It’s Babytalk for Bachelor Bob! – The Bachelor Finale Recap
*(co-written by Eny and Sher)
Well, Sher and I began this really excited that this would be “the most dramatic Bachelor ever”. At the end, I think we’ll both scream if anyone says “most dramatic” or “connection” ever again. Some folks had a drinking game going. Good idea! I was silly enough to just have coffee while watching when I should have had a bottle of rum and straw. Luckily Sher and I are trading off this week and I only have to pay attention for an hour.
Ten Minutes of my life are spent waiting for the show to begin while they rehash the whole damn show from beginning to end. Why not just last week guys? Never mind. When I’m about to die someday, I’m phoning ABC for those ten minutes back – I swear. I wake up at the magic words “most dramatic” blah blah at the end of the droning.
Bob says he has “the toughest decision of his life” to make. Gee Bob do you really talk like that in real life, or are you reading this crap from cue cards? Estella reads her cue card , and it says she has met her “soul mate”. KJ JUST wants Bob to tell her that he loves HER. KJ, I don’t think the cue cards said that. You should have said “ I came on the show to find love, and I found it with Bob” That little ‘tude doesn’t fit in with the meek bachelorette script.
Bobs summer home is in Long Lake Michigan. I wasn’t clear on whether Bob had his own spread, or whether it was the Guiney family compound. Bob has a picnic waiting for Estella when she shows up. She says she’s excited to meet Mom & Dad. She then tells Bob to “follow his heart”, and that “whatever happens is meant to be”. It’s hard to fit that many clichés into one sentence in real life. The Cue card guy must follow you around. Bob liked it though, and claims that Estella “allowed me to talk to her.” ( Huh?) She did all of the talking, but whatever. He was only smooching. Estella rounds out the talk with a solid “with my brains and your good looks we make a great pair”. They make a mad getaway to Bob’s parents place in a senior citizen’s best mode of water transport – a pontoon boat.*snore*
At Bob (Senior) and Nora’s , we also meet Dee Dee, JD and Jack the kid. I note that K- Jo will fit in better than Estella in the cutesy name department. I don’t trust Nora’s mom radar, as she originally picked out Kristi (whose best attribute was “singing and dancing and being able to cross both eyes, one at a time”), Karin (who was a perfect bachelorette Barbie) and yee gods – Lee Ann!
Mom tells Bob that Estella is gorgeous. They then exclaim over the fact that Estella is also a mortgage broker. Bob claims they only chat about interest rates & such. Yeah right Bob, have you forgotten that Estella deals in Beverly Hills where folks usually pay cash and don’t care much about interest rates?
Bob retells the story about Estella’s hand on her heart trick the first night, and her subsequent trip on the stairs. They all tee hee . I’m thinking, “very nice move Estella , that got you your first rose and brand recognition. You may have won the first night.” Sister DeeDee married after 3 weeks, and Mom and Dad after 6 months. They don’t have to ask the “are you moving too quickly?” question obviously. Estella blurts out “ I want SOOOO many kids”. Ah HA , Unlike Mary, she kept that ace up her sleeve. Bob is nowhere around when she’s telling Mom this, so she can’t scare him off. Estella then says if Bob dumps her, she’ll “miss” his family. Creepy. You met them once and you’ll miss them? Mom says they can stop now as far as she’s concerned.
Meanwhile in Beverly Hills Kelly- Jo does the first of the three infomercials that buys the engagement rings for the show. As we well know, the guy always picks the ring anyway , so it is just a 2 minute spot for Harry Winston. If anyone cares, she picks cushion cut.
Back at the lake, the Guineys are quizzing Estella on whether she would move. She looks at them and thinks I live in Beverly Hills and you want me to move to Michigan? She coyly mumbles something about “in the moment” and changes the subject. “You guys are amazing” she says and gives the laugh. They still like her even after that laugh. When she leaves, they all rave about her. Bob says he’s a train wreck, and threatens that he can just walk away.
Before we can catch a breath, its day two and time for Kelly Jo. Bob enters on a jet ski ready for some fun. Man, if I were Estella, I’d be pissed. Jet skis are way more fun than a pontoon boat. Just why did he treat Estella like an 80 year old again? KJ gets the picnic routine followed by a jet ski run where she dumps him off the back. Bob says that she brings out a different side of him, and puts him in a great mood. I’m confused. Does this mean day one with Estella was a downer?
After their tear on the lake, Bob takes K-JO to meet the family. She walks in and hugs dad and little Jack. We never see little Jack after the first 5 minutes of them being there on either day. Do they put him a kennel with the dogs? Bob says they set a bachelor record with their first night lip- lock. I never heard this. Is there a Bachelor section in the Guinness book or something? Dee Dee throws some sisterly eye daggers at this revelation.
Really early in KJ’s visit with the Guineys, is Estella’s infomercial with Harry Winston. She picks round cut.
Back at Chez Guiney, Dad takes KJ for a walk around the grounds. Dad really likes her, and notes her personality reminds her of Bob’s. Not too many impress Bob Sr., (but he said the almost the same thing to Estella). When they return they sit to grill KJ for a bit. They tell her how pretty her eyes are. JD wants to know how “the families” will get along. Strange question, as in-laws don’t often interact except at birthday parties and such. Did they demand the same question of him I wonder or is he a Mafia kid?
Bob notes the age difference, but adds its well within the range of what’s acceptable “here”. Very interesting - do tell. Unfortunately, we don’t find out what that little tidbit means. Too bad, as that’s the most interesting thing I’ve heard all night. Sis notes that KJ brings out his fun loving side, and that her energy is contagious.
Kelly Jo leaves with the “thank you for making such an incredible man” parting shot. Bob SR says if you don’t like her you are an idiot.
KJ has her confessional in which she utters the reality TV words of doom “my heart is telling me I’m getting a rose”. That probably means she won’t. Mom says KJ didn’t try and get to know her. Strike two. The whole family then nags the crap out of Bob, which is of course what families are for. Bob is whining a bit saying he doesn’t know if he’s capable of anything. Bob calls them all Dr Phil. Since Bob and Oprah are such good buds, if this doesn’t work out there is a huge chance one or all of them will end up on Dr Phil, so Bobby may not be far off. They nag for a bit more, then Nora ends it by saying I want a curly headed grandson. She so missed out by not meeting Mary.
All this whining is giving me a headache. I hope Sher is fresh for Hour # 2.
Well, here I am, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m ready to run down hour 2. Let me begin by saying, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRIIIII IIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG! Ok, now that that is off my chest, let’s get on with the final hour of the most dramatic Bachelor yet! (whatever.)
After the home town dates Bob goes back to his bachelor pad in Malibu. The first night back, Estella heads over to the Bachelor pad for her last date. She comes bearing dessert. Let’s hope she’s been reading up on her “1001 Clichés That Will Never Leave You At A Loss For Words.” Bob looks really sad this night. Estella looks at him and tells him to “follow his heart” and “don’t worry, be happy” and to “stop overthinking everything.” Well good, plenty of clichés to go round. They make pizza and kiss a little. While sitting eating pizza, she asks him how he feels about her. He hems and haws and gives her no answer while she makes these odd faces subconsciously to him. They drink a little more champagne and the date ends. Bob, again, tells us he’s screwed.
The next night is KJ’s turn for her final date. She knocks on the door bearing pie and curly, curly hair. In fact, her hair looks just like Bob’s sans sideburns! It’s not so good, but he thinks she looks sexy. They are grilling steaks and drinking beer and just enjoying their time together. Bob proclaims that he may not be a great cook, but he’s a master of the outdoor grill. Shortly after this self proclamation of greatness, he drops his glass and manages to knock the top of the habachi on the ground as well. The steaks are burned, Bob smells like he’s been smoked for Thanksgiving, and the couple decides to dine on Bud Light for the night. And pie. She brought pie.
After drinking their dinner, KJ and Bob cuddle on the floor together and stroke each other’s hands and look longingly into each other’s eyes. KJ feels confident that she will be the last one standing. Bob feels confident that he’s going to have to haul ass before confronting either of these girls for the final rose ceremony. After a lot of cuddling and kissing, KJ leaves for the night. Bob, again, tells us he’s screwed.
After a night’s sleep at the pad, he wakes up, gets dressed and heads towards Harry Winston for the third of three infomercials. After almost vomiting at the sheer prospect of giving one of these ladies a ring, he finally decides on the cushion cut – which just so happens to be the ring KJ chose, as well as the ring Harry Winston must have overstocked, as they pushed it to all three people on this show.
The women are at their hotel rooms putting on their best dresses after a night of tossing and turning. Both women feel sure that she will get the final rose. Really, it’s tough to watch at this point. Back at the bachelor pad, Bob is in the deliberation room, talking to RoboChris about his final rose. He said that when he picked the ring, he knew which woman he would be giving it to. Bob says that he hates having to break up with one of the ladies tonight, because he knows that she loves him – and she told him so. (Bye bye, KJ.) Chris nods stupidly and leads Bob out to stand by the oceanside podium.
After about 2 day’s worth of commercials, we finally see the limos driving up to the house. RoboChris heads to the door and opens it for the first lady – and Kelly Jo steps out. She’s got a red dress on, her hair is straight and she looks awesome. He leads her down to the podium and I want to punch Bob in the face.
Bob tells her he likes her, enjoyed his time with her, was so glad he met her, then says, “HOWEVER.” At this point, KellyJo’s face turns to pure rage. I’m glad she held it together and didn’t break down in front of him. And as he continued babbling, it was obvious that she wanted to get out of there. Bob took her by the hand and led her back to the limo. I was sad to see KJ go, but hey… Bob’s loss.
The second limo drives up and Chris helps Estella out. She won’t budge from the side of the limo for a moment, then RoboChris takes her by the hand. She coos “I’m skeeered, Cwissy!” He gives her a pacifier and her banky and leads her down the stairs to Bob. She stands in the winner’s spot, to the right of the bachelor. Bob tells her he likes her, enjoyed his time with her, was so glad he met her – didn’t we just hear him give this same speech to Kelly?!! However, his next word wasn’t however. He took out the cushion cut diamond that KJ preferred and asked her to wear it as a promise ring on her right hand! (Atta boy! If they are going to dole out the dough for the diamond and you aren’t ready to propose, at least you’re allowing her to wear the thing, unlike Alex who put the rock back in his pocket after teasing Amanda with it!) Estella cries and hugs him and forces the too small ring over her right ring finger. They kiss and it all ends happily ever after. *snore*
Tune in tonight to see “After the Rose” (or something like that), where we will get to see Bob, Estella and Kelly Jo, together for the first time since the most dramat…. ahhh screw it. I’m just glad it’s over. Thanks to Eny for suffering through the first hour!
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And Bob… don’t call us. We’ll call you.
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