The Bachelor January 31 – Kiss The Girls and Make Them Cry.
Welcome back, Bachelor fans, and welcome to the episode where Brad and his bevy of beauties leave the friendly confines of their California mansion and hit the road for the rest of the season. First stop, Vegas. For this episode, there will be a one on one date, a group date, and finally the dreaded two on one date. I love the two on one dates because it’s like Thunderdome – two will enter, but one will leave.
Chris Harrison visits the ladies and tells them to pack their bags for Vegas. They start off hitting the casino, with the ladies staying in a very cool suite at the Aria hotel. I’ve never heard of that hotel, but it looks nice. After seeing the movie, The Hangover, I’m half expecting a tiger to come out from around a corner of that suite. Brad’s first date card is for tonight’s one on one date. Michelle grabs the card, but alas, possessive Michelle, the date is for Shawntel, indicating that tonight will end with a bang. And here I thought that by grabbing the date card first, Michelle could claim “finders keepers” and grab that date away from Shawntel.
Shawntel shows up for her date wearing a salmon colored sweater and white shorts. I like Shawntel, as she’s from a small town and works as an undertaker, so she likely hasn’t had everything handed to her just because she’s pretty. Even if the funeral home is a family business, I can’t imagine that it is glamorous work. Unfortunately their date is one of those annoying “Pretty Women” dates where they go shopping and try on tons of clothes she could never afford in her real life. So pretty much everything I like about Shawntel, they’re trying to take away with this crappy materialistic date that reminds me of a movie starring a hooker. Thankfully Shawntel is not shopping for thigh high boots and she picks out a really nice navy blue dress, and some other pile of shopping bags.
Back at the suite, Michelle is holding court, talking about how Shawntel is not ready for Brad, and it could be the worst date he’s ever been on. Harsh, considering that Brad had previously dated DeAnna. Just then, Shawntel shows up with all her new loot and everyone is very jealous. One catty competitor noted that she isn’t jealous of the $5,000 handbag, as she’s holding out for diamonds. Me-ow.
A Date With The Undertaker
Brad shows up later in a dark suit and purple tie to pick up Shawntel in her navy blue dress for the rest of their date. The other girls are shooting jealous eye daggers at them as they leave. They go up on the roof, which Mr. LG points out was in The Hangover also. While they are having their nice catered dinner, Shawntel tells Brad about her job, which involves embalming deceased persons. She’s a little graphic about the biology involved in embalming, and it looks like Brad is losing his appetite. Yet she continues telling him about the finer points of embalming, which is even more unappealing than last year’s hometown date for Kirk at his dad’s taxidermy studio. Then she switches topics to Peaches, her cross-eyed cat.
Brad says that Shawntel is the prettiest funeral director he’s ever met, he gives her a rose, and then the fireworks go off. The girls in the suite are watching the fireworks and wondering how Shawntel’s date was going. It ends with Brad holding Shawntel in their customary cradle hold that they established in the “action movie acting” group date.
The group date is next, with everyone except for Ashley and Ashley (and Shawntel). The two Ashleys need to compete against each other in the two on one date. Both Ashleys start crying because they are best friends in the house and don’t want to have to be split apart like that. Mr. LG suggests that they leave together, and then suggests something else they could do together which apparently holds a lot of appeal for men. Sheesh. This isn’t the Tila Tequila dating show, Mr. LG.
Driving Me Crazy
The group date is a NASCAR themed race car event, which is obviously aimed at Emily, whose dead fiancé was a racecar driver. The ladies all suit up and drive around the track, which looks like fun. Emily is understandably not thrilled, and Brad pulls her aside to find out what was going on. Emily is upset. Brad tries to console her. The other ladies look on, thinking that their chances for Brad’s attention as sunk on this date, but they cheer Emily on as she drives the car around the track, as she really does seem well-liked by the ladies.
After they leave the racetrack, the eight ladies and Brad have a catered party by the pool. Break out that alcohol, ladies, as Brad makes a bee-line for Emily as soon as he arrives. Brad tells her that he’s afraid he can’t take the place of her lost love, and Emily says “oh no, not again” and tells us that other guys have hit the road after finding out about her loss. More crying and consoling. Dang, this show is supposed to be fun, not such a tear-fest.
Time for the seven other ladies all sharing this date. Not even Michelle has garnered any air time on this date, and she’s nuttier than a sack of trail mix. Alli spends her time with Brad crying, telling him that she doesn’t feel special. Chantal chimes in that she’s also feeling like chopped liver after seeing him console Emily time after time. The parade of tears continues as others feel like they need to cry buckets in order to get Brad’s attention. The ladies start a bitch session, complaining about not feeling special, which Brad interrupts and then looks like he feels incredibly awkward.
Michelle swoops in on that opportunity and drags him off to the corner. Brad is happy to be out of that conversation, and doesn’t seem to mind that Michelle has a strange orange glow and is a possessive shrew. Brad escapes Michelle’s clutches and gives his rose to Emily. Several of the interchangeable brunettes on the date complain about their lot in life. Boo hoo hoo.
A Pair of Ashleys in Blue Suede Shoes
Brad and two Ashleys are at the Cirque de Solie show filled with Elvis music. They are going to practice with the production manager, and the lady that Brad chooses will be in that night’s show with Brad. Last season Ali and Roberto were on stage with The Lion King, flying through the air. Nanny Ashley is feeling insecure, while Dentist Ashley is focusing on the dance steps for their routine. Ironically, good pals and name-alikes Shawntel and Chantal talk about the two Ashleys. This is almost as frustrating to recap as when Ali had three guys named Chris (plus Chris the host).
It’s time for a romantic dinner for three (oh wait, this isn’t Sister Wives?), but it was happening. Brad needs to pick one of the ladies, who have now changed into evening dresses. Dentist Ashley is wearing a black and white “X marks the spot” dress while Nanny Ashley has a slightly less weird blue and black dress. Brad must think that Dentist Ashley is a treasure, under her X dress. He keeps the Dentist and ditches the Nanny.
Nanny Ashley had received the First Impression rose, but now Brad is walking her to a limo while Dentist Ashley waits for his return. Nanny Ashley is crying in her limo ride home. To finish up the date, Brad and Dentist Ashley get in costume for their roles in the Elvis show, where they fly around on harnesses to Elvis’ Are You Lonesome Tonight while they edit in shots of Nanny Ashley leaving in the limo in tears, obviously very lonesome that night. The costume manager of Cirque de Soleil hates these two, as they outfit Brad with camouflage jeggings and Ashley (who was already wearing the letter “X” that night) in a dress that is decorated like a pile of old airmail letters.
A Quick Shot of Therapy Before Cocktails
Next up - Brad’s conversation with his therapist Jamie. Jamie is on the phone, as he didn’t make the trip to Vegas, but he appears to be hanging out at Brad’s loaner house in California. That doesn’t make sense if this is Brad’s therapist from Texas – why is he hanging out at this house in California? Is he trying to be the next Kato Kaelin (or Cedric from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, for the youngsters who don’t know Kato)? His pithy advice this week: being vulnerable is strength. Other tips from Jamie: tall is short, and day is night.
Time for the Cocktail Party and Brad tries to give equal time for all of the ladies who weren’t Emily at the NASCAR date. He assures himself that Chantal isn’t still hung up and being jealous of watching him console Emily. Brad brings a private champagne toast to Alli, so she can finally feel special. He talks to Marissa, who is wearing some silly tiera, about some special notes she’s written or something mundane.
Then psycho Michelle hauls Brad off, slams the door, pushes him into a chair and she climbs on top of him and tells him that the other ladies are girls, and that she is Lady Heather from CSI. Michelle then tells Brad that it is time for him to send home some girls now. She puts away her whips and chains and they start the rose ceremony.
Ashley, Shawntel, and Emily all have roses from the three dates this week.
The first rose goes to Michelle – we haven’t seen the end of this little drama yet.
Alli – I hope she feels special now.
Britt – really, has he even had a conversation with her yet?
Jackie – I forgot that she was even still there.
And the final rose goes to – Chantal. Now that we are down to just one Ashley, we need to keep some name confusion going.
That means that Marissa and Lisa are leaving. Lisa, who never emerged from the background yet, is crying and looking off to the side like a Michelle Bachman interview. Marissa stomps off, with her Wonder Woman bracelets and belt clashing with her Diamonique tiera and necklace.
Brad seems to say that he can picture himself married to all of these women whenever he’s alone with any of them. Mr. LG thinks that lame and wishy washy. I thought this week’s Jared-sponsored proposal from the guy who has dated his girlfriend for 8 years (and he’s not a kid, so they weren’t dating in high school) was lame. Why did it take him eight years to propose, and now to do so with a ring provided from a contest – way to show you really care, dude.
Brad was doing the talk show circuit lately (including a funny stint on The Soup), promoting the show and claiming to be very much in loved and engaged to his choice. He’s also been out explaining to Jay Leno that he got in trouble for having a fake ID when he was younger and had a different last name. As a bar owner, I’m hoping he’s changed his stance on fake IDs in the past two decades. Of course it would be a more interesting finale if he hasn’t really picked someone. The Finale would be more fun if waffled, picked two girls, and then had them duke it out in a vat of pudding for a huge ring hanging from the ceiling. That would be a fun finale to recap. Next week’s episode likely won’t be that exciting, but Ariel’s recap will be, so join us then.
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Re: The Bachelor January 31 – Kiss The Girls and Make Them Cry.
the next Kato Kaelin ..That is so cool. hahhahaha
Re: The Bachelor January 31 – Kiss The Girls and Make Them Cry.
Great job. Love this:
His pithy advice this week: being vulnerable is strength. Other tips from Jamie: tall is short, and day is night.
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