Average Joe Finale Ė How Do You Solve A Problem Like Melana?
Itís the season finale of Average Joe tonight and we finally get to learn if Melana is a gold digger or just shallow. NBC has graciously allotted us 2 hours tonight, which means weíre in for an hour and 20 minutes of filler instead of the usual 20. I can hardly wait.
Those Were The Days
The show starts off the way any reality TV veteran would expect; lots and lots of recaps. Remember when this show was about 16 average guys and a beautiful woman? Before they introduced hotter guys and fat suits? It was a simpler time then. Fallen contestants are highlighted much the same way Survivor contestants are in the Fallen Comrades portion of the show with lots of slow motion shots. Of course, itís more effective on Survivor where they actually do experience something semi-difficult as a group instead of lounging around a pool all day drinking beer. Nevertheless, we recall contestants long since gone. Earnest Wally, Delusional Brad, Sensitive John, Good Guy Dennis and finally, Zach, the Jerk. Good times. Now itís all down to Adam, the only original Average Joe left, and Jason, the boring hot guy.
For the last time, weíre treated to Melana running along the beach, the unflattering shots of the guys by the pool, Melana kissing the frog and of course, the windmill generators or whatever you call them. 2 guys, 1 decision. Can you feel the excitement?
Wine Her, Dine HerÖ
With Kathy apparently still absent, Melana explains that sheíll head to the hometown of each guy for a one on one date. Yes, the lame competitions are finally over. First up is Jason, who is from Irvine, California. Jason still lives with his parents, much to Adamís delight.
Jason gives Melana a quick tour of the house where she oohhs and ahhs about his bronzed baby shoes. Melana canít get over the bronzed baby shoes since her parents had her baby shoes bronzed too. Yeah, their parents and everyone elseís born in the 1970s. The pair head off to walk Jasonís rather large dogs, (minus poop and scoop bags) while Melana continues on about the bronzed baby shoes. When they return to Jasonís house, he gives her a tour of his room. Melana notices his map of the country doesnít have a pushpin in Kansas City, her hometown. She puts the pushpin in the map and says that sheís inviting him to KC once the show is over. Gee Melana, you think Adam will be okay with that or have you already made up your mind?
Jason takes her out for dinner and promptly orders her several drinks in an effort to Ďget to know her betterí. Melana quickly catches on and gives him a good talking to. She tells him that getting her drunk is the wrong way to get to know her and that he better mind his Ps and Qs if he wants to stick around. Er, sorry, wrong episode. Jason is obviously not impressed. After dinner, the two head down for a walk on the beach. Melanaís mood quickly improves. I can only imagine that sheís thrilled she finally has someone to frolic on the beach with. Any tension from dinner is quickly erased and the two soon embark on what they do best; kissing. Telling each other how pretty they are is what they do second best.
Jason admits heís a little concerned about Melanaís date with Adam in New York since sheís interested in him for some reason. Iím sure Jason didnít mean to sound callous, but he really couldnít seem to fathom why anyone would be interested in Adam romantically. Surely she canít be interested in his personality.
Successful Stock Trader By Day, Average Joe By Night
Melana meets up with Adam in New York but visibly not as excited as she was with Jason. Psyched that sheís meeting him in his element, Adam is happy to finally be the guy in the relationship. He feels that up until now, Melanaís been making all the decisions. Hate to break it to ya, big guy, but Melana is still very solidly in the driverís seat with a big decision still on the horizon. Adam introduces Melana to his roommate who thinks that Melana must really be interested in Adam since sheís smiling so much. What he doesnít know is that is Melanaís frozen smile, perfected for the cameras. The fake smile ends up melting just a little bit when Adam takes Melana for a tour of his room. His room is well equipped with all the big boy toys Ė oh, and a few articles detailing his successful company. Melanaís interest finally seems genuine as she sports the biggest smile since the hot guys came aboard.
Adam insists he doesnít want to talk about his successes, but promptly takes her for a tour of his office and to meet his co-workers. Melana is suddenly more affectionate with him as she realizes that Adam is indeed, loaded. Not one to flaunt his wealth, Adam takes her to his bar. Yes, Adam has a bar. To top things off, Adam has named menu items after experiences with Melana, including the Glider to commemorate their first date. Melana is impressed. After all, now Jason has a place to work if he ever finds himself unemployed.
After a pause in the conversation, Adam wants to kiss Melana, but Melana feels awkward and confused and is thinking of Jason. Adam is furious that she brought it up since he was making an effort not to. They carry the conversation back to the limo where Adamís insecurity has gotten the best of him and asks the driver to stop. Adam takes some time out before meeting up with Melana for dessert and apologizes for being so emotional. He explains that everything felt a bit too real to him and Melana accepts his apology, offering none of her own. Obviously Adam doesnít have Melanaís gift of pointing out red flags. Melana gives Adam a few pity kisses and heís once again happier than a pig in, well, you know.
This Ainít Disney, Folks
Before the final decision, each guy gets a chance to have an overnight date with Melana. Or so we assume since Kathy seems to have hightailed it out of this show, not that anyone can blame her.
Jason gets the first date with Melana as they head out on horseback in the mountains. They come to a stream where Jason thinks would be a perfect place to give Melana one of his now legendary kisses. Despite his valiant maneuvering, the horses donít want to co-operate and he canít get anywhere near her. Unaware of how embarrassing this whole moment has become, Jason gets off the horse to physically move them before getting back on the horse and kissing Melana.
They end up at a quiet, beautiful villa out in the middle of nowhere. In case people hadnít yet picked up on her preference for Jason, Melana comments that she feels like sheís on her honeymoon. Later they attempt to play outdoor chess before they both realize they are better suited for checkers. Turns out theyíd be wrong on that count as they manage to screw that up as well.
Melana confesses that she and Jason share something very special and have begun to talk about their future. Back at the villa, we actually witness this when Melana asks Jason if heíd paint angels on the ceiling if they got married. Is she for real? Future plans might include asking when heíd plan to move out of his parents house and how would he be able to afford the paint to put the damn angels on the ceiling in the first place, but thatís just me, I guess. Like her date with Adam, Melana falls silent for a while. Is she thinking about Adam? No, sheís wondering why someone like Jason would be there. After all, heís so pretty, canít he get girls anywhere? And what about Adam? Is she suggesting that heís so disgusting no one would ever want to date someone like him? Rather than identify this as a red flag, Melana takes yet another opportunity to marvel at how similar they are since they both could have anyone they wanted. Yes, this is a once in a lifetime kind of love. The kind of love they normally reserve only for themselves.
As they explore the sleeping arrangements, Melana asks Jason to share her bed. Jason is caught off guard, but thrilled at the prospect. Melana confesses that you only get so many perfect moments, heís so hot and they have all this potential. She could have just said she was horny instead of saying a whole lot of nothing. We see Jason close the door and the rest is left up to our imagination, a good thing since neither of these two seems stocked up in the imagination department. Iím sure they really just kissed, cuddled and cooed about who was prettier all night long. Their idea of a dream date, no doubt.
And Heís A Firefighter Too!
Before meeting Adam, Melana vows to make the most of her date with Adam and put her wonderful dates with Jason aside. Her excellent analytical skills have helped her deduce that Adam is a bit threatened by Jason. Of course, she couldnít have realized that after he freaked out when she brought him up at their last date, or anything. That Melana is really intuitive. She explains that she could see herself having kids with Adam and tells him that she would like to move to New York. Did her intuitive nature help her realize that telling him this little tidbit of information is a prime example of leading him on? Perhaps not, this is Melana after all.
On top of a mountain, Adam decides to present Melana with a poem he wrote about their last date. Itís a bit corny, but sweet. Hey, poems worked for Ryan! Melana is touched and kisses him, claiming it felt natural despite what her body language may suggest.
They head off to a spa they and go swimming in a huge pool with a great view of the desert. Adam says heís not much of a desert person and Melana tells him she can turn him into a desert person. Misleading comment number two, for those keeping score. Melana gives Adam a framed picture of the two of them together and explains that she hasnít given anyone else a gift yet. Iím sure Jason, judging from the previous night, might disagree.
Adam surprises Melana later with a romantic setting complete with pink candles and lots of pink flowers. Apparently Adam believes all these blonde reality show dating stars are identical. Thank God, Melana doesnít do the baby talk thing. In addition to the pretty in pink setting, Adam gifts Melana with a pink sleepwear outfit from Victoriaís Secret and a stuffed pink dog, which promptly catches on fire before Adam can even give it to her. In an effort to control the flames from spreading, Adam grabs the dog, still wrapped, and puts out the fire. Rather than ruining the moment, Melana enjoys the incident and says sheíll always treasure the dog because of it. Melana insists that the date went so well that she completely forgot about the process and itís all because of Adam.
Itís Filler Time
The show is only half over and there is lots of time to fill before the final decision. The next few paragraphs will be devoted to trying to capture how incredibly unnecessary and boring it truly was. If you skip them, I will be happy for I have truly done my job.
First we are treated to Melanaís flashbacks. She says that she normally wouldnít be interested in guys like Dennis, Tareq, John and Wally but is glad she had the opportunity to spend time with them. Of course, she didnít spend much time with Wally as she booted him out the first night.
Both Melana and Adam reminisce about the moment they first met, when Adam stammered out his state. Naturally, weíre treated to the story of their mini relationship. Melana joking with him the first night, the trip down the waterslide, the glider, their make out session to their last couple dates. Melana says Adam went from a friend to a romantic interest and loves that heís capable of being both funny and serious when he needs to be.
Itís time to wax poetic about Jason and how she was immediately drawn to him because he has a great smile, oh, and that heís very hot. She says very little else about Jason except that they get along very well together and how comfortable she is with him. Melana points out how different Jason is from Adam and how their differences can best be described by how they open a champagne bottle. Melana fails to point out that Jason opens them for a living while Adam pays someone to. Once again Melana adds how the two are polar opposites. So far, they look different, they live on opposite coasts and they open champagne bottles differently. Does that mean Jason doesnít have a good sense of humour? Does that mean Adam and Melana donít get along well? Iím not sure what it means, but Iím gonna guess that Melana doesnít want to seem shallow so she just throws out how opposite they are, hoping it will stick. She does say that sheís attracted to them for different reasons which I find to be a more appropriate excuse, I mean, reason.
Where The Hell Were You?
Kathy suddenly reappears and asks Melana how the hosting gig has been going. Melana tells her nothing of any interest, naturally, just that sheís made her decision and both guys are amazing. She has to say that, of course, itís part of the reality dating show handbook. Melana does sound sincere and says she believes sheís found a diamond in the rough. That sure sounds like Adam, doesnít it? Well, donít hold your breath, kiddies.
Kathy explains very quickly that the guys will meet her at a small airport hanger where both a private jet and a bus will be waiting. The guy she selects will go on the private jet for a trip to a five star resort. The other guy will just get on the bus and go home. This show is something, isnít it? Itís not enough to just reject a guy, he has to get out of a limo, get rejected and board a bus home. Thatís not cheap, thatís evil.
Last Minute Jitters
Melana has made her decision, but afraid that sheís risking her friendship with the guy she doesnít select. Afraid that Plan B might not be an option Melana?
The guys are a different story. Neither of them has anything bad to say about the other. Jason feels confident, but decides to lay in the sun to calm any nerves. Adam is inspired by Rocky and decides to work out, complete with Rocky soundtrack, until the big moment. Adam admits he canít imagine being picked, but then he canít imagine not being picked either.
The guys get dressed; Jason in full suit, Adam in a white sweater and dress pants. Adam doesnít shave. Iím not sure why this bothers me, but it does.
Good Looks or Money
Jason is first out of the limo. This is usually a sign on reality shows that identifies the loser. Melana looks very solemn, Jason looks nervous. She starts off by apologizing that they didnít have more time together before telling him that sheís chosen him and would like him to go to the resort with her. He accepts and boards the plane
Next out is Adam who looks twice as nervous as Jason did. Melana explains that sheís enjoyed together but the romance has to end. Adam is crushed and itís obvious he wants to get the hell out of there. Melana tells him that he inspired her made her feel beautiful. Rather than get upset or suggest she made a mistake, Adam tells her she has a good instinct about people and he thinks Jason is awesome. To make an awkward situation that much more uncomfortable, Jason, who had previously been watching from the plane, comes out to shake Adamís hand. Adam says if it couldnít be him, he was glad it was someone like Jason. As I said last week, the loser is the real winner. Iím pretty sure Adam will do just fine.
Well, thatís it guys. Thanks everyone for reading, itís been fun. The lovely, talented and always hilarious AmandaG will be recapping Average Joe 2. Iíll still be showering trying to scrub the filth off me by then.
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