Episode 5 Recap - "Mr. Happy Shiny Happy People Pants"
After the obligatory scenes from previous shows, we begin this week with Larissa throwing the AJ’s a bone by going horseback riding with them. David Daskal, furthering the observation that he had the worst childhood in history, confesses that he’s never been on a horse, but it’ll still be his “moment to shine.” In all fairness, horses can be pretty scary. One stepped on my foot once at summer camp. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Brian W. assures his horse that he’s never agreed with the saying “beating a dead horse”, and though he might lead it to water, he’d never make it drink. Whether or not the horse stamped once to indicate its pleasure with this revelation, I just don’t know.
Manure Is A Wicked Powerful Aphrodisiac
Once everyone’s had their fill of riding around in a big pasture, Larissa entertains the guys one-on-one whilst sitting outside of a barn. I’ve always said that farm animals and the smell of manure make for one hell of a romantic atmosphere. She asks each of the guys how they’re handling the twist in the game. The general consensus is that after the initial shock wore off, the AJ’s have decided not to let the new guys affect their confidence too much. Brian G. talks about how he’s sexy in his own way, going on to call himself “sexual chocolate.” Okay pal. I saw “Coming To America” too. You’re not “Coming To America” funny, though. You’re not even “Adventures of Pluto Nash” funny, as difficult as that may be to believe. Fredo is as big on the bravado as ever, and reassures Larissa that he doesn’t try to “opinionate anyone.” I haven’t the first freaking clue what he’s trying to say there, but it’s good to know. Tony gets the validation he’s been needing since the new guys showed up when Larissa tells him that she hasn’t forgotten him and the wonderful time they had together. Brian W. is the first to name names about which new guy is a jackass, and outs Mike K. Larissa, probably having flashbacks of the “amazing connection” she made with Mike on their private date, is surprised, and thanks Brian for being so forthright with her. His honesty is rewarded with a private date of his own that night on - what else? - the yacht.
”Oops I Crapped My Pants”
Back at the house, we find out that Tony and Mike S. aren’t the only creative men in the game when we’re treated to some of Theo’s artistic stylings. Apparently he thought it would be funny to draw a cartoon depicting the lineup of the AJ’s on the night the new guys entered the game. In his rendering, Larissa’s eyes are bugged about 3 feet out of her head, and she’s saying something like “Thank God!” David has lost control of his bladder, and Fredo is just standing there being not slim. All in all, it’s an incredibly unflattering portrayal. More insulting, however, is that it’s painfully unfunny. It’s not quite Mary Worth bad, but it’s no Boondocks.
Supercuts - As Hip As You Want To Be
Later that evening, Brian W. and Larissa get to know each other over drinks on the boat. Brian’s hair was cut prior to the date, and he looks about ten zillion times better. Who knew that all he needed was to get the bangs off his forehead? He’s still not one of the prettyboy new guys, but words really can’t describe the immense improvement the new hair made in his overall appearance. Sadly, later in the show he was back to the same old ‘do, but for that one night, he looked great. Anyway, he and Larissa talk about his work for the Department of Homeland Security, joking that he rappels down buildings and jumps out of airplanes. They laugh a lot, but Brian realizes he needs to step it up and open up a bit. He admits to Larissa that he’s never been in love before, and has never said the words “I love you” to anyone outside of his immediate family. I was cringing while watching this, because I was so sure he was going to pull the “But Larissa...I think I might love YOU!” line. You people have no idea how relieved I was that he didn’t. Instead, he quite appropriately just said that he was open to any possibility, and he wanted to open himself up to the experience. It went over well, and Larissa gushes that she finds him to be the most interesting person she’s ever known. It would be nice if the new guys could have been watching this on a webcam or something, as I personally find it to be the most complimentary thing she’s said to anyone yet. Physical attractions are all well and good, but I think most people will agree that interesting goes a lot farther than pretty. The new men might not realize this, however, as we’re shown a clip of the guys back at the house, and Chachi is spending a lot of time bagging on Brian, because he can’t imagine him getting very far with Larissa in a romantic sense. As Brian gently caresses Larissa’s hand with his finger, they kiss. In fact, Brian only gave her a light peck, and Larissa drew him back in for a longer one. So much for Chachi’s theories. After the date, Larissa tells the camera that she thinks Brian is a dream guy, and she trusts him more than any other guy there. Interesting and trustworthy. It sounds genuinely promising.
And I Pray For World Peace Every Night, Too!
The following morning, there’s a tuxedo sitting on the couch, with a note asking Marky Mark Todd to join Larissa for a private date. The previous night, Todd was making fun of Brian when he returned from his date, so I hate that he’s being rewarded for being such a jackass. He takes a helicopter to a private cove, where he disembarks and joins Larissa ONCE AGAIN on the yacht. You know, the yacht is very nice. It’s obviously incredibly expensive and luxurious, and I’m sure I’ll go my whole life without ever setting foot on anything like it. But you know - you could have multiple dates in a row at the Sistine Chapel, and it’d get old. Anyway, Larissa tells us that Todd sort of represents all of the new guys in her mind, and she’s a bit wary of how perfect they seem. It’s hard to trust people that polished. Word. I’d be bored to tears with those guys. Todd jumps right in to prove Larissa’s point, and starts talking some nonsense about wanting to lecture on education, hard work, blah blah blah, family values, blah blah. He also has Hollywood aspirations. What? A reality show contestant with Hollywood aspirations? I’m shocked and appalled. Okay, really just appalled. Could he possibly be more generic? Also, he looks really ugly while eating, so HA! AND he never had his very own Funky Bunch, so he loses. Better luck next time, Dirk Diggler. Larissa decides to interrogate him a little bit about Theo’s warning from last week and the whole beaver fiasco. In response, Todd says “I’m going to look you right in your beautiful green eyes...” and I trailed off. He denied knowing who said it, but I was too busy puking uncontrollably to hear exactly how he phrased the denial. There was something about how some of the other guys talk like they’re in a locker room or some other nonsense, but it was all total crap.
Proving that his arrogance truly doesn’t know any bounds, Mike K. disses Todd by saying he knows no other guy could make the same sort of connection with Larissa that he has, so these other dates don’t bother him at all. Brian W., the voice of reason, calls him an arrogant prick. Brian, if you ever read this, let me buy you a drink if you’re ever in Chicago. I like your style. Larissa evidently likes his style too, because when reminiscing on the many dates she had on the yacht, she says she felt Brian’s was the best. The sweetest, the most intimate, the most emotional. I’d love to know what Mike K. thought of that, the sorry little poor man’s Mario Lopez that he is.
Maybe If It Was One Of Those Really Sharp Ginsu Knives
The next morning, tensions are high at the guys’ house. Not so much that they could *literally* be cut with a knife as dumbass Chachi likes to claim, but pretty tense nonetheless. After Larissa told Todd about Theo’s warning against the other new guys - and the beaver remark in particular - Todd ran back and shared this tidbit with all his oily friends. Chachi obviously didn’t like being ratted out by one of his counterparts, and confronts Theo with his treachery. Theo, in the fashion of arrogant guys all around the world who are busted cold, tells Chachi to chill out. He makes halfhearted attempts at calming him down, but Chachi is as pissed as his namesake when Joanie shared an ice cream float with that one blonde guy at Arnold’s. He does a lot of yelling about how it never should have been said, and that maybe Theo ought to spend his alone time with Larissa by selling himself and his attributes instead of cutting the other guys down. This sucks, but I have to agree with Chachi. If you have to make other people look bad in order to look good, you suck. Of course, I point out the contestants weaknesses every third sentence in these recaps, but let’s not examine that too closely, okay? Great, thanks. Fredo tries to stand up for his hometown buddy by saying that beaver really isn’t a derogatory name. He wouldn’t call his girlfriend or wife one, but it’s really not bad. Dude, Fredo, shut up. You aren’t helping. Go put on some Polo and a shiny shirt, and be quiet.
Chachi decides to exact his revenge by cluing the AJ’s in on Theo’s cartoon. He pulls Fredo to the side and tells him that as much as Theo tries to get everyone to like him, and as much as he tries to play both sides (the exact quote, by the way, was “As much as he tries to be Mr. Happy Shiny Happy People Pants...”, which was hilarious), he’s more two-faced than they thought. Fredo confronts Theo, and asks to see the picture. Many of the AJ’s are crowded around, as Theo reluctantly lets them see. David was offended and disappointed that he was shown as having pissed himself. I understand that. The poor kid never swam as a kid. He never rode a bike, nor a horse. He had plenty of time to sit inside and practice bladder control. Give him a little credit, for crying out loud. Fredo was the most vocal with his displeasure, and really let Theo have it. After being chewed out but good and doing more than his fair share of backpedaling, Theo cried for the cameras. He talked about how he never should have been so arrogant in the beginning, as he himself was an AJ in high school. He knows what it’s like to be made fun of, to be beat up. He likes the AJ’s better than the new guys, he thinks they’re better people, and he never wants to make them feel bad. Honestly, this could have been a touching breakthrough for someone else, but it just didn’t come off well with Theo. He’s creepy. I don’t exactly know why. It’s not even the freakishly small forehead. Or it’s not JUST the freakishly small forehead. He comes off as insincere and unbalanced. The AJ’s accepted his apology, but there was definitely some damage done.
I’m Sorry Miss Jackson
When it’s time for the elimination ceremony, we learn that Larissa has to eliminate 3 AJ’s and 3 new guys. When she first joins the men poolside, Chachi steps up and outs himself as being the one responsible for the beaver remark. He tries to tell her that he meant no disrespect, and it was only slang for how hot she looked that night. She buys it, and thanks him for having the onions to come forward. Not wanting to go down alone, though, he cues Theo, who has to confess about the cartoon. What that had to do with Larissa, I don’t know. Nor, I suppose, do I care, because it was fun to watch Theo have to squirm a little bit more. The guys get in their last conversations with Larissa before the elimination ceremony, and start to say goodbye to each other. Mike S., who really IS a very attractive guy, laughs that he really thinks he’s staying, which probably means he’s leaving. Heh. I guess he’s seen one of these shows before.
Keep On Keepin’ On
So here we finally are, after what seems like forever since an elimination. The first one to go tonight is new guy Jerry. He makes some forgettable remarks about how she’s missing out on some stuff by not keeping him longer. Whatever, Uncle Jesse. That’s the most we’ve heard you talk since you got on the show. Next to go is Sean. Damnit. With all due respect to Thom, I wish it had been him. We’ve barely heard him say a word all season, and I was loving Sean. Oh well. Sean leaves with dignity, which made me happy. Third gone is Pete, the model who “definitely works at looking good.” He has time to work harder at it at home now. Bye Pete. The fourth guy eliminated is Mike S. He must’ve jinxed himself by saying he’d be staying. It’s okay, though. He’s attractive enough to find a woman at any church social. He’ll be fine. Fifth to go is Theo. He’s stunned. Lower lip trembling, he tells Larissa that he wish she’d given him more of a chance. As he embarks down the walk of shame, he says “When that hero comes around and is denied, he bleeds. But a hero’s a hero, and he continues. Thus I shall too.” Whatever. Get on the bus, hair plugs. Finally, Larissa calls David Daskal to the side. She tells him how much fun she’s had with him, and how special he is. She’s sorry, but she has to say goodbye to him. David deserves credit for his attitude here, because even though he’s hurt, he smiles and tells her that it’s fine and he hopes she’ll look him up when this is all over. Cool. I’m glad he went out on a high note. Maybe there’s hope for all of us.
Before the show ended, they showed us an update on Sean. Since being sent packing, he’s been working out a lot and has lost 70 lbs. His impetus was the hot tub scene with Larissa. I’m glad for him, and hope that he gains the confidence necessary to attract any woman he might want.
Next week, Brooke Burns gets in the mix, and something gets blown up. Kablooey!
I can't come up with any funny way to say it this week. If you want to email me, go ahead. firstname.lastname@example.org