This week’s countdown to Trista and Ryan’s big day takes place at the Le Meridien Resort on the island of St. Martin where the couple meets up with friends and family for blowout bachelor and bachelorette parties! It really sounds like it should be exciting, right? Well, hold on to your hats, because though it should have been, it wasn’t.

On the beach are the buds waiting for the bride and groom to arrive. They show up via life raft and are welcomed with open arms. Trista heads quickly to her father to make sure all the problems from last week have been forgotten and to ask him to walk her down the isle. He tears up, hugs her and gladly accepts.

Back to the beach party, all of Ryan’s hot friends (which oddly includes Bachelor Bob and Creepy Russ from The Bachelorette fame) and all of Trista’s hot friends (which includes Shannon from The Bachelor I) are drinking and having a good time getting to know each other – except for Jackie, Trista’s stepsister, who is sitting off to the side by herself, literally wallowing in her misery. Trista’s dad takes her for a walk on the beach, where she breaks down in tears because she’s so much younger than everyone else and no one is talking to her. Dad manages to calm Jackie down and she returns to the party to get drunk with the rest of them.

After the meet and greet at the beach, everyone heads back to the resort to get cleaned up for the night’s festivities. But before heading into the couple’s shower that is being thrown for Ryan and Trista, Trista’s and Ryan’s dads tell them that they have another surprise for them – the moms are in St. Martin for the party! Down the stairs walk Trista’s mom and stepmom and Ryan’s mom to join the group. Before all the requisite hugs have been passed out, Trista’s stepmom whips out a 2 page document listing questions that the parents have compiled that they want answered, including reasonable things such as – “Where is the wedding?” Trista can’t tell anyone anything and Ryan seems bored, so the parents decide to hold the grand inquisition the following day instead. The group gets up and heads into the dining room to meet all the rest of their friends and family for dinner, drinks and the love and lust shower!

At the shower, Chris, Ryan’s brother and best man, stands up to propose a toast. It’s a lovely toast and he presents the couple with a plaque telling Ryan how much he loves him and welcoming Trista to the fam. His toast brings tears to both Ryan’s and Trista’s eyes. Oh so many tears already and sooooooo many more to go.

We don’t get to see many of the shower gifts, but we are allowed to see that Ryan has a jerk of a friend named Ben who is constantly flipping off the cameras. Ben is already starting to stir up trouble by acting like an infant when he gets bored of watching the couple open gifts. At the shower, Bachelor Bob plays host to a quick game of newlyweds, which brings Ben to say, “What the hell is this Bob guy doing acting like he’s host? He’s not even one of Ryan’s oldest friends! It should be one of us (and by us, he means himself) up there running things!” After what seems like a moment to me, but must have seemed like an eternity to A.D.D. inflicted Ben, the shower is over and everyone is off to put on their party wear!

At Ryan’s bash, the beer bongs are out and the first round of strippers appears. After watching the guys in the stripper room dwindle down to Ryan and only 3 of his friends, I learn that against popular belief, men don’t like strippers. Yeah right. My guess is that men don’t like strippers when being filmed for a national television show that they know all of their wives, mothers and sisters will be watching. After a lap dance for Ryan by a couple of the strippers, while three of his friends looked on like pervs in a porn shop, Ryan gets up and goes to the railing of the cabana they are partying and in and sees the rest of his guys standing out on the beach talking to each other.

In the strangest turn of events, Ryan begins begging – yes, begging for the guys to come back in to the party and to not leave him alone. He gets so upset that he sits down and starts begging for help from his friends while big fat tears stream down his cheeks. Jerkoff Ben comes up to the visibly upset Ryan and in classic assh**e form says, “I love it when you’re this drunk.” Ugh.

After the guys get Cryin Ryan calmed down, the second wave of strippers hits the cabana. This time, none of the guys leave poor helpless Ryan and it seems like the party is in full swing when…

Two of the strippers take Ryan by the hand and lead him down the beach away from the party for a little private action. They tell him that his girlfriend will understand that it’s his bachelor party. Uh… where I’m from, that doesn’t mean a nonconsequential threesome with strippers. He fends them off for awhile, when 2 of his friends swoop in for the save. And now the second strange turn of events – Ryan, upon getting back to the cabana rips off his microphone and storms off yelling, “This is my LIFE!

On the lighter side of the night, we join Trista at her bachelorette party. Her matron of honor places a tiara and veil on her head, gets Trista sloppy drunk and give her a list of dares that she has to complete by party’s end. Trista completes them all including writing her married name on the bum of some guy in lipstick, doing a body shot on another, getting some other guy to take off his undies, another has to dive in the pool and Trista has to take a pic with some guy’s bare ass. It’s all in good fun and the ladies are having a blast – which is in direct contrast to the mood at the men’s party.

After all the male strippers have come to dance for Trista and all the tequila has been downed, the girls decide it’s time to meet back up with the men. Bad idea. Once they hit the guys party, drunk Trista learns that drunk Cryin Ryan had bailed about 20 minutes prior to their arrival. Trista gets very upset knowing that Ryan is very upset – and I’m sure she’s wondering if Ryan has left her and all her pink high maintenance ways to kick back with a couple of strippers, so she storms off. In the opposite direction of Ryan.

We see Trista head into a restroom back at the hotel, and the classy cameramen make sure they turn the mic volume up so we can hear her sobbing. Meanwhile, Ryan is wandering around St. Martin, petting dogs and wiping his tears. After 2 hours, he heads back to his bachelor party. Everyone greets him, glad to see he is ok, except Ben. Of course, Brilliant Ben says, “Oh Ryan… I’m SO glad you could rejoin your FRIENDS at YOUR party TWO hours after you leave!” Yeah, ok… so maybe he’s got a point. But he’s such a jerk!!

Ryan hears from everyone that Trista ran out of the party crying, so he headed for the hotel to find her. He waits outside the restroom for her patiently. She finally comes out, walks right up to him, throws her arms around him and doesn’t say a word. It was actually quite a moment. Maybe they really do have something…

Tune in next Wednesday for the pinkest wedding in the history of pink weddings!

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