Armed and Famous 1/11 Recap: Dumb Hookers And Attack Cats
You’ve met the celebrities, you’ve watched them go through training, learn to shoot guns, and get zapped by a Taser. Now that was entertainment. They’re now on their second night of real duty, and it’s going to be a busy one. Crime never sleeps in Muncie, Indiana! Thankfully, the powers-that-be have decided to spare us the time-wasting recaps and useless filler (thanks, guys), and get right down to the show. So, let’s get to it!
Don’t Mess With Ponch
Erik and his partner, officer Brown, get the first call of the night. It’s a domestic disturbance call, and Erik can’t wait to get there. He seems to really have a thing against men who abuse women, and he says that he’s glad he’s now in uniform so he can do something about it. You go, Ponch! They arrive and arrest the obviously drunken man for threatening to kill his girlfriend. The man recognizes Ponch and says how cool he is, but Erik’s not having any of it and gives the guy a long lecture about being a real man. Burned on national tv by Ponch. Awesome.
Trish and her partner, officer Temple, get the next call which is a burglary in progress. Once they get there, they quickly chase the suspect down and tackle him, with Trish cuffing the guy. I don’t know what he’s on, but he’s pretty unintelligible. Trish asks him why he broke the door (to get in and steal something, is my guess), and he blathers on about something. I think he said “I didn’t do nothin’ to that door!” Then, he makes the mistake of cursing and getting loud. Trish goes from calm to pissed off in 2 seconds flat, and tells him to shut his mouth “right now!” There’s fire in her eyes as he starts spitting at the two, and they fling the loser into the back of the car. You just know she wanted to whoop his ass.
It’s a busy night for the new cops, as Jason “Wee Man” and his partner get a call for suspected shoplifting. Jason walks up to the woman that matches the description and tries to talk to her, but she hauls butt, refusing to stop for him. She doesn’t believe he’s a real cop. The nerve of her! Jason’s partner comes up and tells the woman to calm down or he’ll arrest her for disorderly conduct. Of course, she ignores him, and Jason gets the pleasure of cuffing her. She still doesn’t believe that the Wee Man is really a cop. No respect, I tell you.
It’s LaToya’s turn, and they get called to a car break-in. She informs the people that own the car of what happened, and they say it’s the second time that it’s happened. They're not happy. The man says he’s missing a red lighter from the car, and lo and behold, there’s a goofy looking young man walking down the street with said lighter in his pocket. LaToya doesn’t like a thief, and goes off on a rant about thieves being a menace and a burden to society. Until the car owner’s cat makes an appearance. LaToya apparently hates cats even more than she does thieves, and hightails it for the cruiser, locking the door. “The cats of Muncie, they have it out for me!” she cries.
You Want Me To Sign What?
Back to Erik and his partner, who are discussing a warrant. Until someone’s grandma comes up to the cruiser with a request: she loved him on CHiPs, and would he please sign her boob? Huh?! Erik is in disbelief, until the little old lady whips out a fake boob for him to sign. He sheepishly signs the squishy insert as she thanks the now embarrassed Erik. He jokingly asks his partner if she wants anything signed, and she exclaims “I don’t even know what to say!”
The prostitutes are hitting the streets, and Trish gets a call for a suspected “lady of the night.” They pull up to a parked truck, and out comes a guy with his pants around his knees. The hooker insists that they were just talking, he was going to drive her somewhere, and she has no idea how his pants got undone. Pul-lease. The guy admits that she offered a certain, umm, “service” for twenty bucks, but she still denies it. Never mind the twenty dollar bill in her pocket that Trish finds. Not the smartest hooker on the street, for sure. Off to jail she goes.
Getting To Know You, Getting To Know All About You
Fighting crime is tough work, and we get to watch as the partners have some down time and relax a bit. Erik and his partner go for a mani-pedi (I never figured Ponch to be a pedicure kind of guy). He lays it on thick, telling her how attractive she is, calling her a goddess. “I’m just one of the guys,” she says. Jason and his partner go skateboarding. Well, Jason skateboards, but his partner eats the ramp. At least he tried!
LaToya has decided to cook dinner for her partner, and goes to the local grocery dressed in a red jumpsuit with big shades. What, you mean you don’t wear skin-tight catsuits when you go to pick up milk and bread? Sheesh. She searches in vain for caviar, capers, and champagne, but is told by an employee that she’s out of luck. Oh, well, says LaToya - pasta will have to do. The two share some girl talk while they cook dinner, and she must have done pretty well since nobody got food poisoning.
Back to business, LaToya and partner get called for a robbery at a local bar. They arrive to find the money thrown on the ground. The young girl who stole it admits to the theft, and they arrest her. On the way, she starts crying, and LaToya asks why. The girl is homeless, has two children and doesn’t want to go to jail. “You’re a mess. Don’t you know how to use birth control?” asks LaToya’s partner. LaToya opens up to the girl in tonight's "aww" moment, telling her how she was abused also, and implores her to get a better life for herself. She’s pretty good at this. Hopefully the girl listens.
Jack ends up going on a call to arrest a murder suspect next. He’s stoked. Being the rookie, he gets to stand watch at the back door for the fleeing suspect. It’s the first time he’s gotten to pull his gun, and he’s both nervous and excited. “I felt like I was in a movie the whole time,” he exclaims. They nab the guy and haul him off to jail, and Jack’s partner praises him for following orders and doing what he was supposed to do. Jack beams.
Touch The Cat. Touch. The. Cat.
Guess what. LaToya is so afraid of cats, she has decided to go to a “cat therapist” to overcome her fear. I didn’t know they had cat therapists, but whatever. The therapist shows LaToya some cat pictures, and she can’t even bear to look at them. Determined to rid herself of the phobia, LaToya sucks it up and tells the lady to bring her a real live kitty. *cue scary Jaws music* The woman brings in a cute little cat in a carrier, and LaToya’s eyes bug out. Still, she manages to touch the furball, and realizes it won’t hurt her. Unless it’s like my cat, who will do you physical harm if you forget to feed him at exactly 5 pm.
Enough of that. Jason gets another domestic violence call, and they arrive to find another drunken man who had tried to choke his wife. She is visibly upset, and Jason tries to calm her, but he doesn’t quite have the counseling abilities of Trish, Erik, or even LaToya. It’s just not his thing. But he is upset for the lady, and wants to put the guy away. The only problem is, the guy doesn’t speak English. Ponch to the rescue! As the only Spanish-speaking officer in Muncie (which I find hard to believe), he arrives to get the scoop. Turns out, the man got jealous because his wife shook another man’s hand. Yeah, that’s grounds for choking someone, alright. Erik goes off on the guy, giving his “be a real man speech.” He really gets into this stuff!
Trish and her partner get called about a “suspicious person” swinging a pool cue around a gas station. It turns out to be some crazy old coot who calls himself “Winky dinky super-dancing Dave.” Alrighty then. The nut then proceeds to do some kind of dance for Trish, which looks like a cross between the Macarena and some of Michael Jackson’s old moves. Except it’s done really, really badly. They determine the old man is harmless, and send him on his way.
LaToya and partner have to go pick up someone on a warrant next, and LaToya tries to get the woman to come outside. A stray cat saunters up in the yard, but LaToya stands strong and ignores the kitty. She’s quite proud of herself. LaToya starts getting loud, and the toothless woman finally comes outside. She starts to put up a fight, and LaToya slings the woman onto the porch, yelling at her. I mean, yelling! No more of that whispery, little girl voice. LaToya means to kick some ass tonight, apparently. They cuff the woman and cart her off to jail.
And once again, our fearless celebs end the evening at the same little diner, going over the night’s events. They all seem more comfortable in their new roles, and are still enthusiastic about it. So am I, actually. Join us next week as Jack arrests a drug addict, and Erik chases down one of the bad guys. See you then!
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