Adam Returns Recap – 03/29 - Smooth As Chunky Peanut Butter
Is everyone excited and ready for another action packed installment of Adam Returns? Are you on the edge of your seat, checking your Adam Returns, office pools anxious to check your rank this week? Are you breathlessly waiting to discover if an Average Joe really can find true love? Yeah, me neither.
Would You Like To See What You’re Playing For?
The show starts off with a bang as the 10 remaining women are told they will compete for individual dates with Adam. Apparently the show that wants to be The Bachelor now wants to be Survivor. Since this is the show without a host, I guess that makes Adam, Jeff Probst. I’m sure CBS is shaking in their boots.
In any case, the first reward challenge is to build a basketball net in less than an hour. The first girl to complete the task, wins reward, which is Adam, apparently. Christine ended up winning, although Tracilee was quick to complain that none of the other girls helped her. I thought that was the point of the competition, why would anyone want to help their competition? In any case, Tracilee feels that the other girls don’t like her. Every reality show needs their whiner, I suppose.
The next competition is a trading competition. Yeah, I was confused too. Seems that the women get the chance to be Adam and try their hand at stock trading, complete with a pool of laptops around. As you can imagine, no one knew what they were doing, aside from Adam, which provided him numerous opportunities to lean over and look down the girls shirts. Even Adam said if this were a proper work environment, he’d be slapped with sexual harassment charges. Fortunately for him, none of the girls seemed to mind. Of course, until after they get eliminated when the lawsuits will be flying fast and furious, no doubt. Samantha manages to pull out a win, thanks in large part to Adam, who admitted he wanted to give her some extra help.
Apparently, there was also a bonus date, since Adam announces that he’d like Tracilee to join him on an ice cream date later that night for overcoming her fears on the last date. You remember, the bull fighting date where he didn’t select Tracilee for the one on one date afterwards? I suspect he got sick of hearing her whine, too.
Nobody Said He Was Smooth
Later that evening, Tracilee gets all decked out to go on her ice cream date. Most of the girls mock her when she leaves. It seems as though Trace might have been right about the girls not liking her, but wrong about the reasons. Unless, of course, people thinking you’re a bitch really means they’re jealous of you, in which case she’d be 100% correct.
Over ice cream, Tracilee shares a heartwarming tale with Adam. She explains that she’s always been picky and that her mother always told her the guy she wanted, didn’t exist. After watching the first installment of Average Joe, her mother told her that he did and that man was Adam. I’m guessing that was after it was revealed that Adam was worth a few million, but Adam swallows it whole. In fact, he got chills. Boys and girls, the word for today is N A I V E. Back at Adam’s bachelor pad, things are looking up. How can I tell? Well, the way Adam is strategically placing a couch pillow on his lap, for starters. Like all the women on this show so far, Tracilee goes for her opening and starts kissing Adam. After their mini-makeout session, Adam hears coyotes in the distance and freaks right out. I suspect those coyotes are actually cougars. As Adam explains the newly discovered symbolism between coyotes and his dates, Tracilee gets a frozen look on her face, realizing that she’s not the first lucky lady to have
BobAdam shove his tongue down her throat.
The next day, Christine and Adam start with go-karts. Adam admits he’s very attracted to her, but felt incredibly stupid because the pit crew had to keep bailing him out when he repeatedly got his go-kart stuck in the tires. The night improves as they take a ride on a boat named Possibilities and later another called Romance. Oh, the foreshadowing. The two cuddle, kiss and canoodle and Adam claims it was the most romantic date ever. Yes Adam, we know. They are all the most romantic dates ever.
Meanwhile back at the house, the girls are staging an intervention with Tracilee. It seems as though everyone is aware of the tension and wants to smooth things over. Jenn A starts off by admitting she’s wanted to tell Traci for a long time that her fingernails look like Fritos. Excellent mediation skills. Despite many of the girl’s sincere efforts, Tracilee lashes out at almost all of them and explains she really wishes her mother was there to help her through such a difficult time. Yeah, I’m sure that must be very difficult and about as difficult for every single other girl there. In a confessional, Traci quickly reminds us that the girls are all aware of her connection with Adam and she knows that they are all jealous of her. Oddly enough, we don’t see any confessionals from the other girls admitting their jealousy or even validating this so-called connection that she and Adam have. Perhaps that’s because the connection is the same as any other girl that manages to have 10 minutes alone with Adam. Tracilee also lets it slip that she’s a faithful watcher of the Bachelor when she explains that she’s not there to make friends. Apparently it hasn’t occurred to Tracilee that if she’s in a difficult situation, she’d benefit by not being a difficult person.
Zach Is Back, No One Notices
Thanks to the sadistic producers, Samantha and Adam head back to the scene of Adam’s first ‘date’ with Melena, the Desert Willow Golf Course. Adam explains it was where the magic started. You remember, where Tariq had his meltdown and Adam looked safe and mentally stable by comparison? Unfortunately, Zach, the jerk from the first Average Joe, has been recruited to play saboteur. His first assignment is to plant 30 lbs of rocks in Adam’s golf bag, knowing that Adam will play gentleman and try to carry both bags. The plan works and we’re treated to numerous shots of Adam struggling to carry both bags. Nearing the end of the game, Samantha and Adam are told that they can go on a spa date, if they shoot 6 or under on a hole, or a work date, if they shoot 7 and over. As Adam winds up for the winning putt, Zach drives Adam’s golf cart into the pond, via remote control. If you missed the episode, Adam did this weird jump/dance hybrid that really is too bizarre to explain. It was very, very funny, unless you’re Samantha or Adam and then it would be very, very embarrassing. The golf cart sinks to the bottom and Adam and Samantha learn they will have to perform maintenance on the golf course. And they do actually work, as they go pick balls on the driving range and put on hip waders to recover golf balls in the water. While in the water, one of the golfers comes by to ask what they’re doing. Upon learning that they are on a date, he asks if they’ve kissed yet. When he learns they haven’t, he asks them to kiss. You’d think that would be a lot of pressure for a guy, but Adam’s had a lot of practice lately and gives the old pervert what they want. After they’re completed working for the day, Adam and Samantha get the spa date after all, where they resume their make out session. In case you’re counting, Adam is now 5 for 5.
Behind The Laughter:Average Joe
While Samantha and Adam are on their date, the girls get the opportunity to watch the finale of Average Joe:Hawaii. Apparently this is very exciting for everyone, which leads me to believe the house is very well stocked with alcohol. But there is a little surprise for the girls; Brian from AJ2 has decided to watch the finale with them. You know, it’s not bad enough that Brian had to lose, but he gets to watch himself be rejected with a bunch of strange girls he’s never met. It’s not all bad for Brian, since all the girls surround him and offer him support and genuinely seem to enjoy his company. Especially Jenn L, who found herself by Brian’s side all evening and really, made quite a cute little couple. But Brian wasn’t the only surprise for the girls, they got a special promo of their show, complete with clips of Adam kissing every single girl he’s been with so far, except for Tracilee. This seemingly infuriates Tracilee enough that she goes back and pauses it frame by frame to analyze Adam’s every move. Nope, still no kisses with Tracilee. I guess the editors must have been jealous of her too. The girls are mostly very upset, especially the 5 girls that haven’t yet had a private date with Adam. Jenn L, in particular, studies herself in the mirror and explains that she’s feeling very insecure around all these beautiful women and is starting to lose all hope. Oh Jenn, don’t despair. I’m sure if Adam got the chance to spend some private time with you, he’d be shoving his tongue down your throat too. Let’s hope you’ll get the chance to feel special like the other 5.
Before the elimination ceremony, the girls assemble and profess their love and affection for each other. Well, maybe not for Tracilee. The Adam saliva free girls insist that even if they are sent home tonight, they will treasure their experiences thanks in large part to the friendships they’ve made. Except for maybe Tracilee. As Adam joins them, Jenn L lets it slip that they saw the promo for Adam Returns, along with Adam kissing everyone. Adam panics and looks to the kissee’s for confirmation. Once he realizes it’s true, Adam acts more uncomfortable than even before and quickly begs off to deliberate.
Do You Detect A Pattern Here?
The girls assemble for the weekly walk of shame. First to go is Heather. Remember Heather? Me neither. As Heather says good-bye to Adam, he stammers that she’s very pretty. This doesn’t seem to soften the blow at all as Heather ends up teary to the camera upset that she wasn’t given a chance since she didn’t have a private date with Adam.
Next to go is Jenn L. Everyone’s favourite underdog is visibly upset, and also feels that she wasn’t given a chance. However, Jenn L is hopeful that the right guy is out there for her. I wonder if she thinks she met him the night before.
Jenn A is given her walking papers and says that she will now hold guys to a higher standard after meeting Adam. So Jenn’s higher standard is a guy that dates 9 other girls and makes out with all of them? I’d hate to see what she dated before.
Next dismissed is Courtney, who feels horrible since she put herself out on the line and got hurt. No offence Courtney, but did you actually ever talk to Adam? Courtney also wishes she got some private time with Adam. This, even after she discovered how easy he was.
At this point, of the 5 girls he hasn’t had a date with, 4 of them are gone. It seems apparent that the next girl to go with be the other girl he hasn’t had private time with, you know, whatshername. Instead, Adam announces that Tracilee is the next to go. As Adam says good-bye to Tracilee, he explains he could really see himself dating her. Huh? What the hell kind of explanation is that? I guess he was only trying to divert the powerful attraction they shared from the other girls. Good move.
Next week: Adam pars down the field to 5, then 2. Oh, and his parents don’t like one of them. (Does this mean Tracilee comes back?)