Champagne Wishes and Testosterone Dreams - The Bachelorette 2 -Ep 1
Welcome fellow reality TV addicts. Here we are at Bachelorette 6.0. I can’t believe we are still here either. Joe Millionaire didn’t even make past #2 .How addicted are we? Well it’s like that chocolate you keep hidden. It’s our guilty pleasure. I’ve been asked if there is a 12-step program. No there isn’t, but if I’m short of cash I may start working on it. I have been engaged in Bach conversations with bank presidents, personal trainers, macho painter guys and high powered exec types, so no guilt ok? Relax and plunk that chunk of Chocolate beside you and enjoy the ride, while Sher and I again walk your way through romance 101 ABC style. Thank god I didn’t sign on for Average Joe. I’m sure Meredith feels the same way.
Yes Meredith. The same Meredith who was dumped by sleazeBob who was dumped by OTTTrista who was dumped by ickyAlex . (I have a theory about reality TV contestants all leading somehow back to Mike Boogie from Big Brother 1, but I can’t quite prove it.) Mer is famous for using her dead granny to try and snare Bob. Unlike Jonny Fairplay of Survivor fame, it wasn’t a fake dead granny. It was a real one. Suffice it to say it was one of the all time oh god, that’s gross, how could you do that moments in ALL of Reality TV. Spare the cards and E-mails, no she did NOT have to drag Bobby graveside while mic’d and on camera. ABC shows the grave AGAIN just to punctuate their bad taste.
As Mer recovered quickly from Gran, she also recovered quickly from Bob. She started filming B’ette 2 within a week of the reunion show, and claims the show has a happy ending. Yeah like we haven’t heard that before. Good luck to her, and I hope it does work out. Hold the diamond and platinum shoes this time.
Chris Harrison is back for another round of Robo host. He seems quite taken with Mer saying, “She’s the most real human we have had.” (I always knew Trista was a Fembot.) I hope Chris knocks back a few beers with the guys and finally loosens up. Production note – they aren’t going to fire you 6 rounds in.
First up is a mini bio of Meredith. She was shy, so Mom dragged her to modeling school. We have a quick trip through lots of bad 80’s hair. She graduated with a Bach of Fine arts from one of Oregon’s fine universities. I didn’t catch which one, but a FA degree is usually accompanied by a fast food apron, and the saying “would you like fries with that”. Luckily, Mer drew on her modeling time and used her education to become a makeup artist. She skedaddled for LA where those sorts hang out.Post Bachelor she has taken up cooking back home (for profit), aka culinary school. Back to the apron that her degree entitled her to I guess. ABC was apparently spammed with applicants who wanted Meridee’s hand post boot. Hogwash. Give me 5 Clay Aiken fans, and I’ll show you what being spammed is all about. I have it on good authority these guys had already applied, and only found out shortly before that it was Meredith. One of the boys (ok it was Lanny) admitted to having the hots for Kelly-Jo.
Meredith pulls up to Bachelor pad 6 in a limo and is greeted by Chris. ( New digs. I wonder if they ever settled the lawsuits from last time? I’m sure there are lots of empty LA mansions only too happy to take the ABC cash.)
Mer looks stunning. The ABC makeup artists went to a different school obviously. On sleazeBob using her own skills, she looked kind of dowdy.
Chris and Meredith sit down for the obligatory pre hunk-parade chat.
Why ?- To find someone who wants to be with me. (Most people do kind of look for that anyway Mer)
Blamed- herself for not opening up and decided this was the way to put herself “out there” (I will now resist the equally obligatory street walker joke)
Trista- hello this works! She got maaaarried. (Really, I must have missed that, was it publicized?)
25 hand picked men = 1 at least with husband material (25 guys on the street will give you the same odds, but why be picky )
Meredith stands outside and waits. There are no Meredith !! Meredith !! chants from the Limos and not even an inside the limo camera. (Kind of proves my point about the applicants.) In fact, as they keep getting out it’s apparent that a combo of Jolt cola and coffee must have been served. These boys are as skittish as sleazBob was with Estella hanging off of him at Trista’s wedding.
First out is Matthew - (28, Drug Deale....er Pharmaceutical salesman, TX) The Jolt cola kicks in , as he forgets to tell his name . Mer likes him, and in confessional he says he’ll be the last man standing.
Rick –(29, in various media outlets was described as an entrepreneur, tour company operator, and business owner. He also told the media he drank more than he had at any other time in his life at the Bachfrat house) He notes he has a gift for her later that will “comfort her in this journey she is about to embark on.” I see our friend, mystery cue card man, has already found Rick.
Lanny – (26, stallion and breeding manager.[I’m not touching that one after watching Nicole Ritchie and the arm length glove]He admitted to having the hots for Kelly-Jo.) He tells her she looks fantastic and claims in the confessional to being a good southern Baptist boy. He likes to hang out and drink beer, and hopes someday to share that with his kids. I’m hoping he means the SB values and not the beer.
Justin – (25, pro baseball player for the Portland [Maine] Sea Dogs) He kind of runs by and says he wants to share the baseball experience with a family.
Sean – (31, CPA, only sites “various sports”) He's a CPA . It's a real job.
Ryan R- (29, sales/marketing) Recently performed his twin bros wedding. Wants to set up a billboard to propose to Mer. Stalker #1
Brian- (31, Sports Facility Manager) Was hung up on sharing Mer with the other guys
Damon- (29, Arena football player Colorado Crush) Asked if this was the Bach party, then told Mer he was “the entertainment”
Keith- (31, Financial Analyst) Claims Mama & sisters taught him how to treat a lady
Cory- (24, Small Business Owner) He grew up on the beach and no matter what they’ll be living there. I hope he tells her the beach is in Jersey.
Chad-(31, Drug Dealer #2) Woo Hoo, Mer is thrilled he’s so tall.
Andy- (33, Dentist) Quick run by. He’s cute.
Todd- (36, Restaurant-Brewery owner, won the bachFrat house contest for best impersonation of HostChris) He says girls usually fight over him. Must be the impersonations
Eliot- (25, Options trader ) Commented on how from watching bach sleazBob that Mer had some of the attributes he was looking for.
Aaron- (32- Title and Escrow sales) Cryptically noted he’s never been married before. Tells Mer she looks outstanding and vows she’ll forget about Bob.
Marcus- (26- Personal Trainer) Real looker, says Mer is “amazing” in person. Was so amazed he too forgot to give his name.
Harold (29- Pro Hockey Player with Granby Predateurs) Ready to fall in love. Gives Mer a hockey jersey with “Bachelorette” on it from his former championship team . Yeah they put crappy pics up on the website as usual , so here’s Harold, Mer and the jersey. [IMG]images/img/hersh2.jpg[/IMG]
Y’all know I will always root for the hockey guy. Confidential to the Mallards – you traded Harold to get Keli Corpse? – Bwa ha ha – nevermind, just ask Brett Lindros for Keli stories. Back to Bachelorette land
Jeff- (30, Drug Dealer #3) Says he’s “grounded” . I’d ground my kids too if I found out they were drug dealers
Brad – (29, Drug Dealer #4, veteran of many blind date fix-ups by his friends) Calls Mer stunning. Says he’s an old fashioned guy that can’t wait to be a soccer dad. Already admits to driving a mini van
Robert – (32 , Alliance Development [3-2-1 – Huh?])Claims to like laughing his butt off. wants to go in and meet his future best men. Only thing I could find on Alliance development on the net was some creepy cult site wanting your money
Trever- (35, Network engineer) Says the worst thing that could happen is that he could fall madly in love. NW guys always quote worst case scenarios.
Anselem-(32, Art designer) Admits to freaking people out when he falls in love with them. I think they have a whole section of law dealing with guys like this. Stalker #2
Ryan M-(30, Financial Advisor) Falls in love easily. Thought Mer looked so good in real life, he too forgot his name. Stalker#3.
Ian- (29, Equity Research Sales) Oddly claimed to be retired and homeless. Wants to travel. Homeless guys who travel are called Hobos. Hope Mer doesn’t expect platinum class. She even had to fix his tie because well, if he’d just gotten it from the Sally Ann he probably had no clue how to tie it.
Mer claps her hands and tells Chris there are “some keepers” in the bunch. Count em, only 3 guys with real jobs Mer.
Meredith enters the party, and she is so giddy I suspect she’s been into the Jolt Cola too. One of the guys offers her a drink and she says – yup I’ll take 25. Party Hardy. Bob who?
Mer sashays from one over eager drug dealer to another. Kind of like a pimp party, only Mer is the gal pickin the talent. Oh yeah, producer Mike Fleiss is famous pimp girl Heidi’s first cousin. Now we know where the idea came from. The Hollywood celeb girls can expect a home delivery soon. They already have the limos. ( I saw a hooker being delivered by one in Vegas once so you have first hand testimony that’s how these things happen , and no I’m not going to elaborate.) Mike’s prolly printing up the “menu” right now.
Back to Mer. There wasn’t much going on. She sat a few laps – “how you doin” . Someone likens himself to a sperm . I think it was artist guy Anselm who didn’t have a shot anyway, so gets another drink. The Alpha males are swarming around Mer in a very sperm to egg way while he is whining, and no he isn't one of them.
Someone puts his coat on Mer and asks her to pull monkeys out of the pocket. Ok that’s creepy, and no I didn’t see who and wasn’t about to rewind my tape again. Eww – I’d be calling security.
Two of the San Fran guys feel the need to tell Mer that even though they are from “there”, that no they aren’t “together”. No sh** Sherlock as my Italian granny used to say. Did you really think Mer thought you took the wrong turn at the Boy meets Boy set? I’m sure your thinly veiled homophobia really impressed her.
Ian is having trouble pronouncing Oregon, Mer is helping. Hooked on phonics doesn’t always work y’know. His question about being outdoorsy makes me think of Hobos again.
The nights winner is Rick ,who produces a pair of pink slippers with roses on the side.(From one of his many mystery companies.) Mer finally gets his “journey” joke from earlier. I do like the slippers, but oh they have the smell of product placement on a major TV show. Very nice, Mer doesn’t even know she’s been had. I’ll just sit back, watch the rest of the show with my Firestone merlot, and silently congratulate Rick. I’m sure his slipper co is getting internet hits as we speak.
As Mer has said in many interviews, Chad came from no-where and cornered her. Chad is the tall guy who felt the need to share the fact his dad was dead. Please don’t let the hometown visit include the graveyard.
Ryan M twists her arm till she admits to being a golfer. This may mean nothing to Ryan, but post Bachelorette, we do have a Fort golfer in Mers area.
Keith who had previously forced himself on Mer, pronounces himself a "gift" and is so sure he’s getting a rose. Oh Keith, that’s reality TV’s kiss of death.
Chrishost comes in and tells Mer to “control her men”. Ha Ha an ad lib , very nice Chris. To a chorus of boos, Mer is lead into the famous bachelorette chamber. By now there should be a secret handshake or something. Chris notes she’s pretty giddy, which translated means she's probably hammered from the champagne. Maybe she really did have those 25 drinks after all. Chris tells Mer they have a twist – oh no it’s the famous “White Rose”. Does the white rose guy gets to sleep with Mer, or do the other guys get to beat him up for the worst performance? Naw it’s just the first one on one date. When you think of it, it might mean the first thing I said anyway.
Chris goes down and breaks the white rose news to the guys, along with the regular bla bla speech we are all so familiar with by now.He then goes and escorts Mer down the stairs so she doesn’t fall in her drunken stupor. We don’t want to have to film that puppy a bunch of times.
It’s ok guys , Mer has “followed her heart”. Not like we haven’t heard that one either, but when you have drunk a couple of bottles of champagne sometimes following your heart isn’t a good thing. Ask Britney Spears.
Yay Harolds up first ! It was the jersey I tell you. He’s followed by Todd, Marcus, Brad and Ryan M. Ian decides to say “I do” prompting a nervous laugh from the testosterone chorus. Chad knocks over Anselm to get his rose. Lanny does some gurgly sound while accepting his. Robert must have ADD, as he has forgotten why he is here and almost forgets to go get his. Sean, Ryan R and Damon are next. I think they are clones of the same guy. Elliot and Matthew are pinned next, leaving RoboChris to announce yet again - there is one rose left. Chris we can count. Really we can, and this time you even gave us a different color to warn us. Rick the slipper guy gets the mystery rose prompting him to claim she saw through the slippers to his heart. Um yeah ok Rick; diamonds are forever not clown foot slippers.
The rejects pile into the limo. Keith seems especially miffed. Even in a drunken stupor Mer could see you were an egotistical meathead – goodbye you are the weakest link. (ok I always wanted to say that)
Mer grabs yet another bottle ..er glass of champagne and toasts to "the ride" . I’m totally thinking she means the limo taking away the castoffs.
Tune in next week while Sher weighs in on her thoughts on the Fab 15 . I’m sure we’ll see lots of fun antics from the bachFrat house.
This is Eny’s round 5 at the Bachelor/ette crew. We were in a different place when Alex was around. I’m sure y’all will fill me in on what I missed – like who is the guy with the monkeys. If you have any dirt on Mer or her courtiers, or if you want to explain your best friends/family members/neighbors on air actions - email@example.com
Last edited by eny; 06-02-2004 at 03:19 PM.
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