Remember when the Bachelor first came on? It was quiet , sedate , and all the gals waited 50’s style on Bachelor Alex ‘s every move. Eww I said Alex.

Fast-forward and we have our designated Bob, a real guy for the Bachelor. Unfortunately for Bob (probably our male viewers will say FORTUNATELY) they have picked the cast from Girls gone Wild – LA , for Bob to choose from. I mean, insert the bow-chicka–bow soundtrack and you’d have a decent porn movie. Er- Not that I’ve ever seen one you understand. Last week when Bob’s Babes came on the scene, hooting and banging on the limo’s windows, I expected Bobby to strip to a G-string and give us the R-rated version of the Bob dance from his Bachelorette days. (Sadly for us – this didn’t happen.) Anyway, tonight we are promised the “Most Heartbreaking Rose Ceremony ever”. Oooo a different tag line , I’m intrigued.

First up is the over hyped ambulance trip. From the previews we assumed someone had a bad panic attack, or tried to jump off the roof of the Bachelorette pad or something. Nu-uh , Antoinette had a kidney infection. A quick trip to the hospital , some antibiotics, and the jello diet for a few days , and she’s fine. No blood, gore or dramatics . Bummer. We knew it was nothing serious , just the “Most Dramatic Ambulance Trip Ever"– yawn .

Chris runs down the date protocol , and in his best Jiffy Probstinator voice declares – “ Don’t assume anything”.
I perk up, expecting the patented Survivor start to the dates –
Bachelorettes – Ready - Go !!
Ah no such luck , but it would have been fun to send them off for the first date-box that way.
Go Kelly- Jo , you are in the lead Ha ha – that would have been so great.

Chris also adds, that on one of the dates 5 will go out, and only four will come back. You won’t know which date it is until HE shows up. Oh good – find more screen time for Robo-Chris. “ It’s the Most Dramatic Date Ever”
Seriously - someone slap me...

Kelly-Jo has retrieved the date box. Brooke, Karin, Meredith and Kelly –Jo are going to San Francisco. Oh TICKETS coos Kelly- Jo. Of course poor Antoinette, still in emergency with the other half of the film crew was supposed to go on this date too. Meredith , (ever the sympathetic soul) declares – one less to worry about. Ouch , watch your back girls.

Since they are flown in a private jet , I’m wondering what the tickets are for. Ah yes , a cruise boat ride. On the boat, Bob opens the conversation by giving a wedding lecture. He’s instructing them on who is and isn’t coming to the wedding. Meredith pipes up, and declares she’d get married in a 7-11 complete with matching slurpees. A trailer park girl at heart I see.
To the dismay of the others , Bob takes Brooke for a quiet talk. Somehow a bit of class has slipped in the middle of Girls Gone Wild crew, and Bobby is intrigued. They discuss family and other real life stuff.
Just when things are quiet , we are treated to a visit from the mayor of San Francisco , leading Bob to let us in on the fact he loves Rice-A-Roni. What’s next, a reference to the joys of Kraft Dinner ? We get a quick view of Karin ( a fellow mortgage gal) and Kelly Jo takes time out to worry about Antoinette missing out of the fun. Don’t tell Meredith. Speaking of Meredith, somehow she has found a bed and has lured Bob into it. Is this girl a pro or what? Where are they? – I have no clue. All I know is suddenly Bobby is in bed with her, trading some heavy lip action. I’m yelling at Bob to get the hell out of there. I think this girl may have been studying the black widow spiders found back at the Bachelorette mansion. Bobbbbyyyy!

If any cares about poor Antoinette, she was released from the hospital, and sent back to the GGW (Girls Gone Wild) house to a lukewarm reception at best. 2 hugs, and the rest of them are like – You should be in San Francisco now. Sucks to be you, maybe you don’t get a date. I think they should have given the poor girl an extra down filled jacket for the extreme frost conditions inside the house. Brrrr
Meanwhile Jenny and Lee- Ann are in the hot-tub asking Mary for dirty little Spanish nothings to whisper in Bobs ear. Mary is happy to comply with the Spanish lesson
Bob you are so hot. ~ Bob usted es feo – Mary is laughing as this means Bob is Ugly
I love you Bob~ Su madre es fea – Mary is cracking herself up, as now his mother is ugly
Marry me Bob ~ Usted es estúpido y le odio – Mary gets out of the hot-tub before she pees herself laughing, as not only is he stupid-but they hate him.
She’s hoping Bob paid attention in Spanish class.

The next Bachelorette challenge is the Helicopter ride. This is followed closely by the teenie weenie Bikini competition at the W hotel pool, starring Kristi, Jen, Estella, Lindsay from California and that tramp in the size 2 bikini, Misty. Seethe, Seethe, Estella hopes Misty is sent home for unfair bikini size, as does Lindsay. Misty sits down with Bob, and says coyly “so who are you gonna dump, Bob?” Bob gives her a smooch to shut her up. Estella gets a private massage with Bob. Some girl who looks like she escaped from the ‘wild women behind bars’ vids is the masseuse. Estella skipped out of home when she was 16, and is a fellow mortgage broker. That gets her a smooch. They all gather afterward for more booze, groping and fawning over Bobby. Chris shows up and dings his wine glass like the best man wanting a kiss from the main couple. What, the wedding is already? Nope, somehow someone has decided to add yet another rose ceremony to the show. How tedious. Estella, Misty, Kristi and Jen are given white roses. Red haired Lindsay is packed off into the limo for yet another dramatic teary-eyed confessional ride. This is a bad twist. Enough is enough, okay guys?

Back at the mansion, blonde Lindsay , Lee-Ann, Antoinette, Lanah, Mary and Jenny prepare for a night in Hollywood complete with feather boas. Jenny is whining about how unfair it is that Antoinette is going. (This group is giving me frostbite.) Bob and the girls are taken by limo, to Mann’s Theater. They get out of the limo to a cheering crowd and all encase their handprints in cement in the front. I’m noticing it’s not actually in the sidewalk, but above it, to be carted away as soon as the ABC crew has departed. The thought of no-name reality tv contestants next to the Hollywood greats, was kinda turning my stomach a bit. Ok Bob can stay there, but that’s it.
Next we find ourselves at Mr. Lee’s strip club er burlesque theater . Yes that’s the ticket, rename it so it’s palatable for primetime. Of course, this is the scene for the 'Girls Gone Wild' pole dance competition.
Bachelorettes Ready- Bump and Grind Probst never started a competition like this.
From the look of it, the women have some previous experience on the runway, especially senorita Mary. Where is Bob’s mom when you need her? Lee-Ann was taken into one of the private sex er conversation rooms. She tells Bob it’s a dream come true, and is rewarded with a Bob smooch. I’m desperately hoping she means Bob is the dream come true , and not her strip club performance.
(Oh come on people, you all know, it’s one of those things you always wanted to do.)

Ok I have to inject something funny here. Commercial time at my house means a dash to do something real life related, like let the dog out or something. Out of the corner of my eye on TV, while I was dashing around, I saw about 5 girls dressed in camouflage shooting at pop- up targets that came up while they were working their way through a field of tall grass. I ran back to the TV thinking - OK, this is overboard. It was just a commercial. Don’t ask me what the ad was for. Damn, on second thought that would have been great.

Back to the mansion for the promised "Most heartbreaking Rose Ceremony ever", or is that one we already had- I'm confused now.
Bla Bla hard to do, Bla Bla , never thought I’d feel this way. Yes Bob, we’ve heard it before. Are their cue cards somewhere? There are still 10 roses, so some will be re-rosed in the same episode.
Cue the dramatic rose ceremony music. ( did anyone else ever notice how much it resembles the Fear Factor eat bugs music?)
Bob opens with the same story about he always laughed at the bachelors, but now that he’s here, it’s hard. He said how much “I appreciate y’all being here” Bob must be from southern Michigan I guess.
Meredith , Jenny (who does an amazing impersonation of Sandra Bullock’s acceptance routine in Miss Congeniality), Kelly-Jo, Antoinette ( you can’t boot someone sick), Mary, Brooke, Karin, Misty, Estella ( who desperately thanks Bob), and Lee-Ann are red rosed.The others clear the house quickly. The champagne is flowing ASAP.
I’m wondering if next week is going to bring a mud wrestling competition.

Letters and Cards to enygma@fansofrealitytv.com. I take paypal too. Sher and I will alternate re-caps on this very special bobedition of The Bachelor. If we co-wrote each show , it would be about 4 pages long