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Thread: Average Joe Recap 7/19: Horny Hunks and the Rubber-faced Retribution

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    eternal optimist Shazzer's Avatar
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    Average Joe Recap 7/19: Horny Hunks and the Rubber-faced Retribution

    I'm heee-yere! <---in scary, poltergeist voice. Yes. I am here subbing, lately, thanks to eerie green skies and buzzing, downed, power lines (and errant, rabid weasel attacks). The lovely, delightful, uber HAWT Lucy liu was on "vacation" last week. The quote marks indicate laughability of word “vacation”, as secretly....pssst...just between you, me, and your hand towels....Lucy's in covert ops. Shh! You! The one with the glass eye! Hush up! Anyhoo, if she mentions “picnic” that means: wrestling down Columbian drug lords. If she says, “concert” that means: leading the hunt for Osama. If she says: “restaurant” that means: volunteering for genetic engineering tests. (Ha! These are all lies. We all know no one volunteers for genetic engineering tests. It's the kind of thing you're forced into. *cue X-files music*) Feel free to rejoice, whack some pinatas, and toss back a few shots of Colt 45, as the lovely, witty, omniscient Lucy will be back with you pronto. Right now, I toss forth THIS. *whips off cape to reveal uglier, elephant-man recap* Enjoy. Tolerate. Read.

    Up first is a roller derby stint that feels more staged than Lion King on Broadway. The nerds and/or "Joes", as the show likes to call them, are adorned in canary yellow, just to get them off to a fine, ready-to-be-pummeled start. The man-whores of team Braun are dressed in black, to illustrate their power, and that they’re “bad".

    Soon, the ref, a rotund little older fellow, smartly slimmed in vertical ref stripes, goes over the rules. No kicking, no pushing, no hitting, yada yada. The fact that they focus in on such basic rules of
    conduct, means you SO know we're about to see a big, muscle-y hunk elbow pinning a nerd throat, in a stepping-on-a-garden-hose visual. Am I wrong? Am I? Challenge me. Bring it! I'm an almost-purple-belt in
    karate! (True.) Which means: You’ll go down like a punching bag. Which I guess means....you'll come back up and smack me in the face. Dang.

    For the record: I do not think of the Joes as “nerds¨, but rather “people¨. People who NBC likes to PIMP as nerds. It’s the NBC nerd stable, their “lair¨. Every one of us would fill the bill for the NBC nerd lair (despite the fact that, quite frankly, we’re all freakin’ gorgeous. MeeOW.) But good news: nerd lair comes LOADED with snack cakes! Mmmm....snacky.

    Pre-pummeling, the AJ’s discuss how vicious the sport is, Arthur saying it’s part cro-magnan, and the hot dudes say they’re gonna HUMILIATE the AJ’s. Again. Arf arf arf arf!!! <---the barking, overconfident models. Arthur hates being knocked down by brutes, and Clay says he ain’t eh-scared: he’s small and can squeeze through a doggie door like he’s made from crescent roll dough. (Which he is. Check his bio.) All the Joes say they’re there for Ana. Ha!

    Soon.....they’re off! And as Clay narrates and begins to compare the derby to Nascar, we watch the canary yellows get batted around like rag dolls. Ana looks on in feigned-helpless mode (acting lesson #4!) until
    she spies AJ Josh, getting’ all competitive with his bad nerd self. My thoughts: Josh is cute! Why is he an AJ again? Oh yes, because he’s smart. God knows smarts are sooo uncool. Or that’s what my mom used
    to tell me. *weeps openly*

    More brutish, guttural ramblings emerge from various hunk throats as AJ after AJ goes down. Hunk Carson goes so far as to say he’s gonna put two dudes in an ambulance! *smacks fist* Wow. Ana, however, is more impressed with the AJ’s, particularly Arthur, because she thinks he’s doing it all for the Ana Banana. Soon, Arthur’s down like an injured mule. Carson thinks it’s a plot to get a little summin’ summin’ from Ana. Well, color him successful, it worked, as next thing we know, Ana’s kissing Arthur’s boo boos, while he tells her that her ice packing assist makes his heart sing even sweeter, sweaty love songs. Meanwhile, Carson lets out a Godzilla screech and crushes a can into his occipital brow. <----didn’t really happen, but you KNOW he felt like it!

    In the end, Carson explodes at the ref, getting thrown out for calling him an AJ himself. The AJ’s get three more points, someone catches the Snitch, annnnnd....game over. The AJ’s win.

    Sucking Down Wine Like the sommelier at Chili’s. Do they have sommeliers at Chili’s? Exxxactly.

    Soon it’s time for a little mano a mano with Ana, where she’s about to select the next two men who’ll get to taste her esophageal tube with the sure-to-happen upcoming tongue tango. She selects AJ Josh, and Hunk Carson.

    As we prepare for the Carson date, (and by “prepare”, I mean....strip down to our vintage, Spiderman Underoos. It’s how I watch all MY dating shows. Yeesss....I’m still single. And?), we see little flashbacks of Carson’s first impressions of Ana, voiced in the kitchen during the first few days. Long story short: she’s fake.

    The date itself: vineyards. She wants to see what his inner hunk is like (answer: kind of surly.) Carson himself wants to know how genuine and real Ana is (my answer: 48%). Cue more flashbacks of him saying she doesn’t give a *bleep* about any of them, that she’s bull something-that-rhymes-with-knit.

    Soon the date and it’s shenanigans flash by rapidly. First they’re smashing their ugly toes in some barrels, the next thin you know they’re tasting wine: Carson acting all poser-knowledgeable while Ana (eloquently) spits it out, cowboy style.

    Next: picnic in the dirt. Yep. They gorge on tasty treats and begin to grill each other in the brown dirt between vines. Ana asks him what his hobbies are. His answer: motorcyles and sports in general. Whaaaa? I had him pegged as a James Lipton fan. Go figure. Ana thinks he’s trying to act all macho, like he hates the date, and he tells us that he’s just trying to keep on keepin’ on, finding out as much about her as he possibly can. In fine, foot-in-mouth fashion, he soon reveals his first, ugly impression of her. Girl, you were a stuck-up beyatch. You heard it! *double snap/head wag* But now he wants to know what her REAL motive is for being there, like, what, man? She says it’s the first time she’s been without a man-ho in 9 years and wants to meet somebody good who can oil her up but proper. He cracks his outer cookie shell and tells her that he had a girlfriend who totally hooked up with two of his guy friends. At the same time. Why’d he let her go again? She seems right up his alley. <-----foreshadow.

    End of the date summary: Ana loves his newer, fresher, multi-dimensional scent and he thinks she’s genuine. Both begin to cleanse each other in a very, hairball-ridding tongue frenzy. In the hot tub post-date, he tells Arthur he was wrong to think Ana was only there to further her career. Pffft. Yeah.

    A Trip to the Bedroom, surprisingly without the Shimmy Sham

    Annnnd now it’s time for a little Josh candy. I’m delighted, as Josh will be on my screen more, and we can all marvel at his fake-nerd exterior. Ana’s also warm for his little nerd form. She wants ON him. <--Anchorman voice.

    The date: boating, boating, and more boating, punctuated by missed opportunities and a wee bit of lip love. While they’re popped and jostled in a large cruiser, Josh tells us he’s a wee on the shy side, but has a burning hot amber coal of luuuuv buried in his body. He’s more confident than he lets on, and wants to “show it” to her. Show it, he does, when he grabs her delicate woman-hand and jams it on the throttle with a, “Let’s do this!” and, “Yeah, baby, GRAB it!” Hey, is he talking about boating or....? Oh the double entendre’s! But that doesn’t mean it’s all about the hot sex. No. Josh works with cancer patients, and we must stop the endless phallic symbolism to concentrate on his tender side, so that we’re all just that more delighted when he wins at the end. I.e. the first AJ to ever be picked, because he’s the least AJ of all the AJs that have ever AJ’d before. He thinks this is all so romantic, and they don’t speak, they just FEEL, man. He says his work with cancer patients makes him appreciate sunsets, romance, chocolate soufflé’s, romance, Wurther’s candy, and romance. Both feel that they can’t top the way they feel with each other. (Not even the Wurther’s will do it.)

    Soon it’s time for a little mental seduction and tease. Ana decides to take him on a tour of the luscious yacht she inhabits. She dances him through the joyous living area, the stairwell and soon....the bedroom. *cue throbbing xylophone and smokey filtered lenses* She fake-coyly apologizes, pre-entrance, that her room isn’t clean! Oh no! *giggles* Josh, of course, is probably just secretly excited to see a giant bed that might promise a little bit of *squeaky, squeaky* <---(yep, that means......pet toys). But no, no errant spring utters a sound. Instead of tackling Ana, Josh, instead, decides to give her.....a letter from another man. Score! Yep. Apparently AJ Nathan wrote Ana a little note, and decided the best time to deliver it would be right in the middle of her hot date with another man. Josh just wanted to do the “right” thing, and delivered it. Ana wisely says she doesn’t want to read the letter in front of him.

    Soon, the bedroom chance dashed, Ana and Josh end up on deck to discuss his brimming feelings for her. He’s flooded with overpowering urges. Throbbing urges. Urges he must satisfy NOW! He says he wants to say something to her while he has the courage, and commences with letting her know that he has great instincts, babe, and those instincts change the alphabet around, and put I next to U! Awww. Soon they’re kissing passionately, their hands busy under the table. Both feel like they’re falling for each other, and the date ends with a few Eskimo kisses and a really huge, animatronic Chewbacca. <-----just trying to liven things up!

    Chewy doesn’t follow Ana to her room, where she sits and reads the Nathan letter, all filled with the joy over their friendship, and the hope for more. He talks about their “familiar passion”, the beauty in her eyes, and the way she can suck down a steak without chewing. Ana weeps and hopes Nathan’s life will be filled with dancing cartoon chipmunks and a neverending supply of Orville Redenbacher. <--kiss of death speech. No one “hopes” for the future of their selected man-beast.

    Skankalicious

    Men in bars: skanks. Was there ever any question? My happy years picking UP said skanks says: no. But apparently Ana thinks HER men will be DIFFERENT. So she sets up the usual AJ sting: model in a rubbery chub suit with glasses and a brown wig. Ooooo! Brown hair! And glasses! And ten extra pounds! My eyes! My God MY EYES! Apparently this all equals = Ugtown, population: your average American.

    The McDeal: Ana will pose as a waitress, while the men all get a “free night out” at the bar, hot models planted to try and lure them into their 98 pound clutches.

    Soon we see footage of Ana getting transformed into a completely unrecognizeable, heavier, version of herself. She dons contacts, a wig, and some bigger clothes, all to attempt to blend in with her little man stable during the upcoming night out. Oh, and again, she has those glasses. Because that’s practically like a ski mask! No one will EVER know!

    Soon we’re at the bar. Ana is pleased almost immediately to see Arthur and Josh separate themselves from the models, Arthur going so far as to verbalize his complete and utter loyalty. The shadow-Ana is pleased as punch to see their dedication, while horrified to suddenly see Carson stripping down to his pants and shimmying in front of the models. She says she was embarrassed FOR him. I heard THAT. Dude moves like an injured chicken.

    As the night wares on and the alcohol becomes increasingly more abundant, the flirting becomes more rampant and Ana learns what she needs to know: some hunks are dirty hosebags. The first hosebag on parade is Carson, who begins rubbing up a model and kissing her. Craig is also kissin’ on another layday, while Ana begins to weep. She can’t BELIEVE he’d act that way with a perfect stranger, failing to note their long, 4 day relationship.

    Finally, the last little chunk of betrayal: Brad. Brad is someone whom Ana never spent two sticks of time with, but for whom she somehow had an unspoken bond. She kept telling him throughout the competition that he was on like Donkey Kong, so he knew she wanted to rub him like Buddha. (A SKINNY Buddha). But Brad chooses to nuzzle a blonde model instead, making Ana’s tears stream like volcanic lava down her polyurethane cheeks. She says she gave up her heart, *wimper*, and he broke it. She immediately wants to leave, and can’t wait to run back to the hotel to mentally imagine him gored by a bull horn. Without pants. There.

    Thinning the Man Wheat

    Annnd we’re back at the pool, where it’s time for some retribution...ution...ution! <--gladiator echo. She tells us she usually hates elimination night. Tonight? Better than a chocolate torte eaten off of Dean Cain’s left buttock. WAY better than that.

    She addresses the now tainted man candy. Once smooth, creamy, and fudgey, they all have a day old flavah flave and/or an “old” candy vibe, like those hard, 9-year-old peanut butter chews old ladies give out on Halloween. She’s still in her “disguise”, and tells them all it’s time to face the truth! She dramatically (to those who have never seen the show) tears off her rubber face moles and glasses and suddenly.....it’s Ana! Somemen (fakely) gasp, others stare with blank eyes.

    She tells the men how incredibly disappointed she is in them, and that many of them actually shocked her, forcing her to leave the hotel weeping last night. She hates it when guys sell themselves as mini-deities when they’re really housing giant suck factories, turning around and humping the leg of some skank (no offense to the paid
    skanks/models). But, good news: she’s happy. Happy she found out that not all of the men were skuzzbags, and can’t wait to take the non-scuzzies further in the shenanigans. The lowdown: four tickets
    to Tahiti, twelve men left. Skanks...time to say: buh-bye.

    First person eliminated: Hunk Craig. Ana’s disappointed he snogged a chick in such a sleazy environment, and no, she’s oddly not talking of her very own show. Apparently, that is, like, WAY different. Craig gives half-assed apology, the I’m-sorry-but-not-really response that comes right before his confession that he totally wanted to give that that one chick his “Oh” face.

    Next elimination: Carson (yay!). She feels she wasted valuable time, he isn’t sorry, and smirks his way on the bus.

    Next elimination: Brad. For no apparent reason, she weeps like Tammy Faye Baker, tears streaming down her partial rubbered-up cheeks, telling him he blows. Brad is as unaffected as the men above. Zero.
    Nada. Hollow Tin Chest. His excuse: “sh*t happens!” <----Shazz-inserted dialogue.

    Next: Clay. Yada yada he’s sweet, she wishes him well, bingo bango, he was marked for death early on. Buh-bye.

    Next: Nathan, the letter writer. He wants her to have fun, while he vows to continue life in turtle mode: i.e. shy. But cutely shy!

    Annnd the last elimination goes to *tears open envelope* Gino! She thinks he’s the greatest. Yay.

    Post elimination, Carson says he’s rooting for the romantic Arthur, while we see Arthur slather his newly formed hives with analgesic cream. *tsss* HOT!

    The twisty-twist: This week, Nathan is selected for a make-over and a chance to renter Ana’s lie. They give him shoes, great clothes, and new, happier choppers that will reflect light like a disco ball! He loves it and says he shocks himself every time he looks in the mirror. Handy hiccup cure, fo shizzle.

    Next week: Tahiti. Rejected Joe’s return, and every man thinks he’s in love with a woman he’s known for a max of 72 hours. Cheerio.

    If you made it to this sentence, I’ll cut you a check for a cool million. Disclaimer: checks will not be honored. shazzer@fansofrealitytv.com
    "If you're like me, you have a 'been there, done that' attitude when it comes to paleolithic paleontology." - Jon Stewart

    "I swear, you are the ho-ho ho." - OTS

  2. #2
    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shazzer
    Right now, I toss forth THIS. *whips off cape to reveal uglier, elephant-man recap* Enjoy. Tolerate. Read.

    he’s small and can squeeze through a doggie door like he’s made from crescent roll dough. (Which he is. Check his bio.)

    God knows smarts are sooo uncool. Or that’s what my mom used
    to tell me. *weeps openly*

    Sucking Down Wine Like the sommelier at Chili’s. Do they have sommeliers at Chili’s? Exxxactly.

    the date ends with a few Eskimo kisses and a really huge, animatronic Chewbacca. <-----just trying to liven things up!

    Men in bars: skanks. Was there ever any question? My happy years picking UP said skanks says: no.

    Ooooo! Brown hair! And glasses! And ten extra pounds! My eyes! My God MY EYES! Apparently this all equals = Ugtown, population: your average American.

    She says she was embarrassed FOR him. I heard THAT. Dude moves like an injured chicken.

    Ana’s disappointed he snogged a chick in such a sleazy environment, and no, she’s oddly not talking of her very own show. Apparently, that is, like, WAY different.

    we see Arthur slather his newly formed hives with analgesic cream. *tsss* HOT!

    Shazz, you ALWAYS crack me up, power-outages or no. EXCELLENT, hilarious, solid-gold recap! Thanks for covering for me while I was on "vacation".
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  3. #3
    Shark Week! dagwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shazzer
    Right now, I toss forth THIS. *whips off cape to reveal uglier, elephant-man recap* Enjoy. Tolerate. Read.

    Arf arf arf arf!!! <---the barking, overconfident models.

    where she’s about to select the next two men who’ll get to taste her esophageal tube with the sure-to-happen upcoming tongue tango.

    She wants to see what his inner hunk is like (answer: kind of surly.) Carson himself wants to know how genuine and real Ana is (my answer: 48%).

    Ana’s also warm for his little nerd form.

    Josh, of course, is probably just secretly excited to see a giant bed that might promise a little bit of *squeaky, squeaky* <---(yep, that means......pet toys).

    Oh, and again, she has those glasses. Because that’s practically like a ski mask! No one will EVER know!
    The glasses worked for Clark Kent.

    Great job, Shazz!
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  4. #4
    Plotting spegs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shazzer
    (Ha! These are all lies. We all know no one volunteers for genetic engineering tests. It's the kind of thing you're forced into. *cue X-files music*)

    Enjoy. Tolerate. Read.

    The man-whores of team Braun are dressed in black, to illustrate their power, and that they’re “bad".

    Soon, the ref, a rotund little older fellow, smartly slimmed in vertical ref stripes...

    ...you SO know we're about to see a big, muscle-y hunk elbow pinning a nerd throat, in a stepping-on-a-garden-hose visual. Am I wrong? Am I? Challenge me. Bring it! I'm an almost-purple-belt in karate! (True.) Which means: You’ll go down like a punching bag. Which I guess means....you'll come back up and smack me in the face. Dang.

    But good news: nerd lair comes LOADED with snack cakes! Mmmm....snacky.

    Ana looks on in feigned-helpless mode (acting lesson #4!)

    Meanwhile, Carson lets out a Godzilla screech and crushes a can into his occipital brow. <----didn’t really happen, but you KNOW he felt like it!

    The AJ’s get three more points, someone catches the Snitch, annnnnd....game over.

    ...she’s about to select the next two men who’ll get to taste her esophageal tube.

    ...bull something-that-rhymes-with-knit.

    Josh works with cancer patients, and we must stop the endless phallic symbolism to concentrate on his tender side...

    *squeaky, squeaky* <---(yep, that means......pet toys).

    ...a really huge, animatronic Chewbacca.

    My happy years picking UP said skanks says: no.

    She can’t BELIEVE he’d act that way with a perfect stranger, failing to note their long, 4 day relationship.

    Better than a chocolate torte eaten off of Dean Cain’s left buttock.

    She hates it when guys sell themselves as mini-deities when they’re really housing giant suck factories

    Ana’s disappointed he snogged a chick in such a sleazy environment, and no, she’s oddly not talking of her very own show.

    Handy hiccup cure, fo shizzle.
    Excellente! You are unfailingly funny, despite storms and rabid rodents. I doff my hat to you!
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  5. #5
    FORT Newbie Kahuna's Avatar
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    Shazzer is the best, this recap is fantastic!

  6. #6
    FORT Newbie RubyStar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shazzer
    My thoughts: Josh is cute! Why is he an AJ again?

    But good news: nerd lair comes LOADED with snack cakes! Mmmm....snacky.

    Meanwhile, Carson lets out a Godzilla screech and crushes a can into his occipital brow. <----didn’t really happen, but you KNOW he felt like it!

    She wants to see what his inner hunk is like (answer: kind of surly.)

    Next: picnic in the dirt. Yep. They gorge on tasty treats and begin to grill each other in the brown dirt between vines. He cracks his outer cookie shell and tells her that he had a girlfriend who totally hooked up with two of his guy friends. At the same time. Why’d he let her go again? She seems right up his alley. <-----foreshadow.

    Annnnd now it’s time for a little Josh candy. I’m delighted, as Josh will be on my screen more, and we can all marvel at his fake-nerd exterior. Ana’s also warm for his little nerd form. She wants ON him. <--Anchorman voice.

    While they’re popped and jostled in a large cruiser, Josh tells us he’s a wee on the shy side, but has a burning hot amber coal of luuuuv buried in his body. He’s more confident than he lets on, and wants to “show it” to her. Show it, he does, when he grabs her delicate woman-hand and jams it on the throttle with a, “Let’s do this!” and, “Yeah, baby, GRAB it!” Hey, is he talking about boating or....? Oh the double entendre’s! But that doesn’t mean it’s all about the hot sex. No. Josh works with cancer patients, and we must stop the endless phallic symbolism to concentrate on his tender side, so that we’re all just that more delighted when he wins at the end. I.e. the first AJ to ever be picked, because he’s the least AJ of all the AJs that have ever AJ’d before.

    So she sets up the usual AJ sting: model in a rubbery chub suit with glasses and a brown wig. Ooooo! Brown hair! And glasses! And ten extra pounds! My eyes! My God MY EYES! Apparently this all equals = Ugtown, population: your average American.

    Oh, and again, she has those glasses. Because that’s practically like a ski mask! No one will EVER know!

    Thinning the Man Wheat
    She addresses the now tainted man candy. Once smooth, creamy, and fudgey, they all have a day old flavah flave and/or an “old” candy vibe, like those hard, 9-year-old peanut butter chews old ladies give out on Halloween.
    Wow! Hilarious recap! Even though most of these reality TV "relationships" don't last, I sure hope you're right and non-Average Josh is chosen this time.

  7. #7
    Premium Member
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    Outstanding recap Shazzer.

  8. #8
    Too cold to run away! Burntcrow's Avatar
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    Shazzer, you have a way with words! Don't watch the show, but I HAD to check your recap out, and learn a few pointers from you.

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