Bachelor Finale - The Scream Heard Round the World
Well maybe not so melodramatic, but the screams heard around the TV’s watching the finale anyway. We have finally come to the final of Bachelor 3, and we are all wondering if it’s going to end up like the first two (a waste of time). If he picks the one it looks like he’s going to, it will.
The ladies finally get to go and check out the big estate, and the family gets to check out the Mrs. F wannabe’s. First up is Jen, who has already checked into ‘one’ of the guesthouses. Andrew takes her for a seemingly wild ride through the winery in what looks like a stripped down army surplus Jeep. So much for glamour. Mr. Toad’s wild ride keeps popping into my head, but I struggle to focus. From the look of it, Andrew has spent many an afternoon tearing around the 1000 acres or so, in the same way. He’s having a blast and so is Jen.
While Jen and Andrew are on their wild ride, Kirsten is shopping for diamonds. I haven’t seen her this excited, since the half million-dollar necklace night. She claims to be perfectly comfortable shopping for rocks at this stage of their relationship. She is really happy about the whole trip, until she remembers Andrew is with Jen right now. That holds her attention for about 30 seconds until she gets to Harry Winston . She picks the big ring and is reluctant to part with it. Easily distracted this one.
Andrew knows that Jen is a city girl living in Chicago, and has some animal issues. He takes her into a pen with 8 ft tall alpaca’s. I would have started with something thing like a little dog, to not freak her out. Jen is a trooper, and even notes the little ones are cute.
Firestone then shows her the spot where he wants to build a house. He asks if she thinks its ok. Um big estate, gorgeous mountain view, do you think she was going to say NO? Jen is obsessing about her background again before she meets the parents. He’s not a prince Jen.
Finally at the big house, we meet dad Brooks, mom Kate, and siblings Hayley, Abbey, Adam and assorted spouses, kids and dogs. Cute family, not stuffy at all. Jen was born in Cleveland and Dad Brooks was born in Akron, so they all like that. She tells them she is trying to see how she could fit in. I think Brooks really likes her; because he reminds her what she would be doing if she were in Chicago (shoveling snow). Mom thinks she’s natural, warm and adorable. That’s a good thumbs up from both the folks.
Adam asks what she thinks of Kirsten. Even though she is dying to say, “Well she’s a bitch from Hell Adam”, she doesn’t. She only allows that of ALL of the girls Kirsten is the one she was the least close to. Adam’s built in Ho-alarm goes off immediately. I’m liking Adam.
Jen says dinner is more formal than she’s used to. Well Jen, most of us don’t have four servers in our own dining room. I think I’ve only been to one restaurant that had that many servers for such a small group. Ah yes, just like plain folks, the Firestones are.
Jen then tells the family she thinks Andrew is fun, honest and smart, and that she likes being around him. Good call on the compliments. Jen asks if they are uncomfortable with her being with baby F after knowing him six weeks. Dad reveals he proposed after knowing mom 2 weeks, and it’s lasted forty-five years. The back and forth banter goes well for Jen, and she leaves very happy with her visit. The family falls over each other in proclaiming her good people, especially Hayley who proclaims her a ‘star’. Andrew says she’s the bee’s knees. That’s the second time I’ve heard him use that expression, and it’s just very odd.
Kirsten’s up next, and Andrew allows that Jen has “set the bar very high.” Good thing Amber didn’t make it this far, as any mention of bar would have taken her away from the task at hand.
Andrew brings horses to show her around. She’s so not getting the full tour.
Kirsten is ecstatic at being at the FIRESTONE vineyard. We know because she brands everything on her visit as Firestone this or that. Andrew asks if she would like to raise kids here, and doesn’t seem to notice that Kirsten would like to do anything here.
It’s Jens turn for the ring shopping. She feels kind of floored to be going shopping and is a little in awe of Harry Winston's. She picks the smallest of the rocks set out. The Harry smiles and says, “Good luck to you”.
I have to point out that the whole exercise is a bit useless, as Andrew will go pick out the final ring. Product placement at it’s finest, I guess.
Back to Kirsten, who after looking around the ranch, pronounces out of the blue that Jen could never live here.
Andrew has an elaborate lunch set out on the terrace. Kirsten is sucking it all in, and says she could do this everyday. She’s looking forward to telling the family everything they need to know. After lunch, Andrew puts Kirsten to work filling boxes with wine. Presumably, they have hidden the usual staff and are doing this as a joke. Kirsten is pumped, and says she’s ready to be part of THE FIRESTONES. She thinks she passed Adams little ‘work’ test. To be fair he does say she is vivacious and charming.
Kirsten meets the family and they are nice to her, but Kirsten’s mouth is just running , and not saying too much. They ask about hobbies – she replies she played some sports in grade school but pretty much lives for the weekend now. They all look at each other puzzled.
“What do you want to do with your career”, they ask. “Well um I kind of want to work part time”. Kirsten stumbles.
Hayley is asking, “where the substance lies”, and allows Andrew” likes pretty things”.That’s a very upper crust way of saying; my brother has brought home a pretty, brain dead, gold-digger.
The conversation continues – I’m ambitious and independent. Oh, what are you ambitious for? Um well I know what I don’t want.
Because she weathers this barrage, Andrew thinks she has composure.
Andrews’s sister thinks she’s like more like a pretender. She points out that every one in the family has to WORK, and work hard. Gee, it must have been because of “the money thing” she told me that, says Kirsten. Ya think?
The siblings then corner her to ask about the boyfriend. “Well I never got to close things off, I guess I should have told him it was over” she says. You can hear the chins dropping on the floor. I am amazed she said it out loud. Kirsten thinks that they “understand where she’s coming from” now, and she’s totally looking forward to being a FIRESTONE.
The family gathers and says its “hands off” for the decision. They make no comment other than either one will breed “beautiful children.” On Andrews’s way out, Adam can’t stand it and rats on Kirsten. Andrew can’t believe it, as it’s totally different, from the song she’s been singing all along. Kirsten has forgotten the fundamental rule of being a good liar. You have to keep your story straight. Adam tells him to confront her. Andrew is visibly upset at her deception. I’m really liking Adam now.
Back at home, the ladies get one last date. Kirsten better get her game in high gear, because if not, she’s toast.
Jen gets the first date again. Andrew presents Jen with the picnic basket they used in Santa Ynez. I’m wondering if he’s cheap or sentimental. Back in Palm Springs, he had promised her they would have dinner in robes once a month, so he has matching robes for them, inside the basket. Let’s go try them out in the hot tub! As with all of the bachelors so far, his best thinking is done at about 110 F
Andrew didn’t bother to tie the string on his trunks, so we were treated to a view of the Firestone butt crack. Well I don’t care if people “make fun of me”, muses Andrew, “It was worth it” By saying that, I know he has no clue about the butt crack situation. Everyone will be making fun of that for years to come, in the Firestone house. After drying off from the hot tub, Andrew has suddenly gone with the Eminem look. A wool hat in California. Good wardrobe choice. Jen is no better as she has lost her shirt and has put Andrews on .A funny goofy date, but no hint of a sleepover.
Kirsten’s last chance starts badly. She immediately asks what the parents thought of her. Andrew says his parents were impressed, but he wants to “download” a bit more information. He asks, “Were you ever concerned about what they were asking you?” She says they “went on” about the boyfriend situation. Andrew tells her they talked extensively about it.
Kirsten suddenly takes on her best ‘Exorcist’ face, and says she hopes it isn’t the “deciding factor”. (She was chopping something moments before, and I’m looking for the knife.) She is informed that the story her family told him was a different, one than the one she had told him. She is angry and wishes out loud that she had never told “the girls” anything. She yammers for about 3 minutes, and believes herself talked out of the corner by then. Andrew is quite stone faced and doesn’t speak for the rest of the date. He then loads her into the car and turns away with a “see you tomorrow”.
The day of reckoning has arrived. Andrew says he has seen things in the girl he has chosen that will “make me happy 20 yrs from now”. He gets to go to see the Harry Winston's guy on Rodeo drive, and picks out the biggest rock they have. I’m thinking it’s more than the advertising is worth, as he’s seen writing a check. “I can’t wait to tell her how much I love her” says he. Brave words think I.
Kirsten appears to be dressed at noon, while Jen is slumming in a t-shirt and jeans. Jen finally gets dressed and the Limos leave.
Chris and Andrew have their final manly chat. Andrew claims he has found someone who will make him happy. Chris wants to see the rock. That’s freakin' huge, he’s thinking while looking at it.
The last video has Jen telling him she’s falling in love.
Kirsten’s is saying in hers, what a nice spread he has, and that the she and his family had made a connection. He’s actually smiling watching Kirsten and I’m confused.
The tricky editing people then throw in a clip of Jen saying she thinks it’s not her. I know reality TV, and make the comment I’m positive she has won.
This is confirmed when Kirsten steps out seconds later. Yes, there were loud screams and high fives all around, as the teens who had watched with me celebrated. “They finally got one right is the proclamation”. Everyone gets shushed as Andrew delivers the blow to Kirsten. “I have fallen in love with Jen” are his chosen words to extricate himself from evil Kirsten. She gets the scary movie face on again. She is trying to run out the door, but Andrew holds her back. I just want you to be happy she says. Ten seconds into the limo ride, she says she is sick thinking of Andrew and Jen. Knowing that he is going to propose makes her want to throw up. We knew her happy thoughts were sincere.
Jen arrives and Andrew falls all over himself. I’m excited and I love you. I love you too says Jen. He asks on his knee, and surprisingly Jen tries to grab it out of the box. She regains her composure, and accepts the ring and the rose. Amazingly she is so caught up in the moment she says she wants to do it again as she can’t remember. Uh Jen it’s on Video.
The show closes with an outtake of the Family dinner where they are seeing who does the best nose flair. Jen passes even this strange family test. No wonder she won. Great ending.
Roses and Thorns to enygma@ fansofrealitytv.com
Last edited by eny; 06-02-2004 at 12:01 PM.
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