Its meet Joe real millionaire night on The Bachelor. No matter what Mom and Dad told you about what to look for in a boyfriend, having tons of cash will always be right up there as one of the most important traits. I could do a really simple recap, as they all followed the same script.

Meet my new boyfriend Andrew –
Dad – He looks like Fez from that 70’s show...
Mom – Does his Mommy dress him?
Bachelorette – He’s a Firestone, as in BIG money, BIG business and BIG estates – don’t screw this up.
Parents - Have some more food and beer. Our wine is not worthy. Can we get tire discounts? Choose our kid and no, we don’t mind if she moves to a fabulous California winery, with built in nannies, chauffeurs, cooks, and gardeners. The cash dowry will help ease the pain.


I guess I should really go over the visits.

Tina Fab is up first, and the producers dump Mr. California on the edge of a frozen lake. I’m hoping they just dumped him and got a HOT rich guy, but no. It’s a scene from Mad Max on Ice. Tina comes out of the icedome short track style on an ATV. (I’m sure the chain mail Tina dress is coming, but not until after they are out of the cold – yeouch) They pull repeated ice spins on the lake, and I’m not sure if Tina is trying to make him puke, or trying to drop him in an ice-fishing hole. She is definitely showing him a good time, Wisconsin winter style. She’s smiling, but I think that’s a grimace of fear on Mr. Firestone. They pass a restaurant and Andrew squeals like a girl to get off.

Inside the restaurant for a quick chat, Tina reveals she is hard to get. (Really?) She claims that is because she doesn’t go out with “just anybody”. Andrew’s family has told him he’s a “somebody”, so she's talking about him right? He finally gives her a lame lip lock to seal the deal.
Hot smooch rating -1/2 a lip out of 10 for finally finding her mouth.
He is definitely not what we have come to expect from The Bachelor contestant in the tonsillectomy kiss dept.
When finally they go to meet Mom and Dad Fab, Andrew checks out back for a wood chipper. No Andrew this isn’t the movie set of Fargo, that was filmed in Minnesota. I’m sure all these places with snow look alike to a California boy.

At dinner, we meet the other two Fab sisters Katie and Crystal. Luckily, for Andrew the hardest question he had to face from the Fab family was whether Tina had to move. "Well yes" says Andrew. They all collectively chirp, “She can’t go”.
He’s not sure whether they are serious or not.
Baby Fab has to leave for her first high school dance . She is dressed to thrill in a long black evening gown and upswept hair. I’m suddenly feeling inadequate years after my first dance, as I wore jeans and a sweater. I wonder what the Fab girls do for the Prom?

The date ends on a bizarre note, with Tina giving Andrew an album cover painting saying “I Want U 2 Want Me.” She has Cheap Trick and Prince mixed up – not a good sign. Andrew is thrilled and they end the evening with some real smooches. Only 2 lips on the Hot smooch scale, but they appear to have at least swapped some spit. Andrew is happy. Tina says she’s falling for him but is afraid of being heartbroken.
They all say that .I’m wondering if they are reading cue cards.

From Wisconsin to NJ .If Newark isn’t culture shock enough, Cristina says a hot time is in store for Andrew, as this is her first one on one. She’s thinking of putting him in thumbscrews over a fire, to get some of those nagging questions answered. I’m sure that is not the “hot time” Andrew had in mind.

She puts that bit off, and instead takes him to a Portuguese Deli. She is going for the food torture instead. She grabs a plateful of deep fried yummies, and hands Andrew a fork. He gets the deer-in-headlights look at the first bite. What was that? Uh breaded fish Andrew.(Pastéis de Bacalhau - make them and judge how on earth he could have had that reaction) His eyes narrow to slits as he ponders having to eat the rest of this stuff, without having a clue what is in the identical breaded packets. No international man of mystery this one, just an ethnocentric mammas boy. I really want to sneak a bit of meat on his plate in brinjal or madras curry, just to see his head explode. Portuguese food is usually very mild. After he had that kind of reaction to plain fish, I’m positive his most exotic meal before this was the Kraft dinner he snuck in from college.

Knowing he has been weakened by his food experience, Cristina starts in on Andrew in the back of the limo on the way to Mom and Dads. Are you in love with me? Andrew is Not having a good time in Jersey.

Mom, Dad, and family give the usual lame questions. Why meet this way? Is she moving from Jersey? He looks over dinner to make sure there are no “ethic” surprises. He eats and gets out ASAP. Cristina says she’s in love, and can see him as the father of her children. More like she’s in love with his money and can see him as the father of her bank account. I’m thinking Andrew finally has a clue as he acts like a cat being held against his will by a two year old. To make it out of the limo door he gives her a kiss and makes a run for it. One ho down, one to go.

Next, ho – I mean date is with Kirsten, who greets him in a black bikini. There is one advantage to warm Tampa. You can plan daily bikini ambushes.

The first thing Andrew wants to know about is the ex- boyfriend. She is pissed that he hadn’t forgotten. Friend Carli says quickly "there was one, but there isn’t now." They are watching each other really closely; to make sure the story is straight as each of them tells it. I’m all of a sudden reminded for some reason of Jon Lovitz and the old “that’s the ticket” routine.

Yeah, he’s gone- that’s the ticket. He’s gone and he’s in Peru . Yeah he’s in Peru and he’s got leprosy so I’ll never see him again. He’s in Peru has leprosy and he’s really a transsexual so you don’t have to worry about the boyfriend who drove me to the airport. It wasn’t really my boyfriend, it was my third grade teacher - yeah that’s the ticket.

After Andrew leaves , she makes plans to go see the boyfriend and tell him it’s really over. Niiiice.

At Mom & Dads, Dad has not heard that he’s a member of one of the most prominent families in America. Andrew drops the F-bomb. Dad’s not impressed, and asks what he sees in the other girls. Andrew explains the good qualities in each, much to the disgust of Kirsten who has always ignored the other participants. Kirsten eyes the parents with the same wary eyes as she and Carli had. They don’t drop any clues on how it was to raise a hell spawn, so the dinner went well in Kirsten’s eyes.

After dinner, Andrew is mumbling something about not asking the parents about the boyfriend. Good thing, because I don’t want to know what she would do to them.
He says he’s falling for her and . I’m hoping that’s reality TV editing saying she is gone soon.

Finally, it’s Cleveland and a visit to the rock and roll museum. No? It’s just a visit to kind comforting Jen. After being almost dumped in the frozen lake for ice fishing bait, force-fed codfish, and being put on the rack by Kirsten, a visit to Cleveland seems nice and safe to Andrew. The producers even arranged for a nice Norman Rockwell type view of the snow covered city. Even I feel safe now.

At the dinner, Mom & Dad show genuine concern about getting married “too soon.” Good thing she didn’t apply for married by America! Everyone is so kind and nurturing that Andrew almost misses the little Kirsten dig about how nice TWO of the other three are. He replies with the Kirsten brainwash statement, that you are there to find the one right for YOU and not make friends. I am still blown away by Andrew’s inability to see that all of the other girls get along, and they all despise Kirsten. I go back to fact he must have been sheltered. Zero street sense.
Jen and Andrew discuss couple like stuff – kids, the house. I take it as good sign.
I am still embarrassed to be yelling at the TV. When I do that – it will NOT make a difference, but it feels good.

The rose ceremony comes, and the girls are happy to see each other. Cristina, Tina and Jen are anyway. Kirsten has her best ‘evil creature from hell’ look on.
Andrew smiles at the begging vids, and it’s hard to tell who is gone. It’s usually obvious.

Kirsten – The creature in the black bikini makes it for another week
Tina – Thank you. In public, he only gets a cheek kiss.

Robo host continues to say it’s the final rose, even though it’s obvious, and he is only is giving three.I want to smack him. He has gone to the Alex McLeod school of Reality TV hosting. The one where the hosts are totally useless. It would be cool if Ryan Seacrest took a crack at hosting.
So Kirsten – how are you feeling about the fact that every single girl hates your guts. Well Ryan everyone is entitled to their opinion.

The last rose is for Jen .

Cristina jumps into the limo and says he will be so sorry. I’m hoping some guy named Tony doesn’t go and break his fingers. I'm sure in Jersey she can find someone to do the job.

enygma@fansofrealitytv.com - Peace Out -