The Bachelor Ep4- The False and the Fabulous
The friends arrive- Kevin and Shannon move into the bachelorette dorm, to help poor Andrew find his way through this group of Mrs. Firestone wannabe’s. Shannon is an ex who presumably gave him the “I like you – It’s totally me – Can’t we be friends” speech sometime in the past. That’s what I think, since Andrew has shown himself to be as ‘hot’ as any guy who had to take their cousin to the prom.
They set themselves up beside the pool for the inquisition that decides who gets the individual dates, and who gets the group ones. The questions are mixed, the most important ones being “would you have sex without love” and “the beach or the bed”. Both very telling, as I suspect many girls have given the “ohbabyyouarethebest” performance for Andrew (while filing their nails and/or doing a shopping list.) I think he would be horrified at the prospect of the beach, although he may get down & funky in the vineyards. Since they questioned Amber while she was sober, she nailed the questions and was awarded the first date box.
This is where this group of girls differs from the others. They are downright vicious. Kirsten is upset a drunk was chosen. Liz would like to know just ‘what she had’ that Liz didn’t. Maybe no – “I already have my dress and I really really want to get married” vibes Liz honey.
The date is ice-skating. It is freaky for me to observe a grown man who has never been on skates; I watch entranced (where I come from you start skating at about four, but not much ice in Cali.) A poor choice of date, leads to perhaps the most uncomfortable date in bachelor history. Andrew was dorky and needy. Amber gave monosyllabic answers. It was truly painful to watch, as some of us have been on real life dates like this. Then came dinner, and the revelation that Amber was an Olive Garden girl. Mr. Firestone was horrified as he had heard about those restaurants, but had never actually been in one. It was like Amber saying McDonald’s was haute cuisine. There wasn’t much to talk about after that. Andrews take on the date was as if he was pulling teeth. Ambers was that they had ‘a vibe.’
The only vibe this date had was a bad one. You are so gone Amber.
During the date, Kirsten was back at the dorm really working on the friends. Kevin says she’s the front runner. I get bad reality TV editing vibes from this.
Next date is a belly dance extravaganza with Liz Christina and Anne-Michelle. Liz absolutely was not having any of the belly-dancing bit, but stood there like a spinal fusion patient. The other two girls got right into it Christina taking the lead .Shah Andrew was smiling, drinking, clapping and looking proudly at the harem girls. All that was missing was the water pipe. Liz redeemed herself by eating a chunk of lamb, and noting afterward she was a vegetarian. The harem king was pleased she had totally compromised her values for him. They then retire to the bachelor pad hot tub. He took each out for the stock questions, Christina and Ann- Michelle getting a kiss. Christina went almost postal when she found out she wasn’t the only one who got kissed. Hello Christina- you aren’t here alone. Did you not watch this show before? You might as well Tattoo ‘I’m high Maintenance’ on your forehead girl.
Kirsten’s date begins with a ‘winner gets a present’ game of pool. (It’s not acceptable apparently to enjoy middle American cooking, but it is mandatory to play pool like trailer park trash.) Kirsten shows her heritage by winning the game. Her prize?-a trashy spandex black dress. You knew Mr. Silver spoon wasn’t going to win the pool game. Andrew then takes her to Newport aboard a yacht to ‘watch the sunset’. Pretty cliché – I wonder if he’s going to show her his etchings too.
Andrew baits the ‘I don’t want a gold digger’ trap with a half-million dollar diamond necklace. Kirsten takes the bait, but doh-Andrew seems pleased, not wary. Andrew gives an impromptu wine tasting lesson. Luckily, Kirsten does not mention her favorite wine is baby duck. We know what happened to Amber … Andrew then drops the “I know your boyfriend dropped you at the airport” bomb. Kirsten has the deer in the headlights look when she stammers – “That wasn’t my boyfriend that was my Mom, she’s just really masculine looking” Out on deck a wedding party boat comes by. Awww , it’s another sign from the Bachelor producers, but I don’t think Shamu is going to show to save Kirsten. When they return to the piranha dorm, Kirsten doesn’t bother with the details of the date but holds up the necklace and says “worth a half mil girls”. She’s getting a bit of revenge for them squealing on her. Woo-Hoo. Luckily, no- one is armed. Andrew brands himself confused. (I’m laughing at this.)
While they were gone on the date, Liz grilled poor Amber about her date. Liz babbled about Amber being her best friend, and how she has a right to know what went on. She then wants an apology when Amber doesn’t crack under the inquisition. I’m thinking SHUT UP Christi – um I mean Liz. I hope those bedrooms have locks on them.
The date box arrives, and it’s an afternoon in the country for Audree, Tina, Tina Fabulous, and Jen. It’s yet another trailer park test for one on one time with Andrew. Tina Fabulous the Wisconsin gal, wins ‘the ride the mechanical bull the longest’ challenge. She’s probably ridden real ones in stiletto heels. Andrew tells her his friends are taken with her. She laughs claims to be not aggressive and asks him about beer. Suddenly he wonders aloud if any of the other girls can throw a football 40 yards in high heels and long fingernails. He makes a mental note for the next bachelorette challenge. I’m wondering if He’ll call in Jeff Probst.
-Survi- I mean Bachelorettes ready –go!
Jen and Andrew have a sweet eighth grade type of interaction, in which I’m expecting shoulder punches to be thrown. Aww I like you- No I like you –You’re sweet- No you’re sweet. I am now not surprised that Andrew is single.
They all retire to a miniature hot tub surrounded with strategically placed bales of hay. I’ve never quite seen someone who can cool down a hot tub date quite like Andrew. He is so not sexy. Not as creepy as Alex’s hot tub manner, but he can’t hold a wine glass to Aaron or fake Millionaire Evan.
Next day the friends leave the house and stop off at the bachelor pad to give the final report.
Christina – yes, they think she’ll be one of the last ones standing.
Kirsten – Andrew still sticks with his first impression, while the buddies remind him that every single other girl hates her. (Get a clue Andrew)
Liz- seems very emotional, but likes you. The friends should have also mentioned stalker material.
Tina Fabulous – Friends love her thinks she’s funny and can throw the football.
Amber is pretty. Andrew reminds them there is nothing going on in her head.
The Rose party is next. Tina gets a “she’s outgoing” from Andrew –( which translates to she’s gone) Tina Fabulous, who is getting tired of Andrew raving about her football prowess , shuts him up with “you throw like a girl” Then says, “you seem nervous around me , can you handle me ?” I’m sure the next thing out of her mouth will be “Poor thing”, but I don’t hear it. He is so taken with her; he asks how her daughter will be. Wisconsin shrugs and says fantastic.
Kirsten is still mumbling to herself about sabotage, and seems inline after Liz for a trip to the happy farm.
Jen gets another punch on the arm .Gee golly gosh. The next date is going to involve a slingshot I’m sure.
Audree and Andrew face off over the wine thing. Yes, I’m a Mormon and we abhor anyone who drinks or who is involved in any way with demon alcohol, but I see NO PROBLEM with living on a winery. I have dispensation since you are so rich; let me explain tithing to you.
Amber stuffs herself and says she’s going to be the fat girl on the reunion. Someone at the bar must have cut her off.
Andrew declares his tie “the bee’s knees” (no kidding, he really said that in 2003) and bounds off to make the cuts.
Robo – yada yada
Andrew says it’s the best week of his life. He views the begging vids with a smirk, pausing for a smile when Wisconsin Fabulous says keep me so we can play.
Kirsten, Jen, Ann-Michelle, Liz, Tina Fabulous, Christina.
This guy really does need help, mostly to loosen up. You can’t even get him drunk as the wine flows in the blood. I’m not even watching anymore to see whom he picks, but rather whether he ever gets jiggy.
Sorry I’m late posting this week, but folks have a tendency to die at the worst moment. Cor, I don’t know if you watched this show, but I think it would have made you laugh. Rich people always amused you. firstname.lastname@example.org
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