The Bachelorette Finale - "Jobless and Homeless" wins over "Safe and Secure"
This week, Eny and I are co-recapping the show, and I’m the lucky one that only has to pay attention to the first hour! Nah, actually, this season wasn’t nearly as dull as I thought it would be. After the BachelorBob fiasco, I had set my expectations very low. I was pleasantly surprised that in spite of her bad clothes and moon face, Mer made for a pretty entertaining season of The Bachelorette.
Granted, the first ten minutes of tonight’s finale show are spent boring me to tears with recounting the previous weeks – the endless ramblings of Ryan. The temper tantrum of that one guy who got dumped, who’s name I have already forgotten. The metrosexual. Todd in the rose shirt. Lanny’s Mom. Okay! Enough already! Get to the damn show!!! I want to see that most dramatic rose ceremony ever like you’ve been promising me!!
Okay, here we go.
From twenty five eligible bachelors down to the final two, it is now time for Meredith to take Ian and Matt home to meet the parents. Texas boy, Matt, is the first to meet the family. Traveling to Portland, Oregon, Matt and Mer meet on the docks to take a boat ride before they head towards Mer’s parents’ place for dinner and the grand inquisition. On the boat ride, Matt and Mer kiss and cuddle and Matt tells Mer he wishes he could know what was going on in her head… because he knows she is always thinking, even though she isn’t able to tell him anything. Mer responds, “You’re a smart man – aren’t you?” Way to be vague, Mer.
After boating around, it is dinner time. Matt follows Mer into the house. He is holding flowers for her mother. Good boy. Mer introduces BachelorMatt to BrotherMatt and they shake hands. Apparently, BrotherMatt is the person that the men must impress as Mer holds his opinion in high regard. But let me tell you, BrotherMatt has an odd look about him. I think it might be his glasses, though I’m not quite sure. Regardless of what it is, he has a scary serial killer look about him. He creeps me out.
Matt is welcomed into the home by not only BrotherMatt, but also Mer’s mom, dad and uncle. Everyone seems to like him, of course. What’s not to like about a big, strong Texas boy? Well, I’m not terribly fond of that bony brow bone that makes him look like cro-magnon man, but maybe that’s just me. The group sits together in the living room, talking easily, and Mer and Matt are very affectionate with each other. BrotherMatt gets Matt alone and threatens to kill him… no wait. That’s what I imagined him doing, but what actually happened is BroMatt asks Matt why he believes he is the best guy for Mer. Matt says that he isn’t sure of the answer BroMatt is looking for, but the honest answer is that he doesn’t know if he is the best guy for Mer. He hopes he is, but only Mer can know who is best for her. BroMatt nods approvingly and says this is the exact answer he was looking for.
The family and Matt head towards to table for some cheesy casserole dish and salad. At the table, Mer’s dad asks Matt what he sees in her. Matt says that he loves her smile and in her eyes and her smile, he can tell that she is good. In bed. No, he just said good. Sorry. Mer’s dad asks her the same question and she responds that when she is with Matt she feels safe and secure and normal. DING! DING! DING! Speaking from experience, this is the worst thing a guy can be for a girl like Mer. Safe+Secure+Normal=BORING!!! Mer hugs Matt and touches him throughout the remainder of the meal. Mer’s dad says it is nice to see his daughter falling in love.
After dinner, Mer takes Matt into the living room and gets comfy on the couch. They kiss and talk and Mer says that the family loves him. Matt asks Mer what she hopes to get out of this process. Mer replies that she knows she has not been able to be forthright with him become of how the show works, but that she’s going to give him a huge chunk of information. She says, “I would be honored if you gave me a ring.” Well now! Matt smiles and says, “Really.” And not in a question sort of way. Now, if I were Matt and I was making out with a girl on the couch that said to me, “I want you to give me a ring and ask me to marry you,” I would feel pretty confident that I would be the last man standing…wouldn’t you?
The next day, Mer meets Ian for the meet the parents date. They go to a little coffee house and sit in a dark corner. Anal retentive Ian straightens the table and makes sure the sugars and creamer are just so before he says, “So what do I need to know about your family?” Mer kind of laughs as she can see that Ian is nervous about the meeting. Ian confides that he worries that because he has no direction and no job – ERRRRRRRRRRRRRT! Wait one second here! What in the hell?!!! Ian has no JOB?? Wasn’t the job title “Investment Banker” clearly printed beneath his name every week, including this week, as we have watched the show??!! I am beginning to believe that Mer is a bum magnet, as two of the last three guys standing were unemployed! Seriously, how desperate is this show for guys that they can’t even find twenty-five who are employed?!!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Ian says that he worries that her family won’t like him because he lacks direction, has no job, and all of his stuff is in storage as he is crashing on some friend’s couch in New York. Mer assures him that her family will like him in spite of that. Interesting. As in the past, since Mer first laid eyes on Ian, she can’t keep her hands off of him. She is clearly drawn to him. So much for that ring from Matt, I’d say.
Ian is very nervous meeting her family. I get the feeling that he has never done well with the parents, and kindandcourteousprettyboy Matt is going to be a hard act to follow. Mer brings Ian into the house. He is holding a bottle of champagne, it appears. Each of her parents, her brother and her uncle greet him. Mer and Ian sit in the living room and everyone is having a nice conversation, when Mer’s dad says, “Dad Bomb.” What?! That was Ian’s reaction, too. WHAT? Dad repeats, “Dad Bomb. I’m going to drop a loaded question.” Meredith looks embarrassed. Dad asks Ian, “Why are you attracted to my daughter?” After a lot of sputtering and uhhing, Ian tells Mer’s dad that she makes him feel wanted, that she is interested in him and his life, that she is sweet and smart and beautiful. He continues that he isn’t on this show for the experience. He is on this show for Meredith. This answer stumps the room. Everyone is completely speechless. I am, too. Way to go, Ian! You already had Mer’s heart and now you’ve won over the fam. Mer’s mom breaks in with, “Let’s all go eat,” and the group heads to the table where Mer is even more affectionate with Ian than she was with Matt.
After dinner, Mer, BrotherMatt and Mer’s mom head to the kitchen to get dessert. Mer asks her mom and brother what they think of Ian. Mer’s mom tells her that she certainly chose two really great men and Mer agrees saying, “And they couldn’t be MORE different!” She says that with Matt there is nothing that she doesn’t love. That she would be taken care of, safe and secure for the rest of her life. With Ian she would have adventure, traveling and passion. But she doesn’t know who to choose. I think the answer is clear. Mer’s mom tells her that she would be lucky with either of them, but in confessional away from her daughter, she says that though she can tell that Mer genuinely has feelings for both, that her feelings for Ian are on a completely different level. Ian has swept Mer off her feet.
After dinner, Mer walks Ian to the car to go home. She kisses him and assures him that her family loved him. She kisses him goodbye and he gets in. Mer turns and says, “MMM” to the camera. I’m guessing sexual frustration. Back in the house, Mer sits with her family and talks about both of the men. The general theme is Security versus Passion. GO FOR THE PASSION, MER!! SAFE BETS ARE BORING!!! I’m just saying.
Thanks Sher for sitting through the meet my parents section of the program. Too bad big daddy Phillips didn’t fire up the old lie detector so we could really figure out what’s up with Ian. I’m sure than Matt would have passed with flying colors, and Ian would have made it short circuit. I just have to say I’ve never heard of being unemployed being called “in flux”,and that whole “it’s a long story how I got from Sao Paulo to here” was a bit shady. I loved Portland though.
Back in LA
Ian comes to Meredith’s house for one last date. They serve pizza and the same basil/tomato/mozza salad that sent Mr metrosexual into a tailspin . Mer is now using it as a man test. If he scrapes the basil off - he’s a whiny loser.
Ian mumbles something about working in Greece for a summer , as a cook or waiter or something . He underlines his superior cooking skills by burning the pizza. He then gives Meredith some line like - for this brief moment in time they can be bums , not worry about anything, and have no responsibilities. Just kind of “go with the flow.” What is this guy -19 ? At 29 you should at least have a plan or two, or at least a frickin JOB in mind . A visit to any unemployment office will turn up guys with the same kind of aspirations, but not the backing of the mysterious “good family” we keep hearing about. He does however think he’s ready for a relationship. He then tells us he should have made more effort on the family date by “flying in” Dad and stepmom. I get that whiff of cash again .Quick hands up around the forum .How many people can afford to fly folks in for dinner even if they aren’t jobless?
I thought not .
Ian gets almost gushy when he tells her she’s made it easy for him and that he’s “softer” than he thought he’d be. Why you’d want someone who admits they are “soft” is another story, but I’m hoping it doesn’t mean he needs Viagra.
Mer wails “do I go for stability or instability , adventure and passion?”.They part with a “goodnight baby.”
Matthew’s turn at last shot . Meredith has made dinner, including the man test tomato/basil/mozza salad. She’s not living through that horror again, so she’s making sure Matt isn’t a wuss. He brought dessert. They have dinner and chat. A bad ‘we’re just friends’ vibe comes my way. Sher and I must be on the same wavelength .
She takes him on a tour of the house including through the Bachelor/ette sanctuary. Where is dramatic voice-over man when you need him? Surely this is the most dramatic house tour ever. Matt even lays Ians picture face down.while he’s in there, committing what I’m sure is some kind of Bachelor blasphemy. They feed each other chocolate and lay down on the ugliest bed ever. Mer has her boots still on in bed, which is another bad sign.. He tells her he’ll do what ever it takes . For some reason I suddenly hear Willie Nelson singing in my head like some kind of Texas angel, and I know it’s not good.
(the stars are raindrops searching for a place to fall
and I never cared for you)
Dammit Willie - why now? Give the cowboy a break.
The next shot is Meredith throwing an ugly, snotty, crying jag. If we though she looked bad sans make-up ,well no make-up, runny nose and puffy eyes looks even worse.( A spot like this is where the pageant girls shine. They have practiced the “loser face” as well as the “I’m under tremendous strain-but I’m still smiling” face ) “I don’t want to choose”, blubbers Mer . Unfortunately, the producers aren’t buying the ‘I want an extra rose’ trick .
Dramatic Voice-over Man tries a new adjective by promising us the Most Amazing Season Finale Ever
Well it’s the day of , and someone dragged a couch outside for Mer to ponder on. She’s telling us how painful things are. Buy a clue girl. Living in a mansion being waited on hand and foot with two cute guys after you is not what most of us would call “painful”
Harry Winston must have gotten canned for bad luck , as Ian and Matt both are shown separately going into someplace called Leon’s to get the rings. I laugh, as where I come from Leons sells furniture. Still, they have nice stuff . Mr.Leon tells us about his five table rings , as in ones you can see five tables away. Both boys leave with some bling and get ready.
No scraggy ponytail tonight as Mer actually has someone do her hair .We also see Ian and Matt getting ready. Actually it’s worth watching the damn show just to see Matt getting ready. They could have just shown about 45 minutes of Matt’s fab abs, and I would have been happy .More abs, and circle around to the back if you can.-Slower- Very nice. We get a quick peak at Ian , but Matts the definite winner in the ‘shaving with a teeny towel draped over your hips’ competition. Someone should show Mer this video before she makes the decision. She might revisit that adventure/passion thing, with Matt as the star.
Meredith is ready to go meet the guys in her waitress uniform. (I’m seriously craving some souvlaki from my favorite restaurant - no kidding) She sits down with Chrishost and tells us she’s in love ,and that he’s the one . She’s sad to have to break up with someone. At least she’s over the crying jag.
Meredith takes her place amongst the obligatory Bachelor/ette firehazard’s worth of candles, while Christhost goes to greet the loser. The limo pulls up and out gets Matt. Sometimes I’ve cheered when the loser gets out , but not this time. He goes in and talks to Mer, who gives him the “you are perfect but” speech. I’ll bet if she had have seen his butt (video) , she wouldn’t have been so hasty. He exits , and gives a gracious loser limo speech. I’m sure girls will be lining the streets to help you through your heartbreak. He inspired to me to brush up on my videography at the very least.
Ian is next, and somehow they both follow the script and don’t .After all that talk about being so happy that Matt would take care of her , she’s telling Ian she’ll take care of him. They ramble on back and forth. Ididntthinkidfindyouiwannabewi thyou. They actually talk to each other instead of playing poser for the cameras. He tells Mer he went shopping and Mer puts her best ‘even if it’s a t-shirt I’ll love it’ face. But instead , we get a surprise proposal out of Ian that consisted of “I can’t believe I’m doing this -Will You?” She says “Yes” and “It will be ok”. There you have it folks. The dorkiest proposal, ever, but probably the most believable one we’ve ever had on the show. Ian beams that she his “soul mate”, and that he couldn’t “deny her this opportunity.”
I kind of liked the mysterious, moody guy better than this emotional wimp.
They both say they are happy it’s over. Hey guys - me too . I hope we aren’t reading next week in People about the ‘shortest Bach hook-up ever’. Good Luck to both of them. Tune in tomorrow when they re-unite live for “After the Rose.” Hopefully it will be way more entertaining than the dismal -Guys Tell All- in which they told nothing. I hope Ian and Meredith continue to not to follow the script.
Sher - email@example.com and eny -firstname.lastname@example.org have enjoyed your company and comments on bachelorette Meredith. I wonder if the Willie Nelson angel will help me through the next show. Who knows? See you April 7 for Jesse Palmer, who I’m sure can hold his own in the teeny towel competition.
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