Adam Returns: Without a Vengence
Once upon a time, there was a cute, blonde woman searching for love on a TV show. Among the men sent to win her heart was a loveable average guy with a great sense of humour who became a huge hit with the audience. He didnít get the girl in the end, but the producers liked him enough to offer him his own show and a chance at true love.
That show, my friends, was The Bachelor 4 Ė Bob Guiney.
But this is not the Bachelor, this is NBCís Average Joe. And like the unoriginal network it is, it ripped off the idea with itís own loveable lug, Adam Mesh. Time will only tell if Adam will fall from grace as quickly as Bob did. Welcome to another season of Average Joe, Iíll be your recapper for this mini series known as Average Joe: Adam Returns. Where once again Lame Voiceover Man will ponder whether or not an Average Joe can find true love? After 2 seasons of this dreck, youíd figure heíd think no, but apparently LVM is an optimist. Iíd also like to point out that an Average Joe isnít a millionaire like Adam is, but on this show, I guess you need all the breaks you can get.
Did Anyone Think They Were REALLY In Love?
We, and Adam of course, start at the scene of the crime. This show is so cruel that Adam is actually forced to revisit the same airport hanger where Melana dumped him. For what seems like an eternity, Adam reflects upon that experience and confesses he was convinced that Melana was going to pick him. Flashback after flashback follows us down their romantic journey, that ultimately ended when Melana picked the pretty, but bland Jason, over Adam. As if this isnít painful enough, we learn that Adam watched the finale with about a hundred of his closest friends in a bar where they got to watch him get rejected on the big screen. Wow. Sounds like a great time.
Ah, but donít despair for our hero, as he started to receive a ton of attention as a result of the show. Adam went on the usual media whore circuit and soon strange women were stopping him on the street. And calling him at home. And on his cell. And apparently none of them were the least bit desirable, since he found his way back on reality TV trying to find a girl. As if to tell us that Adam was down, but not out, the Rocky theme music is cued. We see footage from that one day when Adam went on that one jog, that one time. Iím not exactly inspired. Soon Adam moves into his new digs, which happens to be the exact same house Melana stayed in during the first Average Joe. This time, he gets to see the bedroom where he finds a signed pair of boxing gloves from Sylvester Stallone. Or perhaps they were signed by a key grip or someone. Somehow I donít think Sly sits around Monday nights watching Average Joe, but thatís just me.
A Little Help From My Friends
It seems that thousands of women sent in videos to get the chance to meet and date Adam. Who would be best suited to study all those videos? The producers seemed to think this was the task for a 35 year old virgin. Dennis L, also known as the nicest human being alive, steps up to the task and heads to a room deep inside the NBC building to study the tapes. Alone, it seems, which Iím not sure is such a good idea given that itís a guy, and some video tapes and some expensive equipment. And for some unknown reason, Dennis has brought hula hoops. As I said, the reason is unknown. Dennis though, is a wonderful human being and heís determined to find the best mix of women for Adam. His main objective is to find women with great personalities, as looks arenít all thatís important. One woman in particular has volunteered to research fire exits in various buildings, given Adamís carelessness with fire hazards during the first Average Joe. Dennis is impressed and laments that heís got a hard job ahead of himself.
This monumental task is not left to Dennis alone, the producers have also recruited former castmate, Tareq. The well dressed former Joe, best known for his superior intellect and his weird broccoli aversion, has been tapped to find the best woman for Adam through a battery of compatibility tests. Tareq even has a team working under him and encourages them to cover all the bases, including questions like whether or not these women like broccoli. I knew this guy had a sense of humour.
But Dennis and Tareq arenít alone. Former Average Joes, Joe, Jay and Craig, victims of the Melana Massacre, as Joe calls it, have been sent on a mission to Las Vegas to find hot girls. The guys are thrilled at the prospect and are swarmed by women, in large part thanks to a huge picture of Adam they carry throughout the casino. Who knew that a freakishly huge picture of Adam would be such a chick magnet? The guys retreat to a room where they begin to judge the women, American Idol style, solely based on their hotness factor. For the record, they all seem to be more like Paula than Simon.
Hating Every Minute of It
The show is not about those Average Joes though, itís about Adam and we find him anticipating the Bachelorettesí arrival. Adam seems to be recycling Melanaís cue cards, as he begins to talk about love and knowing the one when you see her and not wanting to be with anyone else. The more Adam talks, the most pasted on his expression seems to be. If we were to have been treated to a full body shot, and Iím not suggesting thatís a good thing, Iím sure there would be pit stains a mile long.
Finally, itís time for Adam to greet the women. Adam is seriously freaking out. Unlike his last appearance on Average Joe, the producers seem to have insisted he dress up for the occasion. He looks terrified and uncomfortable and if I do say so myself, appears to be having second thoughts about the process. Remember, this is the same show that introduced hotter guys halfway through and then set the guys up to talk about Melanaís fat Ďcousin.í If heís nervous, Iíd say he has good reason. He muses that he has no idea what may come off the bus. In a brilliant, (well, brilliant for NBC) piece of editing, Dennis steps off the bus. Dennis explains that he helped pick out some women for Adam and that heís happy with his choices. Adam seems happy to see Dennis and happy that he had a hand in it. At least Dennis, unlike the powers that be at NBC that screwed him over with the Ďhot guyí twist, is trustworthy.
The girls start piling out of the bus. If youíve ever seen any sort of show like this, you know what happens next. This group is no exception. There are some pretty girls, some not so pretty girls, some gifts and a few girls named Jennifer. Some of the girls squeal in delight. Some of the girls try to act mysterious and cool and fail miserably. Some donít. A few of the girls are wearing dresses that lay it all out on display and Adam grins. One of the Elizabethís scores points with a Michigan sweater and Adam seems pleased with the field of women.
Then another woman comes out. Or what appears to be a woman. Itís quite obviously a man in a bad wig and a dress, but which guy? Panic strikes to the very heart of me fearing that it might be Zach. Adam immediately recognizes him. Itís Jason. JASON? The guy that Adam lost to? The guy that was responsible for shattering Adamís self esteem? It seems that Jason feels bad for Adam and wanted to help. Jasonís on a mission of reconnaissance and sat on the bus trying to infiltrate the group of women to determine which women were sincere and which had less than honorable intentions. He says he was willing to wear a dress for Adam. Besides, dating Melana was a worse punishment. And what did Jason learn on his mission? Apparently precious little since the extent of his information was that they all seemed to really be into him. Wow. Thatís valuable information right there.
Finally, another bus pulls out. Tareq exits and explains to Adam that after extensive testing, theyíve found 2 girls that are most compatible with Adam. Two? Thatís it? The compatible girls are Rochelle and Rebecca and they make their way into the house to join the rest of the women.
Parade of Desperate Women
Like every other dating show since the history of time, the party is in full swish by the time Adam gets to join them. Adam is clearly overwhelmed and wants a chance to speak to all of the women for at least 5 minutes. All of the women try to do the most with the little time they have. Adam admits he knows theyíre trying to make a good impression, but heís concerned with making a good impression on them. Aww, Bob was never this humble. The women come fast and furious. Anna, who canít keep Adamís eyes away from taking a gaze down her low cut dress, Amy, who gazes into Adamís eyes, scoring big points with him, and Jenn L, who is ridiculously excited about meeting Adam, are among the highlights. The women all get a chance to go into the photo booth with Adam and it becomes painfully obvious how freakishly huge his head is. A good time was had by all.
The Most Boring Elimination Ceremony Ever
After spending about 5 minutes with each girl, itís time for Adam to eliminate 4. Heís already tormented and spends his private time alone in his room fretting instead of shaving, which he could have used. Baby steps, I suppose, they at least got him to put a suit on.
The ceremony is about to begin. There is no RoboChris or roses to be found anywhere. Even Kathy Griffin seems to have abandoned this trainwreck long ago. Itís just Adam. And in the fine tradition of Average Joe, Adam will call out the rejects to make their elimination that much harder.
Adam explains that he hated this part as well, despite never being eliminated until the airplane hanger. First to go is Elizabeth Wood. Elizabeth had earlier bragged that sheíd outlast them all, right before she started talking about Adamís business in her first few moments with him.
Next gone is Sarah. Sarah was cute, blonde and friendly. I have no idea why Adam chose to eliminate her and perhaps neither does Adam as he offers no explanation.
Rebecca is cut next. Rebecca was one of Tareqís two choices. Rebecca is obviously hurt and feels she wasnít given much of a chance considering she is supposed to be very compatible with Adam.
Finally is Jennifer. Before I leap out of my chair in delight thinking the hyperactive, stalkerish, Rachel Dratch lookalike was gone, I realized it was Jennifer B. Jenn B was a big fan of the show and seemed very friendly and likeable. Like Rebecca, Jenn B is also a larger woman, but not fat by any stretch of the imagination.
Too bad Joe, Craig and Jay werenít around to consult Adam on his selections. Speaking of which, I canít imagine why they werenít there with their bus full of girls.
Like we couldnít see that twist coming a mile away.
Join me next week when Adam starts to morph into Bob as he begins his tonsil hockey across America tour.