Welcome back, Armed and Famous fans. All five of you! Last week we had the pleasure of watching as Ponch signed an old woman’s fake boob, the Wee Man got dissed by a shoplifter, and LaToya went through therapy to overcome her fear of cats. Yes, really. Our intrepid celebrity cops are back on the night shift tonight, fighting crime and making the streets safe for the good people of Muncie. Too bad they couldn’t vanquish their worst foe to date: American Idol.
Love On A One Way Street
Trish and her partner Kyle start off the show tonight, running across a car going the wrong way on a one-way street. The girl apologizes profusely when Trish asks for her license, admitting that she just made a mistake. Duh. The driver hasn’t been drinking, but her girlfriend in the passenger’s seat is totally sloshed, calling Trish a “sexy bitch” and offering her a sip from her drink. Trish is incredulous, and Kyle just sits on the curb, laughing.
Erik and Jami get some info that a backhoe is supposed to be stolen that night, and Jami has to explain to him what a backhoe is. Anybody else notice how much she futzes with her hair in the mirror? Anyway. The two head out to where the big heist is going down. Jami tells Erik to let the canine officers do their thing first (like I’d want to get in the way of a snarling German Shepard) and he does just that. The suspect tries to run away like a dumbass, and the dog takes him down in a few seconds, taking a little chunk out of his hip. The suspect has a little pity party for himself, but Ponch reads him the riot act, telling him that he’s not the only one that grew up disadvantaged. Apparently, Erik’s dad was a heroin addict and he didn’t have it so easy as a kid. “You need to make some good choices in your life. It’s never over!” he lectures the man, dropping a few f-bombs along the way.
Back to Trish and Kyle, who are called for a “female assist” in a patdown. Kyle recognizes the woman as someone he’s arrested before. Trish performs the patdown, and fumbles around while trying to cuff her. She does it all wrong, and Kyle blasts her when they get in the car. “Your handcuffing sucked. The patdown was just as bad!” To drive his point home, he takes her to a park and shows her the name of a fallen comrade on a memorial stone. He had missed a gun while doing a patdown, and was killed. Trish is quiet as she listens to the story, and vows not to make any more stupid mistakes.
E.T. Phone Home
For whatever reason, LaToya feels the need to call her mother during her shift with Amy, and mom seems none too pleased about LaToya’s choice of activities. It sounds like everyone in the Jackson family underestimates LaToya, and I do believe she's a little tired of it. LaToya lets Amy talk with her mom, and Amy tries to reassure her that everything is okay. They've gone through training, they know what to do, LaToya is doing very well. Mom still thinks that the women should have male partners (still living in the 50's, mom?) but Amy tells her that they call for backup when necessary. She says goodbye and hands the phone back to LaToya. I'd love to know what Amy was really thinking at that point.
Jason and Scott are called to a possible DUI, and quickly find the car. The guy that was driving is obviously drunk, slurring his words and failing the field sobriety test. Never mind the gun in his pocket. Or the huge bag of marijuana in the car. His girlfriend claims no knowledge of the gun or the weed, and is visibly upset. They arrest the guy, give her a lecture about hanging out with bums like him, and call a friend of the girl to pick her up. She bursts out crying as she gets in the car.
It’s another domestic abuse case, with LaToya and Amy taking the call. Domestic abuse is LaToya’s pet peeve, and I think she enjoys cuffing the dork. He’s been arrested several times for this. LaToya uses the opportunity to give another lecture to the woman about getting her life together. Putting the guy in the car, he denies hitting her: “I pushed you and held you down, but I never hit you!” You've got to be kidding me. Amy tells him that he’s lying, saying that he’s not man enough to admit what he did and that he has a problem. Actually, she called him a five-letter word that got bleeped out. Hee.
We see Jack and Damon for the first time this night, and they’re on the way to check on a felony crack possession. They arrive at a run-down house where the woman was supposed to be, but she wasn’t there. Jack admits that he has spent many nights in a “party den” like that. Yikes. The place looks like a life-sized roach motel. Jack tells his partner about his addictions and suicidal tendencies back then, and how he got help and changed his life for the better. They finally find the girl they were looking for in a seedy motel. She begs for a chance at rehab, and Jack lectures her on what rehab will do. “Ultimately, to clean yourself up, it has to come from within.”
Erik and Jami are called to a fight in progress, but it turns out to be a drunken man who fell in the bathroom and just thought that someone had hit him. The old guy gets belligerent when they try to help him, so they cuff him to protect him from himself, since he can barely stand. They cart him off in an ambulance. Ponch says “If you’re going to drink, drink til you get a nice buzz...don’t overdrink to where you go into oblivion.” Words to live by, folks.
Jason and Scott get a stolen vehicle report, and find the truck abandoned on the road. There was supposed to be $20,000 worth of equipment in the back, but all Jason sees is a spare tire, some junky lawn equipment, and a couple of gas cans. Jason laughs, thinking that the stuff is only worth a thousand, at best. The owners finally drive up, overjoyed to find their truck in one piece. They take some pictures with the Wee Man and recover their (overvalued) property.
There’s yet another fight going on (is it a full moon tonight or something?) and Trish and Kyle head out. They arrive to find a drunken woman (no, it must be happy hour) who was fighting with her baby daddy. They give her a Breathalyzer test, which she fails miserably. Trish cuffs her and pats her down the right way, and puts her in the car. Kyle is glad that she learned from her previous mistakes. As they start to leave, a girl runs up to the car, wanting Trish’s autograph. She has to decline because they have to get going. The woman they arrested admits that her boys watch wrestling, too, so she knows Trish. “It doesn’t change anything!” says Trish, and they all laugh.
Now here’s a different kind of call: a baby is being born in a car. LaToya and Amy get this one. Apparently the baby was in a big hurry to make an appearance, and they give the car a police escort to the hospital where the lady was trying to get to originally. The baby girl and her mother are just fine, as Amy gets teary-eyed at the sight and LaToya coos over the little girl, asking what they plan on naming her. “You’ve got to put LaToya in there somewhere!” she exclaims. The baby cries out at the thought.
And that’s a wrap for this week’s episode. The celebs sit in their usual diner, and toast LaToya for helping to deliver a baby. Not that she actually helped, but she was there for moral support, I guess. Next week: LaToya goes undercover as a prostitute. This should be a classic. Well, she’s certainly got the wardrobe for it.
My cat wants to meet LaToya....firstname.lastname@example.org