The Bachelor Reunion Recap-"I Want What They're Taking"
I always enjoyed the tell all shows. Some new dirt was dished, and of course the nasties always prove why they really got the hook. Christi from B2 is still the queen of being even more squirrelly in real life than on the show. I really thought Lee Ann would do the same. Boy was I wrong.
The show opened, and I really swear they were all sedated. You remember that old movie the Stepford Wives? I heard they were remaking it. I just didnít realize they had done it on the set of The Bachelor. Maybe they should call this - how could a good show go so bad? It was like I was recapping Fame again, only Debbie Allen didnít show, and Bob has shown us before he canít dance.
Our buddy Chris has finally started to warm up a bit after his 5th try a being host here. The same tired stuff is still pouring out of his yap though. The girls are all displayed on the couches with their Holy Crap this might be my last time on TV smiles. I am reminded of a deer in the headlights. Chris introís all of them. I swear I donít remember half of them, but then about half got the cut day 1. Still I usually recall something.
There was a very subdued vibe. Where they threatened or something? Weird.
First up is Mary. They go out of their way to note her as the oldest bachelorette ever . Mary retaliates by saying "Iím not desperate , really Iím not. Iím so not desperate and the fact you can all hear my bio clock ticking means NOTHING." She made Bob cry when speaking of her parents. We have a replay of the - Iím NOT waiting 5 years.
I donít have freaking 5 years. Bob, your boys will be swimming around ready to make triplets at any time til youíre 80, I think Iím ovulating as we speak.
We are then treated to another shot of that kiss where she looks like sheís trying to twist his head off. Creepy. Maybe she thinks heís one of those blow up dolls. She notes it was difficult to watch, and that this heartbreak was as hard or harder than the OTHER 2 guys she was engaged to. Well Mary if you treated the other two like sperm donors, Iím not surprised they jumped out the washroom window at the restaurant while you were waiting for them to return. Between clenched teeth she says she only wishes good things for him.
Lanah from the audience asks the obvious. ďWhy did you go into to detail about the baby thing?, Wait till heís wrapped around your finger you stupid cow.Ē Ok, I made up the stupid cow part, but we ALL know she was thinking it.
Merideeeee takes the witness stand next.
Chrishost- Ms Meridee is your granny really dead ?
M- Whatever do you mean?
Christhost- Isnít it true you slipped your Mom five hundred bucks to make a certain call to ABC?
M- That money was to feed my cats while I was away.
Christhost- Not only is there a lack of cats in your house, you know as well as I do that your granny is on a bus trip to Branson MO. Isnít that right Merideeeeeee
M- Ok I confess. I would have done anything for BOB. *sobs uncontrollably*
OK I made that up too. It didnít really happen, but the real thing was so boring my mind wandered.
Merideth comes in and sits down. Sheís had her hair cut, and looks pretty good. They show the phone call, and then her leaving for the date. Bob is floored because no-one has bothered to tell him about the death, and heís pissed. They show bits and pieces of the ďworst downer date everĒ. They edited out the parts where she really was crying her heart out, which was apparently a lot of the time. Bummer.
When she gets to Portland with Bob, and a second chance at proving sheís not a weeping pile of mush, SHE plans the outing ďheíll never forgetĒ. To grannyís grave. They keep showing him saying he wanted to get to know her when things werenít shrouded in gloom. Bad choice Merideth. Bad choice ABC. It was tasteless, and coming from Reality TV thatís really saying something. Merideth is still pondering what went wrong. ďItís all my fault for not opening up.Ē Someone slap her, and tell her you donít bring folks you hardly know graveside. Please. She at least seemed embarrassed by her crying jag limo ride comments.
We next relive life with this seasons nutty over the top bachelorette, Lee Ann. She thinks the whole thing was a fairy tale gone badly. Lee Ann, in case you never noticed, the wicked witches always go bye bye in fairy tales. Itís the nice people that win out. You must not have been paying attention in kindergarten.
She then compares the show to a soap opera. Wrong again sweety. The witches end up losing there too. It just takes longer.
Lee Ann says it all goes back to the Hollywood date. You know, the one where we thought Mary and Kelly Jo seemed to have all of the attention. Lee Ann thinks it they were jealous of all the attention she got. Hello Lee Ann, after Maryís pole dance, Bob didnít realize anyone else was even there. Take a Thorazine.
We then see a replay of all of her outbursts and rants.
The one where she said she didnít care if anyone liked her.
The one where she complained no one liked her.
The one where she threatened to leave.
They didnít show the one where they tied her on to a stretcher, and sedated her so she couldnít hurt herself or anyone else. That one will probably show up on Smokinggun.com someday with Paris Hiltonís homemade porn and Christa Hastieís drug musings.
Chris gently asks her if she thought she brought some of the grief on herself (then adjusts the Kevlar jacket he borrowed from the croc hunter) Whew, she only gives a little rant about how everyone was jealous. Maybe the meds are finally kicking in. He then asks her if she has regrets. Her face goes blank and she says, ďI should have worn the cream dressĒ Thanks goodness for high quality pharmaceuticals.
We are then treated to evidence of the supposed ďageĒ war in the bachelorette house. Boy are they digging. My finger twitches on the remote, but I remember my ultimate duty is to the FoRT. No matter how ugly it gets, I must stay at my post. Itís only a cheerleader war, not an age one anyway.
Misty, Brooke and KJ were cheerleaders. Even though Iím not one, I like cheerleaders. They are always well ... cheery and happy. Meredith, Estella and Mary do not like being cheery, or even to pretend that cheery people exist before noon. They want to brood and b*tch over coffee in the morning like the rest of us. Bottom line, they finally got Meredith drunk enough to do a cheer for Bob. She sucked. The world is made up of cheerleaders and non-cheerleaders. Deal with it Mere, Youíll be happier. (I have accepted my own coffee/brooder status)
Attention turns back to the girls on the stage. An audience member asks Lindsay D if it stunk more to be cut mid show than at the end. She replied it did. We are not surprised at this revelation, and hope in future ABC doesnít repeat it. We are happy with all of the usual lame things we expect from the Bachelor rose ceremony already thank you. Donít add in another one.
They ask Mary whom she thought Bob would have picked. She answers - well Duh. Me you twit.
Suddenly Bob makes a ďsurpriseĒ appearance. Well it really was a surprise, since Andrew couldnít show up at the last one. The Stepford girls all snap to attentive beauty queen smiles and posture at the sight of Bob.
This is very odd, as at least one usually has some nastiness prepared for the reunion show. Iím guessing that again, pharmaceuticals are involved.
Bob discusses kissing (and more kissing). Even Estellaís mom wanted some sugar. People just like to kiss Bob. Bob likes to kiss to ďtest the chemistryĒ. Iím guessing he has always been a real ďgee weíve run out of gas what shall we doĒ kind of guy. Mary says again how much she loves Bob. Bob looks stunned and repeats the compliment. So NOT true Mary. I hope she realizes he was just being nice, and doesnít start stalking him. Speaking of stalkers, Lee Ann must have gotten a higher dose, timed to coincide with Bobís entry. Her eyes donít even blink.
Someone in the audience asks Bob if he slept with anyone. Bob squirms around and doesnít answer. He knows if he lies, it will end up online, probably with photos.
ďShowing the kissing on TV is OK, but Iím not talking about itĒ, he squeaks out. So Bob doesnít crack and fess up to how many he nailed, they cut to video montages for KJ, Estella and the finale.
Oh boy, itís gonna be the ďbiggest finale of the seasonĒ At this little blurb, Iím wondering if they filmed an alternate ending or something. Of course itís the biggest finale ďthis seasonĒ. Itís the only one. Twits.
Tune in next week for the big show. Sher and I will be co- capping that one, as it will probably be way more than either of us can handle alone. That, and if one of us drifts off , the other will probably be awake and wonít miss anything.[/sarcasm] Iím sure weíll both tape it just in case.
No pharmaceuticals were involved in the viewing or re-capping of this episode. There was however, some yelling at the dog involved, when he started barking way too loudly at something he saw outside. Coffee fund at email@example.com
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