The Bachelor- Fini
Finally, the end of the show!
Am I happy or sad at the way it ended? I guess since this is a TV show , and it has no real impact on my little world eh whatever. I CAN say it’s a better ending than the first, as there was a real bachelor. Alex was a semi-gay actor wanna be, who didn’t even have the decency to pretend like he cared for the winner.
To end the story, they actually filmed a Survivor like fallen soldiers walk. Then Mark Brunette sent a bunch of attorneys over and well, they can’t show it .Intellectual property or something .Here exclusively at the Fort, is the play by play of Brooke and Helene’s walkthrough: The girls start out, pondering each stop along the way.
Those first 10 girls. Some of them only lasted 30 seconds in the spotlight, (but felt they had to throw up a website anyway to get their turn in media whore spotlight * cough*). Amber, Merilee, Camille and the others, commemorated on the walk by some dirty tissues and empty sangria bottles.
Here are the tracks of Anandita and Frances imprinted deeply in the garden as they desperately scrambled to get away.
Ah, there’s Suzanne’s rose, what a sad twisted soul- we miss her, but I hear she’s got a pro wrestling deal.
Christy from AZ and Heather from CA, why didn’t he pick you instead of wacko Christi and psycho Heather - *sniff* did anyone ever tell her she had cottage cheese thighs? All that’s left are the shredded roses and voodoo dolls .
Hayley- always a bikini, never a boob job like Kyla’s .A pile of sand and tissue is all that’s left.
Next of course Angela, she even had home turf advantage. Bad call, having Aaron meet her man hating roomie, and her totally indifferent family in one day. All that’s left is a pile of rose dust, because roomie incinerated it.
Last our Gwendolyn, she of class and dignity. Last seen standing by Niagara Falls with a rose .She left a tear stained post card of the falls.
After retrieving their respective voodoo dolls, (just for luck heh heh heh), Brooke and Helene begin the final countdown with tears in their eyes, (and an agent on speed dial) - but first it’s off to meet Aaron’s Mom & Dad
Helene gets the first crack at the in-laws. First stop in the limo is Aaron’s billboard. Nothing says I’m just an ordinary guy, like a 50 ft. image. For god’s sake don’t laugh, look impressed.
Helene breezes through Springfield, and picks out the biggest house she can see in town for the future. She puts her (temporary) stamp of approval on Aaron’s bachelor digs, as well as Trolleys his ‘hobby’ restaurant. Ain’t no way this girl is gonna live above a restaurant banker boy, and she tells him so with a quick arch of the eyebrow and the ‘How much noise?’ line. Oddly, this makes Aaron excited.
At the airport, they meet Alden, a grey haired Aaron look-alike. The most important thing to Helene is that Aaron isn’t going to lose his hair. Alden has a full head, or at least belongs to Hair club for Men.
Helene aces the flight school part of the Buerge family training, and it’s on to meet Mama. A quick hug from Mama and a handshake from Granny, and Helene has made it thru the initial inspection. Mama says all women are bitches, so now we know why Aaron isn’t married by now. She’s said the same thing to him hundreds of times. Yes mama, but this one has a camera crew with her, so can you please shut up?
Next up on the Buerge family training obstacle course is boat driving. Wisely, Helene sits up front with Aaron, leaving dad and mom in the back seat. One observation by my son – kind of a small boat for a millionaire. Sport boating is not impressive unless it’s over 40 ft .Aaron, that’s a fishing boat. You think Helene, a Jersey girl is gonna fish? - GET REAL. However, in the spirit, Helene decides that there is no way Brooke is going to reel in this fish, and declares she has to communicate how much Aaron means to her. By ‘much’ she means the moola.
They start to cook dinner, and grill Helene at the same time. Mama declares Helene a bit of an old maid, by telling her she’d had 3 kids by the time she was 27. Justin his bro, and his obviously pregnant wife Tricia chime in with a “yeah what’s up with that?” Helene looks down her nose and plays the big city career card, and then finishes off by saying Aaron would be a tough act to follow. Ohhh good one. Family is impressed as Daddy declares to Aaron she would be a positive addition- Do you know how much a good psychologist makes? Aaron is confused, as a matter of fact he spends a lot of time looking confused this ep. All these questions and brainwork are bad, and he mumbles something about mommy.
Next up is Brooke, and Aaron, and the family follow the exact same steps .
It reminds me of a lab-controlled experiment it’s so much the same. I actually wonder if it’s scripted. Brooke doesn’t get to see the billboard, Aaron thinks she’ll get too excited, and cross that Christi/Heather sanity line. They visit the loft, which Brooke declares needs a woman’s touch. Aaron frantically looks around for the hot tub, then remembers he didn’t install one. Crap.
Off to Trolleys where Brooke is so impressed, Aaron declares she shares his vision. No noise complaint here. Come to think of it, Aaron didn’t even drive her through the rich section to pick out a house. Hmmm. Brooke declares she has her game face on and bowls over Daddy Alden. She turns on her accent full tilt on the flyover, how beautiful everything is yada yada. Daddy ends the flight by taking Brookes hand and skipping to the car. At the house, Brooke is greeted by a hug from both Mama and Granny. Fiddle Dee Dee she’s from Alabama! Mamas smiling now.
They go on the same boat ride, only Brooke opts out of the boat
training, and sits back and jaws with mama .Aaron gets in some quality male bonding time with POP. He tells Dad all the fatal attraction girls went bye bye, and then begs them to make the decision for him.
See I had him figured all along.
They quiz Brooke on her engagement, and she comes back with the ‘he was draggin me down, and messed around a bit speech’. Oh golly she can go to law school in Springfield too. Granny’s smiling. They don’t like the tattoo, but Brooke flashes the smile, and they melt. Aaron asks the family for a decision, and he’s looking mighty grey. Surprisingly, they tell Aaron to grow up and make his own choice. A lawyer and a psychologist both make fine money says Daddy.
I think Trish, Justin and Granny like Brooke, but keep it to themselves. Aaron looks like someone just robbed the bank. Mama must have finally given him some Southern Comfort to calm him down, as Brooke has to muscle him into the car. He looks wasted and she tries desperately to snap him out of it, to no avail. Oh Brooke you better sober him up or you’re in trouble. He’ll never remember how well you did. You are going to have to resort to the voodoo doll.
Aaron is back in his Malibu bachelor pad feeling a bit better. He’s playing the blues on the piano; he is from Missouri after all. He’s really freaked and teary eyed, and doesn’t want to go on the final 2 dates. He’s groggy and dizzy.
No worries, Mama has tucked away some extra Southern Comfort, and Chris ordered Chinese for his date with Brooke. He doesn’t have to cook.
Brooke tells him that his family didn’t scare her off, to take that leap of faith, follow your heart, and that outside Lala land they could indeed make it. A whole pile of clichés, and we know how Aaron loves overdone quotes. There he is again, almost crying. I don’t ever want to watch a sappy movie with him; he’d be bawling his eyes out.
Jeez, pull yourself together man.
He declares Brooke has an aura about her. It must be a cloud of doom one, because every time she’s around Aaron he’s dopey looking, sad faced or panicky.Very suspicious.
Next night, or maybe it’s the same one – can’t really tell – Its Helene’s turn. Aaron’s still too freaked to cook, so its pizza. He seems a bit more cheery, so maybe Chris ordered in some tranquilizers too. He jokes with Helene about stiff bankers- ha ha; yeah we already heard that one. She ignores the obvious and presents him with a little gift .Oh Aaron likes presents. Awww, it’s a silver money clip to keep all his lovely cash organized. How thoughtful. They nosh pizza and laugh. He’s really cheerful when Helene bids him goodnight with a ‘goodnight my sweet prince’. Gag .She’s been saving that line since she didn’t score the Cinderella date. Still it’s a common cliché and it works on Aaron. Good thing Chris didn’t order in Viagra, he’s almost happy enough to be sexy.
It’s finally down to the day of redemption. As any good southern Baptist knows- that’s serious stuff. Aaron is shown looking contemplatively over the ocean. He had to come to Malibu to make up his mind, as Springfield has no ocean to contemplate.
Next stop is Harry Winston’s for the rock. He throws around terms like carat and trilliant, making the counter girl go googly eyed. He skips out with the rock in a bag with the staff waving . Aaron has paid for it himself. You dumbass, you don’t think ABC actually had to PAY for it. It’s called product placement advertising. You just got suckered out of 25 grand. Again, I’m glad Daddy never made you a teller.
Another mandatory rehashing of Helene and Brookes journey through the harrowing six weeks follows. Chris tells Aaron to think of what he’s going to say. He responds with that sickly grey look again.
He asks if they can just drive the other one to the airport while she’s in the limo anyway.
Uh no Aaron, this is actually the most important part.
Aaron takes his place by the pool, now tastefully strewn with flowers. Man is the pool boy gonna be pissed, those suckers jam up the intakes.
Next shot is the arriving limo, and out steps… Brooke.Uh oh that means HELLane has triumphed. Chris leads poor innocent Brooke in for the slaughter and takes off. Brooke smells the fear as Aaron starts with his now memorized, you are gorgeous, sweet, wonderful, but sorry not through college yet speech. A banker has to have income from day one. Bye now, says Aaron in his best banker turning down a loan voice.
Brooke is heartbroken, but oddly does not blame the stars or the other girls or even Aaron. She blames herself. Good grief ! Good thing you didn’t win, you have no self-esteem. Put your head up girly; remember second place gets you your own Bachelorette show. That is if enough people want ABC to make YOU the next Bachelorette. Yes that’s good, look teary eyed and dignified. Close shot and fade out. Excellent….
Of course now comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for.
Helene has dressed in perhaps the ugliest dress in LA. Not only that, but she’s in 60’s mode with the funky flower in her hair. Is there no stylist on this set? Wait it’s HELENE who’s been feeding him the tranquilizers all along! DOH She’s a Psychologist! It’s the only explanation for Aaron’s saying how beautiful she looked, and all of the other mood swings. Furthermore, he informs us he’s felt the same way since there were 15 girls left.
My god, she’s been slipping him drugs since day one!
He goes down on bended knee and proposes. She accepts and he gives her the rock and then the last rose. She gives him another Thorazine and smiles prettily. I’m glad I can finally say how I really feel says Aaron. Helene plans her return to graduate school to get her psychiatry degree so she can write prescriptions. Happily ever after. How nice.
I can’t wait for TRISTA!!!
Last edited by eny; 06-01-2004 at 08:08 PM.
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