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Average Joe Finale – How Do You Solve A Problem Like Melana?
It’s the season finale of Average Joe tonight and we finally get to learn if Melana is a gold digger or just shallow. NBC has graciously allotted us 2 hours tonight, which means we’re in for an hour and 20 minutes of filler instead of the usual 20. I can hardly wait.
Those Were The Days
The show starts off the way any reality TV veteran would expect; lots and lots of recaps. Remember when this show was about 16 average guys and a beautiful woman? Before they introduced hotter guys and fat suits? It was a simpler time then. Fallen contestants are highlighted much the same way Survivor contestants are in the Fallen Comrades portion of the show with lots of slow motion shots. Of course, it’s more effective on Survivor where they actually do experience something semi-difficult as a group instead of lounging around a pool all day drinking beer. Nevertheless, we recall contestants long since gone. Earnest Wally, Delusional Brad, Sensitive John, Good Guy Dennis and finally, Zach, the Jerk. Good times. Now it’s all down to Adam, the only original Average Joe left, and Jason, the boring hot guy.
For the last time, we’re treated to Melana running along the beach, the unflattering shots of the guys by the pool, Melana kissing the frog and of course, the windmill generators or whatever you call them. 2 guys, 1 decision. Can you feel the excitement?
Wine Her, Dine Her…
With Kathy apparently still absent, Melana explains that she’ll head to the hometown of each guy for a one on one date. Yes, the lame competitions are finally over. First up is Jason, who is from Irvine, California. Jason still lives with his parents, much to Adam’s delight.
Jason gives Melana a quick tour of the house where she oohhs and ahhs about his bronzed baby shoes. Melana can’t get over the bronzed baby shoes since her parents had her baby shoes bronzed too. Yeah, their parents and everyone else’s born in the 1970s. The pair head off to walk Jason’s rather large dogs, (minus poop and scoop bags) while Melana continues on about the bronzed baby shoes. When they return to Jason’s house, he gives her a tour of his room. Melana notices his map of the country doesn’t have a pushpin in Kansas City, her hometown. She puts the pushpin in the map and says that she’s inviting him to KC once the show is over. Gee Melana, you think Adam will be okay with that or have you already made up your mind?
Jason takes her out for dinner and promptly orders her several drinks in an effort to ‘get to know her better’. Melana quickly catches on and gives him a good talking to. She tells him that getting her drunk is the wrong way to get to know her and that he better mind his Ps and Qs if he wants to stick around. Er, sorry, wrong episode. Jason is obviously not impressed. After dinner, the two head down for a walk on the beach. Melana’s mood quickly improves. I can only imagine that she’s thrilled she finally has someone to frolic on the beach with. Any tension from dinner is quickly erased and the two soon embark on what they do best; kissing. Telling each other how pretty they are is what they do second best.
Jason admits he’s a little concerned about Melana’s date with Adam in New York since she’s interested in him for some reason. I’m sure Jason didn’t mean to sound callous, but he really couldn’t seem to fathom why anyone would be interested in Adam romantically. Surely she can’t be interested in his personality.
Successful Stock Trader By Day, Average Joe By Night
Melana meets up with Adam in New York but visibly not as excited as she was with Jason. Psyched that she’s meeting him in his element, Adam is happy to finally be the guy in the relationship. He feels that up until now, Melana’s been making all the decisions. Hate to break it to ya, big guy, but Melana is still very solidly in the driver’s seat with a big decision still on the horizon. Adam introduces Melana to his roommate who thinks that Melana must really be interested in Adam since she’s smiling so much. What he doesn’t know is that is Melana’s frozen smile, perfected for the cameras. The fake smile ends up melting just a little bit when Adam takes Melana for a tour of his room. His room is well equipped with all the big boy toys – oh, and a few articles detailing his successful company. Melana’s interest finally seems genuine as she sports the biggest smile since the hot guys came aboard.
Adam insists he doesn’t want to talk about his successes, but promptly takes her for a tour of his office and to meet his co-workers. Melana is suddenly more affectionate with him as she realizes that Adam is indeed, loaded. Not one to flaunt his wealth, Adam takes her to his bar. Yes, Adam has a bar. To top things off, Adam has named menu items after experiences with Melana, including the Glider to commemorate their first date. Melana is impressed. After all, now Jason has a place to work if he ever finds himself unemployed.
After a pause in the conversation, Adam wants to kiss Melana, but Melana feels awkward and confused and is thinking of Jason. Adam is furious that she brought it up since he was making an effort not to. They carry the conversation back to the limo where Adam’s insecurity has gotten the best of him and asks the driver to stop. Adam takes some time out before meeting up with Melana for dessert and apologizes for being so emotional. He explains that everything felt a bit too real to him and Melana accepts his apology, offering none of her own. Obviously Adam doesn’t have Melana’s gift of pointing out red flags. Melana gives Adam a few pity kisses and he’s once again happier than a pig in, well, you know.
This Ain’t Disney, Folks
Before the final decision, each guy gets a chance to have an overnight date with Melana. Or so we assume since Kathy seems to have hightailed it out of this show, not that anyone can blame her.
Jason gets the first date with Melana as they head out on horseback in the mountains. They come to a stream where Jason thinks would be a perfect place to give Melana one of his now legendary kisses. Despite his valiant maneuvering, the horses don’t want to co-operate and he can’t get anywhere near her. Unaware of how embarrassing this whole moment has become, Jason gets off the horse to physically move them before getting back on the horse and kissing Melana.
They end up at a quiet, beautiful villa out in the middle of nowhere. In case people hadn’t yet picked up on her preference for Jason, Melana comments that she feels like she’s on her honeymoon. Later they attempt to play outdoor chess before they both realize they are better suited for checkers. Turns out they’d be wrong on that count as they manage to screw that up as well.
Melana confesses that she and Jason share something very special and have begun to talk about their future. Back at the villa, we actually witness this when Melana asks Jason if he’d paint angels on the ceiling if they got married. Is she for real? Future plans might include asking when he’d plan to move out of his parents house and how would he be able to afford the paint to put the damn angels on the ceiling in the first place, but that’s just me, I guess. Like her date with Adam, Melana falls silent for a while. Is she thinking about Adam? No, she’s wondering why someone like Jason would be there. After all, he’s so pretty, can’t he get girls anywhere? And what about Adam? Is she suggesting that he’s so disgusting no one would ever want to date someone like him? Rather than identify this as a red flag, Melana takes yet another opportunity to marvel at how similar they are since they both could have anyone they wanted. Yes, this is a once in a lifetime kind of love. The kind of love they normally reserve only for themselves.
As they explore the sleeping arrangements, Melana asks Jason to share her bed. Jason is caught off guard, but thrilled at the prospect. Melana confesses that you only get so many perfect moments, he’s so hot and they have all this potential. She could have just said she was horny instead of saying a whole lot of nothing. We see Jason close the door and the rest is left up to our imagination, a good thing since neither of these two seems stocked up in the imagination department. I’m sure they really just kissed, cuddled and cooed about who was prettier all night long. Their idea of a dream date, no doubt.
And He’s A Firefighter Too!
Before meeting Adam, Melana vows to make the most of her date with Adam and put her wonderful dates with Jason aside. Her excellent analytical skills have helped her deduce that Adam is a bit threatened by Jason. Of course, she couldn’t have realized that after he freaked out when she brought him up at their last date, or anything. That Melana is really intuitive. She explains that she could see herself having kids with Adam and tells him that she would like to move to New York. Did her intuitive nature help her realize that telling him this little tidbit of information is a prime example of leading him on? Perhaps not, this is Melana after all.
On top of a mountain, Adam decides to present Melana with a poem he wrote about their last date. It’s a bit corny, but sweet. Hey, poems worked for Ryan! Melana is touched and kisses him, claiming it felt natural despite what her body language may suggest.
They head off to a spa they and go swimming in a huge pool with a great view of the desert. Adam says he’s not much of a desert person and Melana tells him she can turn him into a desert person. Misleading comment number two, for those keeping score. Melana gives Adam a framed picture of the two of them together and explains that she hasn’t given anyone else a gift yet. I’m sure Jason, judging from the previous night, might disagree.
Adam surprises Melana later with a romantic setting complete with pink candles and lots of pink flowers. Apparently Adam believes all these blonde reality show dating stars are identical. Thank God, Melana doesn’t do the baby talk thing. In addition to the pretty in pink setting, Adam gifts Melana with a pink sleepwear outfit from Victoria’s Secret and a stuffed pink dog, which promptly catches on fire before Adam can even give it to her. In an effort to control the flames from spreading, Adam grabs the dog, still wrapped, and puts out the fire. Rather than ruining the moment, Melana enjoys the incident and says she’ll always treasure the dog because of it. Melana insists that the date went so well that she completely forgot about the process and it’s all because of Adam.
It’s Filler Time
The show is only half over and there is lots of time to fill before the final decision. The next few paragraphs will be devoted to trying to capture how incredibly unnecessary and boring it truly was. If you skip them, I will be happy for I have truly done my job.
First we are treated to Melana’s flashbacks. She says that she normally wouldn’t be interested in guys like Dennis, Tareq, John and Wally but is glad she had the opportunity to spend time with them. Of course, she didn’t spend much time with Wally as she booted him out the first night.
Both Melana and Adam reminisce about the moment they first met, when Adam stammered out his state. Naturally, we’re treated to the story of their mini relationship. Melana joking with him the first night, the trip down the waterslide, the glider, their make out session to their last couple dates. Melana says Adam went from a friend to a romantic interest and loves that he’s capable of being both funny and serious when he needs to be.
It’s time to wax poetic about Jason and how she was immediately drawn to him because he has a great smile, oh, and that he’s very hot. She says very little else about Jason except that they get along very well together and how comfortable she is with him. Melana points out how different Jason is from Adam and how their differences can best be described by how they open a champagne bottle. Melana fails to point out that Jason opens them for a living while Adam pays someone to. Once again Melana adds how the two are polar opposites. So far, they look different, they live on opposite coasts and they open champagne bottles differently. Does that mean Jason doesn’t have a good sense of humour? Does that mean Adam and Melana don’t get along well? I’m not sure what it means, but I’m gonna guess that Melana doesn’t want to seem shallow so she just throws out how opposite they are, hoping it will stick. She does say that she’s attracted to them for different reasons which I find to be a more appropriate excuse, I mean, reason.
Where The Hell Were You?
Kathy suddenly reappears and asks Melana how the hosting gig has been going. Melana tells her nothing of any interest, naturally, just that she’s made her decision and both guys are amazing. She has to say that, of course, it’s part of the reality dating show handbook. Melana does sound sincere and says she believes she’s found a diamond in the rough. That sure sounds like Adam, doesn’t it? Well, don’t hold your breath, kiddies.
Kathy explains very quickly that the guys will meet her at a small airport hanger where both a private jet and a bus will be waiting. The guy she selects will go on the private jet for a trip to a five star resort. The other guy will just get on the bus and go home. This show is something, isn’t it? It’s not enough to just reject a guy, he has to get out of a limo, get rejected and board a bus home. That’s not cheap, that’s evil.
Last Minute Jitters
Melana has made her decision, but afraid that she’s risking her friendship with the guy she doesn’t select. Afraid that Plan B might not be an option Melana?
The guys are a different story. Neither of them has anything bad to say about the other. Jason feels confident, but decides to lay in the sun to calm any nerves. Adam is inspired by Rocky and decides to work out, complete with Rocky soundtrack, until the big moment. Adam admits he can’t imagine being picked, but then he can’t imagine not being picked either.
The guys get dressed; Jason in full suit, Adam in a white sweater and dress pants. Adam doesn’t shave. I’m not sure why this bothers me, but it does.
Good Looks or Money
Jason is first out of the limo. This is usually a sign on reality shows that identifies the loser. Melana looks very solemn, Jason looks nervous. She starts off by apologizing that they didn’t have more time together before telling him that she’s chosen him and would like him to go to the resort with her. He accepts and boards the plane
Next out is Adam who looks twice as nervous as Jason did. Melana explains that she’s enjoyed together but the romance has to end. Adam is crushed and it’s obvious he wants to get the hell out of there. Melana tells him that he inspired her made her feel beautiful. Rather than get upset or suggest she made a mistake, Adam tells her she has a good instinct about people and he thinks Jason is awesome. To make an awkward situation that much more uncomfortable, Jason, who had previously been watching from the plane, comes out to shake Adam’s hand. Adam says if it couldn’t be him, he was glad it was someone like Jason. As I said last week, the loser is the real winner. I’m pretty sure Adam will do just fine.
Well, that’s it guys. Thanks everyone for reading, it’s been fun. The lovely, talented and always hilarious AmandaG will be recapping Average Joe 2. I’ll still be showering trying to scrub the filth off me by then.
To contact the author of this article, you may email missfilangi@fansofrealitytv.co m
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Originally Posted by Miss Filangi 
