The Bachelor Episode 3 - "Bachelor Bob and the Bawling Babes"
The words of Lindsay (with the curly hair) ring in my ears this week as I so clearly remember her parting words, “If Bob wants to be with a girl like Lee-Ann, then I’m definitely not the girl for him.” No, that wasn’t it. Maybe it was, “I can’t believe he gave Lee-Ann a rose!!!” Yeah, that was it! Me neither, sister! But he did, and thus begins the saga of Loser Lee-Ann and the Bitter Bachelorettes. (I’m beginning to believe that all of the rats and spiders reported to be in the girls’ house followed Lee-Ann there. They were probably her faithful companions.) Anyway, let’s get this show on the road.
Bob dives into his eternity pool at the bachelor pad. Now, here’s a man on TV in nothing but a bathing suit and I can’t get past his sideburns. This is not good. Bob – enough with the burns. Not your bag, baby.
It was a bright and sunny day. 10 ladies were lounging around the bachelorette house in their best casual chic attire. All the sequined gowns were tucked away for the day, but full hair and makeup were alive and well. Then Chris shows up and tells the ladies to get downstairs for what would be yet another “surprise twist” this season. All the ladies trudge to the living room and take their seats around the big white ottoman. Chris says that instead of the normal way of picking which two women will be joining Bob on the solo dates, this time the women will vote. The women are appalled and I can’t figure out why. They will be voting in the next room away from all the other women, so what’s the big deal? Each of the women is instructed to vote for the one they believe to be most compatible for Bob and the one least compatible. Oh – and no one is allowed to vote for herself. So again I ask, what’s the big deal?
Meredith gets up and wanders into the other room to vote. She votes for Brooke as the BestforBob because she says Brooke’s the sweetest girl in the house. Her WorstforBob vote goes to Lee-Ann because she’s “immature.” Next to vote is Lee-Ann. She throws the BestforBob vote to Mary because “she’s spiritual and fun to be with.” WorstforBob votes goes to Brooke because according to Lee-Ann Brooke has become a little “snappy.” Well, if Brooke is snappy, Lee-Ann, then there are NO words to describe you… oh wait… I can think of one, but I believe it would probably be censored if I chose to use it. I’ll just say it rhymes with “bitch” and leave it at that.
Next to vote is Mary. She votes Antoinette as BestforBob and let me interject here, why does everyone pronounce Antoinette like “Antunnet?” Maybe it’s just me… WorstforBob goes to Lee-Ann. The word immature is becoming synonymous with Lee-Ann in this episode.
Now here is where the weirdness comes in to play. When Lee-Ann came back from voting and Mary entered the voting room, all of a sudden, the living room became PMS central! I mean waterworks! For some reason all of the women in the room break down and start crying! Well, other than Lee-Ann, Misty and Meredith. The three of them are sitting there with shocked looks on their faces as the other seven women sob. Strange bunch of women! However, it made me laugh, so I can appreciate the unexpected and unexplained tears.
Next crybaby to vote is Jenny who tosses a BestforBob to Estella and a WorstforBob to Antunnet because “she doesn’t smile enough to be with Bob.” Jenny completes her vote and walks out of the room simply sobbing. Sobbing for Bobby. I like it.
Antunnet goes to vote and this girl is really devastated. She is crying so hard that she can’t even talk! She is choking!! At this point, I realize that there must have been some information withheld from the TV viewers in editing… like say, the girl voted WorstforBob would be taken out and immediately stoned by the remaining 9 women. Now THAT’S good TV! She throws a vote to Mer and a stone at Lee-Ann… because she’s too immature or something. I don’t really know because I couldn’t understand her through the bawling.
That’s all of the votes we get to see, when Chris reenters the living room to tell the ladies that the votes have been tallied and the woman selected as most compatible will soon be receiving a date box. Oh, and by the way, Chris informs the group of another twist. As if on cue, tears spring up in the corners of each of the ladies’ eyes. The second twist will be that the woman voted WorstforBob will be receiving the second individual date. Groans all around. Thanks and good night.
Later that day, the first date box arrives. It’s a giant sea shell filled with goodies and a card inviting BestforBob Meredith out for a date alone with Bobby. Here’s where Jenny chimes in (ever the fairness queen) claiming how unfair it is that Meredith gets to have a solo date with Bob. HELLO! JENNY! Have you NEVER watched this show before?!! This is how it WORKS. Some women get individual dates, other women get to go on dates in groups of five. Deal with it!!
Lee-Ann deals with it in her own personal way… by hogging more confessional time to tell the camera how she knows she’s compatible with Bob and she can tell this “whether I’m by myself or with the others.” Ok, then Lee-Ann. Good for you.
An hour before date time, Meredith is getting ready and the phone rings. It’s a call for her. She runs down the stairs to the phone, with all the other women tagging along, believing it to be a call from Bob. However, it’s Mer’s mom calling to tell her that her grandmother passed away that day. Mer’s mom doesn’t sound too terribly upset. (Must have been the mother-in-law.) However, this is where more waterworks come into play. This time it even got to me. Poor Meredith lost her grandmother! Her mother ensures her that she needs to stay and enjoy her time there – that the family could cope without her.
Meredith breaks down and all the girls are there to support her. But how sad! None of these women are really even her friends. They do a nice job as substitute friends, though, by helping her get dressed and doing her hair and makeup. When “hasn’t-got-a-clue-that-something-big-went-down-Bob” arrives at the house, all of the ladies are sitting in the living room to send Meredith on her date. Bob greets them all but answers a hesitant “uh… I will” when instructed to “take care of her.”
As soon as the limo door closes behind Mer and Bob, she tells him her grandmother died that day. He’s stumped, but you can tell he does his best to make her feel better. And he does the coolest thing, in my opinion, by admitting that he’s really shocked and overwhelmed by her loss and hasn’t a clue what to do. Nice! I can appreciate a man being able to admit that rather than thinking he has all the answers. Yes, that just clued you in to the kind of men I’ve always dated.
In the limo on the way to the beach, Bob asks Meredith if she likes horses. Meredith quickly responds, “No.” Bob retorts, “How do you feel about ducks?” Meredith doubles over with laughter. He was informing her that his questions have nothing to do with their date, but rather he was just polling her opinions on animals. As the limo arrives at the beach, we see 2 horses saddled up and waiting. Apparently, Bob was not just taking a poll. Though Mer doesn’t have an affinity for horses, she saddles up just fine. She and Bob were supposed to be taking a romantic ride together on the beach at sunset, but Bob’s horse has a different idea and an attitude, so most of the ride is spent with Bob staring at the ass of Mer’s horse.
After the ride, they kick off their shoes, roll up their jeans and walk through the surf until they reach this amazing sand castle sculpture. It’s huge and littered with rose petals and candles. In the middle of it all is a table set for 2. Nicely done, Bachelor producers! However, as an appetizer, they have raw oysters… another thing Mer doesn’t particularly enjoy. But ever the sport, she downs it like a champ. The couple really look like a couple. After their meal, they snuggle beneath a blanket and cuddle and kiss and talk and laugh. Bob tells us that kissing Meredith makes you feel like you’re being kissed for the first time. Here’s hoping that he didn’t actually kiss like an amateur. I imagine lots of slobber and too much tongue.
When Mer arrives home, she tells the camera that Bob was the perfect person to get her through such a tragic day. Bob lets us know that Meredith is getting to him in a good way.
During this romantic date on the beach, back at the house things were less than kosher. All the women seemed to be sitting around the table having a good time when Lee-Ann breaks in with an abrupt, “I wasn’t TALKING to YOU, Jenny! Had I been talking to YOU, I would have said ‘JENNY!’” See, Lee-Ann was pulling a Kirsten and informing the women that she wasn’t there to make friends or play nice – she was there to get the guy. Now, I don’t want to defend Jenny, as she, too, bugs the bujeebus out of me, but the way I saw it, Jen was actually trying to be sympathetic and understanding to Lee-Ann while stating that she was doing the same; however, she was going to try and consider the feelings of the other girls in the house.
Lee-Ann blew up at them all, telling them that they were jealous because she and Bob had a “real” connection. (So, when does this stoning the WorstforBob begin? I’ve got a boulder I’d like to lend the ladies to lunge at Loser Lee-Ann.) Getting up from the table and going into the kitchen, Lee-Ann continues her tirade, prompting ever so sweet Estella to say to Lee-Ann that she can yap as much as she likes and the other women in the house will accept her for the self centered psychopath that she really is. And let me tell you, Estella said it with sincerity and a smile. This stumps Lee-Ann and she leaves the kitchen. You GO, Estella!
The second date box arrived while Mer was on her date. Instead of revealing the woman that was voted WorstforBob, the box is filled with 3 sets of silky pajamas, a microphone and an invitation for Mary, Misty and Kelly Jo to join Bob on a group date a la pajama party.
The next day, the three women put on their skivvies and wait for Bob to arrive… which he does in silk pj bottoms and a black shiny t-shirt with an open robe. They pile into a limo and head to the karaoke bar which has a HUGE bed in the center of the room. The four of them are like kids and all run to the bed and pile on. I can already tell these guys are going to have a good time – group date notwithstanding.
The bar is closed from the public and the group is downing goodies from the kitchen while flipping through notebooks of prospective songs to sing. First up on stage are Bob and Mary singing Journey’s “Open Arms.” Bob sounds good. Mary – eh? Not so good… but Bob and the girls throw her kudos nonetheless. Misty and Kelly Jo do the expected “Girl’s Just Want To Have Fun” and Bob closes it down with a solo performance.
Throughout the evening, Bob takes the women off to “speak” with them individually. First to wander off with him is Misty, who ends her makeout session with a couple of lovely pirouettes as she rejoins the others. Next to break away with Bob is Kelly Jo. They are off mugging down long enough to prompt Misty and Mary to go searching for them. Quickly, the two sit up, straighten their pajamas and start thinking of asexual things like their grandmothers and baseball (Go Marlins!!) We don’t get to see his alone time with Mary, but I suspect it happened and their were kisses. The date ends with all four in a group hug. They had a great time and it was nice to see the women enjoying each other rather than – MEOW!
Back at the house, another date box arrives. This time it’s presented a little differently. An odd man knocks on the bachelorette house door, where Karin answers it. She looks out to see the odd man standing behind the date box pedestal. On the pedestal is a suitcase. He says with very little feeling, “What’s in this box is worth a million,” then gets in his car and drives away. Ooookay.
Karin takes the box in the house and calls the girls around to join her for the opening. Inside the box is a gorgeous gown and an invitation for the lady voted least compatible for Bob – Lee-Ann. The women are visibly disgusted and Lee-Ann is gloating. She tells us in confessional that the ladies tried to keep her from her Bob, but it backfired.
This is where the show ends. This truly WAS the most shocking rose ceremony ever! The lack of rose ceremony filled me with shock and awe! (Yeah, i’ve been waiting to use that since the second gulf war began.) Tune in next week to find out how Lee-Ann’s date with Bob goes and hopefully for that stoning.
If you have questions or comments or Bob’s cell phone number, please don’t hesitate to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Tune in next week for more of Babe-alicious Bob, Lee-Ann’s antics and an awesome recap from eny!
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