Are we here already? It just seemed like last week we were b*tching about Meredith getting Bachelorette over Kelly-Jo. Oh I guess that was just me , and it WAS last week .

Cut to the beginning of the show and the dragging up of dead granny yet again . Have you no shame people? A quick re-cap of what has gone on so far, then the 22 dumpees are introduced. I am now certain they serve cocktails and Valium at these shows. Cue cheesy smiles and waves. Almost none will get to “tell all” or even speak on the show. When they get to Lanny, the mostly female audience screams and applauds. Yeah girls it’s all well and good till you meet mama. Then you won’t be cheering.

Chris carries on about Chad getting the boot, and asks if the others were surprised. Now I’m surprised, because so many of them were. Did you guys even watch the show? Damon (who gets to speak one sentence) says Chad is a 6’5” Ken doll and he’s surprised he’s gone. I don’t recall the mama’s boy Ken doll with the unemployment pack Damon. Chris intro’s Chad as he’s not already sitting with the other guys. When he finally sits down, I see lots of thinning hair. That’s a definite Ken no-no.

Almostanimated Chris and Chad sit down and re-hash his walk down Meridee lane .
He is teary as he recalls losing his wife and best friend. I’m wondering who the hell he’s talking about, as it surely can’t be some girl you knew less than a month and spent only a few hours (if that) with.
Give your head a shake Chad, no wonder they canned you. He then tells us mama’s revelation about his employment status was the equivalent of throwing him under a bus. But Chad , you told us she loves having you there . Why would she throw you under a bus? Then he said he was “all confused” as to whether he had told her and didn’t know how Meredith “got the impression” he was employed.

Well Chad, maybe it was because in all those pre production interviews you didn’t bother to enlighten the production staff you were jobless. Did it slip your mind? Or was having Chad – 31- Buffalo – Unemployed put under your face every time you spoke, a bit daunting.
They show the part where Mer had to beg for a kiss in frustration, by saying “just f*in kiss me” as he rambled on about James Bond & stuff. The Chad part ends with his audition tape. He was sporting fake hillbilly teeth and looked like Fonzie on crack. He also was telling us all how he lives with his mom. I have a sudden revelation it may not be so hard to get on the show. I call Bullsh*t on the “thousands of applications”. There must have been like ten, because everyone else is telling us the casting crew did the approaching. They sure wouldn’t have picked loser Lurch out of a crowd.

Next up for show, is Mr. Metrosexual – Rick. They rehash his anal retentive ways, and not surprisingly, it’s just as irritating the second time around. They show Mer again saying that she’s never heard of a guy actually calling himself that name. They then show her calling him annoying, pompous, and an ass just for good measure. Rick says he’s trying to go in the opposite direction now, and even told us he actually cancelled a spa appointment. Way to be manly Rick. We then see a replay of his ill-timed “trivia “ game. The best part was when he tells everyone on the way home, he played hockey so well he could have made the NHL . I can hear locker-rooms all over erupting in hysteria. Yes in a lifetime of hockey viewing, I’ve noticed lots of wimpy metrosexual types. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself hockey taped to a goalie net, while some low maintenance types do a couple of puck shooting drills. It might even be me. Mer even points out he should “stick to slippers”.
Rick gets teary when he claims to be hiding his insecurities. Even Chrishost calls him on that line.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, we have to rehash motormouth Ryan R.
I don’t know why he wasn’t thrown off of that bus after his Idon’tknowhyallofasuddeneveryo neissomeantomeandiknowi’mnotge ttingaroseandwhydidLannygettos tandnextoyouanyway Blahblahblah. routine. He claims to not know he talks so much. He wondered aloud why he had any friends. He even forgave Kelly-Jo for thinking he wasn’t Meredith material after seeing his onscreen performance. He claims the trouble started when KJ and TJ “whipped her into a room for a talking to” When she came out she pushed him away and hugged the other guys.

Here’s my take . KJ& TJ – “Meredith ,get that clown the f* out of the house. He won’t shut up.” We then see more of his exit speech where he carries on about always going out and never meeting anyone. He ends by saying how charismatic he is. I can solve the problem Ryan, you think you’re charismatic. The rest of us think you are a mouthy, whiny washout. That is why the girls run from you. KJ probably had you summed up when you opened your mouth, because once it opened it just never shut.

They next go over otherRyan ‘s vocal departure. He doesn’t get to sit in the chair though. Chris says it was “the best exit ever.” Ryan says it was passionate. I think it was scripted.

We then see an audition video for Todd where he’s doing something strange with his nose. What is this – circus freak bachelor?

Lanny is next in the “hot seat” to explain his psycho mama. The girls scream when he gets up on stage. I can’t believe they want to do anything but play horsey with Lanny , as that image of mama telling Mer she expects her submissive haunts me still.
Nice face but Ewwww., no thanks cowboy.
Lanny thinks his visit home was “normal” , with nothing wrong. He was even surprised when he didn’t get a Rose. No, he’s not going to prepare other girls before they meet mama, and yes he’ll keep bringing them home . I’m sure Lanny and his AV from the breeding barn will be very happy. I can’t see any girl putting up with that mother in law unless they plan to use duct tape .

Meredith comes in for her visit next. Supposedly when the guys ask questions , we’ll find out what they really think. Yeah right. They replay all different angles of Mer . All of the horrible wardrobe choices, and bad days with no makeup. Wow I didn’t realize it was so bad. I never ever want this girl to do my make-up. I really hope she gets through cooking school. The one funny thing they did show was her getting her heel caught in the docks . Why do they save all of the funny stuff , and never show it? Big news ABC , this show is getting boring. Put it in the main show.

Meredith claims to be very happy. She and Chad share an awkward exchange about why he was dumped. It ended with some excuse about fire, and Chad asking if he should have been more sexually assertive. Jeez Chad, she just asked for a kiss not a boff.
They go over just how bad a kisser Brad was. Apparently random women walk up to Brad on the street now and offer lessons . Chrishost proves it by offering a random audience member a a chance, and she takes him up on it. Puzzlingly Mer high fives the lady on the way back from the smooch like she’s congratulating her on a shared ordeal or something. Then she LEAVES. So much for questions and confrontation. * Yawn*
They show her audition tape , where she seems to be dressed far better than she is now. Whats up with that?

We next have to endure what must be an uncomfortable ( for the losers) rehash of the story of Ian and Meredith and Matt.

They flash to the finale where Mer appears to have stepped out the restaurant for a ten minute break while they do this finale thing. [Can ya hurry this up? My roux is burning.] Yes, she appears to have tied her chefs coat around her waist . Long black skirt , and I’m suddenly hungry as she looks like a waitress at my favorite place. Could she not at least have tried the stylist for the finale?

Tune in next week for some Veal Picata . I mean the finale. Will she choose the “normal” Matt whose modeling agent got him this gig , or the mysterious Ian with his legions of friends and lawyers trying to ward off an engagement.

I really miss Trista . At least she knew how to dress , and had real guys to choose from. I think they should definitely let Sher and I cast the next show.

Valium and Jell-O shooters to enygma@fansofrealitytv.com