Adam Returns Recap 04/05 Ė Adam Follows His Pants
Here we are, gathered again for our final leg of Adamís journey. Has it really been 4 whole weeks since Adam began his journey searching for true love? If only we knew anything about these girls. Fortunately, there is one last ditch effort to actually distinguish between the group and in some cases, weíll learn far more than we ever wanted to know.
Where is the Love
Weíre off and running and we join the gang on their last group date at an amusement park. Apparently, all that love and sunshine about how happy the girls were getting to know one another wasnít as genuine as first thought. The girls are all getting on one anotherís nerves, resulting in extra catty confessionals. The girls arenít even trying to be discreet about their contempt for one another as even Adam picks up on the tension.
Fortunately, the girls get a chance to blow off some steam when they learn they will be making a movie in the old western style, complete with barroom brawl stunts. Everyone is fully costumed in western gear, but there is a dark stranger approaching. And when you think of a tall, dark stranger approaching, who else do you think of but David Daskell from Average Joe 2? If that tall, dark stranger looked exactly like Carrot Top. David gets to play antagonist/host as her explains to Adam that Adam will go on private dates with each of the 5 girls before narrowing the field down to 2 in between punches. Thanks Dave, but weíve got lame voiceover man to tell us that much. Why do these people keep coming back?
This Isnít So Normal, Sybill
Adamís first private date is with Samantha. For those of you who havenít been able to keep track of who is who yet, sheís the one that went on the golf date with Adam. Adam and Samantha are not alone, as they are quickly joined by her dog Chloe. Yes, her dog showed up in a limo. This is the same show that sends the rejects home in a coach bus. It seems as if Samantha is obsessed with Chloe and immediately showers her with more affection than she has shown Adam, thus far. Itís not bad enough that the dog showed up with a complete wardrobe, Adam soon learns that they will be going shopping for more dog clothes. Adam is obviously not impressed, but Samantha is too enthralled with her four legged companion to notice. As they go doggie shopping, Samantha spends more money on dog clothes than most people spend in 6 months for themselves. To add insult to injury, Samantha asks Adam to pick out some clothes for Chloe since he may be spending a lot more time with her in the future. Obviously, you donít want the dog to go around naked. After spending more money in an afternoon on a dog than should be legally possible, the three leave to go for a romantic carriage ride. If the doggie shopping wasnít bad enough, it seems that Chloe has a bit of a gas problem. Samantha is blissfully unapologetic and continues to dote on her precious baby. She may smell bad, but who cares when she has a kick ass pantsuit, right? Samantha and Adam finally get some alone time at a private suite and Adam finally musters up the courage to ask about the tattoo on her shoulder. She explains that it was not for a former boyfriend, as Adam feared, but in memory of her grandparents. Adam is obviously very relieved and touched by her explanation. Adam still canít get over the dog. It doesnít look good for Samantha.
Thanks For Coming Out
Not to be out done by the romantic date with Chloe and Samantha, the producers have arranged a doozy for Stephanie. The two go out in the middle of the desert and seemingly wander around for hours. Apparently the budget was blown on sending everyone to Hawaii for AJ2. We learn little more than about Stephanie aside from that she and Samantha are old friends from home and applied for the show together. Later, the two go windsailing together, but fail to make any connection. Adam admits heís a little bit creeped out that Stephanie and Samantha are such good friends and since he connected with Samantha first, he chooses to remain loyal to her. That means Stephanie gets the dubious honour of being the only girl to go on a private date with Adam and not get his tongue shoved down her throat. Bob Guiney certainly wouldnít have passed on that opportunity.
Christine fares much better when Adam takes her to a casino on their date, which happens to be her birthday. His first surprise is a birthday greeting on the marquee, which by all accounts, is a pretty cool gift. His second surprise is not so much. Adam takes Christine to a private area of the casino and proceeds to wow her with a lame song/comedy act. I will say this about Adam, he did have at least one great joke.
Who was the first to be eliminated on Average Joe: Hawaii? Kathy Griffin
Despite the corny and obviously unrehearsed song, Christine is still interested. The two engage in a deep conversation and Adam tells her that he wonít be in a relationship unless itís going somewhere. Pay attention class, this may be important later on. Or it may not be. Christine then asks him where he sees himself in 5 years. Adam says Average Joe 12. That answer suddenly had a new meaning for me after watching the conclusion of this episode. I donít doubt he got at least get that last answer correct.
Early the next morning, Adam meets Rachel for a sunrise date. Rachel remembers that Adam said he wanted to be swept off his feet, so Rachel gives it the old college try with a poem she wrote for him. Adam is impressed, likely because Rachel managed to write it down and thatís more than Adam thought to do with his song for Christine the night before. After breakfast, the two go horseback riding before they engage in a lively game of kissing archery. (Donít ask). Later, the couple ends up in a barn where Adam presents Rachel with a bracelet. Adamís motto has always been ĎYou only live onceí and shows her his YOLO bracelet. His friends had given him a matching YOLO bracelet to give to one of the girls on the journey and since thatís what Rachel said to Adam on their first private date, sheís the lucky recipient. Rachel gets choked up and assures him that she is truly there for him, hinting that perhaps some of the other girls may not be. Looks good for Rachel, right?
Amy gets the final date with Adam in a locale that can only be described as Ďsome place with a great viewí. The date gets off to a shaky start as Amy is obviously uncomfortable for some reason. Adam attempts to dig out whatís bothering her and she admits she has some questions for him. She explains that sheís worried about her chances since sheís neither Jewish nor from the east coast. Adam assures her that heís looking for the right person. This seems to put her a little more at ease and Adam wisely starts a food fight in an effort to relax her enough to start to make out with him. The plan succeeds.
Ending Really Freakiní Short Relationships
Itís time for the most tearful elimination ceremony yet. We know this because lame voiceover man tells us, obviously trying to lobby for Chris Harrisonís job should he ever hold out for more money. I canít think of one ceremony that was especially tearful, so I donít think it would take much to claim that top spot. Adam appears before the remaining ladies and explains that it was easier before, because he was eliminating friends and now heís ending relationships. No really, he said that. If he had a relationship with Stephanie, then Iím downright having an affair with the guy down the hall that I say hi to each morning when we meet at the mailboxes. But I digress, back to the tearful elimination.
First to go, no surprise, is Stephanie. She admits that she didnít get much of a chance with Adam and allows that her relationship with Samantha probably cost her in the end. No tears.
Second to leave is Christine. Adam explains that he felt she was a cool girl more than having any sort of emotion for her. Heís obviously forgot all the butterfly talk and the subsequent making out on their date from a couple nights before. Christine gets the award for bitterest exit of the episode so far when she gives him a cool good-bye and then takes the opportunity to put him down in her confessional, chiding him for not being able to handle her. Still no tears.
Finally, Adam says good-bye to Amy. Both Rachel and Samantha immediately hug Amy and the trio burst into tears. Ah, here we go. Adam is obviously saddened to say good-bye to her, but explains it shouldnít be that awkward if sheís the right girl for him.
That leaves Rachel and Samantha as the final 2. Well, really final 3 if you count Chloe, but they are more of a packaged deal. The girls will go back home with Adam to meet his parents and have one last private date with him before he selects the ultimate winner. Or loser, depending on how much you like Adam.
No, Really, I Feel Like Part of the Family
Adam brings Samantha to his parentís home in New Jersey first to meet his parents and sister. Almost immediately his mother Andrea is turned off. Somewhere around the high maintenance faÁade and the Barneys talk and frequent shopping references, Mom sensed a gold digger. Andrea bombards Samantha with questions about her motivation for coming on the show, but Adam asks her to ease off. During a very tense dinner, Samantha makes a valiant effort at fitting in by talking about how comfortable she feels and how at home his family makes her feel. If Samantha feels accepted and comfortable with Adamís family, I can only imagine how poorly her own family must treat her. Things donít look good for Sam.
After dinner, Adam and Samantha head out for a boat ride with a great view of the Statue of Liberty. Adam picks up on Samanthaís insecurity for the first time and is a bit unnerved by her constant talk of competition. Samantha admits that the best case scenario would be to win and get the chance to hang out with Adam and
spend his money,go doggie shopping as much as sheíd like. Adam says that Samantha has swept him off his feet. Adam did say he was looking for the best match for him, right? I swear thatís what I heard.
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
As Adam brings Rachel home to meet his parents, he explains itís tough for him not to think of Samantha. Unfortunately, Adamís parents do not feel the same as they quickly warm up to Rachel. It didnít hurt that she brought them a plant to thank them for welcoming her into their home. Actually, Adam could have brought home Courtney Love and his mother would still have preferred her to Samantha. Mr. & Mrs. Mesh are far more hospitable as they usher Rachel into the living room to watch old home movies of Adam rather than leave her in the kitchen, like Sam. Upon realizing that this girl could really be the girl for her son, Andrea bursts into tears. These few tears are more dramatic than any elimination ceremony could hope to be as Mrs. Mesh runs upstairs to compose herself, quickly followed by Rachel and the television crew. Rachel comforts her would be mother in law and explains that she understands how she must be feeling and assures her that she really does have genuine feelings for her son. Downstairs, Adam is freaking out by his motherís reaction and admits that he has never seen his mother like this.
Later, Adam talks privately with his mother who admits that she prefers Rachel and fears that Sam is only out for Sam. She also compares Rachel and Samantha to Adam himself and Jason and explains that there was a reason why everyone liked Adam. Adam stares at her blankly, apparently missing his motherís point. Thatís expression #6, for those of you still counting facial expressions.
Before their private date, Adam takes some time to himself to examine his reasons for his participation in the process. He reiterates that he wants to be with someone who is right for him and who he can see himself with in the future. As he meets up with Rachel, he explains that itís a bit scary that everything is so perfect with her and he asks her about passion. Rachel explains that she has very passionate feelings for him and that seems to placate Adam enough to make out with her all around the Manet exhibit and later in their private suite.
High Risk Trader
Itís finally time for the big decision that have taken 3 whole episodes to lead up to. Finally armed with personalities, we have a sense of the seriousness of the decision Adam is faced with. Will he choose the textbook perfect girl that heís known for all of 2 weeks or will he select the high maintenance seductress with the unhealthy attachment to her dog that heís known for all of 2 weeks? Tough call. All three parties are in the process of preparing for the big decision. Adam insists heís smarter than either Melana or Larissa and will make the right decision. Rachel believes that sheís the best choice for Adam and explains how much she cares for him. Samantha is surprised that sheís even competing against Rachel at all since she thinks they are nothing alike, barely hiding her disdain at having to compete against a schoolteacher. I mean, Rachel has probably never ever set foot inside a Barneyís for crying out loud.
We find Adam in the same airplane hanger that he was rejected in himself only a few short months ago. Remember how devastated and crushed he was? Remember how everyone seemed to think that Adam was the better choice for Melana? Is it not obvious that Adam will choose Rachel?
Since reality shows have long learned not to give away the winner away by who is first to arrive, Samantha shows up. I admit I immediately thought this meant she was a goner. Adam faces Samantha with a poker face and explains that heís sorry he had so many first impressions of her that she ultimately proved wrong. He tells her that he thinks of her all the time and wants her to stay. Samantha is happy to be the winner, complete with unlimited trips to Barneys and all the high end doggie boutiques on Adamís dime and runs up to board the plane.
Rachel shows up soon afterwards and seems to know almost immediately her fate. Adam sadly explains that he thinks Rachel is perfect, but not perfect for him. After all, Rachel never once made it seem like she was interested in his money and he just canít trust a girl like that! He lets her go, but Rachel reiterates that she was there for the right reasons and thinks Adam is making a mistake. Later on the bus, she explains that Adam said he wanted a future with someone, but deep inside, Rachel doesnít feel that heís really ready for what he claims he wants. I tell ya, psychiatrists could have a field day with that boy. Or he could just be as superficial and horny as everybody else seems to be.
Well, thatís it guys. Join me again in 5 years for Average Joe 12: Adam Returns. Again.