Bachelor Episode 5 - Taking the Goods - Literally
I always watch this show with other people so I’m sure I’m not seeing things. My impression of Andrew is that he’s really boring. He’s just so much white bread, mayo, and mommy warned me about girls like you. My daughter disagrees, saying he’s the best bachelor yet because he’s not a Ho. He’s probably somewhere in the middle of the two reactions.
Somewhere in between the Aids/Std testing and checking on the FBI most wanted website front page, the ladies were administered a personality test. (Just seeing if they made the FBI front page with Osama and Saddam is the patented reality TV extensive criminal background check, much to the delight of Smokingun.com). The results of this I’m sure just as reliable test, picked the next three individual dates and the three on one date. In case you aren’t following, that means the three least compatible Sci-ent-tif-ic-ally, (as Kirsten later proudly enunciates), go on the group date.
Jen, who I like BTW, gets first crack at Andrew on a spa date. They are flown in by helicopter, and Jen asks for her parachute immediately. Um Duh, “helicopter blades and parachutes don’t mix” quips Andrew. I swear it’s the most intelligent thing I’ve heard him say thus far. They arrive at the ritzy (even for Andrew by his reaction) Givenchy spa, have a massage, and chat about things. They really seem comfy after, when they sit down to dinner in their bathrobes. Andrew resolves to have dinner like this once a month that is if Jen’s the one. He asks, “Is my future wife in the group of six?” It’s Jens turn to do the “Duh”, as she points to herself. What did you think she was going to answer Andrew? Jen gets a real kiss as a reward for the date and he almost shows some heat.
They really seem to get along, and unlike others who reside at bachelorette mansion, she doesn’t seem to be a bitch when wine boy is not around.
Speaking of the mansion, the second date box has arrived while Jen is gone. Much hilarity ensues when the others find out Kirsten is going on yet another individual date. I am impressed by the self-restraint shown, as I know, they really want to rip the rest of her over plucked brows out and, stomp on the date box. I really cannot fathom how Andrew seems to be missing how much seething hatred this gal has stirred up.
Kirsten is taken to meet Andrew, who then takes her to a deserted drive-in with a really cool old convertible. No drive-in make out here, they view the typical dorky growing up pics we all have hidden somewhere. Andrew is overly amazed and distracted by the fact they thought to put his football pic next to Kirsten’s cheerleader one. Note to Andrews money market Clients – he’s not on the ball. While he is distracted by this, Kirsten purrs that ‘THE OTHERS’ don’t act like they do around him back at the sorority house. Hello pot meet kettle – ugh. Andrew smiles and takes this as the explanation for their dislike of poor Kirsten. I really am expecting Medusa snakes to spring from her head, as she lies so well. She only gets lame kisses, though so that’s a good sign.
Back at the honey ranch, another crisis has erupted as the date box for the three on one has arrived.
Liz, Tina Fab and Christina are going to play tennis. None of them are tennis gals. This is the rich set ladies , even housekeepers have bi- weekly dates with their pros. Christina is upset that she HAS to go on ANOTHER group date, and throws a tantrum worthy of a two year old on a candy high. Fab takes it in stride as she rationalizes tennis involves cute outfits. Liz is well - just plain nuts as she rambles on about the unfairness to Christina and bowing out to give HER more time. She’s acting like she wants the voices in her head to stop shouting how inadequate she is. Serious martyr issues need to be addressed pronto by this one.
Andrew takes the “ask the pro athlete to find the gold digger” approach yet again, this time with tennis pro Tracey Austin. “What are you looking for?” asks Tracey. I’m sure she though he might even be serious. Then he says “Blonde and cute as a button” Bingo - that’s deep. So much for intellect, poise and athleticism, something she might have been able to help you with. They play a few bad rounds of tennis, with Andrew noting Liz’s lack of hand eye co- ordination. She’s totally out. Rich folk as we know, have to play either polo or tennis.( it’s in the rule book) I would not put poor Liz on a horse let alone give her a polo mallet if she can’t handle a racquet. Tracey ends the lesson by allowing they are all cute. Tina impresses her, she notes that Liz is sweet and says only Christina wants to win. Presumably, Tracey then goes off to call her agent to demand no more lame appearances like this ever again.
After tennis, they each get some one on one with Andrew. Christina drags him by the arm into the hot tub. She’s learned something from the previous Bachelor/ette shows, and that’s that heated highly chlorinated water helps find true love. Andrew looks kind of scared while she grills him.
Liz is really scattered in her conversation with him. More meds needed for this one as she kind of sort of begs for a kiss. Andrew is actually gentle with her and senses she’s quite fragile. That’s two strikes- no rose for you.
Tina is fabulous and they talk easily. She likes his watch and he offers it. She takes it as a bit of a joke, calling it f*in pimped out. When they get in the limo to come home, Christina is freaked out by the fact she has it. She’s practically lying on top of Andrew to protect him from evil Tina. Tina offers the stupid watch back as she watches Christina squirm. Andrew tells her to keep it and I think Christina’s head is going to blow off. Liz cowers in the corner.
Ann- Michelle has her alone date with Andrew at his Bach pad. He gives her what is the biggest ugliest bouquet of flowers ever. Over cheese, (the Fort official food) they bond. He admits that when he moved home, he was especially happy to have mommy doing his laundry. A-M laughs and says, “I don’t do laundry”. He back tracks by saying he does it now. They laugh and joke during dinner – and again in the mandatory hot tub. They seem to have a good time. No romance here, but then I’m not surprised. Andrew still has zero on the Eny hot scale. He really needs the cash to get it done.
At the Rose ceremony, Andrew takes them each aside for a last plea.
Christina – You are a cool guy. Him - you are the most mature (read desperate, oldest and bio clock ticking loudest)
Jen- They continue the mutual aw-shucks routine. I like you – no I like you - punch punch
Tina – I’m not a trophy wife. If she didn’t have so much personality, I swear it would be too funny to hear Barbie Wisconsin saying this.
Kirsten – great time yada yada – She’s got Andrew duped
Ann- Michelle – Fun great time – too buddy buddy – I’ve got a bad feeling even though I think she’s great.
Liz – You have good energy, articulate, “I’m glad I’m emotionally involved”.
I finally get that she’s more hyper than Andrew is. Loud noises would send both of them sky high, so unless they want the most neurotic kids ever, I’m hoping these two give it up.
At yet another MOST DRAMATIC CEREMONY EVER (Lay off – seriously ABC), Tina, Kirsten, Jen and Christina.
Ann- Michelle is quite unconcerned and happy to be gone, but Liz has a meltdown.
“I have nothing left”
Security - escort her off the property, her eye is doing the Christi twitch.
Eny is located where it’s still snowing daily, so that could account for any negative thoughts. firstname.lastname@example.org
Last edited by eny; 06-02-2004 at 11:49 AM.
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