I definitely decided on a Survivor theme for this occasion. I don’t know who is going to cave first, Ryan or me. It’s kind of like one of those final episode endurance challenges.

The wedding preview begins with Trista’s story in reality TV. First we see her and Alex (Ewww, what were they thinking?) Alex dumps her, and Trista does the first loser rant & weep in the limo. Thankfully, we only see her dates with Ryan from the Bachelorette. She claims they fell in love in Seattle. Who knew Seattle was romantic? Of course, I never spent any time with Ryan there.

Chris’s voice over comes on, and you know what the means. The most annoying reality TV narration ever. Chris promises us this wedding will be .... wait for it...... “One of the largest, most luxurious weddings EVER”.
I don’t buy largest , as Rev Sun Yung Moon isn’t there .I don’t even buy most luxurious, as Liz Taylor and J-Lo are nowhere to be found. How about “the most overproduced, expensive wedding ever on reality TV”. Yup, I’ll buy that. They then show previews of the show leading up to the famous bachelor party . We are then hit with “Against all odds, will they survive?”
Well they aren’t marooned on a beach with only rats and rice to eat, so chances are pretty good they’ll “survive”. Wouldn’t it be cool if there were a gross food challenge?

Back to Trista. We see all of Ms Rehns cover shots from the major mags , including a first ever shot of her as a real bride on Brides magazine. Kind of weird, you would think brides and Brides magazine would sort of go together. She then goes over the crazy whirlwind they’ve been in since the show ended. Being on the “A” list is very hard. Poor Trista.

We then meet Mindy Weiss, the überplanner to the rich and gaudy. Mindy spends a LOT of her time name dropping so we will be really überimpressed. She loves Trista because she is so organized. Remember the ‘Friends’ episode where Monica brought out the wedding plans book? Trista has the same book. Mindy gushes , and promises to change everything til Mon..er.. Trista loves it. The only words out Trista’s mouth are pink PINK and PINK. Huge opportunity missed here to get Pepto-Bismol or Owens-Corning Insulation, as yet another sponsor.

It’s at this point Ryan gets to speak. You remember Ryan, he’s the groom. He says it’s a great union, but a huge test of their compatibility. Ryan and Trista go off to meet Mindy again, just like any other couple planning a wedding from a stretch limo. We meet Mark the florist. Mindy name-drops whose petals he has done. Mark shows samples and Trista squeals “pink” some more.
More commentary from Ryan, as he notes every table in pink is “too much”. ( He has a Colorado Rockies retro shirt on – I heart Ryan) He says again that getting to this day is a “challenge”.

Perky Mindy offers Ryan some kind of stupid “groom survivor kit”. Ryan asks her if it contains Morphine. I’m glad everyone is noticing by now just how lame Ryan thinks this whole bash is. Even if he is getting paid a million dollars.

Next stop is Lenox china. Mindy name drops who they have made china for previously , as they will be designing their own china pattern. Most people just pick a pattern. Lenox thinks they may cash in, as everyone is going to want Trista /Ryan china. Ryan is the only one to point out that pink sucks for china you use for the rest of your life. The Lenox guy doesn’t seem bright enough to figure that out. He then tries to make a compromise by saying champagne and pink are the same color on china . Um ok . Trista doesn’t object, so I assume that she may have been plied with some already.

Ryan says this whole thing is mentally exhausting, tedious and boring. Funny , Trista doesn’t seem to think spending other peoples money is quite so bad.

Next stop is Blair and Black for the invites. Mindy name drops. Ryan looks at the first one in horror, as it’s some kind of pink Barbie dress thing. He notes that there will be guys at the wedding. Trista looks at him in wonderment. How dare he bring that up?

We next go cake shopping at Michaels “perfect ending”. Ryan perks up at the thought of both “endings”, and the fact he gets to eat some cake. Trista goes gaga at the sight of pink cake with pink edible flowers. I feel queasy. Ryan then notes that Trista asks for his input, but then doesn’t listen to his answer. Note to Ryan – this is what you will be facing for the next 30 yrs or so. Don’t say you had no warning.

Tacori rings are next. Mindy name drops, but notes that no one else will have the same ring. That’s actually true, even if you buy it at Wal-Mart Mindy. Trista screeches with delight at the ring with 200 diamonds. Ryan notes the one he tries on is burning his finger. Trista rolls her eyes and swats him. He obviously hasn’t her tolerance for gaudy and importantly expensive baubles .

Trista takes the time out to talk to her father. Since Dad isn’t footing the bill, he has no say in the wedding, and he’s kind of ticked off. I think it’s more of a power struggle problem, as I can’t imagine he gives a crap about cakes and flowers. I’m sure Ryan would trade places in a heartbeat if he were really keen. I make a mental note that a cameraman is recording Dad on the phone, so hey, this just may be scripted. I’m sure of it, when Dad utters, “Your happiness is all that matters”. Ah, the most dramatic father daughter conversation ever. Well done.

They scout location next. Surprisingly Mindy doesn’t list off everyone important who was married there. Ryan is scouting the location of the bar in relation to where he is standing. A gazebo covered in pink will be perfect. Trista does a practice run across the grass. Ryan looks like he found either the bar or the Morphine, as he stands still and doesn’t move or blink.

We then get an ad dedicated to T-mobile. R& T send a T- mobile photo message to their friends to meet them in NYC. If you don’t happen to have T- mobile with image and text activated it was kind of useless. They were probably called on a normal phone and told when and where to go.

I also wonder why NYC, as Trista is from St Louis , and Ryan from Colorado. I soon find out why. We are visiting Badgley and Mishka for the dress. Mindy of course, name drops. Mom gets tears while watching Trista try on the expensive wedding gowns. I’m sure she’s glad she isn’t footing the bill. She then gives a perfectly scripted ode to her daughter finally “flying off on her own.” I’m sure she thinks we have forgotten Bachelor 1 where we found out Trista lived in Miami and the parents in St Lou. She apparently flew off a long time ago mom. Maybe it’s the champagne that has been so thoughtfully supplied.

We get to go shoe shopping next. Yay! , Only we end up at Stuart Weitzman and not Payless. Junky old Manolos aren’t good enough, as Stuart is making Trista shoes encased in diamonds and platinum. Trista gets “the most expensive bridal shoes ever”. How nauseatingly over the top. I think this is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I almost change the channel - really.

Trista and Ryan’s friends converge on NYC to dish on how dishy Ryan is and how high maintenance Trista is. They are then informed they are the wedding party , with Chris – Ryan’s bro and Sarah winning out as the main attendants. Don’t you usually ask people?

We then get to follow the girls and guys to pick out wedding clothes. Trista opts for pink to no ones surprise. They at least get to choose their own style. I’m sorry but pink looks good on no-one over five. Some of the dresses are really ugly , but then that’s the trademark of a bridesmaid dress.
The guys show some life while picking out tuxes. Ryan & co opt for no pink anywhere, even though its been made clear pink ties and accessories are in order. heh heh . Sher revoked Ryan’s man card for the poems during the Bachelorette. I ‘m giving it back temporarily, for daring to go against Trista’s pink edict. I’m sure Sher will revoke it again at the first sign of wussiness.

Speaking of those poems, Ryan’s bro gives him a dig about them. Hopefully Chrisbro , not to be confused with Chrishost, will reclaim even more of Ryan’s masculinity before the big day.

Tune in next week for “the most dramatic bachelor party ever.” We all know Ryan goes awol on the production crew as, he’s really po’d at their manipulation. Ah yes Chrisbro is having an effect already.

Sher’s turn next. She’s somewhere eating turkey right now and couldn’t watch this episode. Lucky her. Had she watched the shoe part, she might have been as queasy as I was. Free shoes and gaudy baubles to enygma@fansofreality.com