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Thread: The Bachelorette Episode 4 - Happy Birthday to MEEEEEE!!!

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    Sep 2002
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    The Bachelorette Episode 4 - Happy Birthday to MEEEEEE!!!

    Eny- Well it’s a sad day at the frat house as they are cleaning out their socks from beneath the beer cans, and going their separate ways. Robohost warns ‘Rose Night’ is Trista’s birthday, and unless they want to give her a really easy boot, show up with a present. The boys go off to their respective Mommy’s and Daddy’s to prep them for Trista. They want to hide all the dorky pics and third grade art projects before she gets there.

    Sher- I’m yawning already at the beginning of this episode. First, Bobby is gone. Second, the guys won’t be living together anymore and even if they WERE, Ryan is too shy, Charlie is too busy primping, Russ is too emotionally fragile and Greg, well, Greg is just too damn good for Trista, so they wouldn’t be any fun to watch anyway. Anyway, on to the dates. If we must, we must….

    The First Family is Ryan’s in Vail, CO. Mountains, skiing, and rich folks are the main attractions. I’m sure at least one of those will interest our Miss T. You would think, huh?

    First stop is the firehouse to emphasize that Ryan is indeed a hunky firefighter. The guys at the fire hall seem to have been there a while because they swarm around her like a three alarm fire. Watch out girl! You know what it’s like when guys have been locked up without women for a long time. Ryan drags her away from the eager crew and gives her his ultimate girlfriend test – the fire pole. Well I think most gals would ride the pole for Ryan.

    Oh yeah, Ryan and his fire pole test. From what I saw, this wasn’t the first pole that Trista’s had her legs wrapped around. She was indeed a professional. So Trista, honey, if this whole Hollywood Celebrity thing doesn’t work out for you, I’m sure you could make some big bucks in the strip club circuit. …Just a thought. Now Eny, please continue.

    The eager crew prepares Trista a nice salad. They know she obviously doesn’t eat real food. The captain, uncomfortable with his crews, and Ryan’s attention on Trista, says he just wants things to go back to normal. It’s obvious they don’t get too many visitors. Ryan says the fire crew and Vail are a big part of him. He has seen how the fire crews work 24/7 in LA, and has no interest in going where he would have to put out a fire bigger than an overstuffed woodstove. After they leave, the captain says if it doesn’t work out, Ryan still has them. Sweet man, but I really think he should get out more.

    Oh, this is going to get me some grief, but I thought this was the softest, most sensitive bunch of firefighters I’ve ever seen!! In fact, I’m guessing that in between 3 alarm fires, the whole group of them sits in a circle and writes poetry! You know, it’s a bunch of firefighters for god’s sake! I want to see some sarcasm and ribbing, not hugging and “I love you, man’s!” I’m this close to revoking the man cards for the entire fire department of Vail!! So, what happens next?

    Ryan then takes Trista to the top of a mountain to a place called “Wedding Rock.” He gets out the mandatory wine and toasts “Here’s to living once and taking chances.” Trista looks like she’s waiting for the rest of the poem. No, all you get is a kiss, on a mountain with a hunky blue-eyed firefighter. Poor girl. (Yeah right)

    ”Here’s to living once and taking chances. He’s the fireman that sings and dances. When we’re not looking I’m sure he prances. Oh, here’s to living and taking chances!” Sorry, I couldn’t resist. As you were saying…

    They finally get to Mom and Dad’s. Mom is dressed like Trista’s twin. Ryan is really pleased about that, but I’m kind of creeped out about the whole thing. This is Colorado, so of course they quiz her on her skiing skills. Trista allows she can ski, but is a warm weather girl. Mom doesn’t think Ryan would like the city but thinks Ryan is falling for Trista. Dad doesn’t like this setup at all and wants things to be normal again. I’m getting the impression that Vail folk don’t like being shook up too much.

    I think you’re right about Vail folk. Although, I have to give props to Ryan’s dad for the relationship he’s obviously put some work into in order to get a son that communicates so well and so easily with him. I was impressed. Regarding Trista, not so impressed. Am I the only one that got the distinct impression that she was setting Ryan up for a fall by proclaiming over and over again, “I’m a warm weather girl. I don’t like the cold.”? She might as well have been wearing a shirt that said, “LA or Bust” on the front with “Colorado Sucks” on the back. Though I think Ryan is sweet (and a monumental wuss) I do feel bad that he obviously has laid his heart on the line for Trista to tromp on as she pleases. Anything else exciting about the Ryan date?

    After dinner, they go back to Ryan’s and cuddle. Trista says she has butterflies being around him. Sure thing, I’m sure all the viewing audience is thinking of butterflies when they imagine themselves alone in Ryan’s apartment.

    I’m thinking of Bob, actually. But that’s just me.

    Next stop is New York City. Nothing like it! Greg shows up on his Harley with a biker style fake German WWII helmet. Thank god he brought a full-face normal helmet for Trista. I’m not in the mood for Hogan’s Heroes. Trista likes the bike and Greg gets a big check mark for that one. We find out the reason for the tough biker look when he stops at Central Park. I see, he’s trying to fool the muggers. Greg and Trista walk around within a safe distance of the camera crew and I presume security. He tells her stories about romantic proposals at Rockefeller Center. Trista is watching the shadows in the park. She’s an L.A. chick now, and you know how they feel about New Yorkers.

    In the back of my mind, I hear Early Reject Rodeo Brook’s words reverberating…. “You’re so shallow. You’re so shallow.”

    Trista and Greg meet his Mom, Mom’s boyfriend Bob, and his sister at a restaurant for their get together. How warm and cozy, Mom! You don’t even let her in your house! Sis says Greg is an overprotective brother, and then asked Trista what’s so special about him that she picked him. Another warm fuzzy moment from his family. Mom says he never brings girls to meet them. I’m thinking no wonder, since you are a pretty frosty bunch.

    I actually liked Mom’s boyfriend. Then again, there’s no blood relation there, so I assume the blood actually runs warm through HIS veins. The sister is a bit of a bitch. I’m guessing it’s because Greg has always been the pretty one. What did you think of the family’s reaction to Trista?

    Bizarrely, it is decided that Trista ‘fits right in’! Whatever. On inspection of Greg’s one room apartment, Trista is obviously horrified. To counteract this, Greg whips out the guitar and starts singing the song he wrote for her. Hey, Greg’s not too bad! After that apartment view, I’m thinking he’s gone. Greg’s probably wishing he had tried to get on American Idol.

    In the back of my mind, I hear Early Reject Rodeo Brook’s words reverberating…. “You’re so shallow. You’re so shallow.”

    Anyway, Greg actually has a good voice and can play the guitar really well! You might be right about American Idol. Those eyes alone would get him a million votes! Despite the fact that Trista has already mentally dumped Greg for his very tiny, very simple, $1,800 a month studio, I don’t foresee him lacking for dates in his future. Sweets, if you want me to come over and fix up your place, email me! (Sorry Bob! I couldn’t resist!) So… which loser, er…. Bachelor is next?

    Now it’s off to see where SlimyRuss was hatched. On the way, Trista remarks how all the traveling, hotels, and hand & foot service is exhausting her. I think most of us would like to get exhausted that way instead of the mundane way we usually do. (work, kids, laundry, dishes, etc.) Trista says she isn’t feeling the same way about Russ anymore. My daughter’s friend, who is watching with me, high fives everyone in the group. I say “Yay,” even though I know somehow like doggie-do on your shoe, Russ will probably still be there at the end of the night.

    Of course she’s not feeling the same way about Russ anymore. She’s stone cold sober. Give the girl a bottle and she’ll be as horny as before.

    In San Francisco, Russ has apparently taken the last year off to write a book called 29. I hope it’s not 29 of the Best Ways to Stalk People. At his nice apartment, which is much bigger than Greg’s, Russ starts into the pushy stuff again. “Have you made up your mind? Have ya? Have ya?!” Trista brands Russell as anxious. Pit bulls are anxious, too.

    I wonder how long it took Russ to shove all the afghans, shawls and doilies of his Grandmother’s under the beds, as his mooching self shares the place with her.

    Unlike the other two dates, every member of Russ’s family greets Trista into the family’s home. Aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors down the street, and I think his third grade teacher. First up is his adorable niece, Melia, who gives her a bracelet. Nice work Unca Punka! Did you promise her ice cream forever? Russ’s family says he doesn’t bring girls home often. I think they are either too scared to come or Russ never goes out. The family asks Trista important questions like “What would you do if you won the lottery?”, and “What in the world do you see in Russ?” Inquiring minds want to know. I don’t think I ever heard the answer.

    I was actually surprised by his family! I was expecting a bunch of stone faced, thin lipped, icy stares kind of people! Though the mom had a freakish look about her, all in all, they seemed pretty normal. And uh… what was with the Punka bit? Regardless… let’s get to Charlie. He might be a pompous ass, but at least he doesn’t creep me out a la SlimyRuss.

    Saving the other best one for last, we meet Charlie’s family in Flagstaff, AZ. They replay her saying, yet again, Charlie had her attention from the time he got out of the limo. About this time, I’m wishing she’d eloped with him then and there.

    At home the dog greets them, (awww) Charlie then pulls out his biggest ace from his sleeve. Mom is a physiotherapist just like Trista! Well the girls bond and chat physio talk. They immediately want to know when she’s going to give up this Hollywood stuff and get back to the real world. Trista tells them she wants to keep her options open. Family brands her as too needy for Russ. They leave and Trista says the family was intellectually stimulating. The family says she is good looking and needy, but parallels Mom. Mom isn’t too pleased at the comparison, and points out she wasn’t a Miami heat dancer. Yes Mom we believe you – nudge nudge wink wink.

    So, does anyone else think that Charlie’s brother has vocabulary building toilet paper at home? You know, that toilet paper with “word of the day” on each piece? No one talks like that! Be yourself! Also, after seeing Charlie’s brother, I feel sure that Charlie is a member of “Hair Club For Men.” My favorite thing about Charlie’s family, other than their perfect cabin in the woods of beautiful Flagstaff, Arizona, was that after Trista left it was no holds barred. They said it as I saw it – Trista is a needy media whore that is willing to give up her career as a physical therapist in order to extend her 15 minutes. She is needy and needs a lot of ego stroking in order to feel good about herself. Yeah, well… Charlie’s family. Meet Charlie. He and Trista are a perfect match.

    Finally its Trista’s party time. Robohost asks if she’s ready. Trista says yet again it’s the most difficult Rose ceremony, as she has to say goodbye to someone she made a connection to. At least we aren’t told it’s shocking.

    Blah blah blah, Trista. I’ve been sitting here bored for almost 90 minutes and I’m more than a bit tired of hearing your baby voice! You’re 32! Why do you talk like a baby?! Get on with it and quit telling us how difficult it all is!

    Ryan comes in first, even though he doesn’t want to. He tells her he’s been miserable since he’s last seen her. Big kiss, then he gives her a card with another poem:

    Trista is a girl so fair
    I’m the best one in the lair
    I’m the best one you will see
    Come on Trista just pick me.

    Man Card. REVOKED!”

    The gift is a white tiger drawing he had done, because she mentioned she liked them. (Oh my god- I just have to interject here. This guy is the most perfect specimen I have ever seen; it doesn’t get better than this)

    Oh yes it does. Check out GREG!

    Greg is next and gets a cheek kiss- bad sign. Inexplicably he launches into a ‘birthday rap’. Since she can’t run from the room screaming, she is forced to listen. He then gives her four sheets of paper with some of his songs. That little gift set him back 50 cents. Trista is speechless and not in a good way. Goodbye Greg!

    In the back of my mind, I hear Early Reject Rodeo Brook’s words reverberating…. “You’re so shallow. You’re so shallow.”

    Russell gives Trista a photo taken from a spot where he had taken her in San Fran.
    Trista smiles and calls it personal. 5x7 from photo mart: $2.50. Memories of Russell being called Unca Punka – priceless. Thanks again to Melia- she saved your sorry butt, boyfriend!

    Ugh! Go away, Russ! You bother me, boy!

    I think Charlie is in trouble when he comes up with a simple hallmark card and a little square box. The card has a sweet message about kissing frogs to meet prince charming and then in the box is a little silver frog. Now that one even got to jaded old me – awww.

    Good show by Charlie. Very little effort with very little expense. His man card is fully intact.

    Trista then retires to the bachelorette shrine to view the “pleasepickme” videos.

    Ryan- at fire station in uniform- yummy- I think he said something but for the life of me, I can’t remember what...

    Greg- had the best time, my family likes you- Maybe next time they’ll even let Trista in the house

    Russell- Hi sunshine (He says it in a derogatory way, not a fun way) you’re special – In a creepy kind of way.

    Charlie- Mommy the physio and rest of family like you.

    Blah blah blah Robohost speech.
    Blah Blah Blah is right! This is the longest episode EVER!

    Trista - Gifts were good, Families nice, Luckiest girl on earth. Yada Yada. She is visibly shaking. I think she needs a glass of wine.

    Ryan, Charlie and SlimyRuss ( I knew it!!) will duke it out to the end. Poor Greg. It was either the apartment or the Rap or both. Go apply for American Idol – really.

    The boys all wish Trista a happy birthday while planning strategy. Trista is drinking from the bottle.

    Man, I missed Bobby so much this week. Without his sense of humor and Jamie with pony chow on his head, it’s all getting a bit hard to take. But… like all of you, I’ll be tuning in next week to see Russ act more psycho, Charlie go through another bottle of hair gel in one day and Ryan write more bad, bad, bad poetry.

    Tune in next week when we get the overnight dates, and its Trista who whips out the conjugal room key.

    As always Sher and Eny are available by e-mail for bribes, fan mail and free stuff you want to give us. Bob, I’m still waiting for that email!

    Sher@fansofrealitytv.com and Enygma@fansofrealitytv.com
    Last edited by eny; 06-02-2004 at 10:18 AM.

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