with the female hormones and allow yourself to be the man you really are. Ok, that’s harsh, but every time she opens her mouth, it freaks me out. I’m just glad she’s gone.
Tune in next week for more bitchy Trish and spying Jenny!
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