Welcome to the Fort staff room . Since Paulie was on a mysterious assignment - (something to do with a former Survivor cutie) - I thought Iíd break into his locker and test out the old cracked crystal ball. Bah he hid it, and all I found was an old Jango Fett sno globe. Well whatever, Iíll give it a whirl and try and crack the air tight security around ďThe BachelorĒ. There in the swirling masses beyond Mace Windu I see our Jesse...
ah HA ! Well that explains the temporary reconnect to Bob at the ABC website. Things didnít go as planned. Jesse dumps all of the bachelorettes, as his imbedded spy feeds him too much negative info a la John Kerry. The dumpees all add/model/actress to their names( sanctioned by ABC as a consolation prize), while Jesse runs off with Chris Harrison. The NFL dumps Jesse by invoking the ďalpha maleĒ clause in his contract. Besides heís Canadian. Who ever heard of a kid from Ottawa who didnít play hockey anyway. Chris of course, is fired with a terse note from Mike Fleiss - do you think this is queer eye or what? He and Jesse only last til Chris pursues his true calling of programming the speech of Japanese robots - in Japan. No football there , Chris leaves while Jesse laments not playing baseball.
Suddenly Winona Ryder jumps out of the bushes. A media hound she hasnít slept with ! She latches on to our Jesse as Jeff Probst..... whaaa? Damn - Paulieís back, and the sno globe goes dim. I carefully replace it along with his hair trigger trap. Ha there is no crystal ball I say , but that's a secret just you and I will keep to ourselves.
Well my little Fortlettes, while you are here, Iíll spill the real story. We built fansofrealitytv on the same principle as field of dreams - build it and they will come. Same deal with the posts. If your former alumni know your pic is posted online, they will come . And they will rat you out.
Jesse Palmer , the backup QB for the sad NYGiants is ABCís new ďThe BachelorĒ (version 5 ,if you are keeping track). Was he sadly contemplating the horrid season he had, and decided to take a wife? Nah, as with most reality TV contestants , the offer came to his agent. With free agency looming , and not much actual football coming from his client , Iím sure Jesse was urged to take it. After all , who loves pseudo celebs more than Broadway? It might be his only chance at contract renewal.(See NY Rangers) A list of 24 ladies with bad dye jobs and with no real jobs ( except for an attorney, and an ever present pharmaceutical salesperson) was leaked to the press. Not to us , that will come. 24 you say ? It seems that the mole isnít just a bad show on FOX. Jesse has installed one in the Bachelorette house to report on the ďreal motivesĒ of the cast . Kirsten from Bach 3 are you watching ? Brilliant. Well sort of. All Bachelor/ette candidates have a strong media whore streak in them, I mean you get to be on TV, in a mansion , and you donít have to eat bugs or put up with not changing your clothes for a month. Your bad - they all have no serious intentions. I think she can at best scratch the surface. Still for a show gone stale , itís a great move. yay Mikey ..
Well - suddenly on the day that the mole story broke, we were in possession of the official bio pics of the cast including a mysterious Jenny - that no-one else seemed to have crammed under the Fort front door. Can you say moley moley mole? We posted her, the other bachelorettes , and sho-nuff the Gators ( Jesseís alma mater) came crawling out of the woodwork.
*** Spoiler for those who don't wanna know *****
The mole is Jenny DeLoach , a fellow Gator, with whom he shared academic and athletic awards on graduating. Whatís with the Jenny S then ? Well another Gator told us the mole was married to his best friend. His best friend is his former roomie Nick Schiralli. Another Gator told us Jenny was Mrs Schiralli. They met while sharing duties on the on the campus christian acedemic group. Awwww. I donít know about you , but I think this is really fun stuff. In my experience, a motivated good christian girl could suss out a ho after a buddy in about 30 seconds flat . Itís looking better and better for a good show. We thought TX Heather and her panty check was good stuff in B2 - this could well outdo even that.
So thatís the scoop on how the FoRT got the story. Sort of. If you want to join in the fun with us you can find us here along with the pics and bios . Sher and I will again be co- capping if I can drag her away from that evil AI. Oh well better that than Forever Eden I guess. We better get out of the staff room before John comes in and catches us here...
Any more dirt, Gator related or otherwise firstname.lastname@example.org. See you in the forum. I was just kidding about Winona Ryder and Chris ya know. Bachelor Jesse starts April 7 on ABC