Hard Bodies, Hard Choices - Adam Returns Recap 03/22
You would think a show titled Average Joe would be more sympathetic to the ordinary regular guy. You’d be wrong, of course, but you would think that if you hadn’t seen an episode of the first or second installment. Despite having more personality than Melana and Larissa combined, Adam only has 4 episodes in which to complete his journey or experience or whatever catchword he ends up deciding to use. No lush opening filled with half naked shots of Adam playing on the beach, dreaming of his true love, we’ve got a tight schedule to keep! And yes, I really am okay with that. Didn’t care for it the first two times around.
The Ghost of Bob Guiney
Adam doesn’t have much time to get to know the women, and neither do we. The remaining 15 women are divided into two groups for the first group dates of the series. I don’t know how your math is, but those are pretty big numbers. There comes a point when it stops being a group date and starts to be a bunch of groupies. The first group date goes snowboarding with Adam where one of the girls will get an opportunity to spend some one on one time with him afterwards. The women are the usual mix of paranoia, cattiness and desperation and honestly, we don’t really get a chance to get to know any of them very well at this break neck speed. Adam chooses Rachel and they retreat to the obligatory outdoor hot tub. Surrounded by snow and the sounds of coyotes in the background, Rachel wastes no time in making her move. Adam tells her that he doesn’t want to go around kissing every girl, but he’s glad she kissed him. I’m glad she did too since I’m finally starting to tell them apart.
Meanwhile, Christine and Anna are gossiping about why Adam would choose Rachel. Christine downplays her disappointment and speculates that he picked someone that he’s not sure about rather than someone he obviously likes, like her. She must have made quite an impression on Adam for her to be so convinced that he’s aware of their connection in the 15 minutes they’ve had together so far.
The next group of women go bullfighting, complete with an ambulance on the scene. Since the point of Average Joe is to always humiliate the average joe, Adam is in full bolero gear. Surprisingly, none of the girls volunteer to quit. The bull is actually more of a calf, but some of the women are quite frightened and/or milking the damsel in distress card for all it’s worth. Adam decides to continue the date with Amy as they retreat to, what else, the hot tub. Tracilee, who was most afraid of the bull, is surprised he didn’t pick her, but figures he already knew he liked her so he’ll use the time to get to know someone else. Raise your hand if you think Tracilee bunks with Christine.
Meanwhile, back in the hot tub, the romantic setting has inspired Amy to make a move of her own as she leans over to kiss Adam. Afterwards, Amy hears coyotes and Adam has a major attack of déjà vu. Adam later confesses that he really didn’t want to come on the show and kiss every girl and but now he’s two for two. He is like Bob Guiney, but with a conscience.
If She Doesn’t Win, She Can Always Come Back on a Sequel
Back at the bachelorette mansion, the girls are getting to know each other. By all accounts, everyone likes Jenn L. Jenn A. thinks she’s a great person with great energy and calls her, Rabbi’s girl gone wild. Cue the shot of Jenn L. in a dress leaving little to the imagination. Jenn L. confesses that she’s never had a boyfriend and she often feels as if she has to compete with tall, beautiful women. The self proclaimed underdog admits she feels afraid that Adam won’t see the person she truly is inside.
The Stuff Legends Are Made Of
The next day, Adam is excited about all the girls coming over for lunch. Why have two huge uncomfortable group dates when you can have one awkward mammoth date? Unbeknownst to Adam, the big guys from AJ1, Jay, Joe & Craig, are on their way with a new group of women for Adam. These are, supposedly, the hot women. And really, what could be hotter than 5 women dressed in bathing suits, riding in a bus from Vegas with Jay, Joe & Craig? The guys greet their old friend and introduce the new guests. Adam, and I’m not making this up, asks the guys what the girls are there for. Excuse me? Wasn’t Adam there when they introduced the hot guys? Didn’t Adam lose against one of the hot guys? In any case, the guys clear up the confusion and Adam reverts to panic mode, fearing that the regular girls are about to show up at any time and catch him. While the new girls retreat to the pool, Adam runs to the producers to take control of the situation. He explains that he wants to give the other girls a chance since he likes at least 5 of them. He tells the producers that he wants to send the hot girls home because he doesn’t want the other girls to feel what he felt with Melana. Adam heads back to the pool and politely asks them to leave. As the girls leave, one of them comments that he’s the kind of guy she’d want to be with, seemingly forgetting that was to be the whole purpose of their appearance on the show. Think what you will about Adam, but that was pretty damn cool.
Are You Ready for Some Eliminations?
Crisis averted, the regular girls arrive at the mansion without incident. When questioned about what he did all afternoon, Adam decides to take the high road and doesn’t tell them what happened. Instead, Adam has organized a game of football between the girls. In the mud. Who needs supermodels when you can get 15 girls to roll around in the mud for you? The Yellow Snow Angels face the Red Matadors, cleverly named, if you’re 8, for the dates they went on with Adam. The winning team gets to select someone to be immune for the elimination. Complete with NFL voiceover guy, the women play a competitive, well played game that ends in a tie and has to be settled with a coin toss. The Yellow Snow Angels emerge victorious, calling heads.
Later that night, Rochelle and Tracilee discuss the other girls, namely Summer, who they believe is there to further her acting career rather than actually date Adam. Obviously Summer hasn’t watched much reality TV. If she did, she’d know that the best she can hope for is a Mach 3 commercial and those plum jobs are really usually reserved for the Survivor rejects. But then, I’d say a late night regional used car spot would qualify as stardom to Summer, so it might be a success for her after all.
As elimination approaches, Adam makes the rounds with the girls as they try to make a lasting impression. In the course of the conversation, Brittany discloses to Adam that she has a son. If you’re familiar with Adam, you’ll know he has very few facial expressions. Grin, pasted on grin, panic and tongue shoved down your throat. After considering option #4, Adam selected ‘pasted on grin’. Later, Adam compliments Jenn L on her red bracelet. Jenn explains that it’s a Kabbalah bracelet that falls off when you’re in the presence of the person you’re meant to be with. Jenn jokes that she’ll go get the scissors anytime. Adam once again drags out ‘pasted on grin’.
It’s Not Me, It’s…. Okay, It’s You.
The girls gather around Adam, who has lost the suit and still hasn’t shaved to learn their fate. Adam announces that the girls have selected Rachel, the first hot tub girl, as the girl immune from tonight’s elimination. Why the girls would pick one of the only girls to spend any alone time with Adam to stay is beyond me. Maybe Christine shared her, ‘He only picked her because he doesn’t really know if he likes her’ theory.
The walk of shame begins as Adam calls his first victim, Elisabeth. Elisabeth cries a few tears, but explains she’s upset to leave the rest of the girls more than Adam. Next to go is Summer, who is devastated that she’s had to cut her national television appearance so short. Never fear, I’m sure she’ll find stardom on a local cable access channel in the future. Anna leaves next and Adam doesn’t really have much of a reason to let her go. Anna chalks it up to lack of time. Adam sends Rochelle home next, much to her relief. She feels the show turned her very catty and she didn’t feel very good about herself. Rochelle is confident that she and Adam can continue their friendship back in New York.
Finally, Adam eliminates Brittany. As she goes to say good-bye, Adam falls all over himself trying to explain where he’s coming from. He says he wanted to be fair to her, as he wasn’t ready to date a girl with children. Adam just goes on and on about it. It really is quite awkward and uncomfortable, but Brittany handles it well. That is, until she leaves and brands Adam not mature enough to be with her.
Next Week: Adam reconsiders his decision to send the hot girls home.