Thread: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

  1. #8981
    FORT Fogey FanOfUnrealTV's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    I asked my husband what he thought was going on in the hot tub scene. Roughly translated: "Somebody wants a pony ride but the petting zoo is closed."
    Girls will make passes
    At boys who lose their glasses
    I'll find them for you.

  2. #8982
    Who, me? Chacharo's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    Quote Originally Posted by sdl;3804852;
    *************
    Elizabeth looks to me like the love child of Alice Cooper and Maria Shriver.
    And pleeeeeaaase.....the kissing thing was right out of grade school, and Jake loved grade school but it even wore him out.
    Trust me on this one, we haven't seen Jake's mother but Vienna is really going to click with Jake's mother....
    I'm coming out of lurkville to say that is the funniest thing I've read on here all night. I heart you, SDL. You're funny.

    I haven't read through the rest of the thread yet and have nothing to add to the sluething. I just wanted to say thanks for all the chuckles to all of y'all. Reading this board is definitely better than watching the show ... which I find pretty entertaining BTW.

  3. #8983
    FORT Fogey BachNoFoolMe's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    Quote Originally Posted by Capegal;3804980;
    Jammed?!?!? uuummmmm
    Well - we did see him get out of the hot tub and jump into the cold pool

    For relief?? - or - to cool off - uuummmmmmmmmmm
    Yeah & it appears he hurridly ran & jumped in the pool ahead of Vienna not even waiting for her....

  4. #8984
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    Quote Originally Posted by Love_Me;3805223;
    I read this and thought it was a great observation of Jake this season.

    Don't let that smile fool you. Only three episodes into his season of The Bachelor, Jake Pavelka has the tired eyes and defeated slouch of a man who knows he should count his blessings, but deep-down is questioning his choices in life. (Much the way I imagine Jon Gosselin's face looked on the day of his sextuplets' birth.)

    Jake has "absolute faith" in the well-practiced "process" of The Bachelor, and by "process," he means the weekly helicopter adventures and rejection ("rose") ceremonies that slowly narrow down his pool of potential models/actresses to just the right model/actress. He saw it work for Bachelorette Jillian Harris, and was confident at the beginning of his show--to the point of absurdity, given the series' 1-for-18 track record--that it would work for him, too.

    He doesn't seem so confident anymore.

    Jake believes in the "process," but a process is only as successful as the people who conduct it: in this case, the 25 women chosen by the show's casting directors for their good looks, charm, lack of professional ambition, and ability to stir up drama in an empty pot. Hopped up on zinfandel and xanax for six weeks straight, it is their job to compete for The Bachelor as though he is their only chance at salvation. It's like a real life version of Highlander ("There can be only one.") except instead of decapitating their enemies, they must bitch each other to death until one woman is left standing.

    How could such a joyous "process" result in anything but the solid beginning to a love that lasts a lifetime? It's beyond me why we all aren't trying it at home yet.[/B] (Must be our limited access to empty mansions.)

    And yet, somehow, despite the ample cleavage and constant flattery he's getting his hands on, Jake's journey as The Bachelor so far has been riddled with disappointment and confusion, as he gradually discovers that his beloved "process" is made up of bumps only the most jealous and deranged of the female species can provide. And yesterday Jake claimed the "worst is yet to come."

    Obviously, Jake currently resides in a dark, cruel world where a healthy sense of reality is nothing but a foggy memory refracted through the HD lens of the camera that daily follows him into the shower. So when he says something is "the worst," we have to imagine it in the context of a show that treats marriage and a New Year's resolution as decisions of equal sanctity and consequence.

    (Maybe The Bachelor isn't Highlander. Maybe it's The Matrix. "There is no spoon." "There is no relationship.")

    Meaning, what Jake sees as "the worst" in emotional suffering, we see as "the best" in entertainment. (Maybe that makes it The Truman Show?)

    But don't feel too sorry for Jake. Oh no. He asked for this. And despite the fact that his faith in the "process" hinges on the fact that it works, in the end Jake will deem this journey worthwhile even if it doesn't work (which, statistically, it won't) because:

    A) He will be an ABC company man to the bitter, bitter end.
    B) Two words: fantasy suite.
    C) He's learning so many lessons about life, love, and hot-tub etiquette. And, even though they cost him his dignity and sanity (and so technically do have a price), those lessons, he will say, are priceless.

    I mean, here's what Jake has learned so far, and it is SO MUCH:

    When every woman you meet says she wants to marry you, some of them are lying. Rozlyn told Jake that she came on the show to get to know him and marry him (just like everyone else), because that's a normal relationship progression for virtual strangers to agree upon. Obviously. But then she went and snuggled (and maybe more!) with one of the show's producers. She was kicked off and kicked around by the media as a result, and [B]in the future Jake will know better than to allow any of his girlfriends to come in contact with another living, breathing human male. (Besides Chris Harrison, whose asexuality makes him a non-threat.)

    Looks aren't everything. But they are most things, so it's okay to mainly focus on them and forget the other stuff.

    There's a fine line between attraction and Fatal Attraction. Michelle couldn't manage to mask her obsessive preoccupation with marriage (which she called "honesty") for even one night, but Jake kept around this Stage 5 Clinger for three weeks, until she was nothing more than a ball of exposed nerve-endings stuffed into a tube top. Jake obviously enjoyed all the attention, but in the future he will know to only select women who have developed a capacity for shame, so they know how to fawn but keep their creepy desperation to themselves.

    Face your fears. Even if it means you end up crying like a baby on national TV and insensitive bloggers just refuse to let it go.

    Don't ask a beautiful woman to tell you a joke. Sense of humor is a survival tactic developed by the more rotund and grotesque of our species. Would you ask a lion to evolve a camouflaging coat? NO! Because it's already an effing LION. At the comedy club date, Jake learned that his ladies are like lions: majestic; temperamental; terrifying up close; full head of hair; no talent for performing stand-up; sharp claws. Learn to a love a lion just the way it is, or go find a hilarious sloth you can stand to look at. Your choice.

    Follow your heart. Even if it leads you down a path full of red flags and silicone.

    Twilight love is the best kind of love. Remember in Twilight how we knew that Edward and Bella were falling for each other because all they ever talked about was how they were falling for each other? (No? Well, then substitute Twilight for The Notebook.) The point is that Jake has figured out that the best test of compatibility is whether he and a girl can maintain a never-ending conversation about their compatibility. Discussions of hopes, values and beliefs are for boring people on boring dates looking for boring, slow-and-steady love Twilight love is easy and exciting, and you get to say things like this: "I can't live without you!" "You complete me!' "I didn't know what love meant until I met you." Super fun! It's like being in the movies, but the movie never ends!
    Got to love a good snark. Here are some of my favorite lines out of this blog:

    ....it is their job to compete for The Bachelor as though he is their only chance at salvation. It's like a real life version of Highlander ("There can be only one.") except instead of decapitating their enemies,they must bitch each other to death until one woman is left standing.

    How could such a joyous "process" result in anything but the solid beginning to a love that lasts a lifetime? It's beyond me why we all aren't trying it at home yet

    When every woman you meet says she wants to marry you, some of them are lying

    Rozlyn told Jake that she came on the show to get to know him and marry him (just like everyone else), because that's a normal relationship progression for virtual strangers to agree upon.

    in the future Jake will know better than to allow any of his girlfriends to come in contact with another living, breathing human male. (Besides Chris Harrison, whose asexuality makes him a non-threat.)
    If grace is an ocean, we're all drowning.

    - John McMillan

  5. #8985
    Hooked on Reality TV dhwirch's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    Quote Originally Posted by sdl;3805217;
    **************
    Holy cow. A picture really is worth a thousand words.
    Unless Vienna has had her toes amputated, then her foot is definitely in the red zone.
    And Jake has his legs scissor locked, which explains that goofy look on his face.
    You people are sooooo funny sometimes. If you look at the angle of Vienna's lower leg, her foot would be angled between Jake's knee and lower thigh. this would place her foot nowhere near the red zone. Maybe at the closest... a baby toe near the bottom outside of his left buttock. (I hope that word is PG enough to use.)

  6. #8986
    REIDiculous sallys's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    Quote Originally Posted by dhwirch;3805255;
    You people are sooooo funny sometimes. If you look at the angle of Vienna's lower leg, her foot would be angled between Jake's knee and lower thigh. this would place her foot nowhere near the red zone. Maybe at the closest... a baby toe near the bottom outside of his left buttock. (I hope that word is PG enough to use.)
    I don't see her foot "there", I see her upper calf there!
    REIDiculous - SALLY

  7. #8987
    FORT Fogey KashatheDiva's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    Quote Originally Posted by GuardianAngel;3805229;
    What is that white thing around his waist?

    He has his ankles crossed, therefore he wants that foot of hers to stay right where it is.
    Maybe his athletic supporter? The frisky footsie loosened it?
    That can't be the elastic from his swimtrunks unless he wears them high up like Pee Wee Herman.
    A dr. asked me: Does anyone in your family suffer from mental illness? My answer: No they all enjoy it immensely.

  8. #8988
    FORT Fan equus's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    is that vienna in the hottub pic or is that Ali? The hair looks too healthy to be viennas, and i mean that in a cosmetologist sense of the word, really...

  9. #8989
    FORT Fogey SaffronSunrise's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    Quote Originally Posted by Bloomers;3805055;
    There was a discussion of whether Vienna had her foot in his private place. It was my understanding that upon further reflection, the poster said that was not the case. Am I mistaken?
    I really need to see this screencap for myself, I believe!
    Here's the SC baby...I don't see a "foot" violation. She has one of her legs between his...IMO...not nasty.

    “When life kicks you, let it kick you forward.” Kay Yow

  10. #8990
    FORT Fogey FanOfUnrealTV's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelor 14 Jake Pavelka **Sleuthing** SPOILERS**

    Quote Originally Posted by SaffronSunrise;3805277;
    Here's the SC baby...I don't see a "foot" violation. She has one of her legs between his...IMO...not nasty.

    His body language tells the story.
    Girls will make passes
    At boys who lose their glasses
    I'll find them for you.

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