The Bachelor - Episode 3 - Andrew Needs a Manual
Robochris comes in and announces that ANDREW has planned some exciting dates. We automatically know all is not as it seems at bachelorette mansion. I know Andrew didn’t plan them, because ABC has a huge staff to do that stuff. How would Andrew know how to keep up with Joe Millionaire’s dates, since he couldn’t possibly watch as closely as the ABC marketing group. Whatever - This episode marks the return of the date box.
I wonder what these girls look like at Christmas, as they all freak out whenever they spot one of these prop master specials. I think they should get at least a lame poem like the one the Survivors do for a challenge. It’s exactly the same thing, as whoever loses gets the boot – just out of the mansion instead. Geography is the only difference.
You all came
A husband to seek
Over this box
I know you will freak
Go stuff in the padding
And pile on the makeup
Or you will experience
An unwanted breakup
For in order
To win the big prize
Out of rich Andrew
You must get a rise…..
Christina , Kirsten, Tina from Tenn., Liz and Amber get bikini clad to smear mud all over themselves at the spa. I am expecting him to lead them to a ring where they must wrestle because he’s mumbling something about every mans fantasy. Alas for the 3 guys who probably watch this show, it doesn’t happen.
Tina is upset because she wasn’t ready for the Bikini challenge. She must not have planned after watching the first two Bachelors, as she should have had plenty of time for implants.
Liz , knowing he’s from California, grills him about ‘open’ relationships. She’s expecting something really funky, as he divides his time between being in San Fran and being Michael Jackson’s neighbor. Andrew allows he’s never cheated or been cheated on. (I’m picturing ex- girlfriends snickering at this point). It’s at this point, that Andrew also tells us he needs a manual to date 5 girls at once. He then picks Kirsten to go for a private massage. Kirsten also mentions her lack of boobage in a confessional. This bikini thing has these girls really on edge. When they leave, the others start chugging the champagne in the hot tub. After the massage, Andrew sees the girls and jumps fully clothed into the tub. Amber is having a hoot after seemingly chugging a bottle herself. Not surprisingly, she ends up calling Ralph on the big white phone. Tina T seeing this as her chance to bury a competitor, accompanies her and then gives a “isn’t she a pitiful lush” confessional.
Andrew and the girls return to the house. Amber apologizes so sweetly for being a drunk that Andrew melts. Good move as he owns a winery, and may not be interested in a Mrs. Firestone that drinks the profits. Christina from NJ picks this time to pull him aside for some alone time. The other 14 are mad, mostly because they didn’t think of it first.
Next date sees Andrew take Rachel, Heather, Amy, Audree and Elizabeth to a Lakers game on an ominous looking big black bus. On the way, they dish on Amber being a lush. ABC must have gone all out as a sign welcomes them to the game. They sit ringside to watch the cheerleader practice.Suddenly Andrew excuses himself and leaves the girls . They are mad at being a five some, but just about loose it when they think he’s going to join the cheer squad. Instead, he goes to give Shaq pre game hug, and to find his buddy Derrick Fisher for a special assignment. Andrew is not good at separating the gold digging Ho’s from the girls you bring home to mama. Who better for the assignment than a pro athlete? Derrick talks to the girls, and hands out the white jersey to the one he thinks mama would like. Bingo Derrick- you picked the Mormon virgin!
The girls and Mr. Winery settle in to enjoy the game in the private box. Audree is by Andrews side, and he is paying way too much attention to her (according to the other four). Elizabeth especially is beside herself, saying over and over (and over) she’s not happy when she’s not the center of attention. Rachel just looks bitchy .After the game the gals shoot some hoops. Audree has never held a basketball before, which makes the others really happy. They try their best to score for a kiss, but they leave without a ringer (and maybe without a ring). Heather is a good sport and Andrew gives her a few smiles.
Shannon, Tina from WI, Anne-Michelle, Jen and Jersey Christina get to take Andrew to Lake Tahoe for a little casino action. The other Tina is really ticked off by this, calling these five “Bitches” because they get to go, don’t have to smear themselves in mud, or wear a bikini. Lucky she doesn’t know about the details.
These girls have the best date! They get the private jet treatment. Wisconsin loves this! When they get to the suite in Harrah’s, a wardrobe of dresses, shoes, and accessories await. Much better than mud. Deep in denial, Andrew thinks all of the girls seemed very happy to be here ‘with him’. Where is Derrick when you need him? Andrew breaks out the Dom P, and then splits with Jen for some one on one time. Jen asks him if he would mind if his wife’s family was ordinary. (Huh – who is this Prince Chuck?) Mr. Firestone, who says he never thinks of things like this, thinks this is “sweet”.
They all retire to the High Rollers area. They each get 5 thou. Whatever date has the most at “the end” gets one on one with Andrew. Jersey Tina Wins hands down, and jumps into Andrews arms saying “I Knew You wanted me! ; giggle” She uses her one on one to go on about vibes, and the fact she isn’t ‘feeling anything’ from wine boy. Andrew does not like this and says he’s been cornered.
I’m getting a Christi vibe from Jersey T , as this is the second time she’s grilled him. Her saving grace is that she’s very pretty, and Andrew gets flustered easily. Even Wisconsin picks up on this, as she remarks how skittish he is. Pageant queen Shannon drags Andrew away from the crowd and tries to wow him with all the pageants she’s won, and continues with the routine. Smile – World peace. Andrew says I’m glad you dragged me out here ( but you sound like you are auditioning for another pageant). This gives Shannon big croc tears, as she’s ticked at being found out.
Next stop the Rose ceremony .Wisconsin sits while wine boy tells her how beautiful she is . I know she says but I have a brain too. That hadn’t occurred to him, so he sits and puzzles over this. Amber gets drunk again – no surprise. The biggest surprise for Randy Andy tonight is Christina from Florida gives him the heave ho. His eyes got huge , as he had expected a much different conversation when she had pulled him aside. Look you don’t do it for me so I’m outta here - Toodle-Loo.
He staggers back into the party –I’m Andrew Firestone and Christina just gave me the axe! Girls are shocked – but it’s Andrew Firestone! Liz was blown away and hops into the limo before she leaves. It’s Andrew Firestone! Yeah Yeah whatever says Christina. Get back in there Lizzie- you have the dress. Jersey Elizabeth is in full bitch when Andrew asks for her help. Nothing doing -go call Derrick. Bad move, he now has proof you are a bitch.
Blah blah says Robohost . Time for the begging videos and hey, you only have to dump 4. The vids all are pretty much the same – they ask for a rose.
Anne- Michelle , Kirsten, Jen , Tina from TN , Audree , Heather, Christina , Tina from WI, Amber ( who staggers across the floor) ,and Liz who didn’t bother to dress up.
Shannon is stunned that she pageant queen is going, while the lush is staying.
They all have yet another toast lead (of course) by Amber. I think they forgot Andrew was in the room.
Eny’s note, I’m sorry, but at this stage of the game Andrew has 0 sex appeal. By this stage, yummy Aaron, Ryan and even Bob had given me the vibes. I think Jersey had a point. To make it fair, I also have to point out it’s not revulsion as it was with Alex by this time.
Eny is an old lady married for a hundred years, so go easy. Flowers, Thorns and as always Cash to firstname.lastname@example.org
Last edited by eny; 06-02-2004 at 11:45 AM.
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