Well Sher and I did the coin toss , I won and elected to write . I was wondering why I was so looking forward to this , then it occurred to me that we’ve just gone through two seasons of retreads. This is fresh meat baby !
Bachelor Jesse is the youngest one to anchor so far. To be fair , an NFL Quarterback would usually have a couple of ex wives and an extensive network of ball bunnys by the time he reaches the usual 30ish of the previous ones. They HAD to get him young.
The show starts out with a taste of things to come. Chris tells us things will be bolder, wilder and sexier than they’ve ever been before. Cue a bunch of girls saying “Jesse’s hot”. Then we find out Jesse screws up a rose ceremony , and wants to take away a rose. We get a so -called view of the “spy” . (Nice try but I’m not buying the video manip from the Mark Brunette school of change the color of things to try and F up the vidcappers OR the mafia voice cover-up.) There is apparently “the most hated Bachelorette ever” coming on , and no there isn’t any pretence - they show Trish . The words skanky gold-digging Ho are used. Cue more girls exclaiming over the fact Jesse has lots of money. Ok, they are all skanky gold-digging ho’s. Just when I think it can’t get better, someone one ups creepy Christi from B2 and apparently goes full out stalker. I’m thinking Yay! After sleeping since Andrew Firestone showed his butt-crack, I’m ready to watch.
A trip down the old reality TV bio road follows, highlighting the life up till now of our boy Jesse James. Far from being an outlaw , he appears to be the perfect son. Dramatic voiceoverChris cranks up the thesaurus as he describes perfect bachelor Jesse as being smart, handsome, rich and successful.He knew from age 7 he wanted to be a QB in the NFL. Most seven year old American boys want to do that, but in Canada where Jesse comes from, the attitude is real guys play hockey. Quite an accomplishment he actually did it. Our campus hero collected two degrees, one in political science ( hey if Arnie can be Gov after Terminator), and the other in Business. (He also collected awards for athletic excellence along side our spy, but Chris fails to mention this)
Despite the fact that just previous to the bachelor , Jesse was quoted as saying no marriage til he was 30 , suddenly he is ready to commit, and for marriage too. Must be the same brain washing stint they put Bob through to get him to agree to do Bachelor 4 .We all know how that turned out.
We then see Nick (Shiralli - but dramatic graphics guy forgot that) who tells us that they’ve known Jesse for 8 yrs, and that he was Jesse’s roommate in college.( Now where have we at fansofrealitytv heard that before ? Oh yeah we told everyone else that) Jesse gushes on about having 25 girls to pick from , and Nick corrects him - uh 24 buddy - the wife already knows you and passed. . Jesse allows he’s “dated” and “had fun” , but wants someone to come home to. Nick is most concerned about having to appear on TV in an over the Top wedding a la Trista , and asks “Are you gonna get married on TV” . Jesse says he just hopes he doesn’t “fall over” at a Rose ceremony. I think he’s expecting the gals to tackle.
We get a quick view of the various girls stuffing suitcases full of bikinis . At the spy’s house our spy ( Jenny Shiralli) packs up and hands her wedding rings over. She thinks the girls will see right through her, and thinks it will be difficult to be someone she’s not. Well , she’s obviously never watched the show . Most of them are so self absorbed , they wouldn’t notice a commando in full gear in their midst. As long as they get their alone time with the target - er Bachelor, and no one is showing too much boob or leg , they are happy.
We are treated to three football buddies Tiki Barber ,Jim Finn and Amani Toomer, poring over a book with the bachelorette pics, like tech nerds ordering up Russian brides. Celeste, Jessica H and Trish get the thumbs up. They joke there should be a book of girls when they wake up. Ha ha , that’s too much reality for reality TV. The guys punch each others arms and plan to fill Jesse’s locker with roses (huh?)and warn him not to cry. They still haven’t gotten over Ryan Sutter . Jesse says the famous - let’s put on the eyeblack, turn on the lights and get ready.
Well yes as matter of fact now that you mention it, a few faces look eyeblacked up enough to be classed as game ready.
All of the girls are shown at their orientation speech by the production staff. In a scene right out of Legally Blonde , the peppy assistant says “clap for being here “ Yay.
Karen tells us she looked up Jesse online and
his salaryhe’s hot. Mandy, who is gorgeous tells us the girls are all gorgeous. Well duh . Did you think you’d tripped into average Jane? Trish is telling us all about her long ( skinny stork) legs and how she’s gonna wrap them around Jesse. She then corrects herself and says uh .. Later .. Maybe. Yup if it walks like a Ho and talks like a Ho , then it probably is ... Spygirl is gonna love this one. Mandy keeps making the same lame joke about the others going away. It’s a reoccurring theme. Cue the serial Killer music.
After all of this extra show padding , Jesse finally makes it to the Bachelor pad with Chris.
Chris is really starting to loosen up . He smiles almost spontaneously. He asks why Jesse did this.
“ well Chris, I had a crappy season ,and my agent figured a little publicity was the only way the Giants would keep me on” NOPE , again too much reality .
“ When you are a pro athlete, it’s hard to meet girls who want you for who you are, and these ones signed up before they knew who I was.”
Oh Jesse, did they not tell you , that with the exception of Blob, all of the others were rich ? You’ve been had hon.
Chris then asks what he’s looking for . Jesse does not answer “a skanky ball bunny like the other guys have” , but - someone who has their own life ( and unlikely to seek alimony) and who isn’t clingy ( so I can still hang out with the ball bunnies) and can put up with the sacrifices of being a spouse of a pro athlete ( hey babe - what happens on the road, stays on the road) He then says he’s glad to have the help of the spy , and that he’d propose if he found someone who “moves me” Ah, nice to see dramatic cue card with cheesy dialogue man has found our Jesse.
Finally , I’m exhausted - but it appears the girls are really going to arrive soon. The limos pull up and first out is
Jessica B - She’s a hopeless romantic who tells him no-one else is coming . Ha good joke kid..
Jean Marie- In the ugliest bachelorette dress ever ( including Mer and that’s saying something)
Suzie - Who tells us she won’t let anyone get in her way , and kicked someones butt in a bar once (charming)
Dolores- who reveals she is a psycho nutbar Giants fan come to creepy fangirl her way around Jesse.
Debbie- In a red dress, who gets the Trista award for being the resident massage therapist.
Karen - Who is a heavy duty pageant girl disguised as a Pharmaceutical sales person, (but we have determined that was the job they put down if you are unemployed.)
Anne Catherine-Who delights jesse by being a fellow canuck, even if she is french. He even promises to speak some french for her .
Francine - Who missed what Jesse does , as all she wants to do is travel. Hon you’ll be travelling to Jersey.
Jesse H - aka JesseD Who is the bubbliest attorney since Elle Woods
Julie- Who figures they are a love match since you know - quarterbacks and cheerleaders go together
Tara- Who has been planning her wedding since she was little, and has a nice sparkly dress
DeShaun- Who can only say sha la la la la throughout the show
Jenny S - Our spygirl who arrives as lucky number 13.Could they have been any more awkward? They both look ready to bust out laughing.
Amber - In the worst dress for someone with no boobage. Tells us she can’t wait to be a mom
Mandy- Who tells him she hears he throws a crappy football. Jesse thinks she’s another fan , til he realizes she’s joking.
Jessica K- Who really controls herself from seeking out the platinum Visa card in the first ten seconds. She’s told us she wants a “provider” and doesn’t like to think about not having money
Holly- Who thinks she’s on the ultimate fightchallenge , by telling us she’ll fight to the death.
Kristi- Who thinks its ok even if she’s not married in five years. I wonder if they actually explained medical school to her?
Katie- Claims to be sweet and innocent. In this bunch ? Not likely.
Celeste- Who wins this seasons horrible pic in the bio’s award. She’s really beautiful
Mandy J -Who loves men in uniform and well that’s a football uniform. She likes guys cleaned up. She’s never watched a game in the rain on real turf obviously.
Rachel- Tells us her dream is fall in love and leave NYC with Jesse. They did tell you where he played right?
Kristin- Who originally was listed as a waitress, is suddenly a Thai pop singer. Who knew? Her mom is afraid she’ll sleep with someone on air. No mom this isn’t BB.
Jen M - A proskater who predicts lots of catfights. Ok Rollerball anyone?
Trish- The űberslut makes her first appearance by saying she’ll be a great wife for Jesse because she can call the caterer .
Chris then throws the first curve . He gives Jesse the first impression rose to give out sometime soon to the one who made the best first impression. In order to avoid a bachelorette implosion , they have wisely canned the white rose with the one on one date. This crowd would have poisoned the white rose girl the first night - guaranteed.
Jesse enters to a chorus of “he’s hot” and sha la la la la . Francine says she’s never dated a celebrity. Add her to the fangirly stalker list. Dolores corners him first and starts into her Giants rule fangirly rant. Jesse looks around for the security team. Karen tells him not all pageant girls are dumb as rocks just like all football players aren’t, then smiles like she is as dumb as a bag of rocks. LawyerJesse just about gets the security detail called on her when she makes fun of the Gator chomp. Spygirl says she wants 100 kids , while Jesse tops that with 101. They laugh , and poor sparkly dress Tara sitting between them doesn’t get the fact she’s been had. He thinks soccer Mandy is hot . She counters with - how Libra of you. Ugly dress Jean Marie wants to smell Jesse. Blonde California Jessica gives Jesse a stuffed gator to keep him company while he’s all by himself. Ding ding - the points rack up. He speaks French 101 to Anne Catherine who tells him his French isn’t so bad. AC he grew up in a town where all of the signs are in French - do you not think he should have done a little better?
Jesse makes his first major fumble of the evening by granting SGH (skanky goldigging ho) girl the first impression rose. She grabs it, runs back to the others and actually says nananana to one of them. She finishes the performance by saying JP has two younger bros to go through if this doesn’t work out. Spygirl is sitting close by and goes out of character long enough to roll her eyes. You are toast baby. Banker girl says that if pageant girl doesn’t shut up , she’s going to throw up. DrKristin impresses Jesse with some surgery talk. They bond over ACL stories common to athletes. After this , she’s 99% sure of a rose. Attorney Jesse goes on another low self esteem rant.
It’s time for the bachelorette shrine. Jesse get his first peek. We don’t get to see him mooning over the pics because Jesse really does have the most dramatic rose ceremony ever planned . He just doesn’t know it yet.
A shot of the girls lining up and SGH girl giving her best beotch face. Jesse tells them he hates this . Then Dr Kristi , Anne - Catherine ,soccer Mandy, Celeste,Lawyer Jesse, MandyJ , JennySpygirl, Amber ,Tara, Jean Marie ,Jessica B, Julie, and Suzie get roses. Chris steps up with his usual last Rose speech. Hahaha how many times have we laughed at this?
Jesse screws up, calls out Katie , then has to give a rose to her. He then calls Chris over. Chris says sorry Dude , you guys always laugh at me for my last Rose speech. Jesse goes into football mode and plans to strip Katie of the rose by any means necessary . In the confusion he has forgotten he is a quarterback and not a linebacker. Chris sensing he just might try it, says settle down big fella , we gave Mer an extra Rose, but if you want, go break that girls heart and tell her anyway. So Jesse does just that , then offers her to stay anyway and she DOES. Man she’s been listening to attorney Jesse and her low self esteem rants . Get you’re a** outta there with your head held high girl I say to the TV - but that’s just me. Chris then says now this really really is the last Rose, and don’t screw it up again football brain.
Jesse gives the rose to pageant girl Karen who grabs it and says“ it’s about time, man you really are as dumb as a bag of rocks” . They all clink champagne glasses. Meanwhile outside
-scary fangirl Dolores wonders what went wrong
-banker girl Holly considers Karen an odd choice , which is odd since they look like Botox twins
-Rachel tells us she has everything but a man
Tune in next week for
- “Jesse’s Hot” said a few more hundred times .
-The return of the Hot Tub ( Woo Hoo)
- The reveal of the fact there is a Mole
- Trish getting called a skanky ho for the first time ( this week)