This week’s show begins with the old reliable reality television standby – scenes from the previous week. We watch again as Larissa reluctantly bids Donato adieu, and he blames it on the shallow nature of society. Afterwards, Larissa cries and admits that she didn’t expect the eliminations to be as difficult as they are.
Hit Us Over The Head With It, Why Don't You?
Back at the guys’ house, the men sit down and talk about how much they miss the fellas who have already left, but revel in the fact they’re all still there. In private interviews, each guy individually tells the camera how comfortable he is in his position there, and how much he likes his chances. According to Thom, it’s an even playing field. He goes on to say that if he were competing against a playboy, he’d have to use what he could to make sure he wasn’t taken out. The foreshadowing is thick tonight, my friends. Thicker than quicksand. Thicker than molasses. Thicker even than David’s glasses.
All That Was Missing Was Bette Midler
Between shots of the average Joes talking up their great chances of winning, we’re treated to our first shots of the hunks. They’re cruising in on a yacht, and each is oiled up to within an inch of their lives. Hellooooooo melanoma! They pose, they flex, they preen. We get close-up after close-up of washboard abs and blinding white teeth. Average Joe Mike is going to be in Crest whitestrip heaven pretty soon. The problem is that as much as I know these guys are supposed to be the ideal physical specimens, one phrase kept running through my head: gay porn. It was all so staged, so scripted. The guys were all so buff. The background music was so cheesy. I don’t know if that’s the vibe the producers were going for, but they nailed it.
Unfortunately, the hunks don’t just stand there looking pretty for long. Each of them had some choice words for the average guys. Michael C. warned that there was “a new sheriff in town.” Jim (the limo guy from episode 1), bragged that “when I walk through the door, they’re going to have this to deal with”, indicating his ripped torso. Michael K., looking for all the world like a low-rent A.C. Slater, exclaimed that “if the game calls for it, [he’s] going to have to suck it up and get a little nasty.” What was I just saying about gay porn? Hunk Jerry said some stuff, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how much he looked like Uncle Jesse long enough to listen to him. To be honest, I stopped listening to all the hunks, because it was just one spoon-fed generic threat after another. Besides, the glare from the 36 liquid tons of baby oil started to hurt my eyes.
"I Knew William Wallace", Revisited.
Back on dry land, our Average Joes are on the beach, ready to participate in a mini-Ironman triathlon. They’re to swim out to a buoy, swim back, ride a bike for an unspecified distance, and then run to the finish line. Before the starting cue, David confesses that he doesn’t know how to swim, nor has he ever ridden a bike. His childhood must have sucked. As the race began, Mike jumped out to the early lead. Tony was right behind him, and Fredo was in third. Thom was looking good in fourth, but got tired near Larissa’s boat, so he quit the race and hung out in the boat with her. Brian W. needed to be rescued out of the water, but he took it with good humor. Brian G. and Sean made it out of the water, while David continued doggy paddling his way to defeat. After the bike and footrace legs were finished, Mike won by a respectable 2 minute and 20 seconds. Tony, Fredo, Brian G. and Sean all completed the entire event as well. David splashed around in the water long enough to complete that leg of the race, but had to be disqualified since he couldn’t ride the bike. Larissa gave him props for persevering. She’s a nice woman, that Larissa. I would have been pointing and laughing and hiding the lifejacket, but that’s just me. For coming in first, Mike won a private date with Larissa. Sean also was awarded a date because he didn’t give up, even when he knew he couldn’t win. He joked that he didn’t appreciate the fact that his prize said “last place” on it. He was hoping for it to say “Braveheart.” Sean, Sean, Sean. You silly man. I think we all know that Zack from P-Ho has sole rights to that name, and he’ll be happy to come kick your ass should you bring it up again.
This Is Mike's Brain On Drugs
For his date with Larissa, Mike takes her parasailing. On the boat ride, they see a pair of dolphins swimming in front of them. According to Mike “they must be a boy and a girl.” Why is that, Mike? Because that’s the way God told Noah to bring them on the ark? Or was he checking out their “equipment”? Either way, I don’t need to know the answer. It just seemed like a stupid observation to make. Sadly, it wasn’t going to be the stupidest thing he had to say during the date. No, that would be reserved for his mid-parasailing confession about his former drug abuse. Listen, I’m not judging the guy for being a former crackhead. He cleaned up his life and found God. Good for him. Nice to see people turn themselves around like that. But when you’re on what is essentially your first date with someone – you very likely don’t even know their birthday or favorite food yet – is that really the time to start playing true confessions? The answer is no. No it is not. The only thing worse would be if he’d talked about the nasty little case of syphilis he picked up that one time in Tijuana. Loser.
After they touch down, they drink smoothies while looking out over the ocean. Larissa asked why he hadn’t dated in a year, and he reveals that he’d been badly hurt in his last relationship. He claims to have forgotten how to kiss, and asks if he can try it out again with her. Suave. She gives him a chaste little peck, but he’s not going to be sated that easily. He thinks he still needs more practice, so he goes in for a longer one. She tolerates it, but then leaves quickly. After they’ve parted ways, he goes on and on about what an amazing date it was. In contrast, Larissa confesses that she’s a bit uncomfortable with the huge change in his behavior over such a short amount of time. It’s nice to open up, but you have to know where to draw the line. My guess is it’s somewhere before “So you take the rubber tubing and wrap it around your arm.” Just a guess, though.
Next Time, Just Kick Him In The Groin And Shoot His Dog
For Sean’s date with Larissa, he wants a chance to show off his culinary talents by cooking her a fabulous dinner. He says that the way to a woman’s heart may not be through her stomach, but it doesn’t hurt. You ain’t just whistling Dixie, buddy. Sean can be a big heavy guy until the cows come home, but if he would prepare me gourmet meals every night, we’d be juuuuust fine. Anyway, moving on. As Sean cooks in Larissa’s kitchen, he begins to sweat. Personally, I didn’t know why this was noteworthy. Both Sean and Larissa commented on it. The way I figure, Sean was cooking over an open flame. He’s in Hawaii. It’s hot. Even a skinny guy would be sweating under those circumstances. Well, not Tony, but most skinny guys. Unfortunately, it was just one more way to set the stage for what turned into “Fat Sean’s adventures in discomfort!”
After enjoying their dinner, Larissa invited Sean over to the jacuzzi for a little relaxation. I understand that there are some differences of opinion about whether this was an insensitive move on Larissa’s part, or whether the omnipresent hand of the producers played a role in the post-dinner activities. Honestly, I don’t care. My heart went out to Sean during this. He seems like such an incredibly nice, cool guy. Yes, he should be concerned about his weight, and yes, it would behoove him to become healthier. But you know what? Every guy on that show – and, I dare say, every human being on this planet – has areas in which they can improve. Was this the appropriate time to spotlight it? Personally, I don’t think it was. If she has a private date with Brian G., are they going to test out Rogaine? If she goes out with Thom, will they spend time at a carnival on a stretching machine? Will she escort Brian W. to an orthodontist? No, probably not. So why not just let Sean have a comfortable, pleasant date where they actually got to know one another? Was making him feel lousy so important to the “storyline” that there was no other activity they could do? Whatever. Sorry, rant over. Needless to say, Sean was unable to muster the courage to try to kiss Larissa goodnight, despite having hugged her at least three times. He regretted that later.
It's Like The MAC Counter Exploded
The night of the eliminations, the men mill about in the yard, watching a yacht idling just offshore. You and I know that this was the yacht carrying the hunks, but the average joes speculated that Larissa was aboard, and would be taking another one of them on a private date that night. This notion was put to rest when Larissa walked through the doors into the yard. As I’ve said before, Larissa is a truly beautiful woman. I’d never try to say she wasn’t. That being said, however, we need to dedicate a little time to talking about her eye makeup that night. I swear on my life that when she first walked out, I thought someone had kicked her ass and given her two black eyes. She was wearing a lovely red and orange print dress, with the darkest, skankiest purple eye makeup you’ve ever seen in your life. It looked like she just took handfuls of blueberries and crushed them on her eyelids. Hideous. She needs to never do that again. It was so distracting.
Reactionary Recapper Rage
At this point, Larissa thinks the best way she can gauge whom to keep and whom to eliminate is by the way they act during one-on-one time. To that end, she and Brian G., who hasn’t had a private date with her, go off to the side to talk. He has a prepared speech for her. He tells her that he might not be able to prepare her a great meal like Sean can, and he might not be able to paint and sculpt for her like Mike and Tony can. But what he can do is make her laugh and smile while they’re together, and he’d like the chance to prove that to her. Brian W., during his private talk, says basically the same thing. Although he has no particular talents, he’s an excellent listener, and a very loyal friend. He later tells the camera that he didn’t want to be eliminated without her knowing what a fine human being he is. I figured that Thom would be the next guy to talk to her, since he’s the only other one left who’s never spent alone time with her, but I was wrong. Instead we were all subjected to more of David, and I swear – if this kid really isn’t an actor, he’s by far the most irritating person on the planet. He beats out Evan from the first Joe Millionaire, he beats out Zack from Paradizzle, he beats out Johnny Fairplay. He’s just THAT bad. He tells Larissa “Oh my God, I can’t believe you stood by me the WHOLE time in the water.” Yeah. Except she didn’t. She was on land, congratulating the other guys, awarding them dates. “You’re such a phenomenal girl. You’re a stellar superstar.” Oh no he didn’t. Stellar superstar? That bugged me for so many reasons. First of all, the principal meaning of “stellar” is “of or relating to stars”, so he was being redundant. But even beyond that, if I want to stop being nitpicky, it’s just a very stupid thing to say. I should look on the bright side. He could have said “scintillating, sexy, super, sacred, saintly, squeezable superstar.” I guess that would have been worse. The phrase “always avoid alliteration” kept running through my head for hours and hours after watching the show. Bah. Annoying, asinine, abysmal ass that he is.
While Larissa is ostensibly off deciding whom to eliminate, the men, who have obviously become very good friends through this experience, congratulate each other on the game so far. They believe that they’ll be saying goodbye to one or more of their own that evening, and they want to toast the friendships they’ve forged. It was sweet. Larissa watches them, realizing that she’s become attached to these guys. She cries (which, with that eye makeup, could have been a dangerous thing), and talks about how much she hates the elimination part of the game. She doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but she knows it’s impossible to avoid.
As the guys line up to face the music, Larissa tells them that she’s been informed that she is to read them a note. She smiles as she learns that nobody is to be eliminated that evening, and the guys break out into cheers. Champagne is served, and everyone is hugging and celebrating. But before they all starting singing the Barney theme, another note arrives. Larissa reads it, telling them that the game is about to completely change.
And So It Begins
Throughout the entire show, we’ve seen the hunks getting closer to the island on their yacht. For whatever reason, we’ve even known how many nautical miles away they’ve been. Every so often, one of the hunks would say some ridiculous thing or another, but they all just blurred into one big oily idiot in my mind, so I didn’t write much about them. But now I’m forced to acknowledge their existence, because they’ve arrived in Hawaii. When Larissa announces the change, Jim walks in the door. Larissa looks a little confused, and a lot happy. The Joes look stunned. One by one, the hunks enter. It was really sad. I didn’t watch AJ1, so I wasn’t really prepared for this. I felt SO bad for the original guys, because you know they all just felt about two inches tall. I don’t think they need my pity or anything, but my heart just wept for each original guy standing there. Even David. A little bit. Okay, not David. But the rest of them. When the last hunk (Michael C.) takes his place in line, he proclaims that he and his fellow hardbodies will be the Average guys’ new roommates, and their new competition. He also says that the tension in the room was so thick, you could literally cut it with a knife. Really? The tension was a tangible entity that could actually physically be sliced? Damn. That is tense. Idiot.
So join us next week, when the hunks take arrogance to new heights, and the Joes are made to look like buffoons for our enjoyment! Doesn’t that sound swell?
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