Recap, Repeat, Reunion, whatever you want to call this show, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Gladiator with a pinch of Jerry Springer thrown in? Would my opinion of these people stand? Or would I find my self eating my sometime pretty wild descriptions of these folks.
The show opens with Chris the ever annoying announcer droning on and on about something . I assume it’s about Aaron, and his horrible fate of having to hot tub his way through a bevy of what he described as supermodels. Poor Aaron. He’s going to be suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder for the rest of his life I’m sure. (Carousel – NOOOOO….. don’t make me go on the Carousel!!!!!)
Chris finishes the tiresome speech, and the lights go up to find the stage set with the ladies replicating the couch dept. of IKEA. Very interesting, as some sit alone, some are in pairs, some are three to a couch. Was this random?, or determined by the staff psychologist, as to who may hurt whom.
First up of course, is our resident Aaron stalker Christi. Chris says everyone wants to see her. Um well, I’m sure Aaron doesn’t and I’m sure the other girls don’t – so who exactly is everyone? A short speech about not being able to make it because Christi was unavailable (read- enjoying her rubber room), would have sufficed. Nonetheless, Christi was there front and center down by Chris for a one on one. I’m sure his contract called for armed security to be standing by.
We had to sit through a video replay of the trials of Christi, and guess what folks? It was just as bad/funny/horrifying the second time around. Christi said Aaron was ridiculous in his comments about the fatal attraction. She then said “NO ONE thought she was psychotic, not even Aaron”.
Denile is that old river in Egypt isn’t it Christi, and I don’t consider myself no-one .
It would have helped if you opened your eyes, unplugged your ears and stopped humming, when they were replaying Aaron telling the world what he thought of you... Was this girl really 23? She looks more like a botoxed 38.
Christi did pick up on the fact she blew her chance at Napa. No kidding…. She also claimed the Carousel ride with Aaron was painful. (You didn’t have to watch hon, THAT that was painful) She picked up on Aaron’s not too subtle let’s make it 2 out of 3 hint, that he didn’t want to be there, followed by his not speaking to her except to say WTF were you doing?
How’s life for Christi now? Well, she claimed to have been asked out more than she ever had in the last month. She also claimed to have found ‘someone’ I hope this guy isn’t a reality TV fan or you are so screwed Christi. Leave it at the fact that someone told this guy you were on TV.
Chris then has a ‘fun’ Q & A with the girls.
Most time on front of mirror – Kyla – what is it with Mormon girls and the blonde on blonde skunk hair? She’s Neleh from S4’s twin.
Biggest camera hog? - Suzanne – who gives a who me? gesture. I swear I saw fangs- really
Biggest gossip- TX Heather- another who me? Look
Excellent segue to the next part of the show, which is the other Bachelor crazy girl - Texas Heather. Another recrap of the Bachelor according to the loony Heather follows. A revelation comes out, that not only did Heather try and give everyone skin cancer with her screwed up use of hairspray for suntan lotion, but that she deliberately tried to cook the girls out of their dresses. She reasoned if she really got them fat, they wouldn’t fit in their dresses. Hee Hee she laughs. Hansel and Gretel was her fave fairy tale, can’t you tell? She is also really pissed at Aaron- why wasn’t he honest? Why didn’t he tell me he didn’t want me? Why why why?
Heather, he may not have told you but he told US he was afraid of you.You also didn't look so good second time around.
Heather then proceeded to say with a straight face she isn’t an emotional person and everyone had the wrong idea about her. Frances chimed in with a joke, repeating what Heather said word for word with a yeah thanks and a laugh added. Heather, ticked at no longer being center of attention, threw a tantrum worthy of a two year old. Waaa Frances mean!! Waaa Hurtful!!!. The others look on in an amazed silence.
Frances continues that she was stunned to get the first rose. She had decided Aaron was a mama boy loser, and made sure that she didn’t have to take other rose, by jumping up and escaping at the laying on of the roses. Chris says, “Yeah girlies, SUP with that”? Anandita said after she had observed Aaron with his tongue stuck down two throats in ten minutes at Napa, she was looking for the quickest way away from Ozark Aaron, and followed .Heather watches this exchange and slinks off into the corner disturbed that everyone had forgotten about her. Bitches she says.
We all know the star of Napa was Suzanne. That girl reminds me of a snake somehow…..
Who can forget her drugged wine potion that got Aaron going, and then her straddling him while forcing the contents of a wine barrel down his throat. At the retelling of the story, a catfight breaks out amongst the girls. Camille – “girl you had your game face on.” Suzanne flips her the bird. Hardly a game face, as her face is TOTALLY expressionless. More proof of the botox fairy at work at the Bachelor. Are you sorry Suzanne? Say the girls in unison. For what? Applying to this loser patrol - get real….. Christi says well when you put 24 girls together, this stuffs gonna happen. Tee Hee .Oh Christi shut up, you give me the shivers.24 pageant rejects with low self esteem, sure- 24 normal women Nahhhh not a chance.
I was thinking at this point that Frances and Anandita rocked and Aaron was a fool.
Next part of the show was about Gwen. Inexplicably she’s dressed like a six year old. This is a good second time shot. I didn’t care for Gwen at first, but she had more dignity and class than lots of the others. She said she wasn’t about begging for a rose, but she had unresolved issues around Aaron. Oh Gwen, go talk to Frances and Anandita- you are way to classy for this. Men, go ask Gwen out not Christi Ewwwww.
Suddenly Aaron appears on the scene – a big surprise, except that it had been promoed to death. Aaron looked like he’d rather be helping someone rob his bank than be here. This little escapade has aged him. Gwen gets first crack at Mr. Wonderful. I told you to follow your heart Aaron.
Aaron gets kind of weepy eyed and said “I didn’t think you liiiiked meeeee." Sad eyes – well I wish you knew- you BLEW it Missouri. Aaron is mentally breaking down at this point. &*^%$, did I screw this up. He’s thinking. Gwen’s now satisfied she has her revenge Ha Ha Loser…..
Our psycho Christi comes in for her hunk of flesh. She’s crying, “Hey Aaron, what’s with the Fatal attraction crap, (twitch twitch).You’re not scaaaared of me” (twitch).
“Um Christi you freaked me out, and yes the fact we are in the same room is making me antsy. Chris assured me security was here so I agreed to come. Stop leaving dead chickens on my front doorstep.”
Heather starts up “Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t like me,”
“Um I was hoping you might turn around, and besides I had one nutbar stalking me , I was afraid of the two of you would join forces.”
Aaron – I have no remorse"- stares at Gwen. “NO remorse I tell you” He slumps off the stage. “%^&$* remorse &*^%”
The other girls? Well we heard about as much from them as we did in the unveiling of the bachelor episode – nada Were they in this show?.
The mandatory rehash of Helene and Brooke is the final part of the stage act. Brooke comes off as sweet. Helene is just as uncompelling the second time around. Why did he pick her again? Everyone looks confused.
And just whom will Aaron Burrrrgeee pick? Says annoying Chris. Next week find out.
I just have to say I hope all the gossip about Aaron being stupid enough to be seen all over with Helene is untrue.
Final minute is Aaron saying Hot Tub… HOT TUB… Hot Tub about 100 times. You heard it HERE first, remember last weeks recap? Ha, I’m channeling Aaron.
Next week. - The girls meet mama, and SHE chooses the winner