Looney Tunes

Suddenly the snazzy Malibu mansion has turned into the Bates Motel. The twitchy eyed nutbar isn’t Tony Perkins in a dress, its Christi.

The Episode opens with the arrival of Melissa and Ryan, a sis/bro combo who have apparently known Aaron since he was six months old. Thankfully we are spared rehashings of birthday party ponies gone by. I have to point out this is the only job on the bachelor I would remotely have any interest doing. Dishing the goods on the gals. With this bunch, I have a feeling that the friends will come in really handy later.

They take each contestant aside and ask a few questions, the answers given help M&R decide who gets to go on a group date with Aaron, and who gets an individual one.
  • What is the one thing you would change about yourself?
    What is your favorite movie?
    How do you feel about Sex in the relationship?
    Behind closed doors do you prefer candle wax or candles?
Melissa and Ryan have obviously given behavioral wife interviews before, as these are textbook questions. Except maybe the candle bit, what’s up with that? Most folk like the romance of lit candles. I have a bad feeling Aaron disposes of dates he doesn’t like by encasing them in paraffin. (No really, this is sexy…Why am I pouring it in your mouth- uh that’s sexy too)
Brooke and Helene ace the friends’ interview, as they were chosen to go out with Aaron individually. The others are “group dates”.

Dates are heralded by what I was calling Porch mail – silly me. They are date boxes.
I won’t touch that one, as this is a family website- but Hee.

Aaron and Helene go shopping for the date at an upscale clothing store. Aaron tries his hand at picking clothes. He picks out the most horrifying pair of satin hooker pants and is very pleased with himself. Helene tries on several nice dresses, but opts for the hooker pants, trying not to trip over Aaron’s tongue as she models them. Aaron now feels she is more open (I guess for sex- but he doesn’t elaborate. Aaron has not thought out the mechanics obviously). Helene doesn’t really care but is pleased at Aaron’s drooling.
The date is a pretty dreamy setup. Alone at the Hollywood bowl with a string quartet.Awwww
They yack and chow down on takeout. It’s got to be takeout- there isn’t a soul in sight. Aaron pops another champagne out of the cooler and asks her to dance. He is still drooling and I think they’ll slip on the dance floor. Helene is having a hoot until Aaron asks if he could kiss her. A comical moment ensues as the mask drops and she looks horrified, but then suddenly recalls he HAS HIS OWN BANK and obliges. Fireworks ensue – the real kind as Helene really is holding him at arms length. My daughters comment on this was “it was corny x 10”. I’m reminded of the old bugs bunny cartoon where he’s the conductor. That brought a smile to my face, but this syrupy performance doesn’t.

Back at Home Depot for dates, Christi is hanging onto Melissa’s leg saying “I’m a really fun person, honest - ask the folks at the nice happy hotel my parents forced me into” Melissa rethinks her friendship with Aaron, and makes sure Christi has no sharp things. The girls unpack a date box that indicates more fun in the sun with Aaron. Oh yay.

Back to starry eyed Aaron- He swears he sees angels floating, as he thanks Helene profusely for not bolting out the door like she had threatened. That was way embarrassing when those other two Ho’s did that. Helene tells him she doesn’t want to get close and weirdly this attracts Aaron more. Midnight comes and the pumpkin coach returns – sorry wrong story- I mean he takes her back to harem mansion and she escapes with an arms length peck on the cheek and a thanks for wearing the pants. (Ok, he reminds me of Pepe Lepew now) Helene ponders white satin hooker wedding pants as she plans her next hard to get routine. Too spooky.
M&R have determined that Hayley, Kyla and Gwen don’t merit a single date, but are safe enough for the one on three date. They are supposed to be going surfing, but Aaron is mainly checking out the bikini action. Hayley laments not having a quick boob job before the show, as the others obviously have done their homework. This is the most shocking thing tonight, and was not delivered with much fanfare. The Mormon virgin has the biggest and best BREAST IMPLANTS. WTF?!!!The date is fun and Gwen says he thinks of them as buddies. Careful, that complaining is sounding an awful lot like daffy duck. She’s right; I’ve been on a more romantic date with my kids.

The girls back at the babe ranch have duly noted the implant situation, as has Ryan. Someone has ˝ a job he says. Gwen has fessed up to a lift and the gals report it. “Oh I thought so” he says matter of factly. Boy is this guy thorough in his investigation of the important stuff.
Another date box arrives with the news that since she’s the only one not on the list, Brooke has bagged the other single date with Aaron. Congratulations ensue and Christi’s eye starts twitching.
The other girls realize they are in the loser group, meaning M&R have only given them an outside chance. M&R have also realized there is safety in numbers, as Christi is included in this crowd O babes date. In keeping with tonights cartoon theme, this crew is going where they belong, Disney’s California Adventure! They have closed the park ( yeah right, Disney owns ABC _duh ) They have fun going on rides and collecting souvenirs, It’s the Bachelor date that only feels like a Jr High field trip. There is however a special ride on the carousel with Aaron for the lucky girl that wins at skeeball. What they don’t know is that in addition to being a general headcase, Christi is the skeeball national champion. Darn did she forget to mention that on her application? She wins hands down the first game, prompting Aaron to hysterically ask for best 2 out of 3.Aaron in a confessional stuck in at this moment ,says with true fear in his eyes he is frightened of spending any time alone with Christi.
Sorry Aaron you have to take Christi. Head bowed he drags his feet over to the carousel.
Christi is bouncing around “Yay he loves me, he fixed it so we had alone time!” Delusional doesn’t even start to describe this girl. Aaron slumps on the carousel horse as Christi chatters away about how much fun she is. What a bitch Anandita was. How much fun this is. How she’s glad Aaron is over the misunderstanding about her being a few fries short of a happy meal. Aaron is white knuckling his mount, eyes closed, praying for the director to yell cut. Christi stops all of a sudden and realizes Aaron isn’t playing along, her eye twitching she says “Don’t get all weird on me; those other bitches don’t want to marry you. If you know what’s good for you you’ll pick me.” Aaron can’t take it anymore and makes a break for it jumping into the roller coaster. Texas Heather is in the car with him. With her amazing flight attendant dexterity in zero gravity, she uses this opportunity to diss Brooke as a party girl. Aaron’s eyes roll back in his head as he is living every B horror movie he ever watched. I swear I heard Christi starting up a chainsaw.
Another confessional from Aaron has him pegging 4out 5 of the girls as keepers .Duh Tell me why it was you gave Christi the rose the last time Aaron?
The girls dance off to join the parade of lights. Now the parade of light is spoiled for me. If I see it again I’ll be checking for Christi.

The last date is saved for M&R’s fave Brooke. Did she tell them the Daddy story? Hmm
Anyway the limo takes her to the airport where Aaron is waiting with a plane. Oh how impressive, Aaron flies to Santa Monica. Then it gets confusing as a series of other trips are taken by car, boat etc. Where the heck is this date, Easter Island? Brooke tells some about her family, and about how her step dad and mama really would take a shine to Aaron. She leaves out the story of real daddy, as she finally realizes she better check up what he’s doing time for .Brooke has finally clued in, if he’s doing 15 to 20 for armed bank robbery, this may not pave her way into a family of bank managers.

A break for confessionals – Aaron – Thinks Brooke’s real dad has a rocky past.
Christi- Aaron caught me off guard by asking questions. I thought he didn’t like questions. He still loves me- I felt it the first time we met. twitch twitch.

Back to dinner on Easter Island …. Where do these folk get takeout? They were both engaged before- it didn’t work out, yack yack. After 2 minutes of romantic dinner, Aaron decides he’s had enough chat, and drags Brooke into the hot tub. Scene cut

Back to mansion, where the grrrls are grilling Helene about the phone number. How when why did you get Aaron’s phone number they demand. Well Helene explains, things were so screwed up around here after the winery trip; I was going to escape this lunacy. Aaron gave me his number to call him, in case I did. OOOO the girls exclaim, you can’t keep his phone number, what if one of us marries him. We wouldn’t want another girl having his phone number. They grab it and run away. Helene smells gasoline as they torch it in the fireplace. She thinks to herself, some of them must be natural blondes, as a blonde wouldn’t remember you could write it down somewhere else.

The number incident is soon forgotten, as Brooke and Aaron return snuggled together from their date. Aaron walks her to the door with a chaste kiss on the cheek. Awww.
Inside the girls grill Brooke on the kissing. How many? Any tongue action? Brooke is too distracted to answer. The girls know immediately something is up, and do a panty check. Oh my, Brooke has somehow misplaced hers. So much for the kissing questions. Even if she doesn’t win, she gets the automatic Amanda award, for being the first one to nail the Bachelor.

It’s time for the Roses! We have been promised a shocking ceremony by the promos. First up for a confessional is good ole Christi. “I am still so feeling Aaron, but I don’t think He’s feeling me. I know these girls don’t want to marry him, and I want to”. Her eye twitches again.
Helene says she was shocked by the response to her having Aaron’s number. He thinks of me as a friend she laughs. Good thing Christi’s not here.
Texas Heather plops herself on Aaron’s lap. Still upset by that little witch Brooke’s coup, she shows the world she isn’t wearing any panties. Aaron is too scared to move during his ah lap dance. In his own words he’s “afraid she’ll kick my ass”.
Gwen thinks it’s wonderful he’s finally opening up. All I can think is WTF?
Brooke has suddenly realized that there are other girls on the show after Aaron. She tells him it’s too REAL for her, all these girls around AFTER him. Good, we finally know she’s a natural blonde.
After this little scene Aaron suddenly has a southern Missouri accent as he says “Well hell, I can’t keep all ten of em”
Christi runs in for one last threat “I know you had concerns, just forget all about the fact you know I’m a psychopath, you won’t be sorry”she tells Aaron “You will be if I don’t get a frickin rose” she says under her breath.

At the sacred bachelorette shrine, Aaron collapses into a heap. “No fair”, says Aaron “This is too hard. It’s harder than questions. I want my mommy”. He’s really digging Brooke because of her - ah - extra efforts, and really scared of Christi.
The begging tapes begin. What a wacky bunch he thinks.
Gwen found the real him on their surfin trip.- Huh?
The virgin mormon with the fake Hooters says “Hi cutie”- mixed messages here
Hayley and Brooke both had the best time ever – Brookes was a little more memorable- heh heh
Other girls – Yada yada- great time – you’re the best – yack
Finally Christi “Don’t forget about us the first time we met”
Aaron – “Well, that was easy.”

At the Floral offerings, Aaron has his bank manger face on, and speaks in his bank manager voice. “Thank you all, this is the way it’s meant to be” He’s turned down a lot of bank loans in that voice. chilly….
  • Angela- (Uh where have you been,talk about no story)
    Gwen- (That’s the ugliest dress ever and that hair- Puleeze)
    Brooke-( she’s almost fainting and visibly sighs with relief)
    Helene- ( tells him maybe- a flash of panic as he remembers last week- then yes)
    Heather- ( Aaron enjoyed the lap dance, and she scares him- but not in a psycho way)
    Hayley –“ I wore red for a reason”- ( So he’d forget she was the only one on the beach trip without a boob job)
The other girls look unconcerned except for Christi, who thinks there is something wrong with the universe. “I am not going to be OK”
Yeah well we kind of figured that . I hope Aaron hired some extra security , cause you are just plain looney tunes girl…
Shocking , hardly... I've got to learn to ignore those promos.

Closing credits show Brooke doing a pretty damn good Aaron impression. The tranquilizers must have kicked in..