The Bachelorette2 - episode 5

We are down to the “visit the contestant families” episode. Meredith gets only one suitcase to go see the families . Not only that , but they show her dragging it out herself. You spring for a stretch limo and no bell cap ? Cheap sleazeballs aren’t you?

Mer leaves wondering aloud “who’s gonna open up to me?” Mr cue card man has re- appeared as he often does in the final programs. Look for lots of “connection” “sincere” and “touched my heart” sentences.

First up is a visit to Matthews family home in Friendswood TX. Postcard pretty house with Matt sitting on the front porch between two friendly doggies . Sigh Does it get any better than this? Mer - pet the doggies! I’m yelling . She acts like they are vicious guard dogs and doesn’t even look at them.
Back to M&M . They settle down to a picnic in an oak grove. I’m wondering where the “grove” is , as I see three trees. Even in Orygun three trees do not a grove make. Matt plays on the swing while Meredith looks on adoringly squealing “this man is so right for me.” She claims meeting the families is “nerve wracking” . Oh Mer , you have no idea what’s to come later girl.
Ray and Carol who are (seemingly amicably) divorced, come out to met Meredith with brother Chris and uncle Jerome. Carol calls her a tall good lookin girl , and immediately asks the son “How’s the competition?” She then tells Mer she wants a southern boy, not some Yankee Boy. I’m hoping someone shows Carol an atlas. Oregon= not in the south. Everyone exchanges pleasantries with the word “comfortable “ thrown around quite a bit. Dad finally speaks and says ,“You have pretty good finalist here”. Dad is good looking, and has lots of hair , so the future looks bright. ( Hey is dad single ? - Damn I’m distracted again)
Mer says they are salt of the earth sincere people. At dinner we gets Moms poetry ( in a texas twang)

What a joy to see
He brought home a girl
What a fast start you had
I’m glad he gave this a whirl
Heartfelt wishes for future happiness here
If he’s not married soon we’d have thought he was q - uh stupid

Not surprisingly uncle Jerome had nothing to say .
Mom says Matt is showing his dimples, leading him to try and scrub them off his face. Dad speaks again saying Mer is a “genuine girl”. I’m wondering what Matthew has dragged home before. ( Carol, it’s a REAL girl this time)
They end the date on a swing “granny and grampa” style. Meredith says. “I feel so much better about Texas”. It’s someones turn to hand her the atlas. It’s hardly the end of the earth dear. Matt tells her he wants this to end with her with “the one she dreamed of” . Mer says he’s “so sincere”.
I’m feeling queasy and want to wring cue-card mans neck.

After Texas, we get to visit Chad in Buffalo NY. I’m wondering where Gwen from Bach 2 is . If Mer dumps you Chad, look her up- I liked her. Chad lives in another cute house. Unfortunately , we find out soon after that Mommy lives there too. “I just couldn’t move out “ says Chad defensively . I’m only 31. * bells & whistles Meredith* They go over to sister Darcy’s house . Darcy and the rest of the family, ( Dana and mom Norma ), are huge fans of the show. Mom Norma says "they all think they know her" , and "were thrilled it was Meredith" ( and not presumably that Kelly Jo girl ) Mom asks what she sees in “this unemployed person” Meredith’s jaw drops .I’m hoping she’s hearing the second set of alarm bells.
Umm - he’s kind, smart, funny and sincere. I’m doubting that last one Meredith. You thought he had a job.
Chad nervously says “ uh - I want another job . I’m gonna get another job. You’ll see” Thousands of women viewers are now screaming “Get out now. You’ll be supporting him forever.” Mom is exited and offers a ring for Chad to give to her. RIGHT NOW . Hey this media frenzy is hot now, she reasons.As a bach fan , she saw “the wedding” . Not only that , but it will finally get Junior out of the basement.
I’m speechless as Meredith says she could see going back to Buffalo and fitting right in.
Where will you fit in Mer ? With mommy in the house , or with “ the Bachelor”fan sister at her viewing parties?
One last thing - Gwen wrote a book about dweebs like you, so don’t look her up. She has your number already. Too bad Meredith doesn’t - yet .

On to Manhattan and Ian . He isn’t comfortable with her meeting his whole family at once as his parents are “out there” and not “super warm” . I get a sudden whiff of family money and boarding schools, as I realize folks like these wouldn’t “do” reality tv anyway. The smell gets stronger when he says we will meet his brother , whom “he feels closer to” as they have "gone through so much together." He says he misses what he had growing up in Brazil as he’s not just another American guy that speaks Portuguese and Spanish. I feel for ya Ian . I wish I was in Brazil in January and February when deep winter sets in.
We visit his best friend Damian’s loft in the east village , and the whiff of cash becomes a stench. Apartments like his in NYC cost mega bucks. I’m thinking with his apparent cash, Damian doesn’t hang around no-money losers . Brother Erik grills Meredith on what she likes about Ian, and whether she wants a ring. If she says yes , the family legal team is waiting outside the door - pre-nup in hand I’m sure. She does tell him she wants to get married . Oh, wrong answer for Erik Mer. Erik then tells her she is beautiful , and a nice girl, but his concern is his brother. Erik then goes to Ian, and Ian tells him that on an emotional level Mer is his girlfriend. Meredith digs herself in deeper by saying she’s looking forward to getting married and being happy.
Erik thinks this is a little rash. He leaves to give them some privacy, but then returns a few minutes later. He drags Ian into what looks like a garbage room down the hall and extracts a promise that Ian isn’t giving any rings out. Erik ends his interview by saying big brother is looking for a girlfriend, not a wife. The stench of cash is overwhelming as I picture Erik on his cell with the legal team . I have a sudden vision of a 25 yr old stepmother named Bambi who have made these two so skittish about female invaders. Especially ones who want diamonds. Ian squeeks out “if Meredith wants ring , then I’m not the right guy”. Good work Erik, I didn’t even see the paper with a speech written on it ( that the lawyers wrote up for him to say on air.)

It can’t get any worse at Lanny’s house can it ? Well things are looking up , as she pulls up in front of what looks like Southfork from the TV show Dallas. I smell money here too. Lanny gives her some yellow roses of Texas . He then takes her into the breeding barn and explains more than I ever wanted to know about artificial vaginas. Hey this is primetime Lanny , and Texas folk were some of the ones screeching loudest over Janet’s star covered boobie. Ease up will you? The mommy horse and the daddy horse love each other very much lalalalalalalalala There, that’s better.
Momma Jeannie is laying in wait for Meredith. She starts in. My boys are an important part of my life. Is this a lifestyle you can adapt to? No legal team needed here. Momma can chase ho’s after Lanny and his money away just fine thankyouverymuch.
More loaded dialogue follows .
If I were your mother-in-law how would I meet your needs and nuture you? Tough one don’t answer Mer .
Would you promise you would tell me if what I was doing wasn’t welcome ? ( or something)
Daddy Lampert finally speaks - “two or three times you might have to tell her”.
Daughter in law Reisa speaks up as if there’s a gun to her head. “Miz Lawrence is very involved with her sons. She would have to get used to that” Very nice Reisa , but I didn’t see your lips move. I’d love to hear what she you really think of that witch.
Jeannie keeps up the barrage “What church do you attend” Mere fumbles on this one. “Well Dad was Catholic , but I’m - open”. I don’t think open is actually classed as a church. Catholics are pretty bad but at least they are Christian, reasons Mom. Faith is important to her , but Mer embracing “the faith” is more important.I think "the faith" she speaks of are "Jeannies rules" and not church at all , but what do I know? Jeannie keeps on. Mama wants someone that loves him and makes him the head of the house. Meredith must be submissive, and be there whether she wants to or not. Oh nice ending mama. We all know why Lanny is single now. How did Reisa ever sneak in under your watch? Mama smiles as she purrs how Lanny treats his mama with respect. She knows that big ole Orygun ho is running out the door while she’s talking.
Lampert snorts as he realizes he is supposed to be the head of household.
Mer has a stunned look on her face as she says “what a challenge it would be to fit in” , and that she “doesn’t agree with some things”. I think I hear Miz Jeannie laughing manically in the background.

At the rose ceremony ,Meredith still has a kind of stunned look on her face as she allows the hometown dates “tell a lot”. She tells Chris that she’s getting more invested and that time will tell if she’s falling in love. No mention is even made of the most dramatic rose ceremony, as we all know this one is a fairly easy boot.
In the begging man videos, Ian says”Eu tenho lotes do sweetie do dinheiro”. He tells her that he’ll “tell her later what that means” , but I know it means “I have lots of money sweetie”. The lawyers just wouldn’t let him say it in English.
Matt says “I don’t just take ‘anyone’ there” , which pretty much echo’s what his dad said .
Lanny said it meant a lot for her to meet the family and for her to see the ranch. I think that means that she got further with him than any other girl did, but I’m not sure.
Chad says “my family thinks you’re wonderful”

After these disaster dates What’s a girl to do ? I’d only be giving out one rose right now, but that’s just me.

Chris greets the guys one by one and Chad’s looking pretty ragged .
Mer says her heart is beating fast, and then says she’s sorry.
Ian , Matthew and Chad get roses.
She can’t even look at Lanny and gives some lame excuse about not getting to know him.

Lanny has a smirk on his face, as he knows this Oregon ho was no match for Mama. He’s had to do this many times before. He says his faith tells him this was the right thing. Faith does mean mama doesn’t it ? How did you ever get away from her clutches for 6 weeks anyway?

Tune in next week for the overnight dates. It looks like beaches for everyone.

Ok this was painful to even watch, so be nice to me. Has Jesse Palmer checked in yet? enygma@fansofrealitytv.com