Tell me I’m not the only one thinking these things are starting to run together. Even ChrisHost hasn’t updated his website since Andrew.
I made fun of the “In the Navy” infomercial that happened on Average Joe, (with the six buff dudes being tracked on the long trip to the show shirtless , shoulder to shoulder ,coming closer and closer, sweat glistening .......excuse me.... I got distracted ). Anyway, it would be great to have something really shocking happen. Not just somebody made an idiot face at ceremony shocking . Maybe like ripping Mers shirt off to reveal S&M sunburst nipple piercings or something. ( or vise- versa, I wouldn’t put it past Lanny or Ian to have some hidden wild side)

We get what we get though. The show opens with a repeat of last week and Ryan R’s hissy fit. Aren’t we all glad he’s gone? KJ , (Meredith’s friend from her bachelor Bob days) , and TJ (her real life friend) , move in with the boys. I’m not sayin , but as for TJ - I smell Will & Grace. That’s a good thing , as I’m sure if they are real life buddies, his taste in guys will compliment hers.

First job is to write a letter explaining why KJ&TJ should give them one of the three one on one dates up for grabs. They are given 1 hr to complete the assignment. I’m sure they were fuming. Crap , no-one told us there’d be a test with essay questions.
The screening committee sits by the pool to interview the guys. They have to read the letter and emote . Jeez no- one told them there’d be an oral exam either. Still, Matt, Lanny and Chad had a great delivery, with leftoverRyan giving his business portfolio yet again. *Yawn* You can shut up now- really .No one ever gave a beside the pool interview as well as Tina Fab from Bach 3 though. She owned it. Still, KJ had tears after Chads letter/performance.

The first video is delivered , and in a strange invasion of the body snatchers moment, leftover Ryan has a pair of Ricks girlie slippers on. In my best soup- nazi voice, I’m telling the TV - No date for you- slipper boy. I’m right, as Mer and a Maserati are shown inviting Chad to dinner.

Mer picks up Chad in said car , and all of the guys are kicking the floor like seven yr olds. I don’t think they cared that much about the date - it was more that Chad got to drive that bitching Quattroporte. He says he thinks he’s James Bond. Um Yeah whatever . They drive to Newport Beach . There are apparently both canals and Gondolas there. Who knew ? I mean besides the folks that live there.
Mer and Chad take a gondola ride with a champagne bucket and indulge in the time honored kiss under every bridge tradition. At least that’s the Venice tradition, but Mer makes sure it’s brought to Cali. They have sushi in this weird pod thing in the water. Mer is stuffing her face, while Chad acts dorky because he’s never had sushi. He says she “made him comfortable” with the sushi. It’s raw fish, not dynamite Chad.. She says he has a big heart , but as he’s a real tall guy , I suspect she’s thinking of other things as well. The date seemed to go well, and while they were out , Matthew was delivered the video and the news he’s next up for some one on one. KJ’s gushing about Matt, but no word on TJ. I think he had a Lanny thing myself.

Matt and Mer take a bi-plane ride to wine country. They should start labelling these dates as endurance runs. If I’m going on a date , get my hair done and dressed up , I don’t think I want a bi-plane to bring me. Meredith has started this thing about looking scruffier with each date. Tina Fab and even Trista are having fits somewhere. They walk through the vineyard , and I’m expecting Andrew Firestone to jump out, and say “hey don’t do it”. Meredith tells Chad she feels like they are boyfriend and girlfriend.

Mean while back in the other whine country - (the Bach house), the boys get the video info that Mer , Brad , Ian, Sean and leftoverRyan are going golfing the next day. That means Lanny has date number three, and is pretty happy about it. TJ ‘s work no doubt.Brad says for the umpteenth time that with no date he’s not getting a rose . Ryan is now in full whine as he corners KJ and demands to know what she’s been telling Mer. He’s “intuitive enough” to know that things have changed . Too bad he’s not intuitive enough to know he’s an idiot and that you don’t rant and rave and roll your eyes at “the friends”. KJ looks like she’s ready to call security.

Back with Matt and Mer, Matt is telling her that you have to get him drunk to hear his accent. She immediately asks what else he gets up to while hammered. Mer is so buzzed she sounds like she swallowed a thesaurus as she gushes he’s genuine-real-serious and wonderful and then rambles on about stars and radios . She then tells him about her former cheatin ways , but assures him it was a long time ago. She then demands to know why he hasn’t kissed her . He obliges , and Mer drapes herself over him. In confessional she says he’s shy, and that she wants him to hold her face ???, and that she could fall in love. Have another bottle Mer, sheesh you have whole winery to drink your way through.

The next day a very hungover looking Mer (dressed hideously) takes the boys to LaCosta for some golf. If these were real golf guys they’d be thrilled by the course, but I don’t think they are. I don’t see drooling. On the way to the course Ryan starts in on Mer with the whining. I have no idea what he said as it sounded like one high pitched whine ending with I don’t believe you. Mer looks around to see if the producers can leave him on the bus. Ian and Sean start whining .During the game there is pretty sucky play on all sides as far as golf goes . Brad was the only one not whining during the game and is rewarded with the first of the lay down talks on this date. Mer can’t talk serious unless she’s laying down I guess. I can’t wait to see her negotiate a mortgage or something. Lucky thing she didn’t become an attorney . They talk and he’s still not whining , but boy does he look like a lousy kisser. No Brad ,don’t swallow her face. Eww, two gone from this date. She lays down with Ian next in a hammock . Ian makes her “melt”. Ian doesn’t believe in verbal confirmation, but knows when he’s gonna “get lucky.” On the golf course "of course", he corrects himself with a grin. Gratuitous shot of a sand trap follows. These camera people have been attending the Mark Brunette film school for reality TV I see.

Lannys date is last up. He been directed to cook dinner for Mer at her place. Mommy has always cooked for him, so he’s a little uneasy, and he actually admits to being scared to death. What is with these guys and fear of food ? Mer admits that she’s not sure about Lanny as she’s a city girl . Ha HA !!! So much for all of that “I’m the outdoorsy type Oregon girl” bull she lathered at the beginning . He doesn’t burn dinner , but it kind of looks like beans & fish. Lucky thing he’s cute.
Mer announces “I want to feel love” and lays down again . She wraps her legs around him and says she wants to ride horses. It looks like you want to ride Lanny Mer, not the horses. At least he’s a better kisser, as she can’t stop kissing him. Right out the door , she doesn’t want to let him go. I’d say it went well.

At the rose party, Mer tells us her future hubby is there, she just doesn’t know who he is yet.
She talks to Ian , (surprisingly in vertical mode), and asks “where he is” .He admits to communication being a weakness, and says he doesn’t expect to tell her everything . He ends with you’ll just have to meet my friends . How odd.
Ryan is still whining about her friends and how they “tainted” the process. They sit and he hammers away at her verbally some more. Man if he’s this bad now, imagine what this guy is like six-months in. I think he has some serious “issues”and needs some intervention.
Sean claims he had no one on one , and tells her she’ll have to take a chance sweety,and adds he has her pitching wedge. Ah the golfer emerges .No wonder he was so quiet at LaCosta . He was there for the golf.
Matt tells her he missed her.
A grim hostChris helps Mer up the stairs .As she’s never without a full glass of wine , it’s a good idea. He asks where her head is, and she replies she’s made a connection with all of them. Chris hands her the stack of letters and tells her they were the ones used to choose the dates. She also has the regular begging vids to help.
Chad calls her Meridee - Bad Bob ref Chad ,Brad tells her he had a “phenomenal time” on the dates. Ian goes on about sharing his life. leftoverRyan blah blah blah meet my folks. Lanny wants her to meet his family. Sean repeats the willing to take risk deal. Matt says it was the best date ever.
Outside Robo runs down the deal again . He’s getting as lame as the Joe Millionaire host. Where is butler Paul when you need him by the way ? Hey - idea ! No more JM as the last one tanked . Lets let Paul do the show.
I’m distracted again. Back to truly the most dramatic rose ceremony ever- really-not kidding.

Mer repeats the “I’ve had a connection with each of you” schtick.
Matthew , Lanny and Chad get the first three roses. Chris tells us yet again it’s the 'last rose' even though we only started with four , and we can count.
The guys look totally freaked out. Have some dignity guys. The girls never fall apart like this at the ceremony.
Last rose goes to Ian.
Sean says she’s losing a good provider . What is this 1954?
Brad says its not easy, and gives the most honorable exit yet. Well done .
Then there’s Ryan -
blahblahblahblahwhodoesn’twant hatblahblahdidn’tgiveitachance blahblah .Just go away. OK?

Next week Meredith’s in the hot seat as she meets everyones mama, including one that tells her "she better be there" for her son, and one that tells her "she don’t want no Yankee boys". I’m thinking someone doesn’t know where Oregon is.

I missed last week, as I was in Siberia . Well not really but at -20 it felt like it. Roses and Cotton for my ears (to make that whining go away) to enygma@fansofrealitytv.com