The Bachelor Episode 1 - Leaner, Meaner and Lookin’ for Love
The ladies of America begged and ABC brought him back – the man that isn’t as smooth as Alex, who isn’t as attractive as Aaron, who isn’t as rich as Andrew – Bachelor Bob! And Bob is hands down a million times the man as those shmoes rolled together. Since appearing in only three episodes of “The Bachelorette,” where Trista left him high and dry, Bob has taken the nation by storm and become somewhat of a superstar. Everywhere he goes, all the guys want to be his buddy and all the women want to be his wife.
When announced that Bob would be the upcoming bachelor, thousands of tapes from women everywhere came flooding into ABC. (I guess MY tape got lost in the mail!) For the first time, the women were going into the house already having a crush on the bachelor. The thousands of applicants were narrowed down and the favorites flown to LA to go through rigorous screenings including psychological evaluations, blood tests, personality interviews and the ever popular “peeing in a cup.” After a few days, the field is narrowed down to twenty-five.
But before we meet the women, first let’s learn a little more about Bob. He was born and raised in South Detroit, Michigan. He was the son of a preacher man… No, no wait. That’s not right. He was the son of police man, Bob Sr. and mother, Nora with one sister, Dee Dee. He was always athletic, and by high school, he was captain of the football team and class president. After high school, he went on to play football for Michigan State until he suffered a knee injury. Always liking to perform, he formed a successful local band with some friends called Fat Amy. He graduated from college with a degree in Communication (Now, I have a degree in Communication as well, Bob. See how much we have in common?) and married his college sweetheart. Later Bob went into the mortgage business with a long time friend of his that clearly took pity on him and his piddly Communication degree, as he had no prior experience. Long hours and the rigors of starting up a new business took its toll on Bob’s marriage, which ended in divorce, leaving Bob feeling like a failure. However, despite the amicable end of his marriage, Bob is still looking for that special woman to share his life with. And who knows… maybe she’s one of the twenty-five waiting.
Let’s meet the lucky ladies! This year instead of meeting the women as they get ready at the hotel prior to going to the bachelor house, we get to see many of the chosen women in their hometowns. The show hand delivered balloons, a rose and champagne to the door of the lucky ladies as they screamed and danced in delight. Oh you should have seen it! But since you didn’t, we’ll just move on to the details.
First was Lindsay from South Carolina – she’s the Lindsay with the curly hair. She’s 25 and is in drug sales. Yes, the legal kind. Next was the lovely and Spanish speaking 35-year-old Sales Manager, Mary from Tampa, Florida. She tells us she’s not desperate. Yes. I’m sure you’re not. This is Bob. We all understand the allure. Third up is Radio Promotions Assistant, Misty. She’s 24 and the typical Dallas girl. And I can say that because I’m from Dallas. She’s a bottle blonde who is first seen pulling her pants up over her thong. Nice introduction. She talks about this being as good a way as any to meet a man. 4th up is 26-year-old, Darla, an attorney from Gainesville, Florida. She says her life is full and rich, but she doesn’t have anyone in it to love. I like Darla.
Karin is next and she’s a 32-year-old drop dead gorgeous Mortgage Consultant from Minnesota. (Oh you may have mortgage in common with Bobby, but it’s the Communication degree that will make him mine! Wait! What do you mean I wasn’t on the show!?) After Karin, we meet Stacey, a 27-year-old hair stylist from Ohio. She doesn’t impress me. Next up is 30-year-old Dallas Marketing Manager, Jenny. Her accent is toooooooo much. And again, I’m a native of Dallas. I can bag on the Texas twang if I want. Speaking of accents, next up is Shae, a Louisiana firefighter with a great face and beautiful body, but a southern drawl like you’ve never heard. Lanah is a 27-year-old Event Coordinator from Maryland. She’s got great dimples, but her personality doesn’t do much for me. Though she wants to marry Bob, so maybe I’ll cut her some slack.
Soooo, moving on…to this season’s scary bachelorette, Heather. Heather who is trying on wedding dresses for some unknown reason in her “get to know you” footage. She’s a 24-year-old Administrative Assistant from Ohio that is clearly ready to settle down with any guy that has a tux. Antoinette is a 31-year-old Senior Account Manager from PA. She’s an older looking woman who has spent a lot of time on the treadmill and in the tanning bed. She thinks she’ll make a good wife because she likes to “mother” people. Now, I don’t know about you, but that sounds like the qualifications of a good …well – mother. Now we meet 26-year-old elementary school teacher from California, Jenn. She refers to herself as Jenny Guiney. Yeah, that’s enough to make me want to vomit.
Moving right along…24 year old Washington Retail Buyer, Lauren, describes her perfect wedding, the dress, the cake, her flowers, her hair, the train… and never once mentions Bob. Wow. You’re 24. Time to get a life. Step away from the romance novels!! Christine, 24-year-old Administrative Assistant from California could share this season’s psycho girl slot with Heather, as she tells us that she would make the perfect wife because she would be a “servant.” Feminists around the world let out a collective groan. Meredith is much better. She’s a 30-year-old makeup artist from Ohio who has the makings of a supermodel and an obvious sense of humor. Kristi is a 24-year-old Loan Processor from Chicago. She’s a bottle blonde with a bottled tan and a bold and outrageous personality. She is this season’s “Tina Fabulous” though “Kristi Fabulous” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
And of course, what is “The Bachelor” without a Brooke? This season’s Brooke is a 24-year-old 6th grade teacher from Tennessee. She was a sorority girl and she opens her eyes far too wide. Straight-haired Lindsay is a 23-year-old LA Clippers Dancer. Her hair color is off. It’s just not right. And I can’t get past it. But she says she doesn’t like to get involved in gossip and catfights, so that’s good. Some advice, stay away from the sorority girls [see Brooke]. Next are 25-year-old twins, Samentha and Leona, Kitchen Designer and Realtor’s Assistant, respectively, from Chicago. According to them, one is a nag and the other is not. But I’m guessing they won’t be around long enough to find out which is which. Now on to 29-year-old Account Executive, Julie, from Kentucky. She doesn’t mention Bob in her intro either, but talks about competition and winning. Yes, that’s a good reason to be on the show. Because you’re competitive. Someone get this girl a Fear Factor application!
26-year-old, Drug Sales Rep, way-too-serious-Shelley from Wisconsin is next. She wants to know what makes Bob tick. She says she doesn’t care about the sense of humor. Wow. That’s all I have to say about that. Lovely Estella from California is 28 and a Mortgage Broker. She’s great looking. She’s funny. She’s not a blonde. I’m shocked. Lee-Ann describes herself as “witty, smart, cute, with a good head on my shoulders.” She says she’s a “catch.” She’s a 25-year-old 2nd grade teacher from North Carolina and she has a look in her eyes that says “I could be cute… I could be crazy.” And last up is Kelly Jo from Michigan. She’s 23, a Marketing Executive and has a Kelly Clarkson quality about her in looks, body and personality. Plus, she’s got the home field advantage, as she’s the only girl in the group that’s in bachelor Bob’s backyard.
The ladies head to hair and makeup, then put on their prom wear for the big day! They are placed in groups of five and get into the limos to head to Bachelor Bob’s Bighouse. A lot of the women comment as they are getting ready that they didn’t expect to have such competition. Lee-Ann says, “I don’t know that I was expecting twenty-four trolls, but I know I wasn’t expecting twenty-four 10s!”
On the ride to the bachelor pad, the girls don’t have that normal, somber vibe about them. Instead it’s like a lineup of limos filled with women heading to a bachelorette party at a male strip club… and the main attraction is Bob! There is clapping and chanting of “Bob! Bob! Bob!” as the ladies clink their glasses of champagne. As the first group arrives at the house, Bob is standing outside. The women are banging on the windows of the car and screaming! Bob can’t help but laugh.
Because I’ve already introduced you to the women above, I will try to keep the getting-out-of-the-limo-and-meeting-Bob-for-the-first-time stuff short. I’ll try to just touch on the highlights. First out is Jenn. She’s tall and lanky and her dress just hangs from her shoulders for lack of curves to cling to. She can’t help but be overcome with giggles upon stepping out of the car. She tells Bob to forget the other 24 and just leave with her now. Then there are Misty and straight-haired Lindsay, both of whom make little impression. Darla steps out and yells, “Bob!! I finally get to meet BOB!” and last is Julie.
The second limo arrives. Lee-Ann and Christine look very cute, and it’s quickly revealed by Christine in confessional that she’s the season’s virgin. Next out are the drab twins, Samentha and Leona. Last out is Stacey. Nice dress, Stacey.
Third screaming limo drives up and the ladies are banging on the windows as they see Bob. First out is Kelly Jo and Bob seems to like her. Very much. Then comes soft talker, Shelley, and Southern belle, Shae. Then vibrant curly-haired Lindsay and lastly, Mary, who tosses out a little Spanish as she is introduced to Bob.
4th limo has more screaming and chanting ladies. First out is must-get-married Lauren. Then Estella steps out of the car – and she’s fantastic. Great smile, great dimples, great tactic for getting Bob’s attention. She leans in and tells him how nervous she is as she pulls his hand to her breast to feel her “heart” beating. Uh huh. Smooth move. As he helps her down the stairs so he won’t trip, her smile is wide. As soon as he lets go of her hand, she stumbles! It’s priceless… and a great way to get Bob to remember her. She curtseys to the onlooking ladies and joins them in the living room. Next out is Kristi with a red dress on. As she steps out of the limo, she looks at Bob and says, “Yeah, I’ll take one of you with nothin’ on it!” (I’m with you, Kristi!) Last out are Lanah and psycho Heather.
The last limo arrives. Out step Jenny and Antoinette, then the beautiful Karin. Fourth out is eyes-wide-open Brooke, and last out is the marvelous Meredith. After meeting all of the women, Chris Harrison, the host for the show (that I’ve previously avoided mentioning due to the fact that I find him annoying), steps up to Bob and tells him that he now has a couple of hours to go mingle with the women to figure out which fifteen he’ll be keeping and which ten he’ll be sending home.
As Bob heads towards the living room, the women begin yelling and chanting his name. This all has a rock star vibe to it. Instead of the stuffy, quiet room full of women to which we have become accustomed from previous episodes of “The Bachelor,” this room is alive! All of the women feel like they already know Bob so there is no need for him to break the ice. As expected, the women approach Bob to get some one-on-one time, often stealing him from each other. Kristi makes a good impression on Bob as he tells us that she’s got “attitude” which makes her fun to talk to. Unlike many of the others, Kristi does not seem to be all gaga over Bob. Instead, she just feels comfortable and that they might be able to form a connection. Mary continues to speak Spanish to Bob in order to set herself apart. She translates what she says to mean, “You have beautiful eyes and a wonderful personality” (or something to that effect), but I clearly thought I heard, “If you don’t pick me, don’t think I won’t cut you, man!” Maybe I was mistaken.
When Bob spends some time with Christine, you can tell that he thinks she’s cute, but before they are barely into the conversation, she blurts out, “I’ve never had a relationship last longer than 6 months and I’m saving myself for marriage!” What can Bob say? His response is, “That’s great!” She tells the camera, “I think men like to hear that.” I’m thinking, “Poor Christine.” Later, she lets us know that she thinks she’s a shoo in to get a rose this evening. Poor, poor delusional Christine.
Misty is mad when Estella steps up to steal Bob from her shared alone time. She said Estella “so rudely interrupted.” You would think that Misty had never seen this show! Bob seems really into Estella. Her early tripping worked for her, as when she gets up to leave, she coyly says, “Now watch me walk away.” Hubba hubba. Kelly Jo is the girl that upsets the group the most, when she pulls Bob away and walks him far from the others to gets some one-on-one. As they sit far from the house, Kelly Jo tells Bob that when she stepped out of the limo, she just wanted to grab him and make out with him! Then she proceeded to follow that up with, “So, do I get a kiss?” Bob says, “Sure,” and they lean in for a simple kiss. Bob responds with, “That was genius!” I’m guessing Kelly Jo just snagged herself a rose as well as the title of “Most Hated In The House.”
Pan back to the others and everyone is asking, “Where’s Bob?” They obviously can’t get enough of him. Jenn tells the camera that she can see herself as “Jenny Guiney” but that she might have to knock some girls out of the way in order to get the ring. Big eyed Brooke is sitting with the twins, who have done nothing to try to get some alone time with the bachelor. Brooke tells the twins, “I’m not the kinda girl that makes the first move.” All I can think is “Brooke, please drink some more champagne so those eyelids can get a bit heavy and make you look more normal.”
A little later, after Bob has made a few more mingling rounds then parked himself on the couch, HostChris comes into the room and tinks his spoon against a champagne glass to get everyone’s attention. The women begin to groan and tell Chris that it can’t be time for Bob to choose already. Chris assures them that they still have more Bob time, but that there’s a surprise for them – Bob’s mom, Nora, is joining the party. Bob puts his hands over his face and groans, but the women all yell “YAY!” Bunch of kiss ups. Bob gets up and introduces his mom and says he’s actually glad to see her. Nora begins sitting down with the ladies one-on-one and asking the pertinent questions like, “How old are you?,” “Have you ever been married?,” “Why are you on this show?,” and “Could you really marry Bob after only knowing him for 6 weeks?” She is a really classy and likable woman and the girls are kissing up to get on mom’s good side. After awhile, Lee-Ann tells the women in the living room, “I’ve GOT to go talk to Bob’s mom” and heads outside to find her. She pulls Nora aside and pleads, “You’ve got to help me. I’m not very aggressive. I’m old fashioned. I don’t think I’m going to get a rose. I’m not very aggressive.” Lee-Ann, I have to say that not only do I think you’re very aggressive, but I also think you are very repetitive. Very repetitive.
Bob interrupts the women and asks if he can have some time alone with his mom. The two sit outside and discuss the women. Nora tells Bob that she doesn’t care who he picks as long as he is happy, but when he prods her for her favorites, she offers up Kristi, Lee-Ann and Karin. They say their good-byes and Nora leaves Bob to the women. That has to be scary for a mom.
Throughout the evening, in confessionals Psycho Heather, who did nothing to get some alone time with Bob, might I add, continues to tell the camera, “Well, if I know Bob, and I think I do, then I know I’ll be getting a rose tonight.” Meanwhile, Lee-Ann is telling anyone that will listen, “I’m not getting a rose tonight. I’m not very aggressive.”
The time has come, and Chris tinks the glass again and tells Bob he has to leave the ladies. Bob says, “I’m not leaving Chris.” Chris doesn’t even break a smile when he says in the most morose of voices, “It’s time to go, Bob.” I swear it’s like Dead Men Walking right before the execution. I don’t like that Chris.
In the deliberation room, there’s more yada yada between Chris and Bob, but ultimately, it’s time for Bob to decide. Time passes, commercial breaks ensue, and the show is back on with Bob in front of the ladies. He gives a little speech, telling the women that “this process isn’t about guaranteeing anything, but rather hoping for everything.” Nice. Now on with the rose giving!
With many pauses and much ado, Bob chooses the following in this order: Kelly Jo, Lee-Ann, Misty, straight-haired Lindsay, Kristi, Mary, Jenn, Karin, Brooke, Estella, Antoinette, Meredith, Jenny, Lanah, and curly-haired Lindsay.
I feel terrible for Darla through the ceremony, as she has that deer in the headlights look going on. I also feel sorry for Bob in not choosing her, as I think she would have been a good catch.
After the roses are handed out, the women say their good-byes. PsychoHeather sets herself apart from the other women, then moments later has a complete meltdown on camera, doing her best Nancy Kerrigan impersonation of the “WHY??????? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy me?” and saying that she hated to have her heart broken on national television. Uh… Heather? You JUST met him. Just because you saw him on Oprah a couple of times and watched him on “The Bachelorette” doesn’t mean that you had a relationship with him. Southern belle Shae sheds a couple of tears, too, telling us that she just regrets not having enough time for Bob to get to know her. The 10 women that didn’t get roses leave the house, and the final 15 clink their glasses of champagne to celebrate their future possibilities with the best bachelor yet – Bob.
Tune in next week for more drinks, dates and poolside parties as Bob kisses the girls and makes them cry!
Also, next week we welcome back your favorite Bachelor recapper, Eny, to join me in the Boberific fun!
For questions or comments, or to send me Bob’s phone number, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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