Average Joe Premiere – Beauty & The Geeks
We’re firmly entrenched in the reality TV era. It’s an era where you can walk around naked on an island, backstab and win a million dollars no matter how much of a snake (or rat) you are. You can be trapped in a house with your ex and a bunch of other exes and win $500,000. You can also meet your soulmate… just ask a few guys named Alex, Aaron and Evan. On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t.
Hello and welcome to the first Average Joe recap. I’m Miss F and I’ll be your faithful and devoted recapper this season, no matter how bad you look.
We meet Melana Scantlin wants to settle down and meet Mr. Right. She claims she’s an ordinary girl. I suppose, if your definition of an ordinary girl is one that is a former NFL cheerleader, beauty contestant, reality show contestant with a smokin’ body and drop dead good looks to match. It’s obvious Melana is excited about this journey, she tells us several times. Her fantasy is about to begin.
On the flip side, we meet the men that have been brought in to win her heart. Win her heart. You know, I never get sick of these dating show clichés. It’s been 5 minutes in and we’ve already heard ‘journey’ ‘connection’ ‘win her heart’ and ‘Mr. Right’. I’d create a drinking game if I thought there was enough alcohol in the world. We meet the guys as they prepare to move into the Bachelor house.
Dennis L, Marc and Craig are first in and make friendly. Next up are Dave, Jay and Eric, a cop who claims he never dated in high school. The guys promptly discuss sleeping arrangements and Marc asks who’s a snorer and who’s a farter. This is information that I certainly don’t ever need to know and fortunately we’re spared the answers. They are soon joined by Clint, Brad who says he often gets the girl, and Adam.
Meanwhile, in another part of the world, Melana is settling into her own beautiful digs and feels like she’s living a fantasy. Melana takes an incredibly cheesy evening walk on the beach even taking time to play in the ocean. She continues to go on about fairy tales and connections and chemistry. Get ready to be incredibly disappointed, honey.
Back to the guys where Jerry, Zach and John are starting to settle in. Upon noticing the other guys, Zach is obviously a bit put out and scoffs at being the best of the average. I’d like to know who the hell told this guy he was the best of anything. Last to join in this bachelor’s paradise are Dennis S, Wally, Tareq and Joe. Tareq is 21, a college professor and plans to be the leader of a country someday. Those are pretty lofty goals, Tareq, how does he manage to find the time to appear on reality dating shows?
The guys assemble by the pool and we are treated to 16 shirtless men. The majority are somewhat out of shape. This ain’t Joe Sixpack, boys and girls. Hostess Kathy Griffin comes out to a resounding applause and doesn’t disappoint. She delivers a rousing speech about these men representing the real men of America. She speaks of the fair Melana and how looks don’t matter, personality does. She encourages the guys to stay strong and remember that they can get the girl! I was moved to tears before I remembered that they were not, in fact, heading overseas to fight terrorism and merely contestants on a reality show. But damnit, they are average guys and they are just as attention seeking as their hot counterparts on other reality shows!
The guys spend their first night getting to know each other, drinking and bagging on each other. Good to know cattiness is not a sport restricted to women. It’s established early on that Zach is a jerk. In case you missed it the first time around, he’s from New York and none too pleased with being the best of the average. So help me God if he compares himself to Braveheart, I don’t think I could handle that. Most of the bigger guys are off amusing themselves with cannonballs into the pool and soon the group divides into two groups; the drinkers and the thinkers. Ah, these guys are witty! A few of the guys stand around the barbeque discussing their idea of what Melana. Marc explains that among other ideals, he’s contemplated her foot size. I guess that’s better than contemplating breast size.
Remember Zach, the jerk? In an effort to erase any doubt that this is true smashes an egg over Marc’s head. Without any provocation whatsoever he just runs up and smashes an egg over his head. Oh that Zach! What fun! What a personality! David later confesses that he was in on it, indicating this was a planned attack. Well colour me impressed! Dennis L. tries to console Marc and says that Zach is likely intimidated by Marc’s intelligence. I don’t think Zach has enough brain cells to appreciate intelligence. I think Zach is the kind of guy that likes to kick puppies for fun. In direct contrast to Zach, Dennis L cleans his new buddy’s shirt off for him. Not only is that an extremely kind thing to do, it’s rather impressive as raw egg is not fun to clean.
Back to Melana and it’s time for her to meet the new guys in her life. Out walks a tall dark and handsome guy named Mike and introduces himself to Melana. She’s obviously thrilled until he tells her that he’s not a contestant but she’s about to meet 16 great guys. She begs him to stay. It’s as if she foreshadowed what was to come.
First out is Marc. Her smile immediately fades and gives him a quick hello. Dennis L and Wally follows. She’s polite, but not at all warm. Through voice over, Wally explains that he’s dying for female attention and women don’t see a good thing when they see it. Wally has a heart of gold, this guy. After meeting Melana, Joe says that she is SO his type. I’m guessing by her reaction Melana would disagree. Jay is the first guy to present her with a gift and gives her a Magic 8 ball. He confesses he wanted to break it open and fix it to read ‘Pick Jay’ on every corner. John tells Melana he’s incredibly nervous and hopes to get to know her. Melana seems touched by his sincerity. Zach tells her she’s beautiful and plants two kisses on her. She politely comments on that and he offers her as many kisses as she wants. Charming. Eric stammers that he can’t believe how pretty she is and Adam was so blinded by her beauty that he temporarily forgot where he was from. Brad makes everyone including the audience incredibly uncomfortable when he explains that fate brought him to her and that he’s nervous and giddy. After meeting Melana, Clint comments that she claims she’s looking for the best personality and he hopes it’s true. Dennis S presents her with flowers and exudes confidence. Tareq says he approaches every woman like a snowflake; all unique, beautiful and fragile. Yes Tareq, you can file that under Cliches 101. Melana immediately comments on Jerry’s height, much to his chagrin and is presented with another gift, this time from Craig, who gave her some sort of parachute toy. I will not even pretend to understand what it was or what significance it held.
While almost every guy comments on how beautiful she is, Melana retreats back to a dressing room and is overcome with disappointment. Kathy comes in to see how she’s doing and Melana confesses that 95% of those guys are not her type at all. After a quick pep talk, Melana emerges with a new outlook on the game. She admits she wanted personality over looks and in her opinion confidence and personality win out every time. She promises to keep an open mind and not to discriminate. She believes it’s possible for her to make a connection with one of these guys. You know, if that whole showbiz thing doesn’t work out for Kathy, she might want to consider motivational speaking… she is a miracle worker!
Attitude adjusted, Melana comes out to great her fans. Most of the guys immediately pull her aside while guys like Dennis S. and Tareq pointedly stays away from her to give her space. Brad tap dances for her and Melana is visibly impressed. Zach proves he can outcatty the pettiest of women when he comments that Brad has white man’s disease and can’t dance. Melana admits that she’s much more relaxed now since all the guys are so much fun and lighthearted. That, and a few glasses of wine tend to relax a girl. Brad makes an effort to introduce Melana to Tareq. Tareq asks her if she likes broccoli. At first I wonder if that’s like the tried and true “How do you like your eggs” pick up line, but no, Tareq simply doesn’t like green vegetables. Tareq confesses that he didn’t want to meet her just then and would have rather kept on observing. I just think the guy needed a bit of help coming up with a better pick up line. Soon Marc ushers Melana over to ‘the best guy on the planet’, Dennis L, he of the egg washing fame. There is a consensus among the guys that Dennis is indeed the nicest guy there and that scores more than a few points for him with Melana. Among the many festivities is a photo booth. Melana takes turns getting her picture taken with the guys. You just know that the majority want their picture taken with an incredibly hot girl so they can rush out and show their buddies back home. Before the elimination, Zach notes once again that he is the best of the average and wants off because it’s humiliating and degrading. For someone with such a great personality, he is rather one note. Eric the cop informs us that 4 guys are getting cut tonight and he’s not one of them. I’d like to introduce you all to my buddy Mr. Foreshadowing. Mr. Foreshadowing says Eric is going home.
It’s time for the elimination ceremony. No roses or pearl necklaces for these guys, instead Melana will just single out those she wants gone. Ouch. First out is Dennis S. Colour me shocked, but Melana says she didn’t feel a connection with him. Dennis explains he found it tough to approach her with all the other guys swarming around her. Next out is Eric, who had already mapped out his wedding party. Eric says good-bye to Melana and gives her the classic ‘It’s your loss.” Let me give you a tip, guys, if you have to say ‘It’s your loss’ chances are it’s not. Clint is the next to go and says he’ll always wonder what could have happened. Finally, Wally is out. Wally is heartbroken and explains he knows he could be a great catch. Something tells me Wally’s luck with the ladies will drastically improve after his impressive appearance.
Next week, the dates begin!
Comments are welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org m. If you are a contestant, or family or friend of a contestant, please don’t kill me.