Welcome to Jeff Corwin and the King of the Jungle. Stay tuned for the most ďshocking elimination everĒ.

Clicking through the channels, thatís what I heard anyway. I started watching, thinking the Bachelor had just got a cute new host. Alas, it wasnít true- and no sign of Bob, but there were some predatory creatures around. I guess they just based King of the Jungle on our dear Bachelor show. Bummer, I could look at JCís khaki clad butt, much longer than Robo Chrisís. I wonder if they get a swiss army knife instead of a rose?

On to the original King of the Jungle show, with Bob Guiney.

Our Bachelorettes move out of the mansion leaving enough used feminine hygiene products and damage behind, to prompt a major lawsuit from the homeowners. Hope our Bobola isnít looking for one of those old-fashioned types who like to clean. The whole group liked living in a pigsty according to the court documents. I just have to interject a *EWWW* right about now.
We have a shot of Bob also packing for his trip looking rather Eminemish in his fetching knit cap. No lawsuits were filed on Bobís house, so I assume heís a little neater. The Four girls are off to their respective cities and their families , and Bob will visit each. I fully expect to see Lee Ann stalking Bob as he goes city to city .

First up is Mary in Tampa FL. At Maryís house Bob is greeted by Maryís loudly ticking biological clock. They discuss a perfect Sunday with their two boys, a girl and two dogs, at the beach. Mary has apparently forgotten she will be in Detroit. Mary Ė you do not want to take your kids or your dogs to a beach in Detroit. Trust me on that one. If you arenít surrounded by dumpsters, chances are youíll end up in one.
Bob and Mary then go to Maryís sister Carmenís home. The whole family is anxiously awaiting their arrival, with the faint hope that finally they will marry her off. The family is from Cuba , and I suspect in Cuba you could be a grandmother by the time you are 35. Her mom and dad ( Juan and Juana )are the cutest. Mom came up to Bobís waist she was so tiny. They only speak Spanish, and I expect a lot more was said about Bob than he understood. Mary was secretly hoping that that Bob didnít remember the Spanish lessons she gave the other girls, by him announcing usted es feo y su hija es estķpida(you are ugly and your daughter is stupid). Bob just sits and looks like he understands what dad is saying, even though he hasnít got a clue. Meanwhile Carmen corners Mary in the bathroom for a Bob review. Mary thinks Mary Guiney sounds cool. Carmen is just glad to be planning a wedding, as are all of the family in the kitchen. I get the impression they donít much care who the groom is. Papa gives a nice little speech about not doing any harm to Mary , and that as long as sheís happy he is. Who let him in here? Donít they know the parents are supposed to grovel as much as the contestants? Back at Maryís house again , Bob remarks on her wanting to have kids right away. Heís not so sure thatís right for him. Mary sticks her tongue in his ear to drown out the ticking bio clock. Bob says sheís looking for something ďfirm and solidĒ. I think if she keeps that up, she just might find something.


Off to Wheaton IL next to see Kelly Joís family. As Kelly Joeís dad has passed on, Bob is confronted with 5 of her female relatives, who have apparently decided to throw the bachelorette party a little early. They decide Bob is the entertainment, and they each take their turns kissing, hugging and drooling over him. Mom declares that Joey (who I assume is KJís absent father) would have loved him. Over dinner and the biggest wine glasses Iíve ever seen, they chat about nothing special. Mom pulls Bob aside after dinner and we all assume itís for a warning or a question session. Nuh- uh. KJís mom goes over the plusses of picking her over the other girls. Mom has obviously been brainstorming with the producers over this little piece of perfect reality TV. On the way out, one of ladies gives Bob a generous pat on the butt. She may have even stuck a twenty in there- Iím not quite sure.
Back at Bobís hotel room , itís another one of those fire hazard dates with about a hundred candles burning. They muse about their dreams , and Bob notes that most all, itís very quiet with no Biological clock ticking since KJ is eleven years younger than Mary. She does make a pitch for a rose though.
They must have turned off the smoke detectors.

Bobís next stop is Portland OR (or PDX as our frequent flyer Moderator Bill calls it). Bob says he wants to make sure his feelings arenít just based on his sympathy over grannyís death. They spend some time in the pool. Meredith notes that Bob has the Ďpotentialí to be the one , and that he makes her feel safe. Ooo - hot stuff. As a real turn on, she then drags him to grannyís grave. Itís the worst pity pitch for someone Iíve ever seen, and not just on TV.
At the parents house, we meet Sandy Ė Ed and brother Matt. Dad talks finances, Mom talks Oprah , Bob offers his condolences , and the family shrugs it off. I get the feeling granny wasnít a well-loved one. Meredith says Bob is caring and attractive- unlike anyone she has ever dated. Iím wondering what she was dating before. Oregon is Sasquatch territory you know. Bob really looks uncomfortable, but Ed seems to like him. In a confessional Bob notes things have been really heavy with Meredith. Uh no kidding, a grave visit on a date with someone you hardly know.

Bobby gets to have a bit of fun, as next heís jetting off to Beverly Hills to see Estella. Estella moved out of home and set up shop in Beverly Hills at 15. I have to check again what it is she does. Oh yeah- mortgage broker- just like Bob. I have a feeling thatís a lot more lucrative in BH than it is in Detroit Bob. Her Mom stops by to see what her pooterbuns has dragged in this time. Bob is popular with this mom too. She asks what Bob is looking for. He answers Fun, family a great sense of self and a big heart. This is ok with Mom as she thought that maybe he was after her money, since Estella seems to be doing well. Estella apologizes for her moment in Vegas when she realized that Bob was dating others. She is very glad to be out of that damned bachelorette house, so she can pretend there is no one else. Mom declares heíd be a good man for my baby.At least she doesn't call her pooterbuns again.


Bob says every oneís family was brilliant, and that he is screwed.


Back in reality, which in Bachelor land is Bobís mansion, we have to face yet another ďdramatic rose ceremonyĒ. Iím really wishing Jeff Corwin would make an appearance just to liven things up. These things always remind me of a funeral . Notjeffcorwin asks Bob how he is. Bob states that meeting the families has given him ďpauseĒ. I think Bob has been reading too many scripts lately. We watch the I want Bobby vids, While Chris greets the ladies.
They are pretty much the same video, although Meredith does ask for a rose. Bob is stone faced, as we all know that the camera watching often picks up the Bachelors true feelings. Bob obviously remembers this.

Chris greets Estella with a kiss. Whats up with that? Is Chris, after watching all these contestants, finally moving in on the leftovers?
Bob comes in and uses the line that Trista used on him when she dumped him. If I had four roses to give out, I would give them out to all of you. Chris tells the girls Bob had struggled with the decision. The editing boys then went to work to find the most unflattering close ups of the remaining girls.

Bob starts off with I care about all of you. Then he gives roses to Estella and Kelly Jo. Robo Chris then comes in again and I hope for the last freakin time, says one rose left. Yes moron we can count, now go away. Mary gets the last Rose.

Meredithís pity plea didnít work; Bob says they werenít there as a couple. Meridee says sheís pissed.

Iím hoping our resident PDX bachelor candidate (and he would be such a good one too), doesnít meet up with cemetery Meridy outside the safe confines of a Starbucks.

Tune in next week for the overnight dates and the ever-popular ďsurpriseĒ offer for the couples to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Our King of the Jungle may get conjugal. Oh and remember ...the Hawaii girl always tanks...

Iím so jealous that Sher gets to do the overnight dates. No-one has ever outdone Amanda from B1 on those. Sane Comments and offers of cash to enygma@fansofrealitytv.com