The Bachelor 2 Ep 7- "Hot Tub Honeys"
Well that’s where Aaron seems to do most of his serious thinking anyway. If in doubt, well get that bikini on, I’ll suck back some bubbly in the bubbles and think about it. It’s gone from Sabrina (the movie, not the witch girl) to Animal House, as Aaron has gone from an 'aw shucks' kind of guy, to a 'how fast can I get you back to the fantasy suite' kind of guy. Boom –chick –a- wow as the usual porn movie soundtrack goes (Or so I have heard)
The first of the Bachelor Smackdown Series dates is in Aspen. It’s a wonderful place for skiing, boarding, and schmoozing with the rich. For some reason though, the producers decided to go there in summer where the gondolas ride over the …..grass. No ski’s, no boards, no Donald Trump in the unobtrusive black ski suit. Um really exciting.
Production note- you could have done the same show in California where you already were, and edited in the Aspen gondolas. But hey, it’s your cash.
Here we are in Aspen, in the grass with Aaron and HELLane, (our new FORT name for her).As they are in the grass, it’s a picnic. Why Aspen grass is better for a picnic than California grass I’m still not sure, but I guess it’s to get HELLane out of the house. While eating, Aaron broaches the subject of kids. HELLane says "2or 3" , Aaron says "11." She looks him deep in the baby blues and says, "Yeah right, fat a couple of times is bad enough." Aaron snickers, "I know you are just gonna love horseback riding too." Off they go with HELLane saying "Aaron you moron, I’m from Jersey. We don’t DO horses in Jersey .Jeez and you wonder why I don’t open up with you?" Aaron changes the subject. Since its been about ten minutes since the picnic, its time for dinner!!! Aw crap, its Caribou Alley restaurant. HELLane wonders if they are stashed in the back, and hopes she doesn’t have ride one. No worries, Caribou Alley is a, you guessed it - SEAFOOD PLACE. They both chat over how much they like seafood. Aaron you are trying to convince this girl to move to Missouri aren’t you? There’s lots of sea sun & fun there.NOT
So HELLane and Aaron are again discussing the 11 kids. Helene was informed that despite her national credentials in child psychology, she would indeed be staying home. Missouri kids don’t need any O that crap, and Aaron needs her on diaper duty 24/7. What a sweet talker.
The invitation for a sleepover envelope arrives for Fantasy suite #1.
Aaron rubs his hands together “Yeah baby.” HELLane “um yeah whatever”. Limo pulls up to the house from Dumb and Dumber set. Good choice as this is getting comical .All Aaron needs is his fave, the hot tub. Remind me again why they had to be in Aspen, because we know there are NO hot tubs in Malibu.
In the hot tub, a few quick granny kisses are exchanged. To pickup the pace, Aaron pulls an Alex trick and says slyly “You know, I told Chris I’d pick you.” HELLane looks at him and recalls the BS conversation they had in Philly. Hot tub freezes over, but Aaron is channeling Jim Carrey by now and is playing with his toes. He simply doesn’t notice.No score in this round. She ends the trip by saying with zero enthusiasm, “Despite the BS from this guy, I’m falling in love”. Wow, the guys changing my oil last week had more passion.
The Next stop is Gwen in San Francisco. It’s a really good thing it’s not Alex, as the twink and leather section of SanFran would have had more appeal.
Back to Aaron and Gwen, Aaron says Gwen “grabs his heart”. This is getting more bizarre, as this confession leaves me thinking of a bad horror flick, you know holding the beating heart in her hands. Maybe Christi, but not Gwen. Gwen only admits to butterflies and finding what she is looking for.( I’m not sure what was lost , but whatever)
Whew! Aaron is safe, but wait - Gwen has a deep dark secret. If it is that she ran over a person last summer, and then dumped his body, I am so out of here.
First there is – you guessed it- another picnic, only this time on San Francisco grass. Now that may have meant something in the 60’s at the height of Haight –Ashbury, but sadly no, this is grass of the grazing kind . Tell me again why they had to go there. What’s wrong with Malibu grass?
Soon its dinner time again, and Gwen didn’t get a horse ride, or even a ride on the cable cars. Missed photo ops galore, what kind of director is this?
At dinner, Aaron stares at Gwen’s forehead, and says "So what’s the secret- are you the head of Mensa?" Aaron has already shown his contempt for the smart girls. He scowls as Gwen says "LATER, after dinner "(and lots of wine.) She judges that he’s finally had enough wine and fesses up her horrible secret. It’s not what she did last summer, its what she did 6 years ago when she was 24. Good, no scary stuff, she only got married, divorced and annulled. Aaron seems ok with it, but you can see him doing his mental banker math. Let’s see - 6 years ago you were 2 years older than Brooke is now, carry the one (takes off his shoes, as there is an 11 in the calculation.).He wants 11 kids and well, he finally clues in that Gwen’s bio clock is a ticking time bomb.
"I thought it would be something to make up my mind" says Aaron of the news. "Well it was, but that’s not gonna stop me from trying to get lucky." With a grin, he produces the envelope with the key to Fantasy suite door number 2. Nice joint, but it’s not the layout that HELLane got – bad sign. Aaron gets in and finds no hot tub. This is really going to cramp his style. He looks around and sees a bed and the balcony. He wants the bed, but Gwen takes him out on the balcony. They sit cuddled watching nothing and sharing more granny kisses. (I call them granny kisses, because they are closed mouth, and about as sexy) “This is fun” says Gwen “I can see us in the future”. Aaron’s getting a cramp in his arm and wants to go inside. Gwen follows, but doesn’t tell him her future vision is of the big rock on her finger, not of Aaron. Cut to really creepy shot thru window of them making out.Score for Gwen! I was wrong, it’s not a B horror flick, it’s a Z porno. Boom- chick- a- wow. Ewwwww, voyeurism in primetime. ABC, you should be ashamed, this isn’t FOX you know.
Jackpot Brooke!!! You get to go to Hawaii. That beats off-season, uncool Aspen, and California’s gay capital easily.
Aaron said when he saw Brooke; she blew him out of the water. Yeah well if you recall Brooke has talent in the water…Brooke is greeted with not a granny kiss, but a full out one that he probably doesn’t want mama to see. Brooke has to go on a boat yet again, but has been on a boat so often now she has her sea legs. They make a wish, and then she snuggles up bats her eyes and tells him what a wonderful husband he would be. I bet I know what her wish was. I know mine was that Aaron didn’t wear swim trunks made from his mama’s pillowcases. He could have at least shown her (and us) the whole package. Poor Brooke had to settle for a peek at a sea turtle for good luck.
Dinner is in a private bungalow by the beach. Brooke is now asking questions. Dangerous territory, Aaron doesn’t like questions, as we well know. How do you feeeeel Aaron. Um- well, hey here’s an envelope from Chris. I wonder what’s in here he says with a wink. He’s gotten really good at this part. Inside the bungalow, fireplace, balcony, waves on the beach below. Crap no hot tub, but wait - Aaron has another shagalicious trick. He had a star named for Brooke’s late sister. Brooke is very touched, and knowing Aaron’s water fetish, she improvises with a bubble bath in the Jacuzzi.
Nice work- you go girl!
Aaron seems to have forgotten the other two as he lays in a stupor. He KNOWS she isn’t leaving, and doesn’t even mention the eleven kids, as his mind goes blissfully blank. He mumbles something about how thought he had his mind made up, but it all kinda went up in steam on the mirrors by the whirlpool. Actually, it was more like down the drain darling. You just took a well-aimed sucker punch in the crotch, delivered with a sweet smile by your southern bombshell. Well done !!!
Score at ½ time -Alabama 2, New York 1, and Jersey - on waivers. Let’s see how the final half shapes up.
Scene opens back at the Bachelor pad now empty, scary music playing.Very fitting, as the bachelorette shrine now resembles a funeral parlor. Funeral director lookalike Chris, who by the way is now really lonely without all the babes around, tells Aaron in a stern voice that he simply can’t keep them all.
“But I caaaaaan’t make up my miiind” he whines.
“Ok, you get just 5 more minutes each, but no water sports. First, you have to watch the lame begging videos. Pull yourself together man, you are on TV.”
He runs out to greet the girls. He really did miss them, as he had gotten used to the routine of manicures, curling his hair, helping him exfoliate, and fashion tips - like what pants don’t make your butt look big.
HELLane’s video is pretty good for her. I even saw her lips moving and she maybe cracked a smile. Touch down!
Gwen’s video is lame.The one where you said you wanted to be naked was better.
Brooke‘s video is - I hope you are ok. I’m thinking of you. Make the right decision. When he looks at her, his mind still goes blank- so it’s a field goal.
Scores are even for Brooke and HELLane, Gwen’s a bit behind at the five-minute time out.
First up is HELLane in the five minute final plea bargaining. She’s playing it cool as usual. “Sup Aaron?” “Uh - Nothin serious.” She smiles and his face lights up. “ I LIKE you.” Aaron likes this, but plays it safe and invokes the Christi clause where he asks what she would do if she doesn’t get a rose. “Oh, I would be really disappointed!” – sad face again. A glimmer of enthusiasm -Score!
Second Up is Gwen. She is way over confident, and is like - hurry up and give me my damn rose Aaron. “Can you see us down the road?” asks Aaron. “Well duh, like I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t. Can we get on with this”? Again the Christi clause question. No rose? “Well I’d be sad, upset, whatever, but it’s not going to happen.” Oh Gwen, you misread the play- no score.
Last is Brooke- “I have no doubts about you at all .”she breathes. She flutters the eyelashes again. A tear glistens in the corner. “Don’t make a mistake we both have to pay for” …. flutter flutter.
Um Aaron knew there was a question he was supposed to ask, but damn if he didn’t forget it. Heh heh, perfect play – score!
The Rose ceremony – a mere formality as I think the scoring is clear fans!
Yada yada... decision hard, Yada yada... think the world of you all.
Gwen looks pissed at the time he’s wasting, Brooke has the single tear in her eye, and HELLane has a big smile again.
First rose- HELLane
The fans go wild. It’s a Bama/ Jersey tie. NY is out of the playoffs .Oooo Tough luck.
Gwen’s eyes glaze over Christi style, but then she recovers nicely, and hugs the other girls. Aaron walks her out. “WTF Aaron? Did you forget freakin Niagara Falls?” “Um well I’m kind of woozy, I can’t explain lust, I mean love. I mean I’m forgetting a lot of stuff lately.”
Gwen is off in the Limo in a huff, “Oh well, one of those stupid cows can have those eleven brats. Driver!!! Downtown!!! It’s Friday night and my biological clocks ticking away” …..
Next on The Bachelor- The Diamond Ring Showdown
Last edited by eny; 06-01-2004 at 08:52 PM.
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